Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not expect my husband to sleep all day just because he's nightshift?

149 replies

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 10/10/2011 22:38

I fear I may have lost prespective , I'm so bloody damn mad at him. So I'll ask the MN jury if its me, or is he being unreasonable...

Ok, so my DH is nightshift for the next few months, working from 10pm till 6am sunday night till friday morning. I work too, four days a week. We have four kids, aged 7, 5 and 2 year old twins.

Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to get up two days a week and pick up the boys after school, go get the twins and feed them (i'm in about 6). Not every day, no no TWO days a week.

Point 2. The weekends. Now I realise that keeping to a nigshift pattern would make sense at the weekends if he was a single guy or it was just him an I. But its not, we have kids, and lying in bed all day while I look after them myself and staying up most of the night is not reasonable.

So am I??

OP posts:
Homelybird · 10/10/2011 22:43

Yanbu. I work nights 3/ week I sleep between 9-2 on a mon and tues (I work sun, mon, tues night. That is all the sleep I get, I collect baby at 1430 and dd1 at 0300 from pre school. He is ver lucky indeed. I have no sleep On my last night. It nearly kills me but I do it because I like the money equilivant of days to nights and it means I get 4 whole days with the girls. He should get up at least twice. Work out how much sleep he gas on average in a normal night it won't be the same as a whole day I bet!

Homelybird · 10/10/2011 22:45

Sorry I really should proof read before I press submit!!

troisgarcons · 10/10/2011 22:45

Ummm ... perspective ..... lets say you sleep 10-6 ....would you think it reasonable to get up at 3 to do a school run? It's not is it?

So if he gets in at 6am, lets say 2 hours unwind time, bed at 8 - no I wouldnt expect to see him until 4pm - assuming he has a standard 8 hour sleep pattern.

So If you work till 6pm - who has your kids 2 days after school at the moment?

Weekends ... no -maybe a litle adjustment on Saturday - Sunday should be a relatively normal day.

however - if the roles were reversed and you were told to sleep out of klter, would you be able to do it?

I would suggest he looks for a different job with more normalised hours - but in this economic climate any job is better than no job.

springboksaplenty · 10/10/2011 22:48

Ummm... I can see the getting up early to pick the boys up as it is as if you needed to get up early on a normal day IYSWIM. Both me and dh do that when on nights.

But... I think he should stick to a night mode if at all possible for the entire month. I know it's crap for you I really do but it's the constant switching of circadian rhythm that makes someone even more tired. I used to work a split shift system of nights where they would break up nightshifts with days off and normal days work. I now work all my nights in one group and it is so much better. Your body takes time to adjust to the switch and to force it to do it more than is necessary will mean you not only have a grumpy dh but one more prone to making errors, getting snappy - in the end YOU may want him to be asleep all weekend! Sorry

maypole1 · 10/10/2011 22:49

After a days work would you nit expect to sleep all night

My oh works shfts he wakes up when he feels he has had enough sleep personally my oh is in a job were he could kill someone if he's not had enough sleep so I wouldn't dare

And I wouldn't have him drive the kids knowing he's still sleepy its a lot tougher sleeping during the day and keeping awake during the night hence why we sleep at night and are awake during the day

I think your being out of order, and on a safety not more likey to have a car crash in the car with out the required amount of sleep and its a lot harder to stay awke during the night shif and depending on what he dose could put his life or others at risk

DressDownFriday · 10/10/2011 22:50

YANBU.

Not knowing how long it takes for him to get home and to bed - if he went to bed at 7am then he could have a pretty decent sleep and still get up for the school run and collect/feed the twins.

I work occassional night shifts getting to bed about 7am and then getting up 3pm for the school run. I then often make the tea and get myself back to work for 7pm.

What time does he get up? Does he help with the children in the evening?

He should be getting up at lunchtime on Friday and having a relatively normal weekend with the family (perhaps with a nap on Sunday ready for the night shift)

maypole1 · 10/10/2011 22:52

My oh was doing 8 till 8 but he wasn't getting home till 9:30 some mornings

scurryfunge · 10/10/2011 22:53

I have regularly done night shifts since DS was 2 years old (he is now 17). They are a killer and the quality of sleep compared to a normal night's sleep is awful. I used to take him to school on arriving home and would get to bed at around 0900hrs and would be up again to pick him up at 1530hrs,though more often than not I would be up again at around 1300hrs -terrible way to live but it only occurred 2 nights in a pattern of 10 days at a time.

He can surely manage this.

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 22:54

Do you know how hard it is to get back into a sleep pattern only after two night shifts let alone 5? Have you any comprehension at all how hard it is to live the way he does? Figure it when he comes home from work he needs dinner, some TV some time to wind down, then he needs 8 hours kip, his days work in reverse to yours.

In at 7am stay up till 12pm then sleep for 7 hours until 7pm. Sorry you are being totally unreasonable.

Could you get up at 7am go to work and come home and just go to bed? Why should he?

AuntiePickleBottom · 10/10/2011 22:54

yabu, my husband does this shift every 3 weeks.

he needs the sleep or he could kill someone, so he sleep however long he needs it. In the night every one is asleep so there is no noise...however when you are a night worker ( been there) it is hard to sleep in the day phones going off, dogs barking, people talking outside, music, cars, knocks on the door ect ect

squeakytoy · 10/10/2011 22:54

swap all the times he works and sleeps from am to pm/pm to am

so he works from 10am to 6pm... gets home... unwinds till about 10pm... goes to bed, has the average 8 hours kip.... gets up at 6am..

it would be fine to expect him to do the school run in a morning, but unreasonable to expect him to get up at what (in his body clock) would be about 2am to pick them up from school....

