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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop DP going on lads holiday???

368 replies

MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 12:49

DP and I are in our twenties, and I am 13+5 pregnant, due in November. His friends have decided to book a weeks holiday end of August, start of Sept... DP asked if I would mind him going and I said yes as il be 7months gone I have DS to previous relationship so will need the help and money etc... He got upset etc and made me feel exceptionally guilty. So me being me said he should go for a long weekend and come home before his friends, stay 3nights, that way we are both happy! His mother advised us "he should go as it will be his last" and he keeps repeating that now complaining after agreeing to the long weekend he wants to go for the week!

First of all I will be 7months, I have DS I need help with and the money would benefit the baby, flights and accommodation are costing £300 and spending money, well, at least 2weeks wages! We are far from flush!

AIBUR????

Please tell me I'm not insane? Shock

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 01/05/2013 12:51

you cant 'stop' or 'let'a grown adult do anything!

Justforlaughs · 01/05/2013 12:53

Hand on heart I'd encourage mine to go. I think that right now he (my DH) needs a break and I've been trying to get him to go away with mates for ages. I can understand why you would like him around but I wouldn't be standing in his way of he could afford to do it.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 01/05/2013 12:54

You will 'allow' him to go for 3 days but not a week Confused

How are you planning to stop him going exactly? As long as you are feeling ok is it really that big a deal, he has a few months to save for it.

givemeaclue · 01/05/2013 12:55

Long weekend seems a good compromise

NinaHeart · 01/05/2013 12:56

You're pregnant, not incapacitated.

I genuinely think YABU and your DP should go away and have a fine old time with his friends,. he will come back a cheerier and grateful person and not stay a resentful one and that will benefit you all in the long term.

Sounds a bit as though you might be envious of his opportunity?

GoingUpInTheWorld · 01/05/2013 12:56

I think hes being selfish.

When would you be able to go away for a week without the kids with your friends?

When he can answer that question, then he can go!

Hes going to get a big shock if he thinks he can spend alot of money on none essentials just for himself when you have children.

flipchart · 01/05/2013 12:56

I've mixed feelings on this one because although I have been with DH for 22 years I have had two holidays a year with my mates, even when I didn't have much money ( we just had cheaper holidays)

If you haven't got much money that would be the main issue.

Catlike · 01/05/2013 12:56

No you're not insane. Lads and girlie holidays are for single people IMO. He's being very selfish to my mind but not everyone will see it that way, so be prepared for plenty of people to tell you you're being unreasonable and controlling.

MissSG · 01/05/2013 12:57

If he can afford it without no financial strain as a family there is no reason why he shouldn't go, sorry.

I'm a single parent (Not by choice), have been for 6 months now, 26+3 weeks pregnant and I have a 20 MO DS. A week should be a breeze and give you the time to spend some quality time with your other DC.

scarletforya · 01/05/2013 12:59

YANBU.

The ship of 'lads holidays' has sailed. He missed the boat. Lads/girls holidays are about drinking and pulling.

What is the point of going if you can't pull and realistically once pissed temptation is much harder to resist.

I know loads will come on going on about 'trust' and all that but I would be asking him why put yourself inb temptations way?

Also money. Do you as a couple have a grand (and the rest) to waste on a holiday for one person?

PoppadomPreach · 01/05/2013 12:59

I personally think it's selfish. Of course you can't stop it, but you don't have to assuage his conscience by appearing to be fine with it.

JustforLaughs - I think there is quite a difference between going away with a mate and gng for a week-long lad's holiday.

OP - I'd say to him that clearly he can do what he likes and he must choose what he thinks the best thing is - ie don't let him try to give you"permission" - and don't let him say "you're making me feel guilty" - just say it is entirely up to him what he does, and if guilt is a part of it, then that is his own issue, and nothing to do with you.

MissSG · 01/05/2013 13:04

I didn't mean to sound patronising at all, so I'm sorry if it did. I just want you to know that although being pregnant and looking after a toddler at the same time can be daunting it is so rewarding, I think a week to spend with your other DC before the baby arrives and your partner going away would do you both a world of good.

