'man trapping'.....hear me out

[Babiesonthebrain]

Im 29. I'm desperate for a baby.
I'm married to a lovely, kind, hardworking man who I love dearly but who is a perfectionist. He loves kids and will be a great dad, but wants us to save some money and buy a bigger house before we have a family.
My husband is 32. We've been married for three years, together for 6. We own a lovely 3 bed house and he earns 100k+ a year.
I'm a freelancer earning a decent amount, but he'd like me to have a more stable career before we have kids. he wants to wait for another 18months/ 2 years.

I think this is all total rubbish.

We had a pregnancy 'scare' a few months ago and he was thrilled. We were both disappointed when my
period arrived.

Would I, in any way, be doing him a favour by taking the decision out of his hands or is it evil and dishonest to even consider it? If it 'just happened' he wouldn't have to worry about whether we were making the right decision at the right time....

Any help appreciated!

[StuntGirl]

Me too Fellatio :(

[ElizabetaLuknichnaTomanovskaya]

Strange maybe not to ask. But shouldn't it be his responsibility to ask. He could always use condoms if he doesn't want to run the risk of making a woman pregnant.

[internationallove985]

Hi FellatioNelson. No I've never lead him to believe that I am using contraception I am not making out I am taking the pill and chucking it down the toilet and nor would I poke holes in condoms if we used them. Also he knows I can concieve as I have beed blessed with my D.D.
I can honestly say contraception has never been mentioned. xx

[worsestershiresauce]

Relationships break down without trust. Fact. OP you sound like with the exception of this issue your relationship is happy. I can guarantee you'll lose this if your DH feels that he was tricked into something he wasn't ready for. It is one thing being a little bit excited at a possible pregnancy, but when you're sleep deprived, and stressed out with a new born, the feeling that you didn't ask for this, want this, or even agree to this could be over whelming.

You have to want kids to enjoy them.

You have to have trust in a relationship, or it will break down.

Focus on those two things, and do the right thing. Talk to your DH. Explain how important this is to you. Listen when he tells you what his concerns are, and I mean really listen, not dismiss them out of hand.

My own relationship nearly ended in divorce because we weren't on the same page about children, and it lead to all kinds of hurt that we could both have done without. Talk! I wish we had.

[Beastofburden]

crikey international I hope you have at least discussed sexual histories and safe sex stuff.

put it down, you don't know where it's been

[alarkaspree]

You definitely shouldn't get pregnant without his agreement but I think you could push him a bit harder. His reasons for not doing it now just sound like normal anxiety about a huge, life-changing decision. But it's not a decision you can put off forever. I'd agree with him that you will drop the subject for now, but that you'll revisit it in, say, six months time. That might make him start thinking more seriously about fatherhood as something that might happen quite soon, rather than at some vague point in the future. But it is normal to be scared. That anxiety is never going to go away, probably, so he is waiting for some mythical point when it feels like the perfect time to start a family. This will never happen, you just have to take a leap into the unknown.

[LyraSilvertongue]

Sounds to me like he's just scared to make the decision and would actually be relieved if it was taken out of his hands. Don't conceive in secret but do tell him there's no perfect time, you want to try now and that you're going to stop taking contraception. That way he can either go with it or use condoms.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

No don't trap him, it's wrong.

However there is never a time where you are financially stable to have kids, you make do. Don't forget you will save money as your lifestyle will change, you spend differently.

He won't be a perfect Dad, none of us are perfect parents it doesn't exist. You just muddle along hoping you're doing your best.

[LittlePeaPod]

international [shocked] that's wrong on too many levels. Do you know if he even wants kids? What if he walks away and refuses to have anything to do with the baby or even pay for the baby. Are you financially in a position to look after the baby as well as your DD on your own or will you be relying on the state? This is one of the many questions running around in my head. I am really shocked that people actually think its ok to do this. I am really shocked.

[ElizabetaLuknichnaTomanovskaya]

LittlePeaPod and what is wrong with a woman deciding to have a baby without a husband. Are you worried that you or your male keeper might have to pay more in tax?

I've got two and I have never been married. I consulted DP and he was happy. Should he ever decide he isn't happy he will leave anyway. Isn't that the way it goes. Plenty of men turn out to be not very good parents or run off somewhere down the line. Just because you get their express permission to get pregnant doesn't mean they will stick to you like glue.

