To wonder why other mums don't want to talk to me?

[FeelingLikeALeper]

At the school gate, at toddler group, at activities the DCs do?

I am normally standing on my own while the the other mums are in a huddle chatting. I have often thought about just barging in and saying something mundane like 'Lovely weather we're having, my name's XX, can I join you' but I can't because they will probably think I'm mental!

I keep analysing myself with regards to my looks, my demeanour etc and I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I smile, wear clean clothes, makeup and have neat hair, don't smell, am a bit overweight (like at least 25% of the mums at the school gate but they don't seem to suffer for it) but am reasonably attractive (people tell me my DCs are beautiful and they look like me so I take it that I'm not that ugly!). I have quite a posh voice though but am not posh, it's just my accent. I don't think that would put people off anyway?

I just don't get it. Even people I start speaking to, start blanking me after a short while, I am not that boring surely? I am now in a vicious circle where I keep my head down, eyes lowered and avoid eye contact as I don't want to give off the signal that I'm a sad loner (which I seem to be unfortunately). I never used to have a problem making friends before I had DCs. In fact, I used to be quite an extrovert/dancing on nightclub tables in hotpants type of girl (long, long time ago!).

Old ladies/men don't seem to mind talking to me though, they corner me in shops/the street and we can have a lovely conversation about random things . Why don't women my own age want to know me?

Can't understand it, what am I doing wrong?

Poor you, sounds like your confidence has taken a dent.

If this is any help, I was once accused at work of being stuffy, unfriendly etc and I was absolutely mortified. I had no idea one of the ladies in our office went out for lunch every day because she thought we were unfriendly / unwelcoming etc. This may make me sound like I'm pig ignorant, but really I'm not. I was just happy chatting to my pals and had no idea whatsoever that this lady felt unwelcome.

I hope this gives you some reassurance that people are not looking at you thinking you're not worth talking to. I'd be astonished if that's the case. I think it's far more likely that they are just chatting to the people they know. At worst perhaps they're being a bit thoughtless, but it's no worse than that

My advice would be to put on a brave face and say a cheery hello to as many people as possible, try to make eye contact and perhaps make a (sincere) compliment (eg I like your jacket, it suits you) and take it slowly. Respect the fact that people may be wary if they barely know you and take your time. You don't make friends overnight

You have to make a real effort ime. I went and talked to the loudest one - practically interrupted a conversation - asked a question about local area then everyone was jumping in with their opinions. But then the next day you have to be the one who initiates / the conversation again, and every time you are there for a good while after.

Remember they are in their comfort zone and making an effort to speak to you takes them out of it; right now they have no need to do that because they already have people to speak to. They are only human, not being mean on purpose. You have to be the one that steps outside your head down comfort zone. Don't be afraid to make an arse of yourself. If they think you're a mug for trying to talk to them, then they are not worth knowing. The vast majority of people will be pleased you are making the effort and will respond.

You might have to be that sets up the meeting for tea / having their kid over to play. If your kid plays with one of their kids, use that to go and talk to them, say your kid wants their child over for tea etc. Then you will be able to talk to the Mum one-on-one.

You have to be a thick skinned, charming barger inner or it wont change. Just keep at it. Smiling, small talk. Make yourself think you really dont care so if you get rebuffed you really wont mind. Looks like no one else is going to make the effort for you so you have to help yourself. It is hard but doable. I was shameless when I moved here (knew no one) and went to toddler groups essentially on the pull for new friends likewise in the playground amble up to people who look kind and friendlyish and make small talk.At least in a playground there will always be benign conversation openers ie the DC. Or join the PTA that can be a way of breaking in.

It can be difficult to talk to other mums in the playground. I tend to talk to a few mums that I already know (as our DCs were in the school nursery class together) I'd hate it if anyone thought we were a clique though, we're not!

I actually do feel a bit guilty sometimes, because two classes go through the same door in our school, so I have no idea really who is a 'new' mum as there are lots of people I don't recognise. I try to smile at everyone and be friendly but I find it hard as I'm a bit awkward, lacking in confidence and not the best at chit chat!

What about arranging a playdate for your DCs? DD1 has a friend that comes for tea, and she goes to them- the mum is really nice and easy to talk to.

I need some more friends desperately as I've got depression and don't get out much, but I feel a bit desperate trying to befriend the school mums at a deeper level!

join the club, i talk to one other mum and thats it and she is in the same boat as me, i am very friendly and say hello to everyone and smile, but i get blanked, don't know if its because i am not a local, they are in their clicky groups, although standing on my own i often think, they think i am deaf, as they bitch about each other behind their so called friends backs, it often makes me smile, so in a way pleased i am not part of their groups

Combinearvester has great advice there - ask someone for help / advice - give them the chance to be an expert and most people will leap at the chance. Brilliant tip!!

