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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about dh's bonus

283 replies

bath4 · 09/10/2011 21:02

Dh has a good job and earns enough for me to be a SAHP. We have a joint account which I rarely use and a joint credit card. I use this for day to day stuff. I don't spend a fortune on myself. Just buy essentials.
DH has just received a bonus. He has spent £200 on stuff for himself and £50 on each of 3 dc's. He has never said to me why don't you get something too.
Now in theory I could buy something but its not really about that.
I just want to treated as an equal. My contribution to household may not be monetary but its still important.
AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
bath4 · 10/10/2011 11:38

Yes I could Just go out and buy something. However, it would have been nice to have been thought of at the time. Princessroyalfiggyrolls summed it up nicely.
Thank you betterwhenthe.. definately need some thinking time.

OP posts:
Original poster
bath4 · 10/10/2011 11:40

Use joint credit card mainly. Do occassionly get some cash from joint accout for day to day expenditure.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/10/2011 11:41

Blimey-it wouldn´t bother me at all if my husband treated himself & the children-I´d just treat myself if I wanted to.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 10/10/2011 11:48

I agree with squeaky; just say to him 'I'm buying myself x/going for a spa day as my treat from the bonus money'.

I can see that it would have been nice for him to make sure that you knew you should treat yourself, but it may be true, as has been suggested, that he assumed you knew it was your money as well. If nothing else, telling him what you're going to do with your share of the bonus might kick-start a conversation about exactly whose money it is.

Then you can kick his arse about it. Grin

PigletJohn · 10/10/2011 11:50

"Yet its funny that when money is tight and we talk about making savings the expenditure that seems to get the most scrutiny is things like groceries. Yet its never the Sky subscription or football expenditure."

And neither of the people talking about savings scrutinise them?

AnyCorpseFucker · 10/10/2011 11:52

I would be a bit offended if my DH treated me like one of the children and said "here is some of my money, go and treat yourself (luv)"

I would just do with it ( our money) as I saw fit

coccyx · 10/10/2011 11:57

Go and treat yourself. He hasn't said no has he?
Enjoy

GandTiceandacauldron · 10/10/2011 12:03

Do you have a monthly budget?
I know the money is joint, but is there a budget for stuff?
I don't understand why you use the credit card & not the cash from the joint account.

Anyway, sod it & go & buy yourself something!

Xenia · 10/10/2011 12:07

This is the result when women choose to be economically inactive and powerless and live off male earnings. You know the solution - get back to full time work and out earn your husband. It's much more fun and is often better for children too.

clam · 10/10/2011 12:11

So, when he's made comments along the lines of "my" money have you called him on it and asked what the hell he means?

myncichips · 10/10/2011 12:12

Maybe you just need to bring it up quite straightforwardly with him and say "I feel ...(a bit left out as I haven't bought a treat from the bonus?)..." and see where the conversation goes. Hopefully not into a row.

I do agree with some of the others that either its joint money or it isn't and you both need to have the same understanding.

Don't make like my mum though, she spins off into one at the slightest question from my dad, sometimes when he asks "why is this bill high this month?" he does actually mean to ask her that and isn't saying "what are you spending all my money on you useless surf?" which is always how she takes it!

Good luck!

Nesbo · 10/10/2011 12:13

DW and I both work (no kids). My last bonus got paid into my account (like my salary), but it was part of "our money". When I saw something I wanted it made it a little easier to justify spending a bit of it. If DW had seen something she wanted I'm sure she would have found it easier to justify as well (she didn't need access to the actual bonus as she has more cash available than me).

We didnt make a point of saying we must get treats with it, it all ultimately belongs to us both no matter whose accounts the money sits in at any particular time if we had kids I may have bought them treats though, as unlike DW they wouldn't have the same access to money that she has.

SuchProspects · 10/10/2011 12:21

bath4 That is still you wanting him to give you permission. But he isn't waiting for permission from you. If what you want is a marriage in which the money is equally both of yours then he shouldn't be suggesting it. When you sit down and have that talk with him, please don't tell him you want him to do this.

The picture you paint is one where he sees the money he earns as his and you do too, but you resent it. I think you need to think a bit more about what it would be like if you were both bringing in the same cash and taking the same responsibility for the DCs. How would an influx of cash be seen then? How would you feel about him spending it and you spending it? Would you still think the appropriate way of things would be for him to treat himself and them suggest you do the same before you felt able to treat yourself?

