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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I have it out with her

127 replies

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 10:30

Long time lurker here but in a bit of a quandary

My long term friend has gone on holiday abroad for two weeks with her new dp. She asked me to look after her DD age 12 she best mates with my DD since babies. I asked why isnt dd going and she said 'Oh she doesnt want to'

Im now in day 8 and the mum has not contacted once. She has not given me any contact numbers in case of accident and only gave her dd £20 spending. She goes home on Monday

I have asked her dd why she didnt want to go on holiday and she said 'I wasnt asked :( ' .

My friend has already fallen out with her mum and sis due to her new relationship because she is ignoring family. I feel that I will be falling out with her too.

AIBU to have it out with her ?

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 23/08/2013 10:33

I'd be angry that she lied. Poor DD!

Finola1step · 23/08/2013 10:36

I can understand your frustration but right now, focus in the daughter. You have known her all her life and it sounds like that she may well need you and your family quite a bit if this relationship continues.

But do not agree to look after her again without thrashing out the finer details. I am truly shocked that a parent would go on holiday and not be contactable if their child has an accident etc.

Finola1step · 23/08/2013 10:37

Focus on not in!

youarewinning · 23/08/2013 10:39

I'd also be angry she lied. Then I'd provide her with receipts for everything you've spent on her DD including food. Tell her as she was happy to pay for her DD to go on holiday then you know it won't be a problem.

See her reaction before challenging her. You only have the DD's version of events although your friend is showing signs of the selfish behaviour her DD has told you about.

Original poster

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 10:40

I dunno why that came out in bold ..

I know this is my thinking too Finola. Im just angry at the mum and want to shake her.

I have contact numbers for the dad. I did contact her sis but no answer

OP posts:

Original poster

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 10:40

i mean I dont have contact numbers for the dad..doh

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Original poster

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 10:43

I have seen it. I had her xmas too because dd wanted a family xmas and the mum wanted to stay with the bf . So she came to mine. sorry for the dripfeeding

OP posts:

HighJinx · 23/08/2013 10:46

I am and for your friend's DD.

HighJinx · 23/08/2013 10:47

So what does your friend think you are supposed to do if something happens to her DD?

Original poster

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 10:48

I really dont think she actually thinks of that

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Makqueen · 23/08/2013 10:51

I couldn't imagine going away from my 11 year old ds and not leaving contact numbers incase of an emergency, and I would call him everyday to check in too. She's been very irresponsible.

Makqueen · 23/08/2013 10:52

Poor little girl being sidelined for he new bf as well. She's really going to resent her mother for that.

HandMini · 23/08/2013 10:53

What do you mean by "have it out with her"?

If you mean she needs to leave contact details or more spending money or whatever when you look after her DD in future, that is fine.

If you mean you want to question her on why she didn't take her DD on holiday / at Christmas, I would tread VERY carefully. There may be numerous issues that you or her DD don't know. Leaving your child to go on holiday for 2 weeks is not a parenting choice for everyone, but it's her child and her decision. If you can't accept this, you will need to lose her as a friend and I can magine this would be a bad state of affairs given how close your children are. Tough situation.

Gingersstuff · 23/08/2013 10:53

I wold have it out with her. She may not see it in her little new-DP-blissed-up-bubble, but she is being a selfish cow and her DD needs her especially at what can be a very awkward and challenging age.

HRHLadyG · 23/08/2013 10:54

This is very sad. It may be that you provide a stable family environment for this little girl whilst it sounds as though her Mother isn't able. You are doing a wonderful thing for this child. I would be cautious about being too challenging as the Mother may react in a manner that makes her daughter suffer.
I would try to let this time go, but next time suggest she may need to contribute to living costs and that you were anxious that she wasn't in contact in the event of something happening.....

Original poster

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 10:56

I mean ask her why she lied and why no contact. The daughter is visibly upset and trying to think of things to do everyday to hopefully make the time go quicker for her.

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Original poster

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 10:59

Im trying to to think of things what the fuck is wrong with me today

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StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 23/08/2013 11:00

tbh I would not have anyone's child for 2 weeks without getting full details of where they are in case of an emergency so I think you have a bit of responsibility there. Having said that it is wrong for her mum not to have given her even a text or a quick call. did she offer you any contribution to food? or was the £20 it? not nice if nothing offered. i think a stern talk when she gets home is in order for the daughters sake. friend will reap the rewards of an unhappy and resentful daughter in the future if this continues she is obviously a close friend so you need to have a chat with her.

HandMini · 23/08/2013 11:00

Asking why no contact and setting clear guidelines of, say, calling every other day if you look after her DD again would be a good idea.

I would bet that if you tell her she lied and her DD did want to go on the hol and was not invited, you will open up a shitstorm from her. She will defend her decision and say her DD (or you) are lying.

Jinsei · 23/08/2013 11:01

YANBU but why on earth didn't you ask for the emergency contact details before she left? There's no way I'd accept responsibility for someone else's child without being sure that I could contact the parents if needs be.

Jinsei · 23/08/2013 11:03

X posts!

Original poster

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 11:06

I did ask! She said she was gonna give me the number of the dad and the day she dropped her off the daughter just ran in and the mum said 'she has everything' and went. I asked daughter if she had any numbers to give me she said no. The numbers were discussed but not given. No i wasnt given any cash but for me its the not contacting. I have messaged her too and nothing

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WhatWillSantaBring · 23/08/2013 11:06

If the DD is visibly upset then I think you can "report" back to your friend when she returns. Without judgement (hard, I know) and trying to remain neutral, but tell her that although you loved having her to stay, you were worried as the DD thinks she wasn't asked on the holiday, was really upset at the lack of contact and seems to be struggling with the current set-up. You can also say you were worried that you had no contact details, because (heaven forbid) if there was an accident that needed a parental decision, you would have been really stuck. Ask her if she's having any issues with her DD's behaviour that she needs your support with.

The risk is that, if you challenge your friend, she'll withdraw totally, and then the poor DD will be left without a crucial support network.

Growing up, we had several waifs and strays (as my mum called them as a term of endearment) at our house over the years - usually teenage girls who had real issues with their parents, ranging from normal teenage angst to abusive homes. To my knowledge, my mother never judged or said a word to the parents, just took the poor girls in and gave them love, support and a place to hide/recover.

HighJinx · 23/08/2013 11:06

I don't know your friend or your relationship with her but I think in this situation I might not get angry with her but try telling her how saddened I was that she didn't call and how upset her DD was. Sort of 'It's so unlike you, I just don't get it...'

She has already fallen out with her mum and her sister for her new dp so I think if you go in hard she won't listen and will cut you out too.

Original poster

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 11:08

I also messaged sister and nothing.

OP posts:

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