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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why other mums don't want to talk to me?

145 replies

FeelingLikeALeper · 11/10/2011 19:14

At the school gate, at toddler group, at activities the DCs do?

I am normally standing on my own while the the other mums are in a huddle chatting. I have often thought about just barging in and saying something mundane like 'Lovely weather we're having, my name's XX, can I join you' but I can't because they will probably think I'm mental!

I keep analysing myself with regards to my looks, my demeanour etc and I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I smile, wear clean clothes, makeup and have neat hair, don't smell, am a bit overweight (like at least 25% of the mums at the school gate but they don't seem to suffer for it) but am reasonably attractive (people tell me my DCs are beautiful and they look like me so I take it that I'm not that ugly!). I have quite a posh voice though but am not posh, it's just my accent. I don't think that would put people off anyway?

I just don't get it. Even people I start speaking to, start blanking me after a short while, I am not that boring surely? I am now in a vicious circle where I keep my head down, eyes lowered and avoid eye contact as I don't want to give off the signal that I'm a sad loner (which I seem to be unfortunately). I never used to have a problem making friends before I had DCs. In fact, I used to be quite an extrovert/dancing on nightclub tables in hotpants type of girl (long, long time ago!).

Old ladies/men don't seem to mind talking to me though, they corner me in shops/the street and we can have a lovely conversation about random things Hmm. Why don't women my own age want to know me?

Can't understand it, what am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 11/10/2011 19:16

I'm in exactly the same position. Its horrible isn't it? Where abouts are you?
I try smiling and attempt small talk but I can't seem to infiltrate their groups. Will be watching this thread avidly!!

Adversecamber · 11/10/2011 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

runningwilde · 11/10/2011 19:22

Yanbu - it can be so unfriendly out there! Where are you and also tiaras, where are you?! I have met some lovely mums but also some right arseholes who make no attempt to be friendly. Keep being you and keep chatting, the ones worth knowing will make an effort back. I find a lot of tots groups quite cliquey but surestart run ones nicer for some reason! Dont let the unfriendly buggers get you down!

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 11/10/2011 19:25

I'm in Milton Keynes. I have a fear of toddler groups but I'm trying to pluck up the courage to go to one with DD tomorrow. I always think my age puts people off so I was thinking of getting t-shirts for the DCs saying- yes mummy is young, yes we are close in age, yes we do have the same dad and no we are not scroungers'
Other mums can be very judgemental which is bloody horrible as they should know how isolating it can be!

Backtobedlam · 11/10/2011 19:25

It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong, just maybe people already knew each other before you came along. I always think all you need is to make 1 friend, that gives you the confidence then to chat to others, go along to nights out etc. Is there anyone else that doesn't seem to be with a group you could approach? It's uncomfortable to begin with but you need to make an effort to chat to others first-I don't think going up to a group and joining in sounds odd. If someone did that to me I'd try and carry the conversation on, and certainly wouldn't think you were mental!

Adversecamber · 11/10/2011 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 11/10/2011 19:27

Oh me too! I hated toddler group....I was always on my own despite trying to chat...and I am quite cultured and educated so I DO know how to socialise!

We're at a new school now and NOBODY apart from 2 Mums I knew anyway and one who is very nice has chatted to me!

It's a small school so they KNOW I am new. I have decided thatmost people are rude and self centred and have no education as far as socialisation goes.

I think they only know to chat to people they already know....

Adverse how long did i take before they clutched you? As w are new I had thought to joing the PTA but there is NO info on it! I am uite put off by the attitude!

MangoMonster · 11/10/2011 19:27

YANBU, i feel the same way and can't figure out what is either...

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 11/10/2011 19:28

Backtobedlam I don't think the OP wants to go on nights out though....I think that like me, she just wants someone to chat with now and then!

MangoMonster · 11/10/2011 19:28

Equally I am very sociable and had no issues before DS. I think it might be cliqueyness?

TheyCallMeKipper · 11/10/2011 19:29

Well, it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong, and I'm sure you are lovely! However, if you are eyes down then it won't make you very approachable.