Tiaras Im in Milton Keynes too, I live in Emerson Valley. Always a lovely friendly bunch here. Toddler group is great, mums at the school gate are good, there are some that keep themselves to themselves and who are a bit unfriendly. But then again I can talk for England, and find it easy to approach people.

You sound nice, can't think of anything you're doing wrong. In these situations I tend to blame it on the other party

Wotcha TIARAS = I, too, am from Milton Keynes.

I experienced this when we moved here and knew no one in the area. I held a big birthday party for dd and invited all the children in my dd's class, plus parents, most came (although nailbiting waiting to see who turned up!) and this resulted in me managing to get asked to some mums meet ups and set up some playdates and it went from there. I will say however that this was a rather expensive way of doing it, and took a lot of effort after the party to make sure I kept going over to chat and stay involved, but was really worth it in the end as I have lots of new local friends. Am never moving again!

I'm beginning to wonder if I should make more effort clothes wise. One mum turns up in amazing outfits every morning and there's me slobbing in jeans and plimsolls. I must try harder!

at pigletmania too.

I am not really looking for 'friends' as such although that would be lovely. First off, just someone to stand and chat with so I don't feel like I stand out like a sore thumb on my own! It's not just the school gate though. Just picking up my DCs from cubs, I stand alone while all the other parents chat and laugh together.

I did not grow up in this area. Yes, a lot of the mums probably grew up here as they seem to have family in the area (mention that their parents live here) and we moved here part way through the school year so the older DCs did not attend nursery here but that was 3 years ago!

DCs have had/been to playdates but the mums don't seem interested in speaking to me afterwards. In fact one of them actively blanks me. Which had made me paranoid that I did/said something off when her DC was here (can't for the life of me think what). It is quite an affluent area so I can only assume it's because my house is smaller than hers!!

I'm in wolverton and thought that there would be a lack of posh mums here so I could find people that wouldn't intimidate me! But no. They all have the same pushchairs and changing bag and glossy swishy hair and well behaved children.
It's scary trying to start conversations!

Does the school or nursery hold social evenings? When I was new here, I went along to a quiz night. It took a huge amount of courage to go along, but once I was sat at a table, it was fun. The ladies were nice. They were all going to a local pub afterwards and they asked if I was going to come along. Since then, I've become more friendly with people. Some even friend requested me on FB

I do find that people around here have been friends for a long time, so I'm the newcomer. That probably won't ever change! But I had to make quite an effort. Like inviting some of the mums close by round for a coffee. Or asking a neighbour with her kids in. Sometimes I couldn't be bothered but it has helped me establish some nice friendships X

Tiaras - I have a very good friend who lives in Wolverton. She knows loads of people there and runs a v friendly toddler music session - I can let you know the details if you are interested (p.s. have just replied to your thread in MN local).

That would be great thank you!

I don't know a lot of school mums, but I have met a few like minded people at the school gates who are wonderful and we see each other outside, they are not in any clique and go above and beyond what friends do. I have met a couple of mums at the toddler group in MK who I still see and keep in touch with. What area of MK are you from Tiaras

Mabey we should have an MK meet up then

I'll PM you now

I think you just have to be thick skinned about it, and willing to put yourself out there a bit. It's scary, and so much harder to make friends the older we get.
I moved here nearly 5 years ago and for the first 18months felt out of it all. Then I joined our pta and became a school governor so now I feel like I know quite a lot of people locally and have a really fantastic group of friends. It takes work though!

chicken and tiaras and anyone else from MK.

There should be an MK meet up! I'm really going to try and make more of an effort this week. We were going to go to a group this morning but we all woke up late (I only get a lie in when it's not convinient) and decided instead to go to asda and buy cake. At the time it seemed like a good idea however now I'm pissed off with myself for wimping out!

What in Wolverton Tiaras we must be a bit unposh here in Emerson as school gate mums tend to walk about in baggy jeans, tracky bottoms, hair unkempt looking like they need Mary Portas help fast. Including me. How do you PM btw, I tried to PM you but dont know how

Mumbling i say it as clique as thats what people probably would have thought looking at us in the infants yard but had anyone approached no one would have been rude. Eldest went into the juniors and middle one was in infants. I knew no one apart from the 'clique' from pre school who i had never mixed with so i see it from both sides really.

Though what i would say is watch what you wish for as i have friends whos kids go to the other primary and they have had some quite nasty bitching and fighting. Doesnt make for a nice atmosphere at the gates so im told.