DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

[BetteDavis01]

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.

AIBU?

Why would you expect the same? Do you parents spent the same on your dp as they do on you?

Sorry, the other point is do you combine your finances or keep them separate?

YANBU. But there may be more to it.

Is he usually secretive about cash or other things?

If not maybe it's for something special for the family?

I don't expect the same but I don't like the fact that he hasn't told me. It's the secrecy.

I dont think the OP is saying she wants the same....just that it would have been nice if he'd told her that he'd got that amount!

Bisjo, OP has said she does not expect the same. "Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me."

No. I mean its his gift so he can do what he likes with it, but youd expect a wow, look what my dad did.
But perhaps he doesn't want to tell you cos he feels guilty feels bad that his dad gave him such a fab gift and not the family as a whole?
Why don't you ask him what he's planning to do with his christmas money.

Do you combine Finances?

Why did you feel it was ok to search through his things?

What is the problem really?
You knew he got a cheque. The amount isn't important really.
Will he be demanding that you spend some of your money on him?
Do you normally go snooping through his stuff, if so why?

She clearly said she didn't expect the same, just that she was upset that he hadn't told her.

Is that a normal amount for DP to be given or does it seem excessive?

Could he have been owed it?

Maybe DP just wants to have a think about what he wants to do with it before you have your say.

I think in healthy relationship money is pooled for the family. Why can't you just ask him about the cheque in order to clear the air if it's concerning you. See what he has to say. If he doesn't admit to the 1,000 then something to be worried about.

Has there been an opportunity for your DP to tell you?

How have you treated other windfalls? How would you expect to spend your £100?

In my relationship an individual windfall of up to £20-£30 would be happily spent individually. Above that we would tend to see it as family money.

I suppose what I am trying to get to is what is normal for your relationship?

Of course its the secrecy, that would bother me to!

do you share finances? i would ask him how much the cheque from his dad was for and does he have any ideas what he's going to spend it on. £100 in cash is very generous.

I admit I'm a nosey cow! When I remarked at how generous his DF had been to me and the DC's, he looked uncomfortable and it made me suspicious, so I started having a poke around.

We have a joint account, plus our own personal accounts so I shall have to wait and see if he pays it in.....

Of course its the secrecy, that would bother me to!

I don't see how people can moan about secrecy whilst snooping through their dps things.

Could he have just forgotten to mention it? My dh could easily forget that he hadn't discussed it with me. Memory like a sieve. Why didn't you just ask him instead of being sneaky?

Nope, he's got a very sharp memory. This is deliberate.

Yes I think it's deceitful, why didn't he just say, wow look what df gave me.
He should want to share, not hide it away.

You went nosing through his stuff? Why would you do that? You have a nerve being pissed off with him when you have invaded his privacy like that.

Why don't you just ask him?

In our family, both sets of parents treat dh and me exactly the same. And our finances are pooled. I would be really upset if dh had received that amount without telling me and he would too if in reverse. So to me, not u at all to feel upset. It dies depend on the circumstances and the financial state of the family. £1000 would be huge to us-and given that we'd not bought presents for us just the DC and our shoes and jeans are pretty worn out that would make it even worse. But over friends who have separate finances and healthier bank accounts might not care as much. And if you were worse off than us (who consider ourselves comfortable but with limited disposable income) it might be a deal breaker.

I don't know

perhaps he feels a bit awkward and is trying to find a way to tell you of his windfall

poking through his stuff is a bit off though, I wouldn't like it if my DH leafed through my particulars without permission

why suspicious? that kinda implies trust-type issues, no?

Double standards. Its ok for him to not say how much the cheque was for, but it is totally fine for you to snoop.
I get given cash and cheques. This is mine to spend how I wish. My partner respects me enough to not question the amount nor snoop. I would be very fucked off if I found out that he had been snooping. I am entitled to some privacy in my relationship.