To wonder why other mums don't want to talk to me?

[FeelingLikeALeper]

At the school gate, at toddler group, at activities the DCs do?

I am normally standing on my own while the the other mums are in a huddle chatting. I have often thought about just barging in and saying something mundane like 'Lovely weather we're having, my name's XX, can I join you' but I can't because they will probably think I'm mental!

I keep analysing myself with regards to my looks, my demeanour etc and I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I smile, wear clean clothes, makeup and have neat hair, don't smell, am a bit overweight (like at least 25% of the mums at the school gate but they don't seem to suffer for it) but am reasonably attractive (people tell me my DCs are beautiful and they look like me so I take it that I'm not that ugly!). I have quite a posh voice though but am not posh, it's just my accent. I don't think that would put people off anyway?

I just don't get it. Even people I start speaking to, start blanking me after a short while, I am not that boring surely? I am now in a vicious circle where I keep my head down, eyes lowered and avoid eye contact as I don't want to give off the signal that I'm a sad loner (which I seem to be unfortunately). I never used to have a problem making friends before I had DCs. In fact, I used to be quite an extrovert/dancing on nightclub tables in hotpants type of girl (long, long time ago!).

Old ladies/men don't seem to mind talking to me though, they corner me in shops/the street and we can have a lovely conversation about random things . Why don't women my own age want to know me?

Can't understand it, what am I doing wrong?

*I have put dd 3in a private nursery

I do feel for you OP. But I just want to reassure you that not everyone is in a clique or "not wanting" to talk to you. I'm afraid I an a rude unfriendly cow, probably, because I will have a chat with this person or that, said hello to this person or that, and then on another occasion forget to say hello to them, or possibly even blank them. Not intentionally but because I'm so busy, preoccupied, usually rushing around and trying to keep track of 19 things going on in my brain all at once. I would be happy to chat, but I'm equally happy not to because to be honest, staring into space for 5 mins outside school is kind of a nice little rest!

What I'm saying is you are not necessarily being ignored as such - it's just that not everyone at the school gate is there to chat, or feels like chatting. I'm not sure it really is a very good way to make friends - social things you enjoy are better, because you're more likely to have something in common with people.

I am sure it's not that there's anything wrong with you.

I was only thinking about this today as I was arranging lunch dates with several friends for the coming two weeks.

Two of these friends are women I tried to approach (separately) at toddler groups when DS was 1. They were pleasant and I went back eagerly the following weeks but they werent there or else blanked me.

Looking back I suspect that they were stressed new mums just like me, and weren't being mean at all.

I took a deep breath and volunteered to help at the toddler group. Voila a list of new friends still going strong 3 years later.

The other friends are ones I met at swimming. Again deep breath and ask them to join you and your dc for coffee afterward.

And finally, when you have a few friends, and you will, and you see a mum hovering uncertainly on the edges go up, introduce yourself and your friends and ask her to join you.

I am very shy and DS was born when DD started school so I didn't talk to anyone for months because I was just in this fog of tiredness. DD is now in Year 2 and to my surprise I actually have friends, which has never happened before.

Something that really helped was to be the first or one of the first to the gate. Then when other mums turn up I used one of my limited conversational gambits e.g praised their child/asked about something to do with school to start a conversation.

I think most people are essentially nice (I have to think this or I'd kill myself I think), but I knwo I couldnt remember names/children for all 30 children in DD's class. I ahve four or five I remember and others I smile and make small talk with whilst inwardly going shit whats her name. Arranging playdates is a good way of making friends because you egt the other mother on their own when they come to pick up child, I invited one in for coffee and we ended up talking for an hour or two and now we see each other every week.

Some of the pushy mothers are fun. I play bingo in my head and try and encourage them a bit so they a)come and talk again and b) let me get the full bingo board. They tend to be the popular ones as well so I meet other mothers through them.

Big tip is to look for mother who tend to stand on their own with new babies or young children. I didnt have the energy to start a conversation when DS was new but would have welcomed a friend and a few months on felt very out of sync with the rest of the group who ahd chatted whislt I rested my head against a column andwished I could sleep.

Ladyword, that is spot on. After 14 yrs going to village primary twice a day i was that jaded, juggling a business, lots on my mind mum. I just had lots going on in my head, didnt occur to me that new mums wanted to be my friend or wanted to make small talk, i was just harrassed. But having said that i've always tried to chat and smile and introduced people and welcomed newcomers. Its a difference in needs.

