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AIBU?

DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

238 replies

BetteDavis01 · 28/12/2012 21:22

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.

AIBU?

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IShallCallYouSquishy · 30/12/2012 10:15

If my DH was given £1000 I would see it as his gift, his money. I have no issue with that whatsoever. It would be his to do what he wanted with. If I found out he was given £1000 and kept it a secret I'd be annoyed but only because he felt he needed to hide it. Luckily, as far as I'm aware, DH had never needed to hide money from me and vice versa.

There is a possibility that he could have asked to borrow some money and his father trying to be discreet gave it as a cheque at Christmas so it didn't draw attention?

thebody · 30/12/2012 10:21

Exactly LaLa.

thebody · 30/12/2012 10:22

Exactly LaLa.

tittytittyhanghang · 30/12/2012 10:31

YANBU, others have already said why.

Pantomimedam · 30/12/2012 10:41

Goodness, I can't imagine dh getting a cheque for £1,000 and not telling me. That is very strange behaviour for an established couple who have a family together. If I got a cheque for £1,000 I'd certainly tell him and we'd discuss what to do with it together!

AuntieMaggie · 30/12/2012 10:54

OP have you still not asked him about it?

Backtobedlam · 30/12/2012 10:56

We have seperate accounts and dh has recently been given a lot of money by his parents. He told me about it and gave a small sum to me so I had a bit extra for christmas but kept the rest. I'm happy with that, as he's very generous, when he has more money he pays for holidays, nights out etc. if I have more then I'll pay. However, if he hadnt told me I'd find that sneaky, and a bit underhand. If he has money problems, its a loan or something similar I'd have expected him to discuss it with me, there's no reason to keep it a secret. Those people saying the OP shouldn't have looked through his things, come on they're married. I'd have no problems with my dh looking through anything of mine as I have nothing to hide...I can only see it being a problem if you're hiding something.

fuzzpig · 30/12/2012 10:59

Same here panto, we share all money. If it was given specifically to one of us (as opposed to a general family gift which is what we tend to receive at Xmas) we would still discuss what to do with it together, even if we the larger portion of it went on the recipient. I think it depends how significant the money is to you though - to us a grand is fecking huge so there's no way we would fritter it all.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 11:02

"I couldn't love a selfish secretive man child who squirrelled away birthday money for himself."

Me neither.

I just can't imagine either of us being all "that's mine" about anything.

Binkybix · 30/12/2012 11:02

Lala - I find that insulting.

We have separate finances and did not get married for the photos. Just because people do things differently to you, doesn't make our marriage worth less than yours. It works well for us, and we're very happy.

Altough I can see that if we were struggling financially then it might be different in terms of sharing all money. As it is we earn almost exactly the same. Why should all money need to be shared because we're married? We're not the same person!

We will no doubt re-work our finances a bit when our first one is born, but I still can't imagine having to ask permission to spend a gift given to me. In fact, I'd think of my DH as very grabby if he expected it (even though I probably would share at least some of it in reality).

Binkybix · 30/12/2012 11:05

Although I do stand by the fact that it's odd not to tell your partner what you got - as odd as snooping around to find out rather than just asking!

2rebecca · 30/12/2012 11:17

I didn't get married for the photos (we didn't have a photographer), but I didn't lose my indviduality and become Mrs family member when I got married either. I am the main wage earner and we have joint accounts. If someone gets ME a gift be it money or a present it is still my gift though as I exist as an independent person as well as being a family member. Never having individual gifts and feeling all your stuff has to be communal sounds a bit miserable and martyrish to me.

skullcandy · 30/12/2012 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaLaGabby · 30/12/2012 11:21

Sorry Binky, I realized it was judgey as I clicked 'Post'.

But tbh, I genuinely don't get it... What is marriage about if not about sharing? Why wouldn't you want to share, except for one of you feeling that you would 'lose out'? Why would you get married in that situation?

Don't say "we got married as a sign of our love". Many unmarried people love each other... you could have got tattoos as a sign of your love.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 11:22

"Never having individual gifts and feeling all your stuff has to be communal sounds a bit miserable and martyrish to me."

No, it's not miserable at all.

Sharing all my worldly goods with the man I love seems natural and easy.

Thinking that my individuality can only be expressed through having my own stuff seems very adolescent to me.

Shit, my 4 year old is fine with her 2 year old sister playing with her presents as long as she doesn't break them.

