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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not expect my husband to sleep all day just because he's nightshift?

149 replies

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 10/10/2011 22:38

I fear I may have lost prespective , I'm so bloody damn mad at him. So I'll ask the MN jury if its me, or is he being unreasonable...

Ok, so my DH is nightshift for the next few months, working from 10pm till 6am sunday night till friday morning. I work too, four days a week. We have four kids, aged 7, 5 and 2 year old twins.

Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to get up two days a week and pick up the boys after school, go get the twins and feed them (i'm in about 6). Not every day, no no TWO days a week.

Point 2. The weekends. Now I realise that keeping to a nigshift pattern would make sense at the weekends if he was a single guy or it was just him an I. But its not, we have kids, and lying in bed all day while I look after them myself and staying up most of the night is not reasonable.

So am I??

OP posts:
Cassettetapeandpencil · 10/10/2011 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntiePickleBottom · 10/10/2011 23:06

are in in wales.

my husband i feel sorry for, he has 6am-2pm 2pm-10pm and 10pm -6am on a 3 week rota. his eating ans sleep habits are all over he place and as a family we can't get into a routine.

i wish he could get a 9am-5pm job

Cassettetapeandpencil · 10/10/2011 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

troisgarcons · 10/10/2011 23:08

I cant sleep in the day.

ExcitedElectrons · 10/10/2011 23:09

YABVVVVVVVVVU.

Hmm
ruelachesty · 10/10/2011 23:09

I work into the night when kids are sleeping, just now I am printing stuff off then heading straight to bed as I need to be up at 6 with the kids.

I appreciate nightshifts are hard, I admit I have never worked them but have worked in pubs, gut home at 2 and had to be back in for 9 so no chance for down time.

When you have kids you just have to make sacrifices.

If the OP needs her DH up at 3 for school run he needs to go to bed as soon as he gets in.

My dad is a retired police officer and my mum a midwife, 2 sisters are nurses as is DP so have always been around people who work nightshifts and this has always been the way they've worked.

maypole1 · 10/10/2011 23:09

If people think its so easy to change sleeping patterns why don't they try see how easy hard it is

ChippingIn · 10/10/2011 23:10

YANBU

He needs to realise he still has a family! He needs to pull his weight as a DH & a Dad. He can't just do this like he would if he was a single bloke.

You cannot just say 'switch the hours around' - plenty of people have to get up when they'd rather not. He can't just opt out of family life for several months FFS.

skybluepearl · 10/10/2011 23:11

I think it's only fair for him to sleep during the day during the weekends too. I couldn't cope messing about with naps either.

You should allow him 7 or 8 hours of unbroken sleep. So if he goes to bed at 7.30am, a 3pm pick up is fine.

He should do some of the childcare i agree but it needs to work for both of you.

scurryfunge · 10/10/2011 23:11

maypole, I agree. Unless you have experienced how tough night shifts are, you cannot comment.It is not as simple as reversing a day shift routine.

prioneyes · 10/10/2011 23:12

DH does the same Auntie and is always tired. I really admire how he deals with it though, even if he is a grumpy bugger much of the time, even more so if it's pointed out to him! He gets up at 12 after the last night shift ... Ugh, make yourself busy elsewhere!

CardyMow · 10/10/2011 23:12

Nope, YABU. Have you ever done night shift? Honestly, what squeakytoy said about looking at it by swapping the am for pm, and see if you could do it. If he finishes work at 6am, he gets in a around 7am. 2-3hours to eat dinner & wind down before bed, go to bed at 10am. 8 hours sleep, takes you to 6pm. So YWBU to expect him to go to sleep before 9/10am, and YWBU to expect him awake before 5/6pm.

I've done exactly the shift your DH is on - you can't just chop and change on your days off, it messes with your circadian rhythm even more, and makes your sleep quality even less. There's loads of research on how people that do night shifts permanantly for long periods of time (years, I mean) actually have a shorter life-span - just accept it, especially if it's not permanant and it's only for a month.

Just don't expect his sleep pattern to get back to normal too quickly either - I haven't done night shift for 5 years now, but I still struggle to get to sleep before 2am. I seem to be managing to pull back my bedtime by about an hour and a half each year. Hmm.

