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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why other mums don't want to talk to me?

145 replies

FeelingLikeALeper · 11/10/2011 19:14

At the school gate, at toddler group, at activities the DCs do?

I am normally standing on my own while the the other mums are in a huddle chatting. I have often thought about just barging in and saying something mundane like 'Lovely weather we're having, my name's XX, can I join you' but I can't because they will probably think I'm mental!

I keep analysing myself with regards to my looks, my demeanour etc and I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I smile, wear clean clothes, makeup and have neat hair, don't smell, am a bit overweight (like at least 25% of the mums at the school gate but they don't seem to suffer for it) but am reasonably attractive (people tell me my DCs are beautiful and they look like me so I take it that I'm not that ugly!). I have quite a posh voice though but am not posh, it's just my accent. I don't think that would put people off anyway?

I just don't get it. Even people I start speaking to, start blanking me after a short while, I am not that boring surely? I am now in a vicious circle where I keep my head down, eyes lowered and avoid eye contact as I don't want to give off the signal that I'm a sad loner (which I seem to be unfortunately). I never used to have a problem making friends before I had DCs. In fact, I used to be quite an extrovert/dancing on nightclub tables in hotpants type of girl (long, long time ago!).

Old ladies/men don't seem to mind talking to me though, they corner me in shops/the street and we can have a lovely conversation about random things Hmm. Why don't women my own age want to know me?

Can't understand it, what am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 11/10/2011 20:50

I've noticed this. I'm shy, so I have to really try to make the effort and it's hard.

Even if you speak, some of them either ignore you or give you a brief answer and turn away again.

I had one on Friday, I did my best to be friendly, nothing too full on, just a hello and a comment/compliment about her son. She was waiting to drop him off, I was waiting to pick my LO up.

I got nothing back. We were the only two parents there and there's no way she didn't hear me. She just had no interest in speaking to me.

When another person arrived, dropping off their grandchild, she spoke to them.

So she's just an unfriendly cow. I don't care.

Just keep trying OP. There are some lovely people and if you just have the confidence to smile and say hello you will find that the ones worth talking to will smile and speak back.

squarebugs · 11/10/2011 20:58

There is a Friendship Stop sign in my ds playground. Sometimes I feel like standing under it Smile

MrsApplepants · 11/10/2011 20:58

I've actually heard of a book about this scenario, called 'The Mummy mafia' but can't remember author, supposed to be a good and funny read, although have not had time to read it myself.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 11/10/2011 21:00

Looking at this thread it does seem that there are other Mums feeling down about it all. I have even had DH go more times than needed as I dread t so much. Sad

no more! I''m not letting them leave me out!

Fifis25StottieCakes · 11/10/2011 21:12

You have to find the right group to approach though. Its a bit of a funny set up at our school. They mainly feed from the private estate they are on with a few of us attending from the council estate. Theres a bit of a them and us attitude TBH. There was a low intake in dd1's year so a few of us who normally wouldnt get in did. Thats what i mean by we look like a clique. There is a few cliques though and i wouldnt approach the other group of mothers as they have the attitude that they belong and we dont IYSWIM.

Its a funny set up Grin Sometimes its not just about people being unfriendly towards new comers

WorzselMummage · 11/10/2011 21:14

Have a baby. People only started talkig to me at the school when I had a baby to coo over. I felt like you for a couple of years and then had a baby and now i've got some brilliant friends.

You just need to give people a reason to talk to you :)

mumofthreekids · 11/10/2011 21:24

I moved to a new area 4 years ago when DS1 was 18 months. I went along to the local toddler group feeling nervous (as I had not managed to make any mummy friends in my previous area, only people I knew before having the baby) and quickly met lots of lovely local mums.

I have since heard that same toddler group described as cliquey and unwelcoming but that wasn't my experience at all. I wonder if I was just lucky with the timing, and happened to start chatting to a couple of women in the same position as me (ie they were at the toddler group to meet new friends rather than catch up with their existing ones)?

Now our kids are at school I chat to those same mums at the school gate every day. There are a couple of mums who don't seem to know anyone, I try to smile and say hello but I can't say I make a huge effort to talk to them, it's difficult when you've only got a few minutes. I think toddler groups or the coffee morning you mention are better as you have time for a proper chat.

Leper, don't take it personally. Keep your head up and keep smiling! I'm sure it will get better for you soon

Original poster
FeelingLikeALeper · 11/10/2011 21:29

Worzel - I did (not for that reason though!) Lots of people congratulated us and stopped to coo for a few weeks and then it stopped dead again. Now he's a toddler, they normally frown at his screeching Grin. I MUST give off the wrong vibe.

I must stress I do chat to mums at the school gate intermittently but the same mums who stood chatting with me one day, will walk right past me the next Hmm and I can do school runs without speaking to anyone at all which makes me feel quite low sadly.

OP posts:
ElectricSoftParade · 11/10/2011 21:32

Sorry, off topic but I love your name Fifis25StottieCakes, reminds me of home Smile.

aquashiv · 11/10/2011 21:37

Have an imaginary conversation organising a huge party. Talk about all the champagne and lovely food you will have. I absolutely 100% guarantee people will want to befriend you as the rare person that has a house party these days. If they dont stuff them you dont want to know them anyway they are boring farts.

weevilswobble · 11/10/2011 21:39

I'm going to just mention this book again because it will totally change your life. 'How to win friends and influence people' Dale Carnegie.
I was very shy and paranoid and not confident or 'popular', it helped me enormously in all those painfully difficult social situations when i was out of my depth and comfort zone. I'm just older and wiser now!

