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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have it out with her

127 replies

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 10:30

Long time lurker here but in a bit of a quandary

My long term friend has gone on holiday abroad for two weeks with her new dp. She asked me to look after her DD age 12 she best mates with my DD since babies. I asked why isnt dd going and she said 'Oh she doesnt want to'

Im now in day 8 and the mum has not contacted once. She has not given me any contact numbers in case of accident and only gave her dd £20 spending. She goes home on Monday

I have asked her dd why she didnt want to go on holiday and she said 'I wasnt asked :( ' .

My friend has already fallen out with her mum and sis due to her new relationship because she is ignoring family. I feel that I will be falling out with her too.

AIBU to have it out with her ?

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 03/09/2013 13:08

She sounds like she has some serious problems. I'm all for having 'me' or 'us' time, but to fuck off, for 2 weeks, without a peep when you have a child is bang out of order.

You're best right out of it. Poor kid!

Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 13:18

Hi all

I did ask for contact details and she reckons she forgot. She sent me a ream of text one sentence says 'Im well aware of what I do and why I do it, you dont have to agree but as a friend I expect you not to judge' Sorry lady but if you fuck off for 10 days and not bother contacting your daughter i cant help but judge.

Her mother said that apparently as one of the rules when her bf moved in was that the kids couldnt come in the sitting room in the evening as 'it was their time' ??

OP posts:
pigletmania · 03/09/2013 13:22

Op I would definitely contact ss and say bye bye to the friendship, this is not on

pigletmania · 03/09/2013 13:25

She is horrid I definitely would report to ss

Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 13:31

There is no violence going on but she did threaten the daughter that she was gonna send her to her dads in wales and that 'he can put up with her' because apparently the daughter has an attitude like most 12/13 year old girls

Will ss listen to my concerns ?

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 03/09/2013 13:33

the dd is a child! she has been ditched and ignored and banned from moving freely in her own house

I would report to ss with my concerns, might make her buck her ideas up if nothing else!

Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 13:52

OK i will. Ill do it now x

OP posts:
Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 13:58

I am in touch with the nan via fb message and we are now talking about involving ss . I do not want to frighten the girl more but you are all right of course

OP posts:
KoalaFace · 03/09/2013 13:59

Wossgoinon I feel for you and her DD. Unfortunately I've never heard of a situation like this when the irresponsible parent has ever ever listened. They never take it on board. They are always defensive and unwilling to see how their behaviour is hurting the children.

I hope her DD will still be able to turn to you when she feels alone. Which I have a horrible feeling, she will.

Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 14:12

she is very defensive with the 'i deserve happiness' 'im the happiest i have ever been' and weekends and evenings are her and bfs time. She cancelled her daughters cinema card and put it in bf name. That alone did it for me

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 03/09/2013 14:30

the happiest she's ever been?

while the daughter that should be the centre of her world is the most miserable she's ever been.:(

MissCookieIsNotABiscuit · 03/09/2013 14:45

wossgoinon you sound like a lovely person sticking up for this young girl. I hope, as Koala says, she will remember you're a caring person for her to come to in future. Good luck with it all.

MissStrawberry · 03/09/2013 15:10

The only thing I understand is wanting time alone in the evening as sometimes DH and I get fed up with the kids coming in when we are trying to watch a dvd but this is when it is passed their bedtime and they should be asleep! They are never told they are not allowed to come down Sad.

My mother chose her boyfriends over me and while that meant I was in care all of my life it still hurts as I never had a settled home. This woman is obviously caught up in the wanting to shag all the time, possibly being controlled by the boyfriend, but she has a child ffs and she should come first. I have a 12 year old and it is tough but that is the deal when you have a family.

Is she very young? She certainly sounds it.

Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 15:24

Nope she is 40...

She has always been like this. She doesnt talk to her eldest one because she did it to him

OP posts:
Pawprint · 03/09/2013 15:27

That's absolutely awful :( Especially the update Angry

Don't know what to suggest - don't know if it's enough to report it to SS?

Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 15:31

I passed my concern to her mum who she now doesnt speak to as she voiced her opinion on what was happening.

Im not sure its enough for ss either

OP posts:
FondantNancy · 03/09/2013 15:43

Christ, what a selfish, selfish woman. The DD is lucky to have you in her life but she needs a mother. A full time one. Poor bloody kid. :(

PanickingIdiot · 03/09/2013 15:54

Where is the girl's father in all this?

Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 16:20

The father is in Wales. The split when she was about 2. He has just got out of prison on a gbh charge

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 03/09/2013 17:05

It probably isn't enough for SS which is why so many kids are growing up in homes where they are practically bringing themselves up.

JessieMcJessie · 03/09/2013 17:15

How utterly shocking that she has not even thanked you for looking after her daughter for a fortnight. I'd be tempted to send her a bill for food and accommodation.

Purple2012 · 03/09/2013 17:32

Absolutely shocking. She shouldn't be banising her daughter for their own time together like that.

My SD is 16. I get very little time with my DH due to our shifts and we have my SD on all his days off. This month I actually have 2 lots of 2 days off with DH. My SD is aware of how little time we get together. I did her dates she comes to us with her and then showed her the 2 occasions when we had days together and asked her which one she wanted to come on. She said she would let us have time together but I insisted she came on one of those occasions. She then picked and said she would go out but I told her she didn't need to. We do want her here but she knows a few times a year we try to have a couple of days together as a couple. She hasn't missed out. She is still with us for nearly two weeks of the month as normal.

It is tough when a partner has a child but the child comes first.

pumpkinsweetie · 03/09/2013 18:06

Gosh this woman just gets worse,
sorry excuse for a mother if you can even call her that. Ss should be doing something but they are not.
I would walk away from this friendship before this gets any worse, unfortunetly there isn't anymore you can do Sad

Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 18:31

i have walked away and she aint happy. She has been slagging me off big time on Facebook x

we have about 30 mutual friends but hey gives her the drama

OP posts:
ihearsounds · 03/09/2013 19:03

Refer to SS. I know you said she is not physically abusive, but it doesn't just have to be this for SS intervention. Her mum is neglecting her needs. She is putting another adult before her child. She isn't ensuring that the child is secure emotionally. There are possibly other ways that she is being neglected - inadequately clothed, fed, medically negligent.

You also don't know if SS have had other calls in the past. Surely the school must have realised/heard something as well. If there has been no calls, at least if at this point something will be on record for when the next person calls.