LaLaGabby · 30/12/2012 11:22

Never having individual gifts and feeling all your stuff has to be communal
no-one has suggested this, ever.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 11:24

"i do not and would not be sharing any amount of money given to ME as a bday or xmas present by my family with my spouse."

I will be so ashamed if any of my children reach adulthood with such an ugly, selfish, childish attitude.

DontmindifIdo · 30/12/2012 11:25

It wouldn't occur to me that the money DH got for Christmas was equally mine to spend. In fact, the only people who gave my DH money this year was my parents (they find him impossible to buy for, they have a point), but that's his. It wasn't this amount, but the principle is the same. The £100 (massive amount, btw!) that FIL gave OP is hers to spend as she wishes, the money DP was given is also his to spend. Now, I would assume if he was going to buy something big for the house to consult me, but if he just wanted to put it in savings or buy lots of little things, I wouldn't think I would have a right to say "Actually, I want you to buy X with it instead"

OP - have you a) got round to asking him the value of the cheque yet and b) asked him what he'd like to spend your £100 from his dad on - or do you think it's not his choice?

FlojoHoHoHo · 30/12/2012 11:30

5 yrs and 2 DC should mean u can easily ask him how much it was for, then if he's evasive or lies, u have serious problems.

Binkybix · 30/12/2012 11:31

That's ok. But we do share lots of stuff - just not all of our money. You could equally say that you could share everything financially without getting married, so why bother to get married? Contrary to your last post, it does seem as though lots of people are saying that everything, including gifts should be shared.

I'm fine with other people wanting to pool everything, even though at this point I can't imagine wanting it for myself. It's good that it works for you. I just stand people thinking their marriage/partnership is more special. Because it isn't.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 11:31

It would never occur to me that a large sum of money given to me as a gift was MIIINE all MIIINE to be spent only on me.

I would want to use in the way that would be best for all of us.

DontmindifIdo · 30/12/2012 11:39

Also, is it the value that's the problem - if it was say £50, would you all think it was for the DP to buy himself a treat or should he put it in the commual pot?

Assuming the OP and her DP aren't in a bad financial position to have to spend all birthday/Christmas money on household bills/running, money gifts would come under the same heading as say, chocolate gifts. It would be nice if when DH opens the chocolates he was given at Christmas he would share them around, but I have no right to go open and eat them myself, they are his. If while I'm out he eats the lot, I have no right to complain.

It would be really kind and generous for him to say "actually, shall we get a new sofa/TV/pay for a holiday with my Christmas money for us all?" but if he wanted to say "I want to buy a new bike/some new suits/pay for gym membership for the year with it" then he's perfectly entitled to do that.

But as said, right now, the OP knows he got a cheque, she hasn't asked him how much for just snooped. She can't start a conversation at all about it until she asks him how much it was for.

If he lies, that's a different problem, but right now, he's not hidden the fact he's had a cheque, hasn't hidden the cheque itself and just not discussed it at all - I would say he's not really done anything wrong, although you might think the OP's FIL has done something wrong by giving a massively different value gift to his DS compared to his DIL. (I also have no problem with that, PIL spend far more on DH than they do on me)

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Binkybix · 30/12/2012 11:43

Good for you. What makes both DH and I happy at the moment, in our current circs is some autonomy over what we spend our money on.

As I say, if we were in financial difficulty, or could not afford things as a family that would be different.

Binkybix · 30/12/2012 11:44

Sorry - good for you was addressed to sleigh bells.

DontmindifIdo · 30/12/2012 11:47

BTW - I've got a similar situation at the moment, I've been given £1k to buy something to remind me of my nana (long story short, she died after a few years in care and most of her money and posessions have gone, I didn't have my own home when she went in to the home so while other family members took some of her furniture I didn't). I'm in two minds what to get, I'm debating getting a new armchair for the living room, so as it'll be in DH's living room too, I took him with me to go sit in some, if I go for that, I'll ask his opinion on colours and styles etc as he'll have to live with it.

The other idea is to buy a piece of jewllery or a watch to remember her by. DH doesn't have a say if I decide to go with the chair or the jewllery options (although he could have vetoed chair all together if he didn't want one in the living room), and if I do decide to go with buying a watch then he doesn't get a say in which style. If we were financially struggling then I might put it in the pot, but I have been asked to get a 'thing' not 'put it in savings/pay for a holiday' with it, so I don't feel he has a right to say I should do that, even if when I got a bonus recently we discussed what we would do with it (it's gone in savings).

Gifts are not family money unless given communally, money earned/won is family money in our house.

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