to not expect my husband to sleep all day just because he's nightshift?

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

I fear I may have lost prespective , I'm so bloody damn mad at him. So I'll ask the MN jury if its me, or is he being unreasonable...

Ok, so my DH is nightshift for the next few months, working from 10pm till 6am sunday night till friday morning. I work too, four days a week. We have four kids, aged 7, 5 and 2 year old twins.

Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to get up two days a week and pick up the boys after school, go get the twins and feed them (i'm in about 6). Not every day, no no TWO days a week.

Point 2. The weekends. Now I realise that keeping to a nigshift pattern would make sense at the weekends if he was a single guy or it was just him an I. But its not, we have kids, and lying in bed all day while I look after them myself and staying up most of the night is not reasonable.

So am I??

I'm currently undergoing dental treatment that means I'm getting up 2-3hrs earlier than normal, once a week, and I am a crabbit cow on those days. Just losing that amount is really throwing out my system; I couldn't imagine doing it twice a week for the next couple of months.

SpectralHarrassmentPandaPop like you said your oh dose not work nights so yu have no clue

Maypole, driving?? I don't think I mentioned driving? I can literally see the school out my window and the girls are a 5 minute walk away. No driving involved.

It isn't a full night of no sleep, though, is it? If, on those two days, op's dh goes to sleep at around 8.30-ish, he could get about 5 or 6 hours in, pick the kids up, and then sleep a bit later if he needs to. Just a couple of times a week shouldn't be too bad, although it very much depends on the individual. Some could do it, some couldn't, so maybe he could just trial it.
I often sleep less than 6 hours, and i'm ok, but not everyone would necessarily be. Only op and op's dh can judge the safety aspect.

A bit to eat and a little time to digest is what you do on late shift when you get home at 2am.

When you come off a nightshift, it's no different (to your body clock) than coming home at 5pm and then having a bit to eat and going straight to bed...who could realistically be expected to do that?

I send dd to the childminders ratherbthan pick her up.

My dad worked nights Maypole. He didn't twat around for hours on end after work either.

When I was studying/just starting out in my career, I worked nightshifts in a factory sometimes.

I find it quite surprising that some people who've never worked nights think they understand what it's like and claim it's not an issue..

As someone else said, your body gets into a complete mess. I too used to feel terrible sometimes, nauseous and unable to eat, other times not knowing whether to eat breakfast or dinner. Then there's the interrupted sleep, bouts of insomnia alternated with exhaustion and feeling like you're in a daze when you try to get up early.

I don't think you need hours and hours after a night shift to unwind. Especially if you get up earlier the day before, you're nice and exhausted by the end.

Think about all the people who work long hours, get home at 8 or 9, do they stay up til 2 am? No, they get some dinner, chill out a bit, go to bed, because they have to be up early again in the morning.

OP I think given your situation, YANBU to ask him to do this two days a week. If the school is a 5 minute walk away he can still sleep quite late and just roll out of bed, he should be fine.

I also think you should take advantage of him wanting to be up all night on the weekends -- get some earplugs, go to bed, and get a good night's sleep yourself for once!

When I worked nightshifts, I got home around 8am, no school run needed. Could never sleep before about 11am, got up again about 3.30pm for the dc coming home and to cook their evening meal. Which would be my breakfast, and believe me mince and tatties for breakfast doesn't encourage you to eat much.

I'd doze in an armchair from about 7pm to 9pm, then set off for work again. I felt sick a lot of the time, and lost a stone and a half in 18 months; not a good thing when you started at 8 stone. I caught a cold one winter, which developed into pneumonia because I hadn't the resources to fight it off.

I'm glad I'm not doing that any more.

nightshift is my greatest fear. i couldn't imagine having to work all night and sleep during the day, i could party all night and sleep all day but thats a different matter and after two days would probably die. sleep is very very important. the closest i have done to night shift is jet lag and sleeping during the day is horrible, i have to be falling down tired and because my body clock is messed up i won't get the same quality of sleep even if i do sleep for a long time. night shift goes against your body and your body will fight back.

