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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why other mums don't want to talk to me?

145 replies

FeelingLikeALeper · 11/10/2011 19:14

At the school gate, at toddler group, at activities the DCs do?

I am normally standing on my own while the the other mums are in a huddle chatting. I have often thought about just barging in and saying something mundane like 'Lovely weather we're having, my name's XX, can I join you' but I can't because they will probably think I'm mental!

I keep analysing myself with regards to my looks, my demeanour etc and I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I smile, wear clean clothes, makeup and have neat hair, don't smell, am a bit overweight (like at least 25% of the mums at the school gate but they don't seem to suffer for it) but am reasonably attractive (people tell me my DCs are beautiful and they look like me so I take it that I'm not that ugly!). I have quite a posh voice though but am not posh, it's just my accent. I don't think that would put people off anyway?

I just don't get it. Even people I start speaking to, start blanking me after a short while, I am not that boring surely? I am now in a vicious circle where I keep my head down, eyes lowered and avoid eye contact as I don't want to give off the signal that I'm a sad loner (which I seem to be unfortunately). I never used to have a problem making friends before I had DCs. In fact, I used to be quite an extrovert/dancing on nightclub tables in hotpants type of girl (long, long time ago!).

Old ladies/men don't seem to mind talking to me though, they corner me in shops/the street and we can have a lovely conversation about random things Hmm. Why don't women my own age want to know me?

Can't understand it, what am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
ThePathanKhansWoman · 11/10/2011 20:03

Oh OP, I feel your pain. I however have a theory when it comes to myself:

awful broad accent.

A week ago i rang the local dance centre to book ballet lessons for my DD, i was told there was no places, no i couldn't put my name down on list, as people are always reserving places and then not bothering to turn up!(i must sound unreliable as well as commonHmm).

Anyhoo got my mother(she of the soft Irish accent) and guess what? Yep they had a place for my DD. I would put this down to me being chippie but the phone calls were made one after the other, and it's happened before.

Ashamed to say i cried, my accent is ruining my childs life .

MurderBloodstabsandgore · 11/10/2011 20:04

piglet you PM by clicking message poster next to the posters name in the blue bar :)

I'm glad you all have each other :)

I think that it makes a massive difference if you went to school in the area yourself. I didn't. I have found that I stick with parents of DCs that went to same nursery, but have also started to recognise people at playgroup from school, so speak there.

Also if you get there early you will be able to 'pick them off' one by one and not have to 'crash' a big group :)

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 11/10/2011 20:07

I find that because I'm only at school 2 days a week (I work part time), I'm really struggling to get talking to other parents at pick up time for both ds's (year 1 and nursery) as they all seem to be getting to know each other much more quickly than I can.

I do have a few parents from ds1's class that I'm pretty ok chatting to, but like you op, I find that chosing topics that make good small talk pretty hard!

I also didn't grow up anywhere near where I now live, and think that does leave me at a bit of a disadvantage since lots of the parents/grandparents/childminders who are at the school gates all go back years together.

DS1 is going to start Beavers soon, so I'm hoping that I'll be ok with that group of parents. I've promised myself that I'm going to start off really positively and use the fact that ds will be the newbie as a good conversation starter!

Sorry, no advice there but I'm just another to add to the list of "wanna be able to talk with the others!"

Hopeforthebest - I love the idea of some kind of campaign - where do we start on that one?

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 11/10/2011 20:09

Great advice Combine I am going to do that....ask someone for advice.

I just got a txt from school about a meeting to organise an event....so I am going a being brave and will volunteer. I suppose you have to be willing when you're new....let people see you actively trying.

I think what someone else said...that people are just comfy in their groups and dont always think...is good comforting advice.

OP....I am shy too...I am going to try and think of a few things which I can ask about from a local area perspective and look for the chance to ask.

We should keep this thread going....there seems to be a few of us Billy-no-mates! Grin

ElectricSoftParade · 11/10/2011 20:10

HopefortheBest I have done this with a woman who lives near me. I do know lots of people (am not from the area and have a very different accent to the local one) but I have lived here around 7 years and have made good friends.

This woman dresses quite differently to most of the other mothers in the neighbourhood and I would see her, every day, standing by herself and just looking lonely. Her DD is in the same class as my DD and I organised a playdate. Bless her heart, she teared up and asked me if I meant it Sad. I have continued to meet up with her and we are really quite friendly now. She comes round here for coffee/wine and the girls play. I go round there for the same. She is lovely but because she looks a bit different, folk just wouldn't talk to her. Also, she used to keep her head down and just try to get away from the school and I really don't blame her.

An odd friendship has formed between an early 20s woman and me in my early 40s. She has joined some of my friends for coffee now too.

I hate, hate, hate seeing anyone looking so lost and believe just reaching out to people makes them feel good and you do too.

I hope you are feeling happier soon and have someone to chat to as well. Smile

LittleMissFlustered · 11/10/2011 20:12

Ask if there is a school coffee morning. Attend, with a mahoosive cake.

Works wonders, though you do tend to get roped in to helping with fundraising!

Good luck:)

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 20:12

Thanks murder Smile I don't originally come from MK, born and brought up in North West London, Stanmore to be exact, my mum still lives there. I don't remember a clique at the school gates there as I was growing up. my mum used to come, collect me and go home.

Original poster
FeelingLikeALeper · 11/10/2011 20:17

You know what there is a school coffee morning every week. I am desperate to go and keep psyching myself up to do it but I just can't!!!

I am terrified of sitting alone with my toddler, being blanked. I say to myself that it would say more about them than me but my pride will not let me do it

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingLikeALeper · 11/10/2011 20:20

ElectricSoftParade - it's a great shame there's not more people like you in the world Sad.

