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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop DP going on lads holiday???

368 replies

MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 12:49

DP and I are in our twenties, and I am 13+5 pregnant, due in November. His friends have decided to book a weeks holiday end of August, start of Sept... DP asked if I would mind him going and I said yes as il be 7months gone I have DS to previous relationship so will need the help and money etc... He got upset etc and made me feel exceptionally guilty. So me being me said he should go for a long weekend and come home before his friends, stay 3nights, that way we are both happy! His mother advised us "he should go as it will be his last" and he keeps repeating that now complaining after agreeing to the long weekend he wants to go for the week!

First of all I will be 7months, I have DS I need help with and the money would benefit the baby, flights and accommodation are costing £300 and spending money, well, at least 2weeks wages! We are far from flush!

AIBUR????

Please tell me I'm not insane? Shock

OP posts:
LazyMonkeyButler · 01/05/2013 14:16

YANBU if you can't afford the holiday. Will you be able to afford a holiday for yourself, DP & DS this summer? Even if it's just a long weekend camping? If not, then your DP shouldn't even be considering this lads' holiday as his family should be coming first now.

However, if you are having a family holiday and he is sure that he can actually afford the costs involved AND provide everything the baby needs then I probably wouldn't stop him TBH. As an adult, he has to make his own decisions and having another person make them for him generally leads to resentment IME.

Lads' holidays are totally about "pulling" and drinking of course BUT so is the pub on a Friday or Saturday night if you have the kind of friends who will pressure you to do so. If that were your only concern, I'd say you have to trust him, as you do on lads' nights out.

Just out of interest, how long have you been a couple? Has DP had other opportunities to go on lads' holidays in the past, whilst living with you & DS? Or is he going quickly from being young, free & single to being in a proper family setting with a baby on the way? It doesn't change the outcome (i.e. whether he should go or not) but it might explain his feelings about it all a bit.

Original poster
MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 14:17

Lol seriouscakeeater! Completely agree Smile I need to grow balls I think...

OP posts:
chrome100 · 01/05/2013 14:20

Why on earth are lads and girls holidays about pulling? DP and I go on holiday separately with our respective friends every year; I am going cycling round France with my female friends, he's going to get shit faced with the men in Poland. We are perfectly capable of going away without suddenly feeling the need to cheat on each otehr.

Original poster
MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 14:21

Lazymonkey - we have been together 2.5 years he went to Ibiza and Tenerife last year along with a bowling weekend popped in too... Same as every year, so not like I've stopped him in the past. Circumstances have chsnged now

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 01/05/2013 14:24

In the nicest way possible, sort yourself out!

Really, you're pregnant, not bloody dying.

Bowlersarm · 01/05/2013 14:24

He should go, as long as you are feeling fit and healthy nearer the time.

I cannot believe how any people are saying holidays away with a group of friends should be stopped immediately you are a couple or have a family. What's all that about? It shows absolutely no trust in your partner, and therefore maybe you shouldn't be with them in the first place.

pumpkinsweetie · 01/05/2013 14:25

Yanbu, i think him wanting to go on this holiday is childish and selfish.
He wants to act like youngster and have the perks of a single person, such as holidays with mates.
If he wants to do things like this, he should have thought before he committed to you by laying down and making a baby.

I find it rather unfair that your pregnancy hinders you, but not him! He should be at home with you helping you prepare for baby and helping you out.
And is sounds as though this holiday will rip a huge chunk of money from you both, it sounds unaffordable to you as a couple.

I'm not against men or woman having stag weekends or nights out, but a whole weeks holiday should be reserved for his own family, or with family and friends. He needs to grow up, and take a reality check that now he is having a family, he needs to put them first.

DamnBamboo · 01/05/2013 14:25

What is your biggest problem. The fact that you are pregnant, or the money.

Original poster
MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 14:26

Damn bamboo if you read the comments properly you would see MONEY

I can't stand rude people commenting at all... In the nicest way possible

OP posts:
Katnisscupcake · 01/05/2013 14:27

YABalittleU

What if he was having to go away with work?

My DH had to go away on a course to Israel when I was 8 months PG. I didn't have another child but did have a rather boisterous labrador! Grin

But other than Mum popping over to help me walk the dog (I was huge) and keep an eye on me because I had insulin dependent GD which kept causing me hypos near the end, I just had to get on with it.

It was worse when DD was 6 weeks old and he had to go to Barcelona for 2 weeks!!

CherylTrole · 01/05/2013 14:29

Oh and YADNBU.
7mths is in fact a crucial time in pregnancy with the baby developement.

pumpkinsweetie · 01/05/2013 14:29

I don't think it is a trust issue bowler, but i believe commitment should come from both sides.
If you have a family and one can swan off on holiday whilst the other one has to take full responsibility for children/pregnancy, it is just plain unfair and basically shows how uncommitted the other person really is, whether that be a man or a woman.