OhMyGolly · 10/10/2011 23:12

YANBU I worked night shifts and on the last one I would have about erm 3 hours of sleep before I had to get up and deal with the children. I worked with plenty of ladies who would get off a night shift and immediately have to look after children. Getting naps where they could/probably sharing with a friend.

I had night shifts all over the place and had to adjust. Sometimes I would be 24 hours without sleep, that is just life.

You can't keep to these patterns if you have children. You have to suck the tiredness up, my Dp can't do it though, if he is tired (most of the time) he will just go to sleep regardlesss of the consequences. It really pisses me off tbh.

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 23:13

Sky you expect him to come in from work and go to bed?> What about his dinner? What about his daily shit? Could you go to work all day just come home and go to bed. Why should the OP's husband? I don't know any one person who has ever done nights who has come home and gone to bed.

He should go when he is tired, wound down, and have 7 or 8 hours and if he don't go to kip until 11am he should be able to sleep until 6pm.

suburbophobe · 10/10/2011 23:14

Wow, wonder how my single mother friend did her nursing night shifts all those years?!

She had no-one to fall back on, home at 8 am and still had to be at the school gate at 3...

No, YANBU, if you both decided to have 4 children, you both pull the weight.

GreenMonkies · 10/10/2011 23:14

No. YANBU. Not at all. He can get 5 or 6 solid hours sleep (what many mums have to survive on for years months and then do the afternoon school run. Kick the lazy got out of bed.

maypole1 · 10/10/2011 23:15

Doing a 2am shift on the one off its not the same as as having days and days of interrupted sleep

Its harder to sleep during the day so the quality of the sleep is not the same

Even here were I am kind to my oh we have the postman knocking the door, jahovah witness, people ringing the children playing the cats jumping on his head, the lights from the street, the guy two doors down who's in a emo band

In the night their is nothing because every fucker is asleep all I know it's that for some wifes I think its more about control

Like someone else said a person who works during the day dose not go straight to bed so why should a night worker not have winding down time

ChippingIn · 10/10/2011 23:15

Nobody is saying it's easy - we are saying it's necessary. They have kids - when you have kids you have to do things that aren't easy.

Bearskinwoolies · 10/10/2011 23:16

Cassette As a night shift worker with children, I've tried getting my arse to bed ASAP, only to toss and turn and eventually piss my dh right off, as I can't get to sleep straight away. I'm permanently on night shift, and as it is a physically demanding job, need at least two hours to wind down.

OP Day shift workers aren't going to bed straight in from work, so why should your dh? When I did day shift, I finished at 6pm, and went to bed between 10 and 11pm. Why should night shift workers be any different? Even if it is only two days a week, it can make a big difference.

Sorry, but YADBU.

maypole1 · 10/10/2011 23:17

suburbophobe don't believe for one moment she had know help you miss are a liar so who looked after her kids on weekends and when she was doing the night shift unless she left the child on her own

Lets not start lying now

Original poster
switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 10/10/2011 23:18

Ok so I may be being unreasonable. However I work too! I don't get much downtime. As soon as I open the door I get swamped with 'mumm can i get' ,'mum he/she hit me'. I have four children seven and under. I don't get (and have not had) a nights unbroken sleep in seven years.

Yes it might be hard for him and I have never done shifts so I can't comment, but I don't really want to get up at 7am after been woken a couple of times in the night, but I get up and I'm not grumpy as, well whats the point in being grumpy?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 23:18

I doubt the OP would want him to change his well paid night shifts for days, but if that is an option he should do that for the sake of the children, because it appears that the mans health can go to fuck because they have children.

Bearskinwoolies · 10/10/2011 23:18

Oh, and to sleep during the day, I switch off the landline, my mobile is on silent, the doorbell battery is removed, I have earplugs, a blackout blind AND curtains.

I've been doing permanent night shift for nearly 3 yrs, and it is still difficult to sleep during the day, and I still get cranky if my sleep is disturbed too much.

squeakytoy · 10/10/2011 23:19

if there are toddlers in the house, Ops husband is going to struggle to sleep during the day anyway...

ChippingIn · 10/10/2011 23:19

Because Maypole - the kids need picking up from school. The OP is at work. He is a Father that's WHY he needs to do it.

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