Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

238 replies

BetteDavis01 · 28/12/2012 21:22

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 15:17

"i'd give it to the kids.. or are you also in the habit of taking their stuff to sell to benefit yourself too..."

:o

Wow, you think a parent selling something valuable to make sure their children don't go hungry is "taking stuff to benefit themselves"?

Have you ever met any humans that like other humans?

Keep all your precious money to yourself.

I'm sure it will make you very happy.

ilovesooty · 30/12/2012 15:19

I wonder if it would even have been an issue if the results of the OP's snooping had revealed the information that the cheque was for the same amount that she got in cash? She snooped as far as I can see because she expected it to be for more, so the fact that she took this course of action rather than ask him speaks volumes to me about their communication issues.

And I'm of the opinion that if it was a gift, rather than money earned or won, it's his to spend as he wishes, provided the family isn't in financial difficulties.

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 15:21

Chipping - I think it's more to do with the fact this was a personal Christmas present.

If I got Chanel No 5 perfume for Christmas would i ensure every member of the family had to share it with me. No, of course not - but evidently a cash amount is different in some people's view.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2012 15:21

I don't agree that parents need to give their children and their children's partners the same amount. Yes they are part of the family, but they are not your son or daughter in the same way. Lovely gifts - of course, the same value - not essential at all.

happyinherts - jealousy? What a weird thing to say.

skullcandy · 30/12/2012 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2012 15:22

Yes - a large amount of money is different, to deny that fact is ridiculous.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2012 15:24

But then, if I was given a box of chocolates for christmas I'd share - I wouldn't sit there and eat the lot without offering them around. It doesn't mean I feel they belong to the family though.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2012 15:25

I would also be fine with eating them on my own if I was home alone or the kids were in bed Xmas Grin

Horsemad · 30/12/2012 15:25

Well happyinherts that is exactly how the GC are treated in this family. All get exactly the same amount whether the grown up children have spouses or cohabit and the GC get the same amount for Xmas & birthdays.

All I can say is I'm glad my kids' spouses/partners will have me & DH for inlaws!
At least they will be treated equally Smile

strumpetpumpkin · 30/12/2012 15:26

i think its incredibly generous that they gave you £100 and none of your business what they gave him. Dps grandparents give him a cheque each time we go to visit. he doesn't mention it or hide it, but they're not my gps and its meant for him. likewise if my parents give me money its nothing to do with dp. We don't pool our money and never have and probably never will

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 15:28

And would you expect the grandchildren's christmas money to be shared out? No, I didn't think so. It's personal.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 15:32

"If I got Chanel No 5 perfume for Christmas would i ensure every member of the family had to share it with me."

And if you got a nice Le Creuset casserole, I hope you would make your husband ask permission before using it.

Just imagine if he stole your individuality by putting some unwanted braising steak in a pot that was a present to only you, you, you.

Pantomimedam · 30/12/2012 15:33

Boney, I disagree. I'm entitled to disagree with you. Don't be so bossy!

Horsemad · 30/12/2012 15:33

happyinherts we ALL get the same amount so no sharing is needed Smile.

It is totally alien to me that my parents & inlaws would treat any of us differently.

SaraBellumHertz · 30/12/2012 15:36

Really surprised at the comments on this thread Shock

I received a large sum of money recently and it wouldn't have occurred to me not to tell DH. As far as I was concerned it was family money and that's how it was spent, on the family.

If DH in a similar position hid a sum of money from me I'd be appalled, but fortunately I'm married to a generous, livy man who would put the needs of our DC and me before himself without hesitation

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 15:37

My husband wouldnt dream of touching kitchen utensils - he hasn't learnt where they are yet but that's a totally different matter !

Fact is we decide what we do with gifts, share, keep to oneself, discuss. Nothing should be expected. You should never be expected to share one's personal Christmas present. If you do, fair enough, but a Christmas gift is personal.

And Horse okay so everyone gets the same amount but would you want your grandchildren's money to be used communally for the benefit of all the family or just for them personally to choose what to do with. There is a difference there.

Horsemad · 30/12/2012 15:41

It would be their money to do with as they please happyinherts.

BUT, my point is that if everyone receives the same amount there is no huge disparity to cause friction or ill feeling.

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 15:42

There wouldnt be any friction or ill feeling if everyone could accept the fact that it isnt anyone else's business who gives what to whom

XiCi · 30/12/2012 15:43

I havent trawled through all 9 pages but my initial thought is that I cant believe people are on relationships, live together, have kids etc yet arent comfortable enough to ask a really basic question like 'what did your dad give you for Xmas'. Thats a bit sad!

XiCi · 30/12/2012 15:44

in relationships

Binkybix · 30/12/2012 15:53

Sleigh. You seem so judgemental about how other people arrange their money and what it says about their relationship.

Of course I wouldn't care if he used my bowl, whether it was given as a gift or I brought it with gift money. What I would care about (and he would too) is if I was obliged to buy something that we both wanted, or to request a gift that we both wanted rather than something I myself wanted.

If every occasion where money is spent needs to be a joint decision, then I would feel stifled. I'm not saying you have to feel that way, but you seem very angry about people who look at things in a different way.

skullcandy · 30/12/2012 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieMaggie · 30/12/2012 16:05

What I think is more weird is that the OP has known about it since Christmas Day and posted here about two days ago but still hasn't spoken to her DH about it... I think that says more about their relationship than anything!

cricketballs · 30/12/2012 16:18

I was gifted £1000 by my patents last year for no reason other than they felt guilty that they had been helping out my ds and I hadn't received anything no matter my objections they would not return it and insisted I was given it my dh never even considered that I used it for the 'family pot' even though we share all monies, I.e. both wages get paid into the same account and we don't have seperate accounts so all spending is from this one joint account.

I treated myself to little things that I couldn't normally afford and neither dh or I thought nothing of it. Similarly, dh has just received a small inheritance and at no point do I expect this to be added to family money, it was left to him, not us.

I agree with the many posters that have said it was a personal gift from a parent to their child and so not up for automatic family money

Bogeyface · 30/12/2012 16:25

I wouldnt assume it was family money either if DH was given some (as he was recently, I mentioned it in a pp), it would be the fact that he didnt mention it and wouldnt talk about it that would bother me.

I would tell him if I had some money given to me and he has told me about the gift he recently got. It was spent on a new computer for the family, he bought himself a new phone and the rest went on paying the bills as a couple of weeks later he lost his job!

Swipe left for the next trending thread