Sister, although it depends on the size of your town, and not necessarily a popular suggestion on mn I found the local meet a mum site on netmums invaluable, although I was moving back to the area I grew up in I had completely lost touch with most of the people I grew up with but three years on am still friends with everyone I met up with from netmums. On the initial thread the only person I speak to at the school gate is my cousin who also has a DD who just started reception - she however has ever lived out of the area and therefore knows lots of other people at the school.

Chrysanthemum, I had a similar kind of revelation through counselling. My shyness/awkwardness annoys me and I don't want other people to realise that, so I'm quite good at appearing aloof. Lots of people have told me over the years that I'm aloof, including my therapist, and I've always seen it as a victory (HA! They think I'm aloof and enigmatic when actually I'm widdling myself because I don't know what to say. I WIN!).
So if there's a snooty mum at your school who smiles graciously but never really responds, she might not be the snobby cow you think. Of course, she might also be just an absolute cow bell of a bitch, in which case, you're well rid.

i havent read the other comments but the following advice just came to me there.
ive been there. most groups who ignore you are either horrible, insecure, bitchy type people who need each other to feel ok. and you wouldnt want to be part of that group surely. OR theyre just busy and wrapped up in their own worlds and dont mean to ignore you so you might need to make an effort to join in a bit. try and suss out which it is. but dont sell out. be true to yourself. dont sook up but dont totally blank either. smile if one smiles at you. say hi if you want. try a couple of times to join in but if it isnt happening, seek out the other loners. dont change yourself to fit in. have pride and confidence in yourself. people attract like for like.
check me out all confident and assertive. its taken me about 20 years to realise these things myself. but im learning that you cant force people to like you. as long as you know youre nice and good youll start to ooze that and attract similar people. chill. karma. etc etc good luck x

I would like to update with my results! Thanks to combines advice I managed to start talking to 2 mums....VERY nice to me.....I caught an eye and smiled...then plunged in and asked a question about a school function coming up.

They both filled me in on the details and talked to me about other things....then we chatted and one of them lives in the next street and invited me to her jewellery party. I thought that was really nice. The other was lovely as well. Both very genine and open. but to look at them...they were proper Yummy and far more stylish than I am. But it goes to show that they're not all unfriendly or judgemental.

Thank you for the advice people and also to Leper (feel mean saying that!) for starting the thread.

MumblingandBloodyRagDoll that's brilliant to hear!

I was going to say that if you're standing alone, not making eye contact, never saying hello etc, then it can be quite difficult to approach you... sometimes people act this way because they WANT to be left alone. Personally I'll say hello to anyone, can't bear to see anyone standing alone never being said hello to, but there's been times when I've made an effort to say 'Hi' and been met with a sneer that says "Isn't it pretty obvious I don't want to talk to anyone".

Basically what you have done is what I'd have said to do, and what others have said and I'm really chuffed its had a positive outcome for you.

I try and chat to whoever is standing next to me in the queue, usually about children. I always make sure to ask about them not just talk about myself. I always say hello to the children too. I pretty much smile and say hello to anyone whose face I recognise. Being overly friendly and nice is the way to go. And never be judgemental yourself.

If people are rude, just try not to take it personally, there will always be wankers around and you only have control over your own behaviour.

However, if I'm having a bad day with getting the boys up the drive to school I might be so preoccupied that I don't even notice who has walked past so keep this in mind too.

awww leper :-(

my only advice to to bloody well go back to work, and deal with some nice normal political greedy business people again!!!!!

I really dont get why some of these MUms are such vile cxxts

doesn;t say alot for our gender does it :-(

This happened to me too when I went to DS's school, no one would really even say hello, I felt quite bullied, he has moved to a different school and now suddenly people are talking to me. My childminder did have a go at the ones in the old school though and made sure that some people talked to me when I picked up my DS at his new school. Thankgod for my bully beating childminder!

I work FT BTW, but I also saw this when on mat leave, the mums are DS pre-school, WTF!!!!! they thought there were something special, why????
then I come to work and really enjoy the interactions with my collegues, male and female

I really dont get why some SAHMs are like this, it baffles me. even the ones around where I work, everyone in office HATES them, the west-london-mums

porcamiseria I don't get it either and I'm a SAHM. I think its just people, some people are just bloody cruel.