OP posts:
Backtobedlam · 11/10/2011 20:21

Sorry mumbles, I didn't mean people to go on nights out generally. Just that if the school is holding evening events or you get invited out...whether it's evening, coffee mornings whatever, to make the effort to go-even if it isn't 'your' thing. I was just trying to offer some tips, but looks like you've got loads anyway now

weevilswobble · 11/10/2011 20:23

Read a book by Dale Carnegie called 'How to win friends and influence people' i swear it will totally change your life.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 11/10/2011 20:23

Anyone in Milton Keynes- I'm plucking up the courage to go to Ragdolly Anna's music group tomorrow in wolverton. If you are there please be friendly Smile

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 11/10/2011 20:23

leper just go....don't think about it...turn up, smile and remember that people are there to chat. Get yourself a few openers....something about the area like combine said....a question...don/t be put off if one person isn't friendy....keep at it.

OriginalGhoster · 11/10/2011 20:24

Go to the coffee morning, with cake. Ask if you can help. Ask other mums (or dads) how old their dcs are, did the mums go to school here, could they recommend a good joiner/plumber etc, what their dd teacher is like, where's good to go for coffee in town. Don't be afraid to say you're struggling to meet people, they might introduce you to someone with a dd or ds in the same year.

Go for it, and good luck.

And tell us how it went.

LittleMissFlustered · 11/10/2011 20:25

Cake is a universal icebreaker. Make your best one, a large one. Paste the face on and fake it for the first half hour. Please. It works. I should know, I've done it twice. You might not get five invites to coffee, but maybe a smile or two, a coffee and company in a more relaxed setting than the playground is a better way to try to get to know folk.

ScaredKittyWitchyKitty · 11/10/2011 20:31

Like IwishIwasmoreorganised I only do the school run two days per week as I work PT, so it's hard to get involved when you're only there two fifths of the amount of time the other parent(s) are.

I honestly think I have a form of social phobia - I'm crap at small talk and hardly speak to anyone on the school run. I drop DS off and walk home as quickly as I can to get to the 'safety' of my house, and when picking him up I'm one of the last there so I don't have to endure the agony of standing there on my own like billy no mates Sad. Soft play parties are my idea of hell on earth - all the other parents know each other and I usually sit on my own for two hours wishing it was over. I only go to them for DS's sake. I'd like things to be different but I don't know how to change either myself or the situation.

Think I need to get hold of the book Weevils mentioned above.

springydaffs · 11/10/2011 20:31

Somebody has already mentioned it but the way you get into a school is by helping/volunteering. Then they can talk to you as the-lady-who-sells-the-school-sweatshirts (and you can talk to them as the-lady-etc). Making social contacts hasn't come far since LIvingstone it seems Hmm

I really get how angry and sad it makes your feel leper. I had all this when I moved my youngest to a different primary school. Volunteer to do anything and everything (volunteer at that coffee afternoon - at least you'll be doing something with your hands not just sitting there like a lemon). it puts you on the map in record time, promise.

virgiltracey · 11/10/2011 20:31

I've decided it just depends on the group of mums. I had no problem mixing with the parents at the school gate with DS1. We all get on well and everyone is friendly, new parents and existing parents.

Reception parents well blimey thats a completely different kettle of fish. They are so frosty its unbelievable and I'm an outgoing make small talk with the group type. It such hard work. There are a couple that I know already and they are fine but the others look at me as though I'm from another planet.

lesley33 · 11/10/2011 20:33

OP it depends what your school is like. Having a "posh" accent will put some people off you - very wrongly of course. Some people make all kinds of assumptions about what they see as someone who is "posh". And believe you me, in some circles it doesn't take much to be regarded as posh.

OriginalGhoster · 11/10/2011 20:33

I posted this recently on another thread about being excluded, and was accused of being sanctimonious and condescending. So here goes again...

When I first arrived in our lovely town, newborn in tow, knowing no one in the county, a total stranger at school asked me round to her house for coffee. I went, feeling nervous about whether I'd manage to breastfeed in front of a bunch of strangers. It turned out all the people there were new to town and schools well, this lovely woman had picked us out as lost souls who needed a friend. She told me that when she had moved here she had experienced open hostility from people at school saying, 'out comers' were 'stealing local jobs'. Her dad had died a few months before like mine had so we had a good cry too!

So now 10 years on, I'm the wierdo who 'poaches' new people at school, to meet others. I've just had coffee with an American and an Indian woman, who are the latest outcomers!

I feel there's not much anyone can do about other people's behaviour, but being helped myself when I moved made me want to do the same for other people in the future.

So ask a 'new girl' round to counterbalance the excluding behaviour described by OP.

springydaffs · 11/10/2011 20:36

Not condescending or sanctimonious at all original - a stroke of genius!

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 11/10/2011 20:42

That sounds lovely. If everyone did this there would be a lot of happier mums!

ElectricSoftParade · 11/10/2011 20:43

Original that is lovely, it makes me happy to hear it Smile

whatever117 · 11/10/2011 20:49

I think just act "as if" like, act as if you are one of them and they will let you in. Just walk past, head held high and say "alright mate" with a nod and a smile. Keep walking. Do it a few times and they will think they are your friend.

I have been on both sides of the fence and I think if you show you are desperate for a friend people think - "oh dear, hard work" and I have had people be too full on and I think, oh dear - they will be cling-ons. Just be cool and self contained but friendly.

I have also been really lonely and I have just picked off one or two now and then and said something like "these school coats are just silly aren't they, too expensive!"

A common moan normally helps.

OriginalGhoster · 11/10/2011 20:50

You lot are a lot less cynical than the other thread Grin