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 11/10/2011 21:52

I'm going to check out that book I think. I'm socially awkward at times!

iceandsliceplease · 11/10/2011 21:55

There is Parent Apartheid at DD's preschool, with the old hands talking only to each other and utterly ignoring everyone else, whereas us newbies have banded together, usually bonding over how many times we've been told off by the staff for not labelling bananas. I am horribly, horribly shy, and the time I spend waiting outside preschool is utter torture. But for some reason, I can see that the other new preschool (mostly) mums feel exactly like me, so that has emboldened me to actually strike up conversations with them, usually just stupid opening gambits like 'How's he settled in?'.
DS's infant school is next door to DD's preschool, and the junior school is next to that so it's likely that I will be seeing these same mums on a daily basis for the next 8 years (I've just really scared myself with that thought).

Original poster
FeelingLikeALeper · 11/10/2011 21:57

Weevil - I have just ordered if from Amazon (£5.89) together with 'How to stop worrying and start living', figured I might as well go the whole hog! Reviews are excellent so thanks for pointing me in that direction.

Funnily enough, I picked up the 'How to in friends and influence people for GIRLS' for my DD who is finding it tough dealing with the bitchiness at secondary school. Better help myself as well Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingLikeALeper · 11/10/2011 21:58

win not in, doh!

OP posts:
iceandsliceplease · 11/10/2011 21:59

Oh, and as we've seen above, MNers get everywhere. I know without being told that a lovely mum whose DD1 is in the same class as DS, and whose DD2 is friends with DD is a MNer. Yes, I mean you. Yes, you. No, not you, you. The only person in the last six years to ask me what I'd read lately.

SisterCarrie · 11/10/2011 22:01

As a mum of just 1 toddler and relative new arrival in a small town, does anyone have any ideas about what sort of conversational gambits are good 'ice breakers'?

I have steeled myself over recent months to take DS to rhyme time at the library and a couple of play groups every week and have only spoken to 1 person - another newcomer to the town who knows nobody - despite now feeling like a 'regular' at these groups, as she and I were the only ones not already there with someone else.

The church ladies aren't terribly good at chatting to new people: one even went so far to tell me that my DS - who was only just walking at the time - was making life harder for the bigger children who wanted to run around without having to watch out for a baby; needless to say I've not been back to that group.

Just observing today, all (bar 2 foreign ladies and me) were in the several groups/pairs of mothers and studiously avoided making eye contact with me, even though DS was attempting to play close to their kids and I made attempts to catch their eyes/smile. Even when one of them has to break away from their pal/group to follow a child, they zoom back to their mates and there never seems to be an opportunity to 'break in' or get one on their own.

I really feel I must be giving off some sort of pheromone that says 'don't talk to her'. And it's crushing, when I come home after 2 hours of playing with DS on my own in a room full of others. I thought the small baby days were lonely, being on my own in a place I didn't know anyone, but this is almost worse, as it's different being ignored in a playground/park full of other individuals on their own timetables than in a structured environment where people are all there for the same reason.

weevilswobble · 11/10/2011 22:01

Grin I read it over 20 yrs ago, its simple stuff, but incredibly powerful.
Dontcha just love MN sometimes?

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 11/10/2011 22:04

MN is going to bankrupt me. Just downloaded it to kindle Grin but in my defence I have an OU tutorial on Saturday and would love to know how to talk to people without sounding like a blithering idiot!

bethelbeth · 11/10/2011 22:04

I get it too, I think it's because I'm 25 and most of the mums are either far younger or a fair bit older so I don't 'fit in' as such.

And i am a total nerd.

Harmless though.

It can be incredibly lonely. I don't think I come across as grasping or overly friendly. Nor the opposite.

So yeah, it'll be another glass of wine and Terry Pratchett night for me. On my own. All by myself Grin

weevilswobble · 11/10/2011 22:08

Sistercarrie, a winning conversation is always 'them' just talk about the other person and keep it going about them. You might not even say a word about you, but you'll find yourself chatting for ages!
How old is DC?
I love her shoes! Where did you get them? Is that a good shop?
Have you any other children? Have you lived in this area long? Do you know of any keep fit classes?
Loads of questions leading onto more questions, always keep it positive and smiley. Try to remember their name and actually use there name during the conversation. It was lovely to meet you/ chat X.

weevilswobble · 11/10/2011 22:09
  • their
BimboNo5 · 11/10/2011 22:09

Been there, done that given up. There is a definate clique at my DD's school (the queen bee so to speak is the mum of my daughters good friend) however she cut me dead so many times I just totally forget about her now. If 'school mums' want to chat to me they can, otherwise well I have plenty of friends who I dont have to go out of my way with.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 11/10/2011 22:10

I found pre school quite hard with 2nd dd so i have put her in a private nursery where i just drop and go. I rarely see any other parents. I rthink i have seen 2 in a month and there is no where to stand and chat as such. I find pre-school a lot harder than the school gates.

Chrysanthemum5 · 11/10/2011 22:11

For me it honestly was a matter of perception. I used to feel all the other mums knew each other and were basically ignoring me. I'm pretty confident about these things so I used to make myself go up, start conversations etc but I was convinced they didn't want to talk to me.

I started counselling (to deal with my abusive past) and as ibecame stronger I started to see the reality. That actually a lot of the mums were standing on their own, that almost no-one was doing playdates, that the people I thought had blanked me were actually very nice but often checking work emails.

Maybe the other mums really don't want to talk to you (but logically why? You seem lovely!) but it's more likely they are busy or thinking about how to help their child with homework etc.