There's a mum I stalk always smile to at nursery who wears a lovely Chanel belt and always has perfectly straight hair. She blanks me with my slightly frizzy mop and primark accessories.
But if you are reading this I like your belt. And wish I could pull off floral wide leggy floaty trousers without looking like a tarty elephant

...just do what you said in your original post. introduce yourself.

It's horrible isn't it OP. I thought that once I was a grown woman I couldn't be made to feel like an awkward schoolgirl again, I was so wrong.

I went to a village toddler group that had some very standoffish mums. They were mostly the ones with the older toddlers who had been going for a while and had established friendships. After a couple of weeks I volunteered to help make the coffees at snacktime. We did it in pairs so there was one other person who was forced to talk to me. It also gave me something to do so I wasn't hovering like a spare part.

I always found a good conversation opener was to pay someone's DC a compliment. Just say something like 'Doesn't your DS have beautiful blond curls/a lovely cheeky smile/something similar' If someone still blanks you after that then they are definitely not worth bothering with.

I live near Milton Keynes and will be starting another year of maternity leave next May. I will remember you MK ladies and perhaps barge in with a large cake one day when I'm feeling lonely.

Oooh cake!! Barge right in! I'm going to attempt toddler groups next week once the children have had their behaviour modified

My DD started pre-school this Spring. I find it pretty easy to get chatting at the pre-school gates - good lines are:

Gosh isn't it windy!
Do you have to walk far? Whereabouts to you live?
Is this your first child at pre-school? How are they finding it?
Hi, how was your weekend?

or even statements like

Phew, we only just made it today!
Wasn't it cool that a fire engine came to pre-school yesterday?

Agree with the tactic about asking people about themselves or for their advice (eg I'm trying to find a good toddler group round here, do you have any ideas?). Mundane is absolutely fine as an ice-breaker.

I have to say I have probably blanked people, which is never ever because I don't like them / disapprove of their clothes / don't like their child etc. It's because I'm in a hurry / am terrible at remembering faces let alone names / I have a small baby and I'm tired / I'm thinking about a billion other things.

I also don't particularly want to make loads of friends at the pre-school gate, although it's nice to have a brief chat or to walk back with someone who lives near me. That makes the pre-school run a bit less boring and it's interesting chatting to different people (we have lots of different nationalities near us too - last "chat up line" was about the language the other mum was speaking - turns out it was Persian and I have now learnt "goodbye" in Persian!).

I can hardly keep up with the friends I do have, let alone a bunch more! And I'm afraid I don't see it as my mission in life to make other lonely mums' lives better - you need to take responsibility for that yourselves. But it only take the courage to start a couple of conversations, and keep at it even if you perceive that you are being blanked or ignored - it's almost certainly your perception rather than reality.

I don't think people should expect to make friends at the school gate, at toddler groups or indeed anywhere else. If you do, it's great, but TBH I can take it or leave it. Just because you are thrown together by circumstance it doesn't mean you will find a firm friend. I think of it in the same way as at work or anywhere else.

I can hardly keep up with the friends I do have, let alone a bunch more! Well, yes I kind of think that too. Sometimes people don't want more friends, it's as simple as that.

I have just moved area (farfar away) and it is so different here. It confirmed what I knew about the majority of people (i came across) were areseholes. It makes me quite sad that i spent so many years of my life being treated badly.

Any chance of moving?

I agree insomnia that some people just don't want to be friends because they have enough already, can't be bothered, have confidence issues etc.

When I moved I decided that school gates are not somewhere to make friends. Yes we all had babies in the same year but thats it. I do socialise but more for my children than me. It would take me a long time to allow a real school gate friendship to develop which is sad really.

I am terrified of sitting alone with my toddler, being blanked.

I think this is one of the benefits of being an only child. I was on my own a lot, always had to go to new places, say dance classes or whatever on my own not knowing anyone and always had to make my own way. While I didn't like those aspects very much at the time it means such situations don't really bother me as an adult. If I feel like being chatty and making friends I just butt in to conversations, if people aren't very friendly or I don't feel like chatting I find myself something to do, like getting lost in my thoughts or making a list.

Watch the Discovery Channel and learn from the lions

Big group of zebras all munching grass and tail swishing=no chance

BUT when one zebra wanders away from the herd, that's when you strike.

insomnia I'm not sure it's about friends, so much as general friendliness, just having a chat, passing the time of day etc, you know, like in the old days.