'man trapping'.....hear me out

[Babiesonthebrain]

Im 29. I'm desperate for a baby.
I'm married to a lovely, kind, hardworking man who I love dearly but who is a perfectionist. He loves kids and will be a great dad, but wants us to save some money and buy a bigger house before we have a family.
My husband is 32. We've been married for three years, together for 6. We own a lovely 3 bed house and he earns 100k+ a year.
I'm a freelancer earning a decent amount, but he'd like me to have a more stable career before we have kids. he wants to wait for another 18months/ 2 years.

I think this is all total rubbish.

We had a pregnancy 'scare' a few months ago and he was thrilled. We were both disappointed when my
period arrived.

Would I, in any way, be doing him a favour by taking the decision out of his hands or is it evil and dishonest to even consider it? If it 'just happened' he wouldn't have to worry about whether we were making the right decision at the right time....

Any help appreciated!

[fuzzpig]

Maybe I missed something but I don't think OP said she is on the pill? Might be already using condoms or on depo or something - if the latter then doubly important to have The Talk ASAP as apparently it takes time for fertility to return anyway?

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

I see exactly where you are coming from, tempting as it is in your circumstances it will prey on your mind if you do it and one day you will confess, he will smile at you and your baby and say, it was worth it but inside he will lose a bit of respect and trust in you. far better to talk to him. No one faces a pregnancy without a panic about how they will be as a parent, he is being very mature thinking it through but there is never a 'right' time, the responsibility is there and it is scary, its scary everyday of a child's life and when they grow up it still doesn't go away. does he have any friends who are dads? can he talk to them? keep discussing and say it will be easier the younger you are, think when they grow up you get time back to yourselves before you are too old to do all the things you wish you could when they are little, especially if you love it and want more than one. good luck.

[FellatioNelson]

WeAreSeven yes I have done a bit of searching and I see that now. It's scary. On so many levels. I'm just....well.

I'll say nothing. What's the point?

[Chippednailvarnish]

You're right OP he doesn't need to grow up.
You do.

[YoniBottsBumgina]

My friend did this. Her DH was happy, etc. Is involved with the baby. But he went a bit overboard with working ALL the time to maybe try and compensate? Result, he's not very directly supportive, not because he's a dick, because he isn't, but because he can't be as he's working literally ALL the time.

Talk to him. His suggestion sounds fine to me. At least he's given you an actual time frame rather than putting it off forever.

[LittlePeaPod]

Excuse my previous mistakes on my last post. I was rushing out and predictive text took over.

Elizabeth if women want to use men as sperm banks without having an adult conversation about conception with the man, then fine. No one can stop them. But they can't moan about it when these same men run a mile and want nothing to do with the children after finding out the woman is pregnant. The woman better make sure they are in a financially capable position to be able to look after their DC. It's the DC that ultimately suffer emotionally and economically as a result of selfish decision made by adults that should know better. It's a completely different if a woman was in a relationship and then circumstances mean the relationship breaks down. That's different to trying to trap someone into fatherhood.

It doesn't matter how you look at it. TTC and falling pregnant without the other person knowing what you are up to is deceitful. If the man decides he doesnt want a child then it's the woman's decision to either stay in the relationship and risk never having children or leave and find someone with the same values/expectations in life. And men are I a similar position if the role was reversed.

Op don't compromise your relationship by starting to lie to your DH. Just be honest with him and help him through his fears whatever these may be. International is not what I would consider a great role model for women. IMHO its appalling what she's up to.

[elcranko]

YABU. Planning a family should be a joint decision IMO. Talk to your husband again about how you're feeling and really stress how much this means to you and how you don't want to wait any longer. He may just surprise you. It sounds like you have a good relationship so don't mess it up by being deceitful.

[DebrisSlide]

What lots of other people said - don't trick him, but do make him responsible for contraception.

The other thing that I would suggest is talking about what will happen after any future children are born. Are either of you going to be SAHPs? Because, if you are, then getting into something more stable work-wise at this stage seems like a futile exercise. If he is, then that seems sensible.