DamnBamboo · 01/05/2013 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

seriouscakeeater · 01/05/2013 14:30

Lads' holidays are totally about "pulling" and drinking of course BUT so is the pub on a Friday or Saturday night if you have the kind of friends who will pressure you to do so. If that were your only concern, I'd say you have to trust him, as you do on lads' nights out. that is totally contradictory and nonsense.

Op I can understand the compromise of a weekend but really he needs to be home with you. Good point about the family holiday though? Have one booked, can u afford one? As if you can't his little trip is well and truly out of window!

Don't bother with the unsupportive posts you all ways get a few a- holes trying to make you feel worse! (Usually about how fantastically cool/independent they are) Wink
My friends fella used the " but I won't get chance to go when baby is here" excuse, he just found another when baby was here!

EuroShaggleton · 01/05/2013 14:31

"I can't stand rude people commenting at all..."

Well maybe AIBU was the wrong place for this thread then? The views expressed here tend to pull no punches.

Getting back to the OP, if you really can't afford it then he shouldn't be going. The pregnancy is irrelevant, IMO. Personally I would encourage my OH to do something like this in your circs, and I have friends who have done similar. In fact, I accompanied one friend to her NCT class because her husband was off on a stag do - that she had very much encouraged him to go on.

loofet · 01/05/2013 14:31

Yanbu.

What would happen if he booked it which I gather will be a couple of months in advance? And then come the time of the holiday you have, say, SPD and are physically unable to even walk? There's always a chance! I know for most pregnancy isn't an ailment but for some it very much becomes one! Or you could, for whatever reason, be put on bed rest. Then he'll have wasted £300+... I only say it because I had no SPD with my first two and suddenly at 7 months with my third I was dragging myself around on my hands and knees! Always a possibility..

Also I think its irresponsible to leave your heavily pregnant partner miles away through choice anyway. There's always the risk of you going into prem labour. Plus I agree with others saying 'lads/girly' hols are for singletons with no responsibilities. He needs to grow up now and realise that isn't his life anymore, he sacrificed that when he chose to settle down imo.

And you don't seem to have the money for it anyway so it all round seems to be a bad idea and I second what another poster said- he shouldn't want to go and leave you alone in that sort of position.

Original poster
MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 14:31

Katniss - work I feel is different it would be benefiting the family and not cutting 1500 out of our money. As I am led to believe work trips are paid for by work, no?

Thank you for your opinion

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 01/05/2013 14:32

Getting back to the OP, if you really can't afford it then he shouldn't be going. The pregnancy is irrelevant, IMO

^
This

Catlike · 01/05/2013 14:34

chrome in my experience (already mentioned I used to work in a holiday resort abroad), women only holidays that revolve around drinking rather than healthy pursuits like cycling to tend to have a strong focus on getting male attention and pulling. Exactly like the lads holidays. But all female groups don't seem to go out of their way to encourage and pressurise the ladies who are attached, to cheat on their partners the way that all male groups do.

Xroads · 01/05/2013 14:35

When our dc's were young (in your situation) I wouldn't be happy but now a days dd's are older and I'd be fine with it as long as he didn't spend a fortune and vice versa.

pumpkinsweetie · 01/05/2013 14:35

Work is different and totally unavoidable but a holiday with the lads is unimportant and he should be with op whilst she prepares for the baby he helped make.
Its a time when he should be decorating the nursery with op, helping put up the cot, pushchair, helping out with ops young ds not getting smashed abroad with his friends. He needs to be responsible for a life he helped create, if op was to go into premature labour or have spd she will need him at her side.

Original poster
MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 14:37

DamnBamboo

If is clearly not the money then why ask the bloody question??????????

It is the money, otherwise why would I complain about money? Lol

Being 7months preg is a valid reason as to why I don't think it's advisable for him to go along with 1500.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 01/05/2013 14:38

I just don't get this.

Do couples spend every day of a pregnancy, preparing for their baby? So from 7 months, it's lockdown until D-day?

Whose to say all those things won't get done anyway, but just not during that week.

DamnBamboo · 01/05/2013 14:40

Being 7months preg is a valid reason as to why I don't think it's advisable for him to go

and I disagree, as do lots of others.

The money reason is far more valid.

seriouscakeeater · 01/05/2013 14:41

My dh declined going to India through work , he should have been going around now. Being here for the birth of his child out weighs any thing.

Actually shocked that some people think that when you have children you sacrifice any social life and all boy/girls holidays are just for coping off though??? Wow I'm glad me and dh don't live in that world! Clearly grown adults are not to be trusted Confused

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