Make sure you get your holiday when you are able to though Grin

CooEeeEldridge · 01/05/2013 13:05

Crickey, I'm quite capable of going on a 'girls' (cringe) hol and not cheating on my partner! If he's got his own money to go, it's his choice as far as I can see. Why don't you plan going away with your friends next summer so it's in and something to look forwards to?

ENormaSnob · 01/05/2013 13:05

Do you live together?

If you do, will your finances allow it?

Justforlaughs · 01/05/2013 13:09

Of course, if he does go you can "trade" on it for some time to come, and you would of course be entitled to a reciprocal agreement at such a time as you are not breastfeeding!

valiumredhead · 01/05/2013 13:11

Seeing as I gave birth at 7 months personally I wouldn't want my dh going too far. Saying that he is a grown man and has to make his own decisions.

worsestershiresauce · 01/05/2013 13:11

My DH and his mates used to do this before we all had kids. None of the wives minded in least. We'd mind now though, as we'd rather they spent their holiday time with their children I'd say let him go. At 7 months you'll be fine on your own. Things don't get difficult until the last month.

olgaga · 01/05/2013 13:11

I think the issue here is whether you can afford to spend that kind of money when you're about to have a baby!

If money is tight, he definitely shouldn't go.

If he was committed to you and the baby, I don't think he'd want to go.

I don't know why it's anything to do with his mother!

oranotherstickybun · 01/05/2013 13:11

Personally, YANBU!
At 7 months preggers, I wld expect the father to be considerate to you and his unborn babe! I agree you can't stop an adult from doing anything, but I'm totally with you re money spent on himself should go towards new person in house! His mum has no right to interfere so although it's supposedly his "last chance " (what about yours!) I doubt it will be! My dh still manages to fit in an annual lads ski long weekend plus other treats with the lads (not that frequently I have to admit but it still happens, and always has ever since my 2 were babies.) (They are now 9 and 13.). It's not worth having a huge row if he will just stay home making you feel guilty! So I usually go along with it! You'll have to make him aware that he'll have to come back ASAP if there's an emergency! Any chance of his mum helping you out when he's away?

DontmindifIdo · 01/05/2013 13:14

Can you afford it? If so, tell him to go, with the cavet if you are struggling, with bad hips or ill, he'll cancel going without whinging or sulking.

Also, when i say "can you afford it?" that means - can you afford it and still afford both the time off and money for a family holiday earlier in the summer. Do'nt let him cancel having a family holiday so he can have a lads one.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it, so no whinging.

Catlike · 01/05/2013 13:14

The ship of 'lads holidays' has sailed. He missed the boat. Lads/girls holidays are about drinking and pulling

What is the point of going if you can't pull and realistically once pissed temptation is much harder to resist.

Yep, totally agree. I used to work in a holiday resort on the med and saw SO many all male groups where some of them had partners at home. They nearly always cheated on their partners and, depressingly, this was usually with the encouragement of their friends. In fact, I'd go as far as to say there was actual peer pressure to cheat because pulling and getting pissed was what the lads holiday was all about.

Callisto · 01/05/2013 13:15

You're only 7 months pregnant. It's not like you're dying or anything. You can't stop him going and using your pregnancy as an excuse is a bit pathetic imo.

However, I would not have a baby with a man that wanted to do 'lads holidays' so I don't think yabu to want him to grow up a bit.

valiumredhead · 01/05/2013 13:20

callisto Pathetic to want some help from your partner when you are pregnant and need some help/support? Using pregnancy as an excuse when the OP has said they can't afford it.

Nothing wrong with holidays apart as long as the funds are there and everyone is happy about it.

Callisto · 01/05/2013 13:23

The OP mentioned the 7 months thing several times, the money seems secondary.

Squitten · 01/05/2013 13:26

Finance would be the important aspect for me. If you are skint and need the money to get stuff for the baby, then YANBU.

If, however, this is really about you being pregnant, I think that's a bit unreasonable. It's only a weekend.