Think about all the people who work long hours, get home at 8 or 9, do they stay up til 2 am? No, they get some dinner, chill out a bit, go to bed, because they have to be up early again in the morning.

With respect, that's completely different though isn't it? You're naturally inclined to want to sleep within a few of hours of getting home at 8/9pm.

When you arrive home from nights and it's just becoming daylight and with the accompanying noises of the rest of the world waking up, you don't know whether you're coming or going! I can understand someone needing a good few hours to unwind, with that in mind. Personally I used to go to bed within an hour of getting in but a lot of people just can't manage it.

Our situation is different as the youngest DC has just gone to school full time and it's made things so much easier for us sleep wise. I work 2-3 nights a week and DP works 5 nights a week. We've both got 2 DC each from previous relatationships meaning that my 2 aren't home Fri and Sat night (which are the nights I work every week and I sometimes work a Thurs). We have the other 2 DC Weds and Sun night. DP's days off are Weds and Thurs.

Same shift as OP's DH (10pm-6am) my DP is usually in bed just before 7.30am (when I get up with DC) and tends to get up around 4-5pm. On Weds though (1st night off) he has to get up at 2pm to collect his 2 DC but this means that by 9pm that night he's often falling asleep (meaning we don't get much of an evening together) although sometimes if he gets past this tired stage he'll get a second wind so to speak and be up to the early hours. He has to be up at 7am regardless on Thurs to get his DC to their schools (whilst I'm getting my 2 up ready for their school day - the schools are 7 miles apart). Thursday we're both off (unless I'm working overtime that night the I'll try and sleep whilst the DC are at school) so have some time to spend together. Thurs night depends on what time he slept the night before really. Friday he'll get up at around 7.30 - 8am with me (if I've worked the night before I stay up to get the DC ready and take them to school) and then will have the day free sometimes having a nap in the afternoon (DC don't need picking up on a Fri - ExH collects them).

We both work Fri night, I always try to sleep even if just for an hour before my 1st shift in otherwise I've no energy at work and it's a killer. Sometimes though it's really difficult to sleep because I'm in day mode and my mind is wide awake. DP doesn't always sleep before his 1st shift on the Fri (even though I try to encourage him to because I can see an improvement in his energy/mood if he does, he's a big boy though so it's up to him). Saturday am we sometimes potter for a few hours but we have this luxury (I do think it's a luxury when you have DC) because there are no DC home on Sat so we can sleep as long as we like...and we do! Sometimes though we are both exhausted because are jobs are physically demanding and the minute we sit down we're asleep within half an hour (this also all depends on the amount of sleep from the day before).

Sunday we try to get to sleep asap but this is difficult as our bodies are starting to adjust to night mode so you tend to be a bit more awake after the 2nd night plus the last couple of hours of our shift tend to be particularly busy. I have to be up just before 1pm when my 2 DC are dropped off and this is difficult! I tend to get about 4-5 hours sleep on the Sun and I do feel a bit ill and lacking in energy all day (I sometimes only get 4-5 hours sleep in the week but during the night but don't feel half as bad the next day as I do after a night shift). DP is up at 2.30pm to collect his DC even though he works Sun night (I don't work Sun) and he usually manages this quite well. He used to be up at 12.30pm on Sun to collect them but we had to change this because it didn't work for anyone - he was moody and didn't feel safe to be driving straightaway.

So I guess I'm undecided as to whether YABU or not as I think 2 days getting up to collect the DC at 3pm isn't the end of the world (although it won't be easy) but on those days OP's DH must try to get to sleep asap knowing the time he has to be up, time to unwind when you're a parent IMO is a bit of a luxury. This can be easier said than done but even when you sleep at night sometimes you can't get to sleep straightaway despite having to be up early, you just have to get on with it.

