'man trapping'.....hear me out

[Babiesonthebrain]

Im 29. I'm desperate for a baby.
I'm married to a lovely, kind, hardworking man who I love dearly but who is a perfectionist. He loves kids and will be a great dad, but wants us to save some money and buy a bigger house before we have a family.
My husband is 32. We've been married for three years, together for 6. We own a lovely 3 bed house and he earns 100k+ a year.
I'm a freelancer earning a decent amount, but he'd like me to have a more stable career before we have kids. he wants to wait for another 18months/ 2 years.

I think this is all total rubbish.

We had a pregnancy 'scare' a few months ago and he was thrilled. We were both disappointed when my
period arrived.

Would I, in any way, be doing him a favour by taking the decision out of his hands or is it evil and dishonest to even consider it? If it 'just happened' he wouldn't have to worry about whether we were making the right decision at the right time....

Any help appreciated!

[FoxMulder]

You could tell him you're coming off the pill, you want to give your body a break. See how he feels. It might not freak him out as much as actually 'trying'.

The money is clearly not an issue. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and we have a joint income of about £35K which I consider pretty comfortable! (but this is up north)

[Babiesonthebrain]

Brilliant responses - thank you! I agree with lots of you about it being the wrong thing to do and I promise I won't 'steal his sperm' lol! We do talk, frequently and at length, about this and every time he tells me that he's scared about the responsibility. Everything he does, he does brilliantly and, basically, he's terrified about not being the perfect father. He's terrified to make such an important decision when he knows theres a chance he could be anything other than perfect!
I love him very much and would never do anything to hurt or upset him. I know that if I told him I was pregnant he would be pleased, which is the only reason I'm even having this conversation....

[LittlePeaPod]

Instead of deceiving him into having a child. Help him get to a place were he feels comfortable enough to go ahead. You are only 29 and you have time. Don't distroying the trust and respect in your relationship. There is no reason that could/would justify this type of deceit. If you love him that much then respect him andnhis feelings and keep talking.

[FoxMulder]

Maybe he's overthinking it. I think it's probably true about there never being a 'right time'. You just have to close your eyes and leap! I know people who have waited for the right time, and it never came and they missed their chance.

[Chusband]

And BTW you don't want a more stable career - freelancing is perfect for having kids.

[EmmaKate1985]

I totally agree with the responses of FeckOffCup and DidoTheDodo - although apologies and no offence to anyone else as I haven't read the whole thread through!

[motherinferior]

'freelancing is perfect for having kids'


HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

Well, yes, if you mean you pay for your own maternity leave, and you'll need to sort childcare just as rigorously for the days you work as you would in a regular job...

I have freelanced since before my two were born, btw.

[kali110]

Op yes do Talk to him. Its a disgusting thing to trick him and get pregnant.
Men dont always step up and do the right thing and im shocked some people still think its acceptable.

[motherinferior]

My two four-month maternity leaves cost me thirteen grand between them.

[WilsonFrickett]

I think freelancing is the perfect time to have a baby tbh. And if you wait till you find a job/qualify for mat leave etc it will be years, not months before you can ttc.

That said, no, I don't think you should ttc without your husband's full consent and agreement. It's just wrong otherwise.

[Beastofburden]

Everything he does, he does brilliantly and, basically, he's terrified about not being the perfect father. He's terrified to make such an important decision when he knows theres a chance he could be anything other than perfect!

This is why you need to talk. Because he will not be a perfect father, he will just be averagely shit, like all the rest of us. Do you really want him a bag of PFB nerves freaking out all over you and the baby every time it hiccoughs or wont sleep?

I daresay the scare suited him, as it took responsibility away from him, and I can see why you might try it again. Perhaps parenthood would suit him and he will grow up and dump the perfetionsit nature. Perhaps. but in your shoes I would spend some of that cracking income of yours on a little therapy, to manage his anxiety and perfectionism, and get him to a point where he embraces the risks and realities of parenthood.