[LittlePeaPod]

Elizabeth don't assume I have a keeper. I am more than financially capable of looking after me and my daughter without a man or the state. What shocks me is the dicete to have a child. I haven't an issue with a woman having IVF to have a child on their own. Nitsblying to someone and sneaky having a child. Your situation is different. You consulted your DP and she hasn't..

[WeAreSeven]

international has already been on a few threads and the dangers of STDs have already been pointed out to her ad nauseum. Not to mention the morality of the situation which is a separate issue.

OP, a friend of mine had a similar dilemma with her husband. They both had good salaries and she pointed out that if they couldn't afford children, then no-one could. He was persuaded and they now have two dc's.

I would point out to him that having children means a lot to you and that your fertility is declining each year. You might not conceive immediately and if you did have problems conceiving, the younger you are the more likely you are to succeed with fertility treatment. I know you know all this but a lot of men seem to assume that women can conceive easily up to 45 or so and this isn't always the case. He needs to be made aware of this.

[ElizabetaLuknichnaTomanovskaya]

LittlePeaPod, good for you. I don't like deceit either. It should always be the women's choice. If men want to have sex, they run the gauntlet. They don't have to consent to have sex, they can live without it. I think it's right that women choose whether they want children, if you deceive the father, you should be able to support yourself. But plenty get the OK and then find themselves alone on benefits, no guarantees. You only live once and women unlike men have a window of opportunity.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

I suggest you don't follow international's example. Although I'm starting to think her fb must have fertility problems/had the snip if they've really been having sex twice a week for months.

Just talk to him. And if on those incomes he think you can't cope, it might be time to assume he's stringing you along.

[Beastofburden]

Just tell him straight that you need to have babies around the age of 30 or the risk of never having one at all goes higher every year.

[WilsonFrickett]

Cheesus Elizabeta come off the fence why don't you?

FWIW I absolutely disagree. In a loving, trusting relationship as long as a couple discuss and agree it is perfectly OK for the woman to be 'in charge' of the contraception. Without the man running the risk she'll change her mind and adopt a 'you run the gauntlet' approach. Yuck.

[78bunion]

Perhaps get your income to £150k work full time and have the baby. Then he will not have his problems with your lower freelance earnings. In other words if you earned what he did he would let you have a baby. Like most things it comes down to money and women having economic power.

[Summerblaze]

I think if it did happen then your DH would step up to the plate but I don't think you should deceive him. However I would be having the discussion and telling him in no uncertain terms how you feel about it.

There are very few men who are certain before they have children. They just don't have the same hormones. My DH and I were together for 11 years and married for 3 (we have been together since we were 14) when I decided the time was right. I knew he would be great at it, we had our own house and were financially secure (although not as much as the OP). He did agree as he knew I wanted to and that he did want children at some point but he wasn't sure when we started ttc, he wasn't sure when I became pg and he wasn't sure when I went into labour. Approximately 36 hours after that, he was so sure and is the most amazing dad.

Have the conversation.

[ElizabetaLuknichnaTomanovskaya]

I haven't suggested she deceive him.

Men have all the time in the world, women don't. In a loving trusting relationship a man should defer to the women. The worst that can happen if he decides he doesn't like being a father, wants a divorce or wants to back pack round Peru is he can always do what plenty of others do, be a part timer.

[Summerblaze]

BTW, my DH is also a perfectionist and one of his main worries was not doing it right. He doesn't always do everything right but he has learnt that with children, they don't always care.

[Loa]

I was surprised to find two of my friends had had deliberate 'accidents'.

In one case it did toward the end of her pg lead to them living together then later marrying and they are still together.

Other was already married and still is.

I'm not sure the other half's knew - but I did think they they seemed to be in very weak negotiating positions - weaker than me at home with the first DC and often didn't want to raise areas of dissatisfaction with their DH.

I'm not sure if that was always the way or if their 'accidents' caused their behavior.

I couldn't do this to my DH - we weren't as settled as we wanted but I didn't want to wait beyond late 20's early 30 as I was worried about falling fertility and possible issues in regard to contraception. I also found setting a time in future to start trying helped both us.

DH was on board with us having DC though not enthusiastic during first pg. Helped me to know we'd made the decision together at that time. DH really fell in love second eldest was born.

Obviously make sure he is not stringing you along but making the decision to have a DC without him is IMO a really big gamble.

[Retroformica]

Tell your DH you can't wait and you really want to be a mum now.

[Retroformica]

Have a heart to heart with your DH. Tell him you are stopping using contraception but if he wants to use it he can