Kayano · 10/10/2011 22:57

Yabu

ruelachesty · 10/10/2011 22:58

Hmmm, I asked this question before and got flamed but I don't think yabu. My dp works month of nights then month of days, 8pm - 8am nightshifts. He is in bed by 9-9:30 and on days were he is working that night he gets up at 5 or 4 if I need him to and on his last day he gets up at 2.

I was told this was unfair on him BUT we have 2 dc who are rubbish sleeps so when he's on nightshift he actually gets a better sleep than if he wasn't. I regularly only get 5 hours a night when he's not here. Also I don't agree with the 2 hour wind down...

So IMO yanbu to expect him to get up early 2 days!

worraliberty · 10/10/2011 22:58

My DH works nights every 3rd week and it's bloody hard.

My Sister works nights too and both of them say it leaves them with a 'sicky' feeling so they're unable to eat properly...especially a few nights into the shift.

Also, it's difficult to sleep when the world outside your window is very much awake...the rubbish collection, the car doors slamming, the neighbours cheerfully talking to one another, people using power tools/lawn mowers etc. Not to mention phone calls and knocks at the door.

As for weekends, well he'll still need to sleep on Saturday at least because he's been up all night working while you've been asleep.

worraliberty · 10/10/2011 22:59

Oooh wonders if DH works with AuntiePickle Shock Grin

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 22:59

Im sorry but his day does work in reverse and why is a man who works nights not entitled to some down time. To come home and eat a dinner. When did the wife become god and dictate when her partner goes to bed and how long he sleeps.

worraliberty · 10/10/2011 22:59

Meant AuntiePickle's DH Blush

troisgarcons · 10/10/2011 23:01

Also I don't agree with the 2 hour wind down...

when do you go to bed? I finish work @ 4, got bed about11 ...so thats 7 hour wind down.

I think a 2 hour wind down is normal if you ar looking :@ sleeping during daylight hours.

Although ... most people only get up 1-2 hours before going to work - so maybe the Ops husband should really readjust his body clock ...gets in 6am and goes to bed at noon ..... gets up at 8 and off to work again.

VivaLeBeaver · 10/10/2011 23:02

If his last shift is thurs night, fri morn he should be able to do school pick up on fri. But other days no I don't thinkmhe should.

He should be able to be up as normal on sat if he hasn't worked fri night. But sun he may need a nap in the afternoon before his first shift.

I work nights and they are terrible. I think people who don't work them underestimate how rough they make you.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 10/10/2011 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musicposy · 10/10/2011 23:02

I think YABU, sorry. My DH works nightshifts. Friday morning until Sunday night is nowhere near enough to get back into daytime mode. He needs to stay in night mode if he can for the month or he's not going to be able to do his job safely and his health will suffer.

DH does 4 nights on, 4 off, and the first one or two of the 4 off is completely wasted because he needs to catch up on sleep so much. He used to do 6 on, 3 off at his old job and he was virtually never in daytime mode. When he comes off the nights he needs to sleep and sleep and sleep - because doing nights buggers up your system. The sleep you get in the day isn't the same, somehow, and he builds up a sleep debt, getting more and more tired until he sleeps it off.

DH gets in at 7am but is rarely asleep before 9am. I used to complain a bit about this, thinking he was wasting sleep time, but he put it how would I like to finish work and have to go straight to sleep? I wouldn't. You need some wind down time. I've got more understanding of it the longer he's done it.

Those who work occasional night shifts, it's nothing like doing it constantly. I don't think the OP's DH could possibly get up Friday lunchtime unless he wants to feel awful.

Night shift work shortens your lifespan as it is. I'm not going to make it worse by depriving DH of the sleep he needs on top of that, even if it is a pain at times. I can see it's annoying for you, OP, but I don't think you are being fair.

prioneyes · 10/10/2011 23:03

DH works nights sometimes and after 7 shifts it takes a day and a half to get him switched round again and tolerable company. So re the weekends, YABU. We agreed that in your DH's shoes he'd stay up until 3am ish then sleep until midmorning.

Through the week it is usual for DH to collect the DC from the childminder at 3pm - he is never in bed before 7.15, later if I have had a bad night and need a bit of help with getting the children sorted out.

He does sleep longer when on nights than he would normally, if he gets the chance. I think it is physically tough to make yourself work all night. It is hard to be goodnatured though, when I have dealt with wakeful DC all night, alone, then have to do a day's work, while he freely admits he gets better, longer, less disturbed sleep when he works nights!

Haggyoldclothbatspus · 10/10/2011 23:03

YABU to expect him to. He is entitled to 8 hours unbroken sleep. Im presuming he works nights to provide more money for your family than he could working days. You cant have it both ways!
As for weeekends, its is very hard to change your sleep patterns quickly, I know it doesnt help you much, but you cant really blame him.
I work normal hours, but have trouble sleeping, so stay up very late. Its very hard to regulate things, and I really suffer when I get insufficient or broken sleep.
You say that this is only for a few months. You need to try and make the best of it.

maypole1 · 10/10/2011 23:04

It's much easier to sleep during the day

Our body's are just wired that way not to mention the noise I felt so sorry for oh when the summer hols were one couldn't really get a wink so got him some ear plugs

musicposy · 10/10/2011 23:05

"BUT prepare for him to be a right tired cranky git."

Grin This is another reason I've learnt to let DH sleep! He's unbearably stroppy and moody if I wake him up early on his first day off. He doesn't even know he's like it - he'll claim he's fine. Just that being very sleep deprived makes you snappy. I'd rather make other arrangements than have him up "helping"!