In OP's DHs defence however sleeping in the daytime in my experience is not the same as sleeping at night. I never feel completely rested after sleeping in the day and seem to feel a bit fuzzy headed, it also wreaks havoc with your appetite. From what OP has said though it seems her DH has to be up early on Monday (after his 1st night shift) which I could see being very difficult as the day after the 1st night shift is when I find that my DP and I need to sleep longer if possible. OP's DH shouldn't have any problem collecting the DC on the Fri though as he's not in work that night.

Sorry for rambling!

I used to work 8pm-5am and get up at 8 am to sort ds for school then go back to bed for a few hours. I don't need much sleep to function though. DH sleeps loads, if he gets up before 11 am he needs a nap and he works days!

Yanbu

I work night, have done for 6 years. I go to bed at about 0830 and am asleep by 0840. It's not hard. Fucking about for 2 hours is a luxury and completely unrealistic if there are children to manage. I know lots of nightworkers and have never met anyone who isn't in bed as soon as they can be! Most people go to bed and then get up and do the school run immediate, it's not much fun but it is necessary.

Fwiw op, I don't think Yabu.

Fabby you make me

YABU when I did nights I had to reverse my days completely. so for me it's like you saying he shouldn't sleep all night if he works days, or if he gets in at 6pm in the evening he shouldn't wind done and have some food etc, let it settle, but should get straight into bed when he gets through the door. Can anyone switch off that quickly? sometimes after nights I was so shattered I did go straight to sleep, but other mornings I'ld go to the gym, have "dinner", then sleep at 10am ish (like a day worker would do after work) - if I did the latter it was much more sustainable

Yanbu to expect him to pick dc up twice a week, I've worked shifts including nights and had to take dc to school and pick them up

I used to do the MORNING school run then go to bed -I could manage the morning school run much MUCH better than I could have the afternoon one.

Morning school run - the equivalent of doing the food shopping on your way home from work. Afternoon school run - like going out to do the food shopping at 3am for anyone working days.

Get your DH to lighten the load by doing the MORNING school run, that would affect him a lot less that asking to do a school run in what is effectively the middle of the night to him. Find alternative childcare for the two afternoon pick-ups that are causing the problem.

Alternatively, get your DH to get a daytime job, paying less money (won't get extra for unsociable hours).

OP - would YOU be able to drag yourself out of bed at 3AM to go out and go food shopping? If not, then YABVU to expect your DH to do that, as it is a direct equivalent.

Yabu your Dh is entitled to eight hours sleep!

I'm only awake now to try and adjust my body clock somewhat before I go back on nights. I will also be on the 10pm - 6am shift.

If he's having a bit of downtime but getting to bed at around 8am and you're asking him to get up around 3am for the school run YANBU. It's only 2 days a week, and as long as he's able to have a quick drink/snack when he gets in he should be fine.

YABU when it comes to the weekends. Unless you've done nights you have no idea how hard it is to adjust your body clock back to days. I'm not saying he should be staying up all night, but a 2am bedtime is not unreasonable for a 6am finish on a Monday night/Tuesday morning! It wouldn't kill you to let him have a bit of a lie in on a Saturday and Sunday until 10am ish, which is enough time for you to still have your day as a family.

Every time I read a thread like this I thank God that my DP understands the concept of being at work while he's asleep, and needing to sleep while he is awake!

Sorry that should have been 3pm*

Well, I didn't know that getting home from work, making packed lunches, eating my tea (at stupid o'clock in the morning) etc counted as fucking about, and a luxury, simply because I work night shift.

FWIW everyone I work with is night shift (obvs), and none of us can manage to get to sleep straight away, even those without children.

On a lighter note, I recall one day when I'd just finished a run of 6, 10-hour nightshifts. It was a Friday morning and I was shattered and emotionally in pieces, so I decided to Have A Drink before sleep. That would be the day my local (and really quite lovely) JW decided to pop round... She never came back.

OP I suggest you try night shift working to experience it, YAB totally U.