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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not expect my husband to sleep all day just because he's nightshift?

149 replies

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 10/10/2011 22:38

I fear I may have lost prespective , I'm so bloody damn mad at him. So I'll ask the MN jury if its me, or is he being unreasonable...

Ok, so my DH is nightshift for the next few months, working from 10pm till 6am sunday night till friday morning. I work too, four days a week. We have four kids, aged 7, 5 and 2 year old twins.

Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to get up two days a week and pick up the boys after school, go get the twins and feed them (i'm in about 6). Not every day, no no TWO days a week.

Point 2. The weekends. Now I realise that keeping to a nigshift pattern would make sense at the weekends if he was a single guy or it was just him an I. But its not, we have kids, and lying in bed all day while I look after them myself and staying up most of the night is not reasonable.

So am I??

OP posts:

christmashope · 11/10/2011 07:23

My dad worked nightshirt during all of my childhood and my mum worked through the day for a few hours, my dad used to sleep from 8am to 12 noon then get up so he could look after my sister and I when mum was at work then when mum came home at teatime he would head to his bed for a couple of hours from 5.30pm to 8pm before starting his nightshirt at 9pm.
I dont think that the op is being unreasonable at all. I think that needs must and they need to work as a team however hard it gets.

halcyondays · 11/10/2011 08:02

But in the OP's case, it isn't needs must as they are lucky enough to have family who are happy to help out. Getting your sleep is important and if a family member can help out then he wouldn't need to do it.

whackamole · 11/10/2011 08:03

Without reading the whole thread...

YANBU. I have just typed a whole post about my OH letting me get up at 5.30 this morning with our twins while he kips in (his morning BTW!) when I am 38 weeks pregnant and he KNOWS I am not sleeping well at all.

Hacks me off. Why is it that I can function on going to bed at 11 and waking at 6, but if he does this he has to bring down a pillow so he can doze, allow the children to wreck the living room and throw their breakfast round the kitchen, then probably have a nap in the afternoon? It's like he's about 13!

MelodyPond · 11/10/2011 08:16

YANBU at all. Nope. Not one bit. And actually some of the responses have really pissed me off.

Presumably they are his children too? So why the Hell is it up to you? All you? You work too, why is the childcare organisation down to you?

My dh works shifts, when he does night shifts he gets in at 7, as I leave. He sorts the kids and drops them off, then goes to bed at 8 until 4. Wtf is wrong with that?

I have to work and then drive round collecting the kids, get them home, homework done, dinner, bath, bed. All after being out of the house for 11 hours.

It's bloody life isn't it?!

Op, yanbu!

Cassettetapeandpencil · 11/10/2011 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 11/10/2011 08:23

Yanbu.

That's what I do every night I work which is 3, sometimes 4 nights a week.

I do the school drop off, go to sleep and get up in time to pick them up. I survive!!

Dh has to get to work and can't do it.

Sleeping in the day is different to nights anyway. I don't think many people sleep the whole day like they would if they worked days and slept nights.

belgo · 11/10/2011 08:23

YABU.

I am working night shifts soon and I need to ensure I get enough sleep as any mistakes I make could be very serious indeed.

I am organising my children (also 7,6 and 2) to stay in childcare until 6pm each day so I can get enough sleep.

I imagine that the OP has never worked nights.

MelodyPond · 11/10/2011 08:28

And he will have slept, in the day but he will have slept?! It's not like she's wanting him to not sleep, but they're a family, she is working too, it shouldn't all be on her.

belgo · 11/10/2011 08:31

No of course it shouldn't be all down to her; which is why they need to find after school child care.

If they were both working office hours they would need after school child care.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 11/10/2011 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tyler80 · 11/10/2011 08:38

I think it's hard to judge because sleeping in the day is hard for a lot of people.

When I worked nights I used to get in from work at 7.30 am, have breakfast and be in bed by 8 then get up at 4pm. So what you're suggesting seems perfectly reasonable to me. But I know others who need a wind down, a lot of my colleagues didn't go to sleep until midday.

MelodyPond · 11/10/2011 08:39

Fair enough yes, maybe as its short term, HE could find out about after school care etc. Where are the twins all day op?

I think I'm bitter, dh has worked shifts for years, its one of my hates about life! What about meeeeeee?!

MadBanners · 11/10/2011 09:03

I spent about 7 months doing 2-3 night shifts a week, 7-7:30...and only doing 2-3, it took me a cpl of days to get back into day mode(then i had to try and spend a cpl days getting into night mode for my first night shift the nest week), and when i was doing nights, i could barely eat, felt sick all the time, knackered, even after a sleep.

I never got an unbroken sleep, was always woke by something, either it just being too light, normal noise which if i was up in the day would be fine, but if I am trying to sleep made me irrationally annoyed.

Tbh, if he is doing 5 nights, he does need to stay in night mode on the 2 he is not on. I never could sleep till about 4 am the night after my last night shift, i just could not, i was wide awake. Dh just dealt with it, even though he worked full time in the day, mon - fri, he knew he would be pretty much dealing with the kids himself at a weekend if i was working nights then, or had done one on the thurs/fri.