His reasoning seems distorted as you have portrayed it. What level of savings are you at now? What level would be the "right, that's enough" mark? Do you have a plan in place to get there? Why isn't 3 beds enough?

[Sinful1]

Maybe he thinks your too much of a nutter to have kids with ATM and he'd have a point. If you do do this though use a sperm bank so the poor got won't be financially tied to you for the next 18 years of he decided to leave

[Sinful1]

As for finances, are you sure he doesn't have a huge debt he's been.hiding

[FreudiansSlipper]

you need to be honest and tell him how much you want a child and how ready your feel

would you want your dh to lie to you and how will you feel about yourself knowing that you have not been honest with your dh

[McNewPants2013]

Op i would talk to him and lay it on the table that having a baby is very important to you and there is no compromise.

If he is 100% sure he doesn't want children you have 2 choices be happy never having a baby or make the very hard choice of ending your marriage.

It may be extreme to end a happy marriage because of this, but I would see it as the marriage isn't compatible on what each of you want from life.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Why not sit and work out money/budget with him. How much statutory maternity pay you'll get/food/bills etc.

I'm not sure why he thinks you need more than a three bed house. What's the magic number he needs to earn? Are you sure he actually wants kids and this isn't a putting off tactic?

Also, you need to point out to him that you may not get pregnant straight away, it could take a month, it could take a year or more.

[AnyFucker]

international the bloke you are shagging must be exceptionally stupid

I wouldn't want those genes for my offspring, tbh

[FellatioNelson]

I don't think she cares AF. She's obsessed with TTC. Utterly obsessed. And the bloke sounds like an utter wanker, frankly. Or possibly married. A married wanker.

[jchocchip]

Yes intwrnational, that makes sense, married and had the snip so you may be wasting your time!

[LittlePeaPod]

Ok I am now really confused. I thought International and this guy were partners? Excuse the phrase but if they are not together is he just dropping his load off as and when he feels like it? God if that's the case it makes this situation even worse. How on earth will he possibly see it as a happy accident? Completely deluded! It's the baby I feel sorry for.

[PresidentServalan]

You have absolutely no right to do this - and even considering it is a

[PresidentServalan]

Pressed send too soon!

Considering this is appalling. It is not your decision alone, and you need to talk to your DH - pressurising him isn't fair either.

[Sunnymeg]

A friend of mine tricked her husband. About eight years after their daughter was born, she told him on a drunken night out. They are still together, but things have been strained ever since. He adores his daughter, but no longer trusts his wife!

[CuChullain]

Speaking as a bloke, just don't plan an 'accident'. It really is a shit thing to do and will completely undermine the trust and respect that you have spent years nurturing. Talk to him, it is not as if he has ruled out having children, you are just not quite on the same timeline as each other, a bit compromise from both of you may see him being his timetable forward a bit and you push yours back. But talk to him, it is a joint decision. You risk everything by tricking him.

[Fecklessdizzy]

Talk to him! Don't plan an ambush, that's totally wrong.

One of my brothers girlfriends announced that she wanted a baby and was quite happy to bring it up without him - he fled the relationship there and then!

Not so sure about freelance work mixing well with a baby, it really didn't with me ... I'd jogged along happily for 10 years but the toxic mix of no sleep and deadlines completely did me in.

[LittlePeaPod]

Babiesonthebrain just wondering where yor thoughts are following everyone's comments?

[Chocolatehunter]

I am in a very similar position to the op. I would never in a million years trick dh into having a baby but I have made it clear that I am ready and he has made it clear that although he wants children he wants them at some unknown time in the future. It's hugely frustrating but I have to respect my dh's wishes because I love him and I want him to share the excitement if I was pg. In the mean time I have stopped all of my contraception (mainly because I was told by the doctor that it could take up to 18 months for fertility to return after depo) and have told dh that he is in charge of contraception. Actually doing that has helped him feel more in control of the situation and he knows that I trust him and will wait for him. However I share your longing and frustration and hope it isn't long until your dh finds himself finally ready.