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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have it out with her

127 replies

wossgoinon · 23/08/2013 10:30

Long time lurker here but in a bit of a quandary

My long term friend has gone on holiday abroad for two weeks with her new dp. She asked me to look after her DD age 12 she best mates with my DD since babies. I asked why isnt dd going and she said 'Oh she doesnt want to'

Im now in day 8 and the mum has not contacted once. She has not given me any contact numbers in case of accident and only gave her dd £20 spending. She goes home on Monday

I have asked her dd why she didnt want to go on holiday and she said 'I wasnt asked :( ' .

My friend has already fallen out with her mum and sis due to her new relationship because she is ignoring family. I feel that I will be falling out with her too.

AIBU to have it out with her ?

OP posts:
Hissy · 25/08/2013 17:37

Poor child. Stay close and make sure she knows you'll always be there eh?

HighJinx · 25/08/2013 17:38

Apparently the holiday is booked for next year all ready. Just the two her and her bf

Does she expect you to have her DD again?

Snoopingforsoup · 25/08/2013 17:41

YANBU and should definitely have it out with her.

What sort of person buggers off for that length of time without phoning and speak to their child anyway?

You're clearly a good person looking after her DD, but you shouldn't agree to look after her daughter again knowing this is how she is...and definitely not without contact numbers.

breakingup · 25/08/2013 18:00

In all honesty,

I think you need to get some professional advice about this situation.

Would you consider being a foster parent for this girl?

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 25/08/2013 18:02

what a selfish cowbag! Shock Angry

please reassure her dd that you will be there if she ever needs someone. sounds like she doesnt have any support or anyone properly constant in her life.

you sound lovely btw op. not many would take someone elses child for that long with no money, no contact details or anything Thanks

catinabox · 25/08/2013 18:11

*In all honesty,

I think you need to get some professional advice about this situation.

Would you consider being a foster parent for this girl?*

That's a wee bit of an over reaction. Sorry. Lazy disengaged parenting and abuse are very different things.

Social Care would not fund a foster placement for a child who's mum went on holiday and didn't contact her. (unless i have missed something)

Mum is self absorbed and lazy. OP is a fab friend and has been great for the DD.

breakingup · 25/08/2013 18:19

It sounds like there is more to it,

If she is brazen enough to do this what else goes on?

Original poster
wossgoinon · 25/08/2013 18:39

I dont wanna out myself but she went through a spell a few years ago and just left them to search for her ex bf. I had to pick them up and they stayed with me a week and then her sister had them as she was sectioned.

OP posts:
Original poster
wossgoinon · 25/08/2013 18:40

She did get better but now it just seems to happen again

OP posts:
breakingup · 25/08/2013 18:45

You owe this girl a better life.

Her mother obviously doesn't actually give a crap about her,

Trust me I know the emotional scars of a child who's parents couldn't care less.

catinabox · 25/08/2013 19:09

You owe this girl a better life

I think the mother does not OP. It's great that OP is there for her though, it will help her be more resilient as she gets older.

Original poster
wossgoinon · 25/08/2013 19:11

So do I Breaking. My mum was not capable of looking after myself or my brother and my dad was just interested in his new life.

I dropped out of school and had bad relationships. I just want to make the mum see what she is doing but its like she isnt interested.

I might have a word with the nan.

OP posts:
Original poster
wossgoinon · 25/08/2013 19:13

Im not the perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. But I did and do my best with what I have.

OP posts:
TrueStory · 25/08/2013 20:52

I think you handled it pretty well Wossgoinon, considering a tricky situation.

Sad for the little girl, but I don't think there's much you can do. If she really is that alienated from her mother, you will find she will probably be a friend later in life, so its nice if you can stay friendly, keep in touch etc.

Obviously have some cast iron reasons ready as to why you can't do this kind of childcare in the future.

Original poster
wossgoinon · 27/08/2013 13:09

Well I spoke to the girls gran today.

She is happy that I called and that someone else outside the family is seeing it too.

OP posts:
quesadilla · 27/08/2013 13:24

sorry, maybe I'm being heavy-handed but I don't see the point in pussyfooting around this, the mother needs telling in no uncertain terms that she is out of order not to contact the dd or leave a contact number. I can't see a scenario in which this is OK, tbh.

Yes, the dd may have made the mum uncomfortable, may have lied about not having been invited etc etc. But you don't feck off on holiday for that long and not leave a contact in case of an emergency.

I would have insisted on contact details in the first place but I would also say to her when she gets back that her dd was upset and you were left in a difficult and worrying position. And that you think if she did that again it could have a very negative impact on her relationship with her dd.

HighJinx · 28/08/2013 14:11

I also think you're handling pretty well. Especially as you have been through a similar situation with your own father. It's so easy to over-react when something like this opens up old wounds.

Are you or the girl's gran planning on taking any further action or are you going to keep an eye on things?

Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 11:55

UPDATE

Well I told her and she decided to have a rant on FB and here it is -

Is getting bored of people judging me, be it family or so called friends, don't like what I do? say? the way I act? speak? the way I bring my kids up? my morals? my values? tough shite, use your delete button.....opppps Wossgoinon already has.......& then Fuck the Fuck off, & when you get there, Fuck off some more, the only person I am answerable to is myself, & I am the most happiest I have EVER been in my entire life, these people, clearly are not happy........THE END.........for now ,

OP posts:
Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 11:58

I had reams of texts saying 'i should understand' regarding her daughter. I deleted her but said i would still be her friend and told her why

A mutual friend said this was like Eastenders. I just said more like Tracy Beaker!

OP posts:
Abra1d · 03/09/2013 12:00

So no 'Thank you for looking after my daughter,' then? Obviously not. Poor girl. Thank God she had you.

NutritiousAndDelicious · 03/09/2013 12:08

Sorry OP Sad it's shit, but in situations like this she has to wake up and see it for herself. Right now she's just in defence mode. Let her DD know she's always welcome at your house though.

Original poster
wossgoinon · 03/09/2013 12:17

I have let the mum know and her daughter that I am there . But i got no thank you. just reams of abuse because I dared to speak up.

OP posts:
samuelwhiskers · 03/09/2013 12:40

The exact same thing happened to me two years ago, my friend is still not talking to me but tbh I am happy. My DD lost her friend although very occasionally they see each other. You did the right thing Wossgoinon, it will make her think about her actions and going on holiday without her DD and no contact. My friend ended up seeing a psychiatrist with her DD and apparently things are much better for them as a family. Your friend has obvious issues with her life and you were just there to look after her DD for her, not sure she is much of a friend to you so you will be better off without her.

MissStrawberry · 03/09/2013 12:53

Report it to SS.

She really sounds like an immature spoilt brat.

pigletmania · 03/09/2013 13:05

Yanbu what a sorry excuse for a mother. Did you not ask for contact details before she left? I would give her a couple more days than contact ss as her mother abandoned her!

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