To wonder why other mums don't want to talk to me?

[FeelingLikeALeper]

At the school gate, at toddler group, at activities the DCs do?

I am normally standing on my own while the the other mums are in a huddle chatting. I have often thought about just barging in and saying something mundane like 'Lovely weather we're having, my name's XX, can I join you' but I can't because they will probably think I'm mental!

I keep analysing myself with regards to my looks, my demeanour etc and I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I smile, wear clean clothes, makeup and have neat hair, don't smell, am a bit overweight (like at least 25% of the mums at the school gate but they don't seem to suffer for it) but am reasonably attractive (people tell me my DCs are beautiful and they look like me so I take it that I'm not that ugly!). I have quite a posh voice though but am not posh, it's just my accent. I don't think that would put people off anyway?

I just don't get it. Even people I start speaking to, start blanking me after a short while, I am not that boring surely? I am now in a vicious circle where I keep my head down, eyes lowered and avoid eye contact as I don't want to give off the signal that I'm a sad loner (which I seem to be unfortunately). I never used to have a problem making friends before I had DCs. In fact, I used to be quite an extrovert/dancing on nightclub tables in hotpants type of girl (long, long time ago!).

Old ladies/men don't seem to mind talking to me though, they corner me in shops/the street and we can have a lovely conversation about random things . Why don't women my own age want to know me?

Can't understand it, what am I doing wrong?

I doubt you are doing anything wrong.

I've alwayd broken the deadlock with humour...just using the kids, really, like saying 'Oh yikes here we go again' as my toddler takes off, with a smile at nearby parent.

They normally smile back and respond.
You need to have something in common, even if it's only the fact you have children.
Confidence is a huge thing. I got much more confident after being on here for a while. It's a good testing ground and once you find others with your weird sense of humour, you realise you're not that odd - and so you're far more able to flaunt it at school, or anywhere, knowing there's a chance someone will laugh/understand what you're on about.

Throw it into the mix, just be you, and it'll help a bit x

Not read other replies - we all feel like this to lesser or larger degrees.

You absolutely have to plunge in there and break into a conversation - and with a smile and with humour.

There's just no way two ways about it. If you are stuck for words just ask questions, be interested, ask about their dc etc etc.

wigeon I disagree that it is probably perception from my own experiences as you have said you don't actually want to make new friends. And that is fine and fair enough.

Insomnia11 as previously stated, I don't 'expect' to make friends at the school gate. I just want someone/anyone to chat to and pass the time of day with while I am standing there like a lemon.

I see the same people day after day. Is it too much to expect a nod or a 'morning' from the people who have walked past me most days for the last 3 bloody years? I find this culture of huddling together and ignoring anyone who does not fit into their 'circle', bloody rude actually. Have to say, I have only run into this problem in this particular town (Essex: heavy on the white Range Rovers, orange tans and Juicy tracksuits - I don't have any of them!).

I'm in Essex and I'm finding it much friendlier than my last location. I don't have a rr, a tan or a juicy coture trackie!!!

I see the same people day after day. Is it too much to expect a nod or a 'morning' from the people who have walked past me most days for the last 3 bloody years?

No, and I don't get it. We have definitely lost the art of casual friendliness. It's as though we're all terrified of speaking to anyone in case we're accidentally committing ourselves to being their bff. I now live in Asia and one of the things I love is the chattiness of people, so people do just chat to one another in queues, waiting for the elevator, if they recognise someone from somewhere else etc. It massively reduces loneliness levels IMO.

Too right TheBrideofFrankenstein. I don't want commitment or anything else from anybody. Just the art of conversation, a simple one. I have even overheard a mother talking me to someone else (about my new baby), looking right at me and saying, 'Oh her, I don't talk to her'. Sons in same class, no issues between them, she just doesnot talk to me.

whathappenedtom - ok, so I don't particularly want (or expect?) to make life-long buddies at the pre-school gate (although if I did happen to click with someone that would be great), but I am still friendly / chatty with the other mums and childminders because you might as well be! I'll talk to pretty much anyone. And when someone tries to engage me in conversation I definitely respond and am friendly! I certainly don't blank them or be all cold just because I'm not expecting to find great friends there. And I'm newish to this area, don't know any of the other pre-school families already, and just talk to people individually, rather in a big group huddle.

Leper - agree that a nod and a "morning" is just polite - but has it occurred to you that at least one, if not several, of the others may well be feeling just the same as you, and even feeling that you are the one blanking them, as, as you've said, you don't engage them. Give it a go! You might be pleasantly surprised.

Well I've not had a problem with people being friendly on a small talk level, in general. Perhaps it is where you live that is the issue?

me too. thought i was the only one!

i've always hated cliques and the schoolyard ones are the worst. always have been , i reckon they're the same 'big girls'.

the grandmas are more friendly and approachable, i've found.

its only for a few minutes a day. try not to worry about it.

Wear an ipod

OP:

Would you really want to spend time with these women if you could choose all the possible friends out there? I'm curious.

