Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

AIBU?

'man trapping'.....hear me out

146 replies

Babiesonthebrain · 25/09/2013 14:21

Im 29. I'm desperate for a baby.
I'm married to a lovely, kind, hardworking man who I love dearly but who is a perfectionist. He loves kids and will be a great dad, but wants us to save some money and buy a bigger house before we have a family.
My husband is 32. We've been married for three years, together for 6. We own a lovely 3 bed house and he earns 100k+ a year.
I'm a freelancer earning a decent amount, but he'd like me to have a more stable career before we have kids. he wants to wait for another 18months/ 2 years.

I think this is all total rubbish.

We had a pregnancy 'scare' a few months ago and he was thrilled. We were both disappointed when my
period arrived.

Would I, in any way, be doing him a favour by taking the decision out of his hands or is it evil and dishonest to even consider it? If it 'just happened' he wouldn't have to worry about whether we were making the right decision at the right time....

Any help appreciated!

OP posts:

Report

Babiesonthebrain · 27/09/2013 10:36

Hello! OP here!
Thank you for all the comments. The ones that stand out the most are "if you really thought this was ok, you wouldn't be asking" because, of course, I know it wouldn't be ok. The situation is just massively frustrating and I find myself constantly thinking of ways around it!
That along with "one day you will confess, your husband will smile at you and your baby and think it was all worth it, but inside he will lose a bit of trust and respect for you" and of course, I want him to be as excited as I am about the idea of a baby, I just wish he was excited NOW! I like the idea of coming off the pill and allowing him to be in charge of contraception, but honestly it might make things worse as every time we had sex I'd be hoping to get pregnant! Maybe the lovely person who called me a nutter (and suggested that maybe my husband was hiding a secret mound of debt.... ) was right, but it's hormonal and I can't help but feel broody!
Poor bloke. Maybe I should just get a dog.....

OP posts:

Babiesonthebrain · 27/09/2013 10:41

P.s, international DONT DO IT!!!

OP posts:

internationallove985 · 27/09/2013 11:10

Little pea pod. In regards to your comment about me not being a good role model for other women, why on earth do grown women need a role model and even if they did it certain isn't me job to be their role model. Also please don't feel sorry for my future child or my D.D no child is loved more than mine or more than my hopeful future baby will be,as any mum would say
FellatioNelson. Please refrain from calling the potential father of my future son or daughter a wanker. I am not on here calling your child/rens father and I'm sure you wouldn't like if I were. I don't think he's married as how would he explain to his wife when he stays over at mine, but if he is then it's him being unfaithful not me. I've made no promises to her. He appraoched the night we met.
Babies on the brain. You tell me not to do it, but what have you decided are you going to trick your partner because if you have decided to go a head then it would be hypocrtical to have one rule for yourself and one for me, or are your set or rules better than mine cause you're "happily married". xxx

LittlePeaPod · 27/09/2013 11:32

International I will rephrase that. IMO the way you are behaving is morally irresponsible and you are a bad example of a woman. Lying and tricking someone you met in May into fatherhood is really appalling. Are you actually in a relationship with this guy or is he just popping round every so often for a jump? And I do feel sorry for the DC because if the father walks away, it will be because of your lies. It's the DC that lose out on that relationship.

internationallove985 · 27/09/2013 11:39

Hi Little pea pod. He comes around every Wed evening for a few hours and He stays over on Fridays. He's taking me shopping and for a meal later on so it's obviously not just as you put it a "jump" to him, He also comes to mine on other days for a quickie if we have any spare time. We must be the only I suppose I could say couple who have to fit sexy time into their diary. xxx

LittlePeaPod · 27/09/2013 11:50

International and have you met any of his friend or family in the last 5 months? Otherwise and sory to say, it does sound like its his guaranteed Wednesday jump and random quickie.

LittlePeaPod · 27/09/2013 11:51

Sorry that should be Friday and not Wednesday.

FatPenguin · 27/09/2013 11:59

International just because it's a 'regular' thing and you put 'sexy time' into your diary doesn't make it sexy at all. It's appalling that you are tricking someone into fatherhood. You don't think he's married? Jesus. Fellatio is right he is a wanker.

FatPenguin · 27/09/2013 12:02

babies the fact that your partner was disappointed that you weren't pregnant when you had a scare is very telling. I'm 20 weeks pg and we planned this baby, however taking the step from 'I want a baby' to 'actively trying' was quite scary for me! Sorry I can't give any advice but I hope it all works out for you.

queenbitchapparently · 27/09/2013 12:21

Tell hin you are no longer going to be using contraception.
If he wishes to not have a baby then he needs to take over it.

queenbitchapparently · 27/09/2013 12:23

Sorry.....you met him in may....you don't live together....are you mad!

