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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop DP going on lads holiday???

368 replies

MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 12:49

DP and I are in our twenties, and I am 13+5 pregnant, due in November. His friends have decided to book a weeks holiday end of August, start of Sept... DP asked if I would mind him going and I said yes as il be 7months gone I have DS to previous relationship so will need the help and money etc... He got upset etc and made me feel exceptionally guilty. So me being me said he should go for a long weekend and come home before his friends, stay 3nights, that way we are both happy! His mother advised us "he should go as it will be his last" and he keeps repeating that now complaining after agreeing to the long weekend he wants to go for the week!

First of all I will be 7months, I have DS I need help with and the money would benefit the baby, flights and accommodation are costing £300 and spending money, well, at least 2weeks wages! We are far from flush!

AIBUR????

Please tell me I'm not insane? Shock

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 01/05/2013 14:41

And I asked the question to see which of those things was the biggest issue, as none of your earlier posts made it clear.

That's all.

TSSDNCOP · 01/05/2013 14:42

If the holiday is overseas there probably won't be that much difference between the costs of a few days vs. the entire week TBH.

It feels a lot like you've got bigger problems regarding priorities than a lads holiday.

FWIW DH and I often holiday apart, but that's a mutual arrangement vs. one person getting their cake.

Original poster
MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 14:42

Yes money is valid as i keep stressing that along with the pregnancy for me PERSONALLY makes the holiday inappropriate.

OP posts:
ChaoticTranquility · 01/05/2013 14:43

People have also told the OP that she is NBU.

Money may not be the only reason but it is an important one. He needs to grow up, accept that he has other commitments and stop running to mummy when he doesn't like the way something is going.

DamnBamboo · 01/05/2013 14:45

I understand OP, I really do but you've asked for opinions, you got them.

If you can't afford it, then it's reason enough.

I don't feel the pregnancy has any bearing on it, that's my view.

However, I can't believe a previous poster intimated that there is some kind of lack of commitment from your DP because he is considering going.

A bit Shock at that.

pumpkinsweetie · 01/05/2013 14:48

I didn't say anywhere in my post that from 7months people must be preparing everyday, what i did say is that is what ops dp should be putting first before his lads holiday.
I cant believe some people think its acceptable to go off for a week and leave their partner lumbered with everything, it isn't fair or very grown up behaviour.

If there wasn't a pregnancy, a child and money factors involved then sure couples should still have separate breaks if they both get a chance to have a week away each, but ops dp is a single or no child couple, he is a man with a stepson and a heavily pregnant dp to think of. If op isn't high on his list before a lads hol, then what is?

LazyMonkeyButler · 01/05/2013 14:50

Lads' holidays are totally about "pulling" and drinking of course BUT so is the pub on a Friday or Saturday night if you have the kind of friends who will pressure you to do so. If that were your only concern, I'd say you have to trust him, as you do on lads' nights out. that is totally contradictory and nonsense.

Erm, no it isn't seriouscakeeater, no it isn't. I'm not wasting my energy rewording what I posted though as OP's issues are clearly with money & being in the late stages of pregnancy (which I totally agree with, as I said) not with trusting her DP.

DamnBamboo · 01/05/2013 14:53

I cant believe some people think its acceptable to go off for a week and leave their partner lumbered with everything, it isn't fair or very grown up behaviour

What on earth are you on about? Lumbered with what exactly? It's a bloody week, not six months.

Are you saying that no couple with children, can ever be apart again?

Bowlersarm · 01/05/2013 14:54

pumpkin it is for a week. How is that lumbering the OP 'with everything'? Is that the only week where baby-related things can get done?

seriouscakeeater · 01/05/2013 15:15

lazy so are you saying that all men and woman cheat when they go out on there own? Grin ha ha ha you must have known done shitty men!

wildspinning · 01/05/2013 15:22

OP I agree with you 100% and also think many people have been unnecessarily dismissive/rude.

You have stated May I add I would never be given 1500 and told to take a week off from family life. That is a guarantee.

Therefore he should not go. A relationship should be equal. If he wants to go on a week away, you should also be able to do it. If he goes for a weekend then you should also have a weekend away - no questions asked.

FWIW I don't think it's right that you feel you are "given" money for personal things anyway. IMO an equal relationship means sharing everything including all money.

He needs to grow up and be a family man. Also, ignore the toxic MIL.

