about dh's bonus

[bath4]

Dh has a good job and earns enough for me to be a SAHP. We have a joint account which I rarely use and a joint credit card. I use this for day to day stuff. I don't spend a fortune on myself. Just buy essentials.
DH has just received a bonus. He has spent £200 on stuff for himself and £50 on each of 3 dc's. He has never said to me why don't you get something too.
Now in theory I could buy something but its not really about that.
I just want to treated as an equal. My contribution to household may not be monetary but its still important.
AIBU

Well, I spent DH's last bonus on two new stables and a new horse

He doesn't ride, by the way.

If the deal you've struck is that he earns the money and you run the home - that's the deal. Not "some of the money, and some I spend on an iPad". You have as much right to treat yourself as he does.

The reason people kick up about bonuses is because they're there as a reward, there's an incentive for some people to treat them as being "outside" normal remuneration. They're not. Arguably, an inheritance would be - but he hoovered yours up for his car insurance.

If he insists on saying his bonus is his own money, tell him you'll have your inheritance back, please, thank you very much. I'm horrified he treated himself and the children, and you had nothing. He's taking you spectacularly for granted.

so what did he say when you discussed the issue of the bonus with him

Laughing at sm repeatedly saying 'get a job' over and over. I am a sahm, dh gets quite a good bonus normally and we discuss together how it will be spent. We both get some spending money out of it and any suggestion of his money (normally a joke on his part) is swiftly sat on!

This is why I always recommend that couples should have a joint account for bills, household and child-related stuff, but separate accounts (with equal amounts going in) for spending money.

It means that you don't have to stress about whether you are allowed to spend the money or not.

I don't believe that the bonus should be his. It's a partnership. If it's performance related, then it's his achievement, but it's been supported the whole way by the OP.
If the bonus should just be his, then where is the OPs bonus?
bath4, maybe you could get a weekend job, it would mean that your DH would have to give up football, but at least you'll be back in time to cover childcare for the chief wage earner!

A treat for himself and the rest in the joint account is what my DH does with his bonus too, but I don't mind at all. He is very thoughtful and generous and I get 'just because' presents most months, sometimes small things sometimes bigger. So I'm quite glad that when he gets his bonus he gets something just for himself that he really wants.

Trills that's what I think - just a joint account without boundaries will always lead to resentment.

So Bath, what do you think he would say if you said to him "That was a nice bonus you got but I'm wondering how come you used it on the kids and yourself but didn't think of including me?"

Are you reluctant to bring up any topics to do with money with him?

Dh is the sole earner in our house. I do earn little bits here and there, selling things i make but its only around £500 a year and gets spent on a holiday or redecoration of a room etc. We have a joint account for bills and dh puts money in my personal account for food shopping, dc clothes, shoes etc and my clothes etc and dh has money to spend on himself.

Dh gets a Christmas bonus and he spends 10% on something for himself he will then buy me a treat that's also 10% the rest goes into a joint savings account that gets spent on the family. Occasionally dh gets treated by the partners in his firm (meals out etc) he then inturn treats me (a pair of shoes or a handbag!) His thinking is, with out me he couldn5 have the career he loves and enjoys, without me he couldn't get the bonus and with out me he wouldnt be treated so I deserve the same!

It works for us, buy wouldnt necessarily work for everyone. But op you do drserve to be treated. Where does your bonus come from? You work just as hard as him.

The OP obviously wants to be a SAHM mum, if she didnt she'd be working and they would arrange childcare. If she had a career before children, then it was her choice to give it up, nobody would have forced her. The same as everybody assumes the wage earner can only work as the other partner is home despite there being nannies and many other forms of childcare.

I'm on the fence re the bonus, if he is the only one bringing income into the household then that it a large burden to bear and he should be able to buy himself something from the money he has worked hard to get. Being a SAHP isnt a job however much people try to make it out to be. Looking after children is what parents do and housework is what adults do, its not a job but simply something that everyone does.

YANBU- Its the other way round here, I work full time and OH is a SAHD. I earn commission on top of my base salary (variable). Every month on payday we sit down and deduct however much we need for bills which stays in the main account for direct debits including a small amount which goes to our regular savings then whatever is left is divided by 2 he tells me how much of that he can afford to put in savings that month and I tranfer £x into the savngs account and tranfer the remainder of his half into his own account. (I do the same with my half). What you've described seems really unfair

Thats a fair and balanced post from happymummy.
It's not about bashing SAHM. The point is, you don't always 'need' to have one parent at home to 'enable' the other to earn. There are many forms of childcare available and subsidies too nowadays.
If the op had wanted to continue in her working role, she could have chosen to do so. Even if childcare costs were the equivalent of her earnings, she could have done it, with both her and her dhs incomes paying towards the costs. Plenty of women do that. When we had our dc, I could have given up work and lived (fairly frugally) on his income. Or he could have given up work and we'd have lived (fairly frugally) on one income. Or we could both continue working and pay pretty large amounts of childcare but both maintain our careers- which is what we chose to do. There is no definitive 'right' or 'wrong' here- but I do think people should be honest about the choices they've made. You don't NEED to have a parent at home to 'allow' the other to work- many families have parents who both work. And looking after children is not a job. Yes, it can be hard work at times but a job it ain't! Its our own choice to have kids- no one is going to pay us for it!

