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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about dh's bonus

283 replies

bath4 · 09/10/2011 21:02

Dh has a good job and earns enough for me to be a SAHP. We have a joint account which I rarely use and a joint credit card. I use this for day to day stuff. I don't spend a fortune on myself. Just buy essentials.
DH has just received a bonus. He has spent £200 on stuff for himself and £50 on each of 3 dc's. He has never said to me why don't you get something too.
Now in theory I could buy something but its not really about that.
I just want to treated as an equal. My contribution to household may not be monetary but its still important.
AIBU

OP posts:
eaglewings · 09/10/2011 21:04

I think you should get double for doing the most important job in the world

NinkyNonker · 09/10/2011 21:05

Well, does it all go into the same pot? Mo reason you shouldn't get yourself something but I agree it would be nice to be thought of.

GypsyMoth · 09/10/2011 21:06

How much is left?

squeakytoy · 09/10/2011 21:07

maybe he does view you as an equal and therefore doesnt feel he needs to "give you permission" to spend the money as you see fit..

cantspel · 09/10/2011 21:08

If he has put it in the joint account then he has treated you as an equal as you have as much access to the money as he has.

What would you rather he do. Pop a £50 note in your bra and say treat yourself darling?

Pandygirl · 09/10/2011 21:08

Do you know that he hasn't bought you a suprise gift? Have you "earned" a bonus as well for your SAHPing? :o

BatsUpMeNightie · 09/10/2011 21:09

YY @ cantspel - exactly!

Original poster
bath4 · 09/10/2011 21:34

I suppose I could just buy myself something. However, the joint accont is to a certain extent joint account on paper only. He does all the balancing etc.
In fact on one occassion when the credit card expenditure was higher one month I was asked not is these words but words to the effect of "What are you spending my money on?
And no there was no surprise gift.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 09/10/2011 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bath4 · 09/10/2011 21:44

It was a one off but I was not impressed to say the least.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 21:50

yes yabu,its his bonus he worked for it,put in the hours.let him spend how how choses.you cannot expect automatic dibs on hos bonus

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 21:52

I'm with Squeaky (yet again!). I'd say that he views you as equal and doesn't expect you to ask as a child would be required to before you spent money.

Uppity · 09/10/2011 21:52

You enabled him to work those hours, he would have had to look after his children if you hadn't done it for free, so you do have the right to benefit from it.

I don't like the sound of him demanding that you account for the expenditure of "his" money. Sounds like he's a bit confused about this partnership thingummy.

Original poster
bath4 · 09/10/2011 21:54

Maybe than I shouldn't have used part of my inheritance to pay for his car service.

OP posts:
duckdodgers · 09/10/2011 21:54

I think this is about more than just how he spent or didnt spend his bonus tbh, and probably represents something that you feel in the relationship about being unequally generally. I disagree with scottishmummy actually, my DH is a SAHD and my salary is joint as far as Im concerned , its all family finances.

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 21:55

its a bonus for hours he worked,op doesnt work
what next a housewife premium. a bonus for not working
behave

squeakytoy · 09/10/2011 21:57

In fact on one occassion when the credit card expenditure was higher one month I was asked not is these words but words to the effect of "What are you spending my money on?

So he didnt actually say MY MONEY... I think that makes a difference.

It sounds like you are assuming and over thinking it.

Why not just say "I am going getting my hair done tomorrow as my treat from the bonus"... dont ask.. dont say "is that ok?".. just state it as a fact, and see what he says... it is no good just simmering about it but saying nothing, he isnt a mind reader.

Hulababy · 09/10/2011 21:58

The reason why her DH can go out to work, put int he extra hours, be there and all that is because the OP stays home and cares for their children. If she went out to work to then he may be in a position where he is unable to do that and therefore make no bonus at all.

I work PT and earn a small wage.. DH works FT, earns a big wage and get big payouts every so often. It all goes in the one pot for us all as a family. We believe it is a joint venture and all income that comes in is for us all. If I worked FT, DH wouldn't be able to do what he does to the same extent - so we all do our bit.

Original poster
bath4 · 09/10/2011 21:59

Thats what I thought uppity. I guess I am just feeling undervalued. Maybe now now is the time to return to work.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 09/10/2011 21:59

Its either a joint account, or it isnt.

Pooled funds, or not.

frankly - I just dont get the 'asking' to spend money thing. Its either an equal relationship or it isn't . If it isn't - get out and earn your own money.

squeakytoy · 09/10/2011 22:00

SM if it is a bonus for the extra hours he worked, then OP had extra hours of being sole carer to the children... if she wasnt there, he may not be able to do those extra hours to get his bonus...

They are a family, and if a bonus is being used to treat the family, then that should include everyone in it. OP shouldnt have to ask for permission though.

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 22:02

yes do return to work stop hoping for dibs on his bonus
earn your own money,that's your bonus

isthisweird · 09/10/2011 22:03

Scottishmummy, do you just put the acronym 'SAHM' into the search function every hour to make sure you don't miss one of these threads, or is it some kind of sixth sense that always tells you when one is on the go?

Original poster
bath4 · 09/10/2011 22:03

Mybe I am overthinking it. Yet its funny that when money is tight and we talk about making savings the expenditure that seems to get the most scrutiny is things like groceries. Yet its never the Sky subscription or football expenditure.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 22:04

its quite straightforward op,go back to work.