Babiesonthebrain · 27/09/2013 13:28

international no! it's not one rule for me because I'm married and I'm sure that your DD and any future children you have will be loved and well cared for. It's just that don't you think you deserve the opportunity to bring kids up in a happy, stable relationship? I hope you end up with the right situation, but it seems like you're taking a massive risk.

OP posts:

FellatioNelson · 27/09/2013 16:31

International I am not going to embarrass you by lifting comments from other threads you've started, but suffice to say that he sounds like a user and a wanker to me, and I will continue to think and say that whether you choose to have a baby with him or not.

Chocolatehunter · 27/09/2013 17:25

babiesonthebrain I think you sound like a lovely person. You've asked an honest question and responded to the criticism and opposite views by taking them on board. I think your post above makes you sound like a nice person and even though i don't know you I'm sure when the time is right (for you and your dh) you will both make lovely parents. I lost my father a few years ago and I love it everytime my dm talks about my df, but especially the stories where she talks about how much he wanted me and was so excited for me to be born. Hopefully you and I will have the same stories to tell our children in the future.

MusicalEndorphins · 28/09/2013 09:25

No, don't be sneaky, it will ruin your integrity. You will know, even if he doesn't.
I may be wrong, as i haven't looked it up, and my information is what I remember from 20 years ago, but aren't younger eggs better for the future babies health? If your dh wants to do it all "perfectly", I would think now is the perfect time to conceive.
Anyways, good luck, whenever it happens!

ToffeeCaramel · 28/09/2013 09:54

A friend of a friend's dh was still telling her they should wait a couple of years to ttc when she was 38. She had a good career
I'm not sure what happened in the end, but I'd be wary that he is just stringing you along and one day you'll find it's too late.

Kafri · 28/09/2013 11:13

Hi

I've not had chance to read all the posts but for what it's worth, here's my opinion.

I think it would be wrong to try to get pg without him knowing but, I also think it's wrong of him to put a definite 'not yet' on there.
Talk to him and explain all your pros and cons.
Only you two know your financial situation but in all honesty i'm a firm believer in 'you'll never be able to 'afford' kids'

I'm 29 and have 9m DS. My DH and I split up a couple of years ago as kids was (at that time) a bit of a sticking point. I needed IVF and DH wasn't sure he wanted kids enough to go through so much to get them.

Anyway, fast forward a few years, we're happier than ever, DH is a fabulous dad and wouldn't be without DS and doesn't regret the effort it took to make him.

As part of your pros and cons, remind DH how he felt when you had your 'scare' and ask him to think about how he felt when you got your period - was he disappointed.

Ultimately though, if he is adamant he doesn't want them yet then I kind of think you'll have to go with it. It's not right to bring a child into the world in deceit.
I would say, however, in your conversation with DH, you need to find out whether it's that he doesn't want them yet or doesn't want them at all and is covering it up with the 'yet' part.

catgirl1976 · 28/09/2013 12:15

My DH took years and years to convince that we should try for a baby

Even when I got pregnant he was a little scared and worried

Thankfully when DS arrived he was over the moon

The years where I was desperate for a baby and he wouldn't agree to it were really hard, however I would never have done what you are considering.

Don't do it. It is a very wrong thing to even contemplate. I know the urge for a baby can mess with your head, but don't do that.

Talk to your DH instead

Babiesonthebrain · 24/12/2013 18:12

Hi Everyone....

Just to close the thread. My husband and I talked. We're expecting a baby next summer.

Yay for talking!

OP xxx

OP posts:

PresidentServalan · 24/12/2013 18:16

To even consider this is beyond crappy, tbh. How would you feel if you found out that your DH was being dishonest in your relationship? Because that is what you would be. There is no excuse ever to deliberately get pregnant without the agreement of the other person. I feel very sorry for your DH.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/12/2013 18:16

Oh brilliant - congratulations

PresidentServalan · 24/12/2013 18:16

Just cross posted with your last post - glad it is sorted and that you have come to an agreement.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

TheSylph · 24/12/2013 18:25

Congratulations Babiesonthebrain - thanks for coming back an updating!

complexnumber · 24/12/2013 18:27

Lovely news, thanks for getting back.

Congrats to the both of you.

foreverondiet · 24/12/2013 18:29

Don't do it (getting pregnant by "accident") but sit down and try and find a compromise. I think 2 years is a long time to wait is 29 and haven't tested fertility yet. I don't think its trapping him though as you are already married.

Ok also to say you don't want to use contraception anymore so if he doesn't want a baby yet have to use condoms.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.