DD1 never used to get invited anywhere when she went to her first pre-school. I was sad about it, for her sake. The mums didn't really know me/care to know me - I worked full-time and had other interests. But I did try when I could and got nada back. I could have written your post.

At DDs present school, the parents in her year get on famously. We are lucky in having a nice year. So, it can be luck of the draw unfortunately.

The other thing I think you MIGHT want to consider, and I don't mean to worry or upset you, but... is there any question that it is down to something that has happened with one of your DCs at the school that you're not aware of?

Do they get invited to birthday parties/'play dates' etc? How have they settled?

In your shoes, I would consider having a word with the teacher about who they play with, how they're settling in. In the event there is an outside chance that something has happened that you are not aware of...you might get the opportunity to clear it up which would restart the relationship, etc. In my case with DD at preschool I was told, plays fine, happy, it came to nothing. But you never know. It might just be worth looking at the whole picture.

"I have often thought about just barging in and saying something mundane like 'Lovely weather we're having, my name's XX, can I join you' but I can't because they will probably think I'm mental! "

Do it! Honestly, you should.

If I was chatting to a group of established friends, and there was someone else around who dropped off their DC and made no effort at all to join us, I probably wouldn't approach them. I would assume they didn't want to join in. If they came and said "hello and mind if I join you" I'd welcome them happily. But I would kind of expect them to make the first move. Maybe this is wrong - but suspect it's the way lots of people work.

I've had the same problem since dts were in nursery and they're now in P6 so the fact I'm not from this area is kind of not the issue anymore. Or shouldn't be at least.

I don't even try now, if someone wants to talk to me then I'll be friendly but I'm not going out of my way just to be blanked. I've joined in as well, always helping out.

But then I get ignored on here as well. I'm an only child so not particularly socially adept. If it bothers you then do as suggested but although it can be a bit lonely sometimes you can survive on your own.

I find big groups of people intimadating. I just don't have the confidence to stroll up and join in. I have made a real effort at DD's new school to go over to people talking if I know someone in the group who is friendly. At last school the large groups were very cliquey and intimidating. One mum asked me why i didnt stand with them - well 1) I would find it really hard to approach that sort of gropu 2) I actually didnt want to, they were just really unfriendly.

I know that I sometimes walk past people and blank them, its not because I'm rude its because I am in a hurry/tired/ occupied with my 3 etc - delete as appropriate.

weevilswobble Got the book today and have read it already! I see now where I have gone very, very wrong. I have been so self absorbed in how I come across to other people that I don't take any interest in them, as I analyse what I am saying constantly. I can't even remember the names of the few people that I do talk to at the school gate fgs!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for suggesting this book. I can see that it will really help and am almost excited about putting it into practice. Made me tell the DCs how important they are to me as well.

Thanks again.

When I first moved to this village I had a toddler. I enrolled her at the local play group two mornings a week.

The same mums would be there to drop off and collect twice a week. They were so unfriendly and unapproachable.

One lady in particular, I absolutely came to loathe. She was the centre of attraction for her group, constantly arranging activities for them all and studiedly excluding me, or so I thought at the time.

This went on for two years until my DD started school. I never succeeded in making any sort of inroads into the group.

My DH met and became friendly with a man in the village who invited us over for supper. Low and behold it was the loathsome one's husband.

Eventually we became very good friends and still are nearly 20 years on.

I asked her once why they had never included me. She said they thought I was not someone who liked to mix, but was happy alone!!

I suspect they also thought I was a little superior (I'm not, its the angle my nose is set at that does it).

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is. Maybe its give it another try, you have nothing to lose. Hope it goes well.

Even though I blame my lack of school mum friends on the fact that I'm only there 2 days each week, I think I'm going to get a copy of that book too.

It can't do any harm can it?!

I am in the same situation as well, it’s very irritating as I have tried to talk to many, some of them answer politely but never stop to talk themselves, and even then next day they will have a blank face as if they have got a bee sting. I guess these people have a small mindset where they can’t welcome new people, for me I am brown so I assume that might add as well. Though one or two mums are very friendly but they are not from my kids class..

At toddler groups, I think the easiest way to kickstart conversation is by commenting on something their child is doing or even wearing. 'I love your son's top, where did you get it?' I do this when my DC is playing with theirs so it isn't entirely out of the blue as there is an obvious reason I'm paying attention to their DC. Then you go into all the mundane smalltalk questions: how old are they? What toys do they like playing with at home? Do you have any plans for the weekend? Yadayadayada. Once you get through all the dull shit then you can finally get into having a proper chat.

In terms of school gates, I guess I would use a similar tactic:

• 'Did you get email about World Book Day? I have no idea what I'm going to dress DC in yet'

• 'Any plans over the summer holidays?'

• 'I love your dog, what breed is it?'

• 'Where did you get your top from? It's lovely!'

It's generally a bit of work/dull at the start but worth it if you like chatting to people on the regular.