[MrsOakenshield]

yes, but that can be a big drop in salary. And I really felt in pinch when DD started nursery and caught everything going, which then I caught - having no sick pay is not a laugh. Yes, freelancing is good because it's flexible, but financially it can be a very very big hit.

[Babiesonthebrain]

He doesnt need to 'grow up', I assure you...

[Beastofburden]

not meant to be nasty- but seriously, if he is that perfectionist, it is a form of anxiety which will only be a problem in the light of what parenting truly is.

[LittlePeaPod]

Bottom line BabiesOnatheBrain is do you want to lie to your husband? Is that who you are and can you honestly live with knowing there is a deceitful secret between you? Whichever way you flip it, if you do it, then you have deceived him. How would he feel if he ever found out that you deceived or tricked him into it! Only you know. What we think ultimately doesn't matter.

[fuzzpig]

Completely agree with beast about the perfectionism (lengthy experience in that area... Fear of failing has cost me a lot in terms of life opportunities)

[Beastofburden]

The key point he has to learn is- you can't control everything. Really, you can't. Not in parenting.

[ElizabetaLuknichnaTomanovskaya]

I'm probably going to be a bit controversial.

Women conceive and they have a window of opportunity in which to do so. Women carry, give birth and feed babies. Women have always been the ones with the upper hand in this process, we bring new life into the world. Women are also very capable of not just having children but of working and providing for their children. In ancient and tribal societies women provided as much as 80% of the food. Now women work for wages and most manage and do a good job of raising their children, whatever sort of husband they have, or none.

I'm sure many women here are pro-choice, it should always be the women who decides. If it had been the other way; you didn't want the baby and he was over the moon and wanted to try again, everyone here would say, "your body, your choice"

OP I would simply state how sad the loss made you feel and that you would like to try again. Bin the contraception. If he chooses to have sex with you he runs the risk of conception, his body, his choice!

[FellatioNelson]

If you do this be prepared for it to come back and bite you on the arse big time. No-one wants to be tricked, trapped or lied to by someone who is supposed to love and respect them.

If you feel so strongly about it just talk to him. Maybe he'll compromise by really focusing on saving money now and agreeing to start TTC after six months or something.

I agree with what MrsTerry said in theory but in practice I think that would lead to resentment and distrust. If you stop all BC and he starts using condoms as a direct result of that, you'll get the raging hump and feel all resentful and frustrated, and if a condom fails he'll be accusing you of sabotaging it with drawing pins. And he might even be right, based on what you are saying here!

I don't think it's ever fair/right to pressure someone into this. If you can't talk him round then you just have to lump it or leave.

[StuntGirl]

Absolutely wrong. Talk to him.

Even if you go down the route of "I want a baby. I am no longer going to use contraception. Therefore every time we have sex I may get pregnant. You can now choose to be in charge of your own fertility. Choose to use contraception or not, but it's now your choice", at least that way you are being honest with him.

Lies have no place within a relationship.

[internationallove985]

Hi O.P I'm actually hoping to fall pregnant without my I'll call him partners knowlege. We met in May have been having unprotected sex since May and thankfully contraception has never been mentioned. So I can understand your thinking. However I would never advise of disadvise anyone to do what I'm doing. It has to be a personal decision. Hopefully he'll see it as a happy accident but if not I'm already a single mum so I'll cope on my own if I do get pregnant and he decides not to stick around. x

[Pinupgirl]

If he doesn't want a baby-and I don't think he does,all this not having enough money is shite-you are rich by most peoples standards-then he must be responsible for contraception. Come off the pill and tell him to use condoms. Get on with having a baby while you have the time to do so.

[FellatioNelson]

Has he ever been led to believe in any way whatsoever that you are using contraception, or that you cannot conceive international?

I find it utterly amazing that two adults of child bearing age can have a sexual relationship spanning several months and neither of them ever mentions the other about birth control. Just amazing. I'm horrified.

[FellatioNelson]

sorry I meant mentions, or asks the other, etc