Ledkr · 01/05/2013 15:38

I'd be a bit concerned if dh wanted to do this tbh. We did our single stuff before we met and now we prefer to do stuff as a family or together when we have time off and money. We have nice holidays, weekends away and nights out together. We both have different friends and see them lots too but the reason we got married is because we get on and like each others company and doing new things together.
We do have a laugh though and aren't the type of couple who sit there on holiday not talking for hours Grin

DidyouseeEthel · 01/05/2013 15:44

Damnbamboo - can't you see that being pregnant is the reason that money is tight? Why do you want to separate the pregnancy issue from the money issue?

pumpkinsweetie · 01/05/2013 16:15

No-one in rl i know takes holidays like this now they have their own families.
It is selfish, pure & simple.

mrsjay · 01/05/2013 16:18

you can not allow or disallow and adult to do anything I know you are pregnant but really is it such a hardship that he goes away ? i would wave my dh off if he wanted to do something like that

mrsjay · 01/05/2013 16:19

but if you cant afford it then it would have to be a no we cant afford it , it is selfish to take money out of the family budget

StuntGirl · 01/05/2013 16:29

I think one family member choosing to do something for their benefit only, which takes time and money away from the family, is selfish and childish. Whether thats a holiday, a hobby, whatever.

And you've clearly said that financially the holiday is not viable. Therefore he needs to put his family before himself. That's just how it is I'm afraid.

BlahBlahBlahhh · 01/05/2013 16:31

Am about to go out but just scanned your thread. As others have said, you don't really have the right to 'allow' your other half to go away. It's a slippery slope if this early on in your relationship and before your baby is born you are becoming a dictator...it will soon become tiresome and you will cause rifts. You will become known as a nag. I know this all sounds a bit harsh but have seen the way friends relationships have deteriorated over this kind of thing. Let him have his holiday before you have your baby and don't be resentful, you will have a stronger partnership if you give each other the freedom. Maybe next year once little one is a few months old and family life is settled you could go away for a break with your friends....start saving now ! Wink

Bowlersarm · 01/05/2013 16:36

no-one in rl i know takes holidays like this now they have their own families

We must live in different worlds pumpkin, unless it's an age thing. We and a lot of our friends, -we are in our 40's and our friends are mainly 30's/40's,- have holidays with same gender friends. I've just had a weeks ski ing with friends. And i'm going on a long weekend in France with female friends. DH is planning a cycling trip with some of his friends abroad in September. I just don't get what's wrong with going away other than with the family.

If OP's DP can't afford it, in her opinion, then that's a different matter. It comes down to selfishness. However, to say that it just shouldn't be done at all is a bit odd, to me.

seriouscakeeater · 01/05/2013 16:51

us too bowlersam ! I go for a weekend end in Portugal with ladies and DH to Vagas with there husbands. We also have a family holiday. Life doesn't end when you get married and have kids jeez!

blahblah the problem with scanning threads is that you don't actually know what your talking about... The OP has never said he is never^ allowed to go away with friends, its just the timing this time its pretty shit! They cant afford it and she needs his support.

Original poster
MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 17:00

Seriouscakeeater your right - blahblah shouldnt scan the thread then have an input on something that is not being disputed...

My DP as i have previously said went to Ibiza and Tenerife last year a week at each time and a weekend down south playing bowls and drinking beer without me questioning it, so I am not a paranoid controlling partner, it is just money worries and timing....

OP posts:
Oblomov · 01/05/2013 17:15

I think he should be allowed to go.
You are only 7 mths pg and a long long way of needing him to be close re possible birth.
I totally disgaree with the thing about it being drinking and shagging.
I go out my my female freinds and dh goes out with his freinds. Both for a night, locally and for a wekend every now and then.
And yes i like a drink, but this whole notion that you have to sleep with someone is utter nonsense. I NEVER have. Not even come close.
This whole thread is OTT.
I would encourage my dh to go. He would have a fab time. And after baby is born finances and the fact you have a baby, mean, like his mother says, this opportunity will not arise again, for some time.
I totally encourage him to go.

Original poster
MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 17:23

Oblomov I think your reply is OTT tbh. My issue is not with trust it is with money and the timing, not just one or the other but a multiple of things! And the fact that I won't be give 1500 and told to take a week off.... Please read all the other posts before passing judgement as your comment is irrelevant to my question.

Yes people have commented about cheating etc but I for one have not. As I said I trust him!

OP posts:
GoingUpInTheWorld · 01/05/2013 17:23

Theres no way i would of coped without my dh when i was 7 months pregnant with our first child.

I had terrible spd from 8 weeks pregnant, by 5 months pregnant, dh had to put my socks and shoes on, we had to get a cleaner and an ironing lady. Walking to the car from the front door was terrible, i couldnt even get in and out of dhs van!!!

And i did not have any other children to look after, i dont know how i would of coped if i did.

So you can be incapacitated when pregnant regardless of how far gone you are.

Theres no way my dh would be going.

Oblomov · 01/05/2013 17:24

Depends what your relationship is like.

Is it a competition?

My realtionship with dh is not like this. I encourage to him to go out as often as possible. He does to me too. I hardly ever get invited, but when I am, dh would never dream of stopping me. And I would never DREAM of doing anything other than encouraging him to go, either.

"You spent £2.50 so I am allowed to too"

"Youcan't go out this week, you went out last week".
" Yeah, but I haven't been out for moinths. It just so happens I have 2 nights on consecutive weeks".

"I remember when spent £85 on xxx without asking"
"That give me the entitlement to spent £xxx on xxx."

Hmm
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