I'd say look for someone else who is standing by themselves, or someone from a group when they are not in a big huddle. It's much easier to talk to one person, and just be casual and friendly. Once you've spoken to one person, the next is easier. Most friends made in these situations for me have been a quick chat each week, then one of us asking if they fancy a walk/cuppa/getting the dcs together to play etc.

And it might look like everyone else knows each other, but you can't tell from the other side of the room if one of them hasn't just been really brave and approached the other!

I'd be delighted if someone new came over and chatted to me.

Good luck.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 11/10/2011 19:29

In one dd's class im in the clique but not with the other dd. The reason is that most of us went to school together and knew each other all ready. The other dd i only know one of them.

I wouldnt worry about it. Its people you see for 15 minutes a day for 3 year until the kids hit the juniors and you can drop them at the gate.

At home though i attract every waif and stray going

cat64 · 11/10/2011 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 11/10/2011 19:30

And to the Mums who are good at all this...HOW do you begin to talk to people when they don't know who the heck you ARE? As the OP says...yu can't just barge in....I do think that people have a certain responsibility to be friendly to new people or to those who are standing on their own....at my last school I always made an effort with new people.

Feminine · 11/10/2011 19:30

Gosh, its sad that so many of (lovely sounding) women are going through this.

It might be me soon as I am moving to a very small community/village.

Well, as always, I will do my best and see how things turn out I guess?

sleepysox · 11/10/2011 19:30

I'm the same too. Lots of the mums knew each other from antenatal, and I moved down when DS was 3. I don't really belong to any clique and don't get invited to many of the mums meet ups. They're all nice to me, but are keen to keep in their little huddles chatting amongst themselves.

GypsyMoth · 11/10/2011 19:31

Lots of places to go with dc in Milton Keynes!
Have you tried mumsnet local?

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 11/10/2011 19:32

Fifis but what if ou don't WANT to "be in the clique" ...just to while the time away....be friendlyand chat?

Also my DD is in Juniors but w have to wait.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 11/10/2011 19:32

No one really talks to each other at DS's nursery. It's quite strange really and a bit of a worry as he is determined he wants a birthday party and all I can think of is that if no one talks to me they won't want to take their child to DS party.
Bloody hell this is worse than school friendships I thought it got easier as you got older!

YouDoTheMath · 11/10/2011 19:32

It's definitely difficult - where I live a lot of people grew up here (I didn't) so it's as if they already have all the friends they need and don't require any more.

I don't worry too much about it, though. You only need one person to come along and to gel with them, and that's enough. Give it time, a new friend will come along when you're not expecting it.

FWIW, though, IME I find it hard sustaining friendships with people purely on the basis that we have children the same age. I need more in common with someone than that, so my friends tend to be from other parts of my life. If they happen to have children, it's purely incidental.

Feminine · 11/10/2011 19:33

mumbling I have said on other threads (along the same lines) that I made a very determined effort to know all the Mums.

I really did.

But...it took a long time and I had to wait till they were not in their usual groups.

It did work out well , met lovely people.

I am hoping to try again like that ,when I move in a few months :)

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 11/10/2011 19:33

Ilovetiffany- I've tried the local board but it's a bit dead tbh or the ladies who replied had school age DCs and mine are toddlers

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 11/10/2011 19:34

I don't suppose it really matters sleepysox I mean...DD is new bt she has still been invited to parties etc....it doesn't seem to affect her so far and hopefully it won't....but I do feel a bit sad when nobody talks to me and I am stood in a big group made up of small huddles.

duvetdayplease · 11/10/2011 19:35

Hi, I know how very hard it is (we moved somewhere almost 2 years ago) and the advice I was given and I have found it works is not to try to infiltrate social circles with strangers but to get involved in something and then hopefully social contact will come out of that.

I religiously attended children's centre and did some volunteering - met a lot of people and you can do it with your child.

Plus I have volunteered to do the (shudder shudder) PTA, which I assure you is not massively up my street but it does at least mean I know what's going on and have a role therefore I can go to school events without feeling awkward. Then people come and talk to you, because you're serving juice/selling mugs/whatever, and you don't have to approach them.

Best of luck, its awful really, worse than bloody school first time round x

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 11/10/2011 19:35

tiaras don't worry....if you send the invitations they will come. Why dont you start talking and mention you're planning a party?