DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

[BetteDavis01]

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.

AIBU?

[2rebecca]

I would have asked my husband outright how much he got rather than go snooping.
I would think of an amount of £1000 as a donation to the "family" though not an individual, but maybe not being married means his father didn't think of it as a family donation. On the other hand if his father chose to buy him something costing £1000 like an expensive cycle it wouldn't have been a family present so maybe as it's a Christmas gift the money is his and nothing to do with you. Maybe he felt if he told you the amount you'd resent it rather than be pleased he had that much money to spend on stuff.

[hatgirl]

perhaps he is planning to buy something nice for you (I notice he is DP and not DH)? He has informed DF of this and DF has given him more cash than usual to make it happen.

DP doesn't want you to know about the money as if you did know about it you would be wanting to spend it on the household stuff, and he wouldn't be able to say no without ruining the surprise.

Always look on the bright side secrecy isn't always bad you know people!

Do you know what amounts he has got in previous years? If this is unusually large and DP hasn't reacted in surprise maybe it is because he knew it was coming and as suggested above there is a good reason?

[Mosman]

My DH would have held it up and gone wow what shall we spend it on there and then.

[Damash12]

I'd just ask him outright, no point in both of you being sneaky. It's the answer you get that should decide if there is a bigger issue here which I am likely to day there will be or why wouldn't he simply say wow look at this honey" ??? Mmmmm keep us updated ..,

[okaynowitstheseason]

Are you normally this controlling OP? If so, it might be a deposit for his escape fund.

[WelshMaenad]

My DH and I have separate bank accounts but aconmundl attitude up money, if that makes sense.

I was given £500 by my aunt at Christmas - a very one off gift, as she has given this amount to my cousin to help with a specific expense. It didn't occur to me that it was 'my' money, as far as I was concerned it was family money and is going towards next summer's holiday.

[inabeautifulplace]

It's his Christmas present. Sounds a bit awkward to me because it's significantly more than you got. The easiest thing to do would have been a big family gift for you all. However, is it fair that if his dad wants to treat him alone he could be pressured into sharing the money? I guess if you also share any big gifts then that would be fair. That has been the way in my family.

[smilingismyfavourite]

YANBU that is a huge amount of money to bring into a family and to not have it mentioned. Unless you find out it is for a secret something special I would be very very pissed off. If you have a family together and he gets £1000 out of the blue and fritters it away... words fail me.
I must have a very different relationship to other posters who have said that they think it is reasonable to not mention it. No, def not U at all.

[Bogeyface]

Snooping, invading privacy, looking through his stuff and then the piece de resistance Are you normally this controlling OP? If so, it might be a deposit for his escape fund.

She had a look at his Xmas presents ffs! She didnt go through his email, phone, cc bills and underpants!

I would be pissed off too because anything over £50 is a windfall and would draw comment. When DH's grandma grandma gave him a similar sum as in the OP recently he came home like this and said "what should we do with it?" He could have banked it and spent and I would never have known, but he didnt.

OP you might want to get this moved to Relationships, you will get a much more understanding response regarding "vibes" there!

[Bogeyface]

ooh two grandmas! IT was his grandma not his grannys grandma :o

[munchkinmaster]

Am I just odd? but if you have been together a long time, have kids etc I think it's weird you got a cheque each. I'd expect a joint cheque. Unless of course his dad knows that he needs money specifically for something and is trying to help him out. But if it's just a spontaneous gift i'd expect a couples gift

[MrsTerrysChocolateOrange]

IMO weird that he didn't mention it. FWIW, DH got a similar cheque from his DF for his birthday. I consider that 'his' money. He took me out to dinner with it but spent the rest on crap personal stuff. I would have been majorly pissed off if he had hidden it from me.

[yousmell]

1K would be a huge amount to us and would b spent on house things or spent through making joint decisions. Anything under 30 would be fine to squirrel away on your own.

But it depends, if you are loaded 1k might just be pennies?

[yousmell]

agree all you did was sneak a wee peek at the cheque, it's hardly the crime of the century!

[pigletmania]

Mabey he knew you would overreact. It was good you got £100. I am always recieving money from mum as she feels sorry for my stay at home mum situation. Dh has received money from his parents, I don't mind really

[milf90]

Do u think it might be for an engagement ring?

[williaminajetfighter]

Cut him some slack. My dad gives me money every bday and Xmas and while I am thrilled to get it I can't help but feel a little bit of shame that he is still pitching in and I'm 43.

Maybe your DP is embarrassed or feels in some way a failure in receiving this money and talking about it and telling you just incurs these feelings. People's egos can be easily bruised especially men.

[Isityouorme]

It's bizarre that he would not tell you the amount when DF left. I would just use hat money for family but it sounds like your DP will deposit it and say nothing, which if you are a family unit, is unacceptable. I think this whole ituation highlights that your relationship has problems. But YANBU.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Another double standards i see, frequent posts about women having a secret nest egg but go forbid a man have a seperate account.

I would imagine he feels embarrassed and doesnt want to accept it. Even £100 each to children and his sons girlfriend is very generous without the extra amount on top. It was wrong to snoop, would you like it if he snooped on you behind your back?

[Redstockingswillstopsanta]

Maybe £1,000 is wrong and it should say £100.

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

If things are tight are you sure that your dh hasn't been really struggling to provide everything you need as a family and has confided in his dad who has "helped" out so things can carry on as they have been carrying on. I'm going against the grain here, and I think blood is thicker than water and that it's not that unusual for a parent to give their own child more than the child's partner.

We have always had separate bank accounts - never a joint bank account. I have no idea what's in DH's at present and he has no idea what's in mine. When our dc were tiny (mid 90s) DH was playing the stockmarkets hard - I didn't know at that time he was doing it with 0% credit cards and raking the +ve balances into another account. I would have gone berserk if I had known but I was quietly pleased with him when he announced we were several thousand pounds up at the end of the year.

I know his mum gives him cheques here and there usually because similar amounts have gone to his sisters. I know my mum gives me the odd cheque. We have been together for 25 years and neither of us has every gone without due to the behaviour of the other. Both of us like to have some control over our own money. I wouldn't go out and spend more than a 1000 on something for the house without consulting and neither would he. But we certainly wouldn't consult over smaller day to day purchases.

[AuntieMaggie]

Have you asked him???

[Lueji]

Actually it was HIS gift.
What if it had been a 1000£ watch? Would you expect to share it around?

He's very much entitled to fritter it away on things for him, or to put it in the bank.

On the other hand, are you hard up for money?

Or, as someone suggested, maybe he has it earmarked for something.

Crazy thought. Why don't you ask him directly how much he got?

[ithaka]

YANBU, it would upset me as it would be so out of character for my husband not to say - 'yay - look what I got!' and we could have fun together deciding how to spend it.

It would be up to him how he spent it - it is his present, but he would want to share the fun and excitement of choosing with his family.