^If I were to put my psychiatrists hat on I could say that Scottishmummy has ishoos about this, big ishoos because underneath she is pissed off she doesn't have the choices other women have so she shits on them to make herself feel better.
Now, whether she hasn't the choices because her partner ( and as they are unmarried her position is, of course, far more precarious than a housewife) doesn't command the sort of salary that enables her to be a SAHP or whether he is the sort of man who insists his money belongs to him, we don't know.^

Honestly, MilicentBystander, this is wrong on so many levels. I tend to disagree with Scottishmummy on many things but to consider her postion precarious because she's not married? Is this the 50s?

Many of us working (or part time working) women simply
a)like our jobs
b)don't feel confident about being dependant on anybody financially

that doesn't mean we don't like our lives and envy SAHMS!

I have worked out that paying for childcare for 3 children at the moment would be more than I am likely to earn. I honestly don't see the point in that. It would be ok if subsidies were available ie wtc but they are not.
However, other have put the nail on the head when they say this is about being appreciated.
I think we also have serious problems with money issues. Ladies you have confirmed this is the case. He clearly believes the household money is his money. On this occassion he didn't even ask my opinion before he spent the £200.00. Incidently when he has done this I have always said yes.
Another time my mum took me and the dc away on holiday. He couldn't come as he didn't have enough holiday. Mum paid for the holiday although I did need spending money for the holiday. When the travel money appeared on the statement his attitute was that he didn't think this holiday was going to cost any of his money.

For all the ways of looking at the role of SAHM - whether you consider it a privilege or not, a job or not, financially imprudent, or significantly better for your children than the alternatives (or not) - it does have economic value. The same as changing the oil on your car has economic value, or making your own furniture, or growing your own food. Once you have children, it is necessary to the functioning of the household, not a leisure activity. You can and many people successfully do, out source it. But outsourcing most of the necessities of life is a relatively new phenomenon. It gives us more choice to be able to, but it isn't lacking in economic value just because it can't be measured in our GDP.

I think YABalittleU though OP. Why should your DH buy you a treat? You aren't a child. If you want a treat from the bonus you should go and buy one like your DH does. Act equal, don't act like a child and sulk when you aren't treated like a princess. If, as one of your posts indicates, he doesn't see the money as yours too - then YABU facilitating his entitlement (he is being more U being a self-centered and entitled, but you have more power to change you than him). Give him equal responsibility for your DC(s), tell him you won't be able to cover his erratic hours, he'll have to work that out himself and start up a career (don't forget to charge him for the lost years so far though).

OP I work FT and I support my DP and 2 kids

I think he is BANG out of order, its shared money. OK he deserves a treat but what he wants kids, and but does not apreciate that you look after them?

maybe to get message across you need to start looking as if you are job hunting, give him some childcare brocnhures. ask him what he thinks? just get the point across that are worth alot too

I understand where you are oming from bath wrt not being appreciated and him being of the opinion that it's "his" money however you really need to sit down and talk to him about it.

Its all very well and good asking posters to tell you what they think but if that is all you do and you don't confront the problem you are just going to get more resentful about hte situation.

Would sitting down and laying some ground rules out help do you think? Or are you scared to broachthe subject with your husband for any reason?

We both work here but if we have a third child (DC2 due in Feb) then I would more than likely become a SAHM because childcare would eat up my salary and then some but DH would be under no illusions that all money coming into the house would be ours and not just his.

This thread is really a preable to sitting down and talking. I wanted to canvass opinion on this one 1st before having a frank conversation about this issue.

SuchProspects I am not really suggesting that he should buy me a treat. I just feel it would be nice if he said whilst we were out shopping why don't you pick something too as I am treating myself and the children.
I am just feeling a bit like I come last in his list of priorities at the moment.

"Yet its funny that when money is tight and we talk about making savings the expenditure that seems to get the most scrutiny is things like groceries. Yet its never the Sky subscription or football expenditure."

SNAP!!!!! Sounds like he was being a bit thoughtless and not including you. At least he didn't spend it all on himself though.

I don't understand why you didn't just withdraw the money from the joint account to get a treat for yourself

Why do let him make you feel like you need permission, or that you have to wait for an explicit go-ahead from him ?

I think you have quite a lot to sort out here, starting with yourself, tbh

If he's referring to to it as 'his' money then I do think you have a problem. I'm in the same situation as you but my DH has NEVER made me feel like I have no choice because I'm not earning. There are a lot of things that we save on, because I'm at home to do it! It sounds like you feel you have to justify your role to him in terms of what value you bring to the family which is not a comfortable situation. But maybe if you're honest, you are also not quite comfortable with the fact that you no longer have an income. It's a tricky one, and it does take some time to get used to, and for some people they never feel right. Only you can decide that, but get it straight in your own head what you'd like to do before you talk to him.... stay at home with his support (I'm meaning emotional rather than financial) or find a route back to work, which will also need his support as he will then be responsible for his full share of child and household duties. Good luck.

Another one thinking its less about the bonus than the fact everyone else got a treat - dh got a rocket up his backside when he went away and brought the dc's gifts and himself and nothing for me! Was most put out - has now been resolved and he ended up worse as he bought me a very nice hoodie! Fool - would have been better to pick up some duty free .

If you don't use the joint account. what money are you using?

I have read the thread & feel I am missing something.

Just buy yourself something. What's the worst than can happen?