Let him know you expect a relationship in which you are as free with spending money as he is, then tell him you both need to agree how much you can each spend on yourselves before discussing in advance. (Not so bluntly - but really this what you need as your goal, not a man who still really thinks it's his but is a bit more generous about stuff). And I strongly suggest you get more involved in the financial decision making - you sound like you're in a vulnerable position.

diddl · 10/10/2011 12:28

TBH I don´t really get the "if you weren´t at home he couldn´t work" logic.

I mean it´s a 2 way thing, isn´t it?

Presumably OP wants to be at home with her children & couldn´t do that without her husband working?

Xenia · 10/10/2011 12:38

Just that if she worked she wouldn't have to be arguing about all this. She would have her own bonuses. Wouldn't have to be cap in hand to a man and fussing over whose money is whose and who has more right to spend money earned by the man etc.

TiredofYorks · 10/10/2011 12:40

I agree that you would feel left out not being treated, when all other family members have been. However I couldn't imagine being in a position where I felt that I couldn't spend money on whatever I fancied, and had to feel that I had to ask, or wait to be offered a treat.

For this reason (and a few others) I could never be a SAHM. I only work 3 days a week, but I do so because a) I enjoy it and b) I love earning my own money.

We have a joint account that we both pay exactly the same amount in and have done regardless of who earned what at any particular time (when we started out, OH earned much more than me but now I have the most freely accessible income). Anything to do with the house, children and other family related expenditure comes out of this.

What is left over after I have put my share into the account is mine to do with what I please, which is mostly spent on my horse much to DPs disgust :D

Slacking9to5 · 10/10/2011 12:40

Not really Xenia.

If she had a mutually respectful and equal relationship she wouldn't have posted this thread either, regardless of who actually earned the money.

diddl · 10/10/2011 12:44

Exactly Slacking

Chestnutx3 · 10/10/2011 12:48

Most couples have to make some sacrifices to have one parent staying at home. Unless one of you is a city banker you will not have the same lifestyle on one salary vs two. Therefore you both have to agree very strongly that one person being a SAHP is best for the family. It doesn't seem that your DH does anymore. Are all the kids in school? I would be worried about the state of my relationship to be honest.

I'm a SAHM (one child not at school though) and although I have huge range of hobbies and do as much as I can out of the house but I don't feel like I am that exciting to my DH when I had a great career and a lot going on in the day.

Alot can be hidden in erratic work patterns and travelling away IME as witnessed by many of my friends divorces.

Clarabumps · 10/10/2011 13:08

I love how the phrase cap in hand describes the OP as some sort of scrounger as she is not financially independant. this makes my blood boil. Marriage= partnership, kids= partnership but family money..no thats the husbands? EH?this makes no sense.
OP- you should speak to dh about the equality of this..and ignore the get a job comments. You have a job!

Hungrydragon · 10/10/2011 13:10

I find it upsetting that an individual can think I would like something nice for me, so I will get it. And I will also get something for my children. But then not think of their partner Confused

I don't think this has anything to do with whether the op earns or not. Nor do I think it is anything to do with the sahm debate. Or do I think it's to do with materialism.

If as an individual you can think of yourself and dc's can you not stretch that bit further? Even if it was a bar of favourite chocolate or bunch of flowers it at least states I was thinking of you too.

diddl · 10/10/2011 13:11

Maybe he just didn´t know what to get the OP?

squeakytoy · 10/10/2011 13:19

Xenia Mon 10-Oct-11 12:38:35
Just that if she worked she wouldn't have to be arguing about all this. She would have her own bonuses

Not everyone gets a job that pays a bonus... and not every family wants their children brought up by childminders, and to spend evenings and weekend playing catch up on the housework either.

It is about finding a balance.

scottishmummy · 10/10/2011 13:29

lol,put your psychatrist hat away Milli.youre closer to diagnois murder school of psychiatry with your guesses. leave the active listening ,the positive regard and icd-10 to me.

and im not dependent upon my dp for money,nor does he give me any. I work for my salary. and i have chosen to work ft.my dp salary isnt in that equation. I am able to enact my choices and maintain a career.as i indeed always planned to so

why would you assume my choices and finances are determined by a man?

and yes indeed im unmarried.by choice

Slacking9to5 · 10/10/2011 13:31

It sounds like it works for you Scottishmummy, but I daresay other set ups work for others, too.
One is no better than the other providing everyone is happy.