Although i did use the weekends if i was not working to catch up on sleep, as i only had childcare till 1pm during the week, so after a night shift i was getting at most 5 hours sleep, which by the third night shift was awful!

GnomeDePlume · 11/10/2011 09:04

IMO it depends on why OP's DH is working the night shift. If he is doing it to pay off his gambling and porn debts then the OP INBU. If it is to pay off her gambling and porn debts then she should keep quiet.

If, as is most likely, OP's DH is doing the night shift because that is what comes with his job, and jobs are hard to find and keep these days, then the OP and her DH need to have a talk and a think. They may also need to give OP's DH time to settle into a pattern so that he can find out what works for him.

It is very easy for people to say I did this or I did that but we are all different. Some people can function on little sleep, some people are early morning people, some people are evening people. The OP and her DH need to work it out for themselves but with consideration for each other. This is a new situation.

So YABU until you and your DH have discussed this properly.

pinkyp · 11/10/2011 09:17

Yabu. When you get in at 6pm go straight to bed then wake up at 2am and stay up. I agree your dh doesn't need to sleep for ages but he'll need some time after work to relax / have some tea. Do you not have tea after work/ watch tv/ go on mumsnet? Perhaps he could take the children to school everymorning after work? Then sleep.

TipOfTheSlung · 11/10/2011 09:22

Is this entitled to 8 hours broken sleep an eu thing? Is it written anyhere in a way that small children would understand?

dreamingbohemian · 11/10/2011 09:47

Tip

brodyboo · 11/10/2011 09:55

YANBU.
I work 3 nights a week. After my first night I maybe get a couple of hours sleep after girls have gone to bed, after my second night my mum has my youngest dd so I have a couple of hours before picking up dd1 from pre-school, then another couple of hours once girls in bed again. After 3rd night I dont sleep at all so can go to bed as normal that night. I dont think getting up early twice a week is asking to much.

GalaxyWeaver · 11/10/2011 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fixture · 11/10/2011 10:13

YABU

shesparkles · 11/10/2011 10:20

I'm loving the obvious divide between people who have worked nightshifts and those who haven't!
My dh used to do nights, and I thought like the OP, that he should be able to "get up a bit early" and function as a human

THEN I started working nights-oh how I laughed!

This is my average "sleep" pattern

7am (or 9am on weekdays when I have to get the kids out ) get to bed

8am (or 10am) nod off to sleep

11am (this doesn't change) waken for a pee

midday doze off again

1pm waken for another pee

2pm give up on the idea of sleep and lie in bed with thumping headache

Multiply that by 7 nights on the trot and THEN ask if YABU

Almost without exception, this is the rough sleep pattern of people I work with. The quality of sleep you get during the day is nothing like night time sleep-even a broken nighttime sleep

kitya · 11/10/2011 10:23

As someone who got in from work at 9am this morning I have to say YABU. Night shifts are not the same as working in the day. No way. The noise outside increases by ten fold, the sleep is never the same. And, its dangerous for all concerned if you dont get enough kip. Im off today so shall go to bed in a minute when I have finished messing on here and, hopefully get up again at 1pm. Other then that I go to bed by 930 and wake up at 1700 and, am out the house by 1915pm. I have no life when I am on nights!! thats how it should be though, so I can concentrate on my job.

I havent read every page so, could I please ask what he does? Is it physically demanding? does he need to be mentally on the ball? if the answers yes then, YABVU.

It takes five years off your life, so they say. The recovery is worse the older you get as well.

GalaxyWeaver · 11/10/2011 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 11/10/2011 10:30

So I have taken on board all your replies and asked him this morning if he would prefer if I go to work for 7am so I can get home and get the kids from school and he does the morning school run. And he turned me down flat (granted one of the twins was having a tantrum in the background and he probably was thinking 'fuck that'). He says he likes to relax and wind down in the morning and that if he had to do the school run (which granted isn't exactly my favourite part of the day) he would be wound up and wouldn't sleep till lunchtime.

Oh and by getting up at the weekend with us I don't mean at 10am or even lunchtime. Saturday he got up at 2 and Sunday at 6.30.

A few poster have asked if i would like to get up at 3am and do the school run. Well no of course I wouldn't. But I would, as they are my children and my responsibility. And I would do it without moaning and groaning and being grumpy.

Its not ideal but its life. He is their dad. I expect him to pull his weight. He can sleep from 7am till 9pm 5 days a week if he wants. Twice I ask him to get up early. I don't think thats to much to ask.

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 11/10/2011 10:37

My husband works a rotation of shifts - his nightshifts are 9pm - 7am, he comes in from work then sits for about an hour. He goes to sleep for 7 hours so if he's in bed for 9am he's up at 4pm. On the morning of his last shift, he sleeps for 4-5 hours so he's up at lunchtime. He also sleeps for 3 hours in the afternoon of his first night shift.

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