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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not expect my husband to sleep all day just because he's nightshift?

149 replies

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 10/10/2011 22:38

I fear I may have lost prespective , I'm so bloody damn mad at him. So I'll ask the MN jury if its me, or is he being unreasonable...

Ok, so my DH is nightshift for the next few months, working from 10pm till 6am sunday night till friday morning. I work too, four days a week. We have four kids, aged 7, 5 and 2 year old twins.

Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to get up two days a week and pick up the boys after school, go get the twins and feed them (i'm in about 6). Not every day, no no TWO days a week.

Point 2. The weekends. Now I realise that keeping to a nigshift pattern would make sense at the weekends if he was a single guy or it was just him an I. But its not, we have kids, and lying in bed all day while I look after them myself and staying up most of the night is not reasonable.

So am I??

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 23:19

Why cant he do the mornings? He should because he is wide awake.

Sorry but unless you have done nights you have no idea what it is like, the stress, the lack of sleep, the need to change sleep patterns at the weekend to accomodate the family.

If you cannot handle it then get him to get a day job paying less.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 10/10/2011 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 23:20

Why do the kids only need collecting two days?

Pay someone to get them.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 10/10/2011 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maypole1 · 10/10/2011 23:21

I know, working nights its just so different switchtvoffdosomelessboring why don't you try sleeping with a recording of

Dogs barking
Foxes screaming
People knocking the door
People chatting outside your house
Birds
Cars
And see how you fair if you still think its the same with sleeping at night then fair dues

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 23:21

A close friend works nights and can never sleep when she gets home, my father worked nights he could never sleep until 12pm, my mother was a nurse and couldn't do it either. Going home and crashing into bed is no life either. On the road to high blood pressure and a heart attack if all you do is work and nothing else. Everybody needs a breather.

squeakytoy · 10/10/2011 23:21

Do you work full time as well OP?

It might be better all round to use a childminder if you can afford it between the two of you.

Original poster
switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 10/10/2011 23:21

Right fabby so he should do fuck all he h to work so hard, poor him?

Its ok I never get tired Hmm

OP posts:
maypole1 · 10/10/2011 23:23

Dam right poor him if you were his wife poor him indeed

dreamingbohemian · 10/10/2011 23:23

I think it's interesting that so many people here are assuming/saying he needs a full 8 hours sleep.

I don't know many people with young kids where both parents get a full 8 hours every night, certainly it's possible to get by on 6 or 7 if you have to.

I used to work nights, til about 5 am, I'd be in bed by 6.30 and sleep til 1. I found it physically impossible to sleep all day.

So I don't think it's totally unreasonable to ask, but I'm wondering why you want him to? If he was working days he wouldn't be able to do the school run, so you must already have some childcare in place for it?

squeakytoy · 10/10/2011 23:23

I worked nights when I was in my early 20's and single. I did it for a year and it was hell.

I cant sleep properly in the day time.. I doze, but its never a solid 7 or 8 hour sleep. I felt like I was on auto pilot most of the time, and in winter I dont think I actually saw daylight at all. That is really not at all good for your health.

Original poster
switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 10/10/2011 23:24

Sorry, Didn't mean to be rude Fabby.

OP posts:
begonyabampot · 10/10/2011 23:24

Worked nightshirt and it really is shit and different from days, you can't compare the two. Don't people who do nights, generally have a shorter lifespan?

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 23:24

No he should get a day job to shut you up.

Why don't you swap with him then come back and tell us your husband says you can't sleep and have to be a good girl and go to bed and get up when he says so.

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 23:25

If you are tired what the fuck are you still doing up> Seriously you moan about getting up early and its half 11 and here you are still awake!

You go to sleep earlier!

Cassettetapeandpencil · 10/10/2011 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 23:26

Anyhoos talking of kip, Ive to be up myself for a days graft at 5.45am, oh and I've a dog to walk too jeeeez all before I go to work.

Good night.

Go to sleep OP and reconsider your sleep pattern if you are tired it is because you aren't getting enough zzzzzzzzzzzzzz's.

scurryfunge · 10/10/2011 23:26

You do what is best for your children and if it means that both of you will be sleep deprived at some point, then so be it. It is about sharing the workload and appreciating that both of you need to make compromises in terms of adequate rest.

worraliberty · 10/10/2011 23:27

my husband i feel sorry for, he has 6am-2pm 2pm-10pm and 10pm -6am on a 3 week rota. his eating ans sleep habits are all over he place and as a family we can't get into a routine

My DH does exactly the same AuntiePickle but we're not in Wales Shock

troisgarcons · 10/10/2011 23:28

This place is bloody surreal at times.

There is a hard core of women who dont want an equal partner nor value their partner - they just want a cheque book, au pair, cleaner, childminder, chef all rolled into one so they can fuck about on MN all bloody day.

maypole1 · 10/10/2011 23:29

To be honest child minders coast around £5 a hour is the op really saying shouldn't afford £20 a week for minder to pick the kids up 2 days a weeks for I hour or so I am sure oh wouldn't mind paying it

Original poster
switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 10/10/2011 23:29

My mum watches the twins three days a week and gets the boys after school and I will pick them up after work. I don't work a Wednesday and my MIL watches them a Friday. So on a Tuesday,Wednesday and Fri he is free so sleep until 9pm if he wants. So getting up early twice a week doesn't, to me, seem unreasonable.

My mum could and would get the boys after school everyday however given the amount she already does for us I feel asking this is to much.

OP posts:
InWithTheITCrowd · 10/10/2011 23:30

Actually, i don't think yabu. He could definitely do the school pick-up on the friday, and one other day probably wouldn't be too much of a stretch if he could maybe get his head down for a couple of hours after you get in at 6, OP.
As for weekends, well, his shifts mean that there is little room for daytime adjustment, but maybe you could plan for a couple of hours each day family time, so you can fit in round each other?
Is there no way he could do the school run in the morning rather than the evening?

SpectralHarrassmentPandaPop · 10/10/2011 23:31

YANBU. So long as he's getting at least 7 hours he shouldn't need to sleep all day. He shouldn't be dossing around when he gets in either. A bite to eat and a little time to digest and he should get to bed.
DH doesn't do nights but often does a late evening shift that gets him in around 2 am. He comes pretty much straight to bed. If he unwound for 2 hrs he would just fall asleep on the sofa.

maypole1 · 10/10/2011 23:33

Oh yeas driving the kids after a full night of know sleep that seems really safe

My oh was so tired after a night shiv he missed his train stop not just a few he ened up in oxford at the last stop

I would never get in a car with my oh after he had just dine a night shiv nor allow the kids