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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have it out with her

127 replies

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 10:30

Long time lurker here but in a bit of a quandary

My long term friend has gone on holiday abroad for two weeks with her new dp. She asked me to look after her DD age 12 she best mates with my DD since babies. I asked why isnt dd going and she said 'Oh she doesnt want to'

Im now in day 8 and the mum has not contacted once. She has not given me any contact numbers in case of accident and only gave her dd £20 spending. She goes home on Monday

I have asked her dd why she didnt want to go on holiday and she said 'I wasnt asked :( ' .

My friend has already fallen out with her mum and sis due to her new relationship because she is ignoring family. I feel that I will be falling out with her too.

AIBU to have it out with her ?

OP posts:
HighJinx · 23/08/2013 11:11

What was this friend like before she met her new dp? Would she have behaved like this?

Original poster
wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 11:13

HighJinx and WhatWillSantaBring and many others thank you.

I was just blind sided when she just dropped her off like that. I will take your advice and try to stay neutral. Im just shocked. I think it touches a nerve with me as my dad behaved exactly the same

OP posts:
Original poster
wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 11:16

She was single for 6 years but she had a few flings and um she did degrade her self with some men. Like if we went out she would get a booty call and piss off as 2am and leave me there. With her last dp she did ignore her older kids. When they split up she begged me to get him to stay

OP posts:
HighJinx · 23/08/2013 11:24

I'm not surprised you are upset, it is horrible to witness her DD being so upset and especially emotive if your dad behaved like that.

Your friend sounds quite selfish and seems to have form for this type of thing.

It sounds like you are being lovely to her DD though Flowers

teenagetantrums · 23/08/2013 11:25

does the daughter not have her dads number? not many 12 year olds without mobiles these days.

Original poster
wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 11:30

She hasnt a mobile (she did but lost/nicked/misplaced) and I asked her when was the last time you saw your dad she said 'december' ffs it gets worse. x

OP posts:
youarewinning · 23/08/2013 11:41

I'm going to change my mind slightly and look at it after the xmas post.

It sounds like this isn't a new relationship if she's been with him since before Christmas? And it sounds like it was just DD and the mum for half her life before this?

Although the mum does have to consider her DD's feelings DD also has to accept mum has a bf in her life. The wanting a family Christmas and spending it with you instead of her mum and bf sounds like she cut off her nose to spite her face - instead of sharing mum she chose all mum or no mum. Sad Providing the bf isn't horrid to the DD and making her life hell are you absolutely sure the DD doesn't make her mum and bf life as difficult as she can and so they welcomed a break from it. I'm not saying that is right and the mum has handled it brilliantly - I don't agree with no contact or cash - but it sounds like far more is going on than meets the eye.

Original poster
wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 11:54

I dont want to go into more details but i have probably outed myself anyway buy hey ho. but as far as I know he isnt horrid. he isnt anything. He doesnt speak at all. He lives with them now.
To clairify what i meant by family xmas is that they used to go to the mums or sisters and take it in turns but the mum just wanted to be with bf and at his house at the time. DD didnt want to go to his so the mum asked me to have her. Smack me for dripfeeding

OP posts:
youarewinning · 23/08/2013 14:58

That wasn't drip feeding - it was answering my question! Grin

Is beginning to sound as much the DD withdrawing from mum as much as mum giving attention to bf.

I would go along the lines of a friendly chat rather than having a go. Firmly point out what she did was wrong, that her DD is feeling left out and that whilst you understand she has a life she needs to include 1 on 1 with her DD in that.
And even though her DD may be saying its fine, I'll go elsewhere she is still a little girl who needs her mum and is acting out her feelings in the way 12 yo know how!

Crinkle77 · 23/08/2013 15:43

I think you could mention that you were surprised she never called. I would keep out of the rest as you will probably end up falling out.

OHforDUCKScake · 23/08/2013 15:47

I dread to think how the little girl feels.

If my mum had gone away for even a week and not called me the whole time I was be beside myself. And it's not like I was hanging on the apron strings either, I was really independent from my mum. It would have broken my heart to be left, let alone not called.

Poor kid. Yes, as others have said, please stay in her life.

Original poster
wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 17:20

I have got over my little rant by taking the kids out. I have been married twice but i can never remember being this blinded.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/08/2013 17:47

that poor kid! i would have very strong words with this so-called mother.

Original poster
wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 17:57

I wish there was a like button for these comments. Again i feel bad for the daughter because my dad was like this. My mum had nervous breakdown and had electric shock therapy and was in 'hospital'. Myself and my brother were put in temporary foster care as my dad had his life :( . Havent spoken to him in 6 years

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Original poster
wossgoinon · 25/08/2013 12:58

Well the mum is back from holiday and is crowing on fb on how wonderful it was. I asked when is she coming for dd....no answer

OP posts:
Andro · 25/08/2013 13:09

I would question what kind of mother goes away and doesn't call their child for 2 weeks...but I know the answer as I have one of my own!

It's petty vindictiveness at best and pure inconsiderate, emotionally abusive, selfishness at worst. Give your friend's DD as much reassurance as you can, and find out why you were not given any contact information in case of an emergency - stay very calm about it and point out that you had no way of contacting anyone had her DD be hurt/fallen ill. If her DD has been distressed by the lack of contact/being left behind, calmly report that as well.

pianodoodle · 25/08/2013 13:10

She's back and hasn't picked up her daughter?! Poor girl :(

VelvetSpoon · 25/08/2013 13:12

I wouldn't be able to keep my opinions to myself on this one. Friend or not she's behaving like a selfish inconsiderate bitch.

I can't see any basis on which her actions could be defended.

And I speak as someone who has been single for nearly 5 years. I think too much of my children to ever treat them as this woman has.

Nancy66 · 25/08/2013 13:13

your friend sounds horrible - not to mention desperate.

She's one of those women for whom having a boyfriend is the single, most important thing - above and beyond her own children.

Lots of them about unfortunately.

Original poster
wossgoinon · 25/08/2013 13:14

DD is fine but she has said she is annoyed with her mum.

The mum plays her life out on fb and im sitting on my hands to stop me from posting something that will hopefully shame her.

She has been back in uk since 6ish and still nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
wossgoinon · 25/08/2013 13:17

She just messaged to say coach has broken down and they have been up since 3am-poor dahlings

First contact I/we have had

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Misknit · 25/08/2013 13:33

Hmm I think she's laying the foundations for not collecting her until tomorrow.

Nancy66 · 25/08/2013 13:34

the broken down coach story will be made up.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 25/08/2013 13:43

She's a selfish cow. Her poor DD. Sad

Original poster
wossgoinon · 25/08/2013 13:51

Hmm well dd wants to go home. She misses her cat

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