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AIBU?

DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

238 replies

BetteDavis01 · 28/12/2012 21:22

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

thegreylady · 29/12/2012 16:53

I'd just ask him how much he got or even tell him you saw it and ask what he will spend it on.Say "Wow your Dad was very generous this year.How will you treat yourself with £1000?"

okaynowitstheseason · 29/12/2012 16:53

I thought the advice on here was generally to leave overbearing controlling partners who think nothing of demanding your money?

Or do women get a free pass for that sort of behaviour?

thebody · 29/12/2012 16:55

Lots of different relationship dynamics on here amongst posters so really interesting.

For us ( ANC I guess that says it all really me and dh are us not him and me) we share everything. Money, chores, child care everything.

My dh on receiving a gift like this would be A gob smacked and then B tell me immediately and we would spend it in the house/ family.

Hemlet · 29/12/2012 23:30

I've not read the whole thread, but I know if my husband was given a large cheque I'd find it vulgar to whisper/exclaim about the amount while the giver was still there. Was he really being secretive or just waiting until there was a more appropriate time to discuss it?

BetteDavis01 · 29/12/2012 23:57

Thanks for all your messages, some helpful, some downright nasty!

We've been together 5 years and two DC's. His DF, has a very old fashioned attitude towards money. DP's late DM never knew what DP'S Dad used to earn, just to give you an idea.

OP posts:

thenightsky · 30/12/2012 00:01

Perhaps he doesn't intent to cash it. I know my mum has given me cheques of that same amount which I've just kept quiet about and shredded.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 30/12/2012 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 30/12/2012 08:31

So have you asked him yet? Honestly, best you do rahter than secretly seeth. You are assuming he'll lie without even bothering to check if he will actually tell you if you ask.

Isityouorme · 30/12/2012 08:36

So he still hasn't told you about the £1k? Not very family orientated is he? I think it is very odd.

KittyFane1 · 30/12/2012 08:57

YANBU. Squirrelling money away when you are a couple who usually share everything that is in the 'pot' is wrong.

fuzzpig · 30/12/2012 09:12

It doesn't sound like he had much chance to tell you before you looked. Does he know that you looked? If not, why not just ask him "how much was the cheque for" and see what he says?

wannaBe · 30/12/2012 09:12

why is a gift of money different to a material gift?

Me and dh always had joint finance and i have never got the "his money, my money" thing that exists within couples.

But if someone bought someone a gift that cost £1000 no-one would bat an eyelid at that (well people would say it was extravagant but there wouldn't be judgements). But someone gives £1000 as a gift, and suddenly it should become part of the joint finances? why? It's Christmas. A father has the right to give a gift of money to his son, and as it's his christmas present there is IMO no obligation to make it part of the family finances.

And snooping is out of order on every conceiveable level. If you make a habit of spying on your dp then it's no wonder that he's secretive.

LaLaGabby · 30/12/2012 09:18

'Do you have shared finances' is missing the point a bit I think.

They have a shared CHILD. This implies a joint financial responsibility for the family and the household, regardless of what bank accounts you have. Unless you are both millionaires there is no way that DP should keep that sum of money without at least discussing it with you.

LaLaGabby · 30/12/2012 09:20

CHILDREN obv.

KittyFane1 · 30/12/2012 09:22

There are so many virtuous people on this thread.
I wonder how many really would not look!

wannaBe · 30/12/2012 09:26

why? it was a gift. Not a random gift but his christmas present.

If someone gives your children money for their birthdays do you incorporate that into the family finance?

If someone gives you gift vouchers do you feel they are for the family even though they are given to you specifically? Even if say, for your birthday?

If someone buys you a box of chocolates do you feel that they are the family box of chocolates and not yours?

I get that people are in financial difficulties. But a gift is a gift. It's not a case of a gift being a gift unless it's money in which case it's part of the family finances. It shouldn't work like that.

If the dad was giving the dp random sums of money on an ad-hoc basis then yes, I would see the issue. But it was his Christmas present. The op has no right or entitlement to it, in the same way the dp has no entitlement to a part of her £100 or the children's money for that matter.

lollilou · 30/12/2012 09:35

Well I think some of you are being a bit harsh on the op. She's not saying that he should spend the money on her or the family. She is upset because he is keeping it a secret and I would be too. If you put yourself in her husbands shoes would you really take a cheque from your parents in front of your dh and then hide it and say nothing? That is odd to me.
My advice would be to just mention it in a lighthearted way and then if he fesses up have a nice conversation about what he was going to spend it on, of course I would hope some would be spent on the family but I know my dh would love to get something for his hobby.

LaLaGabby · 30/12/2012 09:44

If someone gives your children money for their birthdays do you incorporate that into the family finance?
No. Why not? Because children are not responsible for the family finances. Both parents are though.

If someone gives you gift vouchers do you feel they are for the family even though they are given to you specifically? Even if say, for your birthday?
Depends on how much, what for and how broke we are. £50+ of M&S vouchers when we are short will mean the recipient suggests getting food, the other partner suggesting the recipient gets something for themselves and the rest on food. £15 voucher for Lush or Maplin electronics? Of course not shared.

If someone buys you a box of chocolates do you feel that they are the family box of chocolates and not yours?
Yes!

HTH

yohohoho · 30/12/2012 09:47

She is upset because he is keeping it a secret and I would be too.

How can she moan about bring secretive when she sneaks round and goes through his stuff. Then carrys on all annoyed, because he hasn't said anything. But neither has she.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 30/12/2012 09:51

Maybe his DF knows your DH has debts to clear or something, so is helping out?

Fwiw my little.nanna gave me £150 for christmas - first thing I did was tell.DH in amazement of her generosity!

2rebecca · 30/12/2012 09:52

re chocolates and vouchers i disagree with Lala. Yes I'll offer chocolates around but if it's a present for me then it's a present for me. I don't see why adult presents become "family" presents if they are vouchers or money.

2rebecca · 30/12/2012 09:55

I agree with those who say it's rude and vulgar to discuss how much the cheque was for on immediately opening it. I'd just have said "oh thank you that's very generous" and maybe discussed the amount later. My dad gave me a cheque and I don't think I've discussed the amount with my husband yet. It will go into the joint account though, but he did intend me to spend it on myself. It was for under £50 though so not the same thing.

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thebody · 30/12/2012 09:57

Yes wannabe if I or dh gets gift vouchers, money or chocolates they are shared with our family because that's how we operate as a family.

Kids of course keep own gifts but usually my kids would share cash with each other. Last year ds2 got a big amount of gf for his 21st and he took ds1 out in the town with him and friends.

I couldn't love a selfish secretive man child who squirrelled away birthday money for himself.

fortyplus · 30/12/2012 09:59

If the op has an open honest attitude to her relationship then I don't understand why she doesn't just ask him? This is being built up into something it's probably not. The guy would've hidden the cheque under the mattress if he wanted to keep the amount a secret! I'd be more bothered about the awkwardness/reluctance to ask him a simple question. 'Hey DP I see your dad gave you a cheque when the rest of us had cas - was it for a mega amount? Are we off to Florida for our holidays this year?! [joke]'

LaLaGabby · 30/12/2012 10:01

Did people who don't share things with their partners get married just for the nice photos?

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