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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about dh's bonus

283 replies

bath4 · 09/10/2011 21:02

Dh has a good job and earns enough for me to be a SAHP. We have a joint account which I rarely use and a joint credit card. I use this for day to day stuff. I don't spend a fortune on myself. Just buy essentials.
DH has just received a bonus. He has spent £200 on stuff for himself and £50 on each of 3 dc's. He has never said to me why don't you get something too.
Now in theory I could buy something but its not really about that.
I just want to treated as an equal. My contribution to household may not be monetary but its still important.
AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
bath4 · 09/10/2011 22:34

Yes he is at birthdays and Xmas.
The flip side of my 1st line is of course that by earning good money it means he has to sometimes work unpredictable hours. Thus making it even harder for me to work without paying out vast amounts in childcare.
I once suggested getting a job working nights. The response was but you will have to make sure you are back in time for me to get to work as I am chief wage earner.

OP posts:
BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 09/10/2011 22:36

Just that you assumed it was a performance-related bonus. Made 'hard work' comments, when telling SAHM to keep her grubby mitts off it.
Could be firm-wide % of salary.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 09/10/2011 22:38

bath4, we have similar issues with DH hours, only real solution would be a nanny. And what's that, maybe £20k of pre-tax income? £25k? Ouch.

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 22:39

op he shouldnt sabotage you working.he needs to support it emotionally and financially by contributing for childcare etc to facilitate you working too

pointydog · 09/10/2011 22:41

If he's generous at birthdays and christmas, it actually sounds a bit mean of you now to bleat about wanting to be an equal.

I think yabu, yes.

If you were an equal, surely you could say 'hey, let's buy a bottle of champagne and celebrate'. An equal wouldn't feel left out because the kids got a treat.

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 22:42

i havent said any grubby mitts or somesuch quips.i have said the bonus is his based upon salaried work and demonstrable achievement/output.op doesnt work,its not her bonus. now presumably their arrangement is the sole wage eg his contribute to family globally,so long as he doesnt renegade on that the bonus is his,to do what he wish with

callmemrs · 09/10/2011 22:43

bath4 - do you want a career or not? If you do, then even if childcare costs take up all or most of your income right now, you'd still be prepared to accept that because of the long term advantages to working.

If on the other hand, you actually prefer your dh earning enough for you to stay at home, then its a bit disingenuous to say 'its me being at home which allows him to earn that money!'

I am not arguing over SAHM/WOHM btw, just trying to get where you're coming from. You sound a bit disgruntled about having to scrimp a bit etc

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 09/10/2011 22:44

If he is unprepared to alter his work life balance to accomadate you getting a job (and nights are bloody hard work when their permenant!). Then really you need ro revisit the whole money thing.

He needs to know this is a problem because (I am guessing here) very little has been verbalised to him?

FWIW I am a SAHM, sh and I both have pocket money to spend as we wish. It is only a very small amount (what we can just about afford atm) but it is the same amount. I spend mine on clothes and shoes (from ebay!) and he spends his on clothes crap fantasy books (from ebay!). We both know that what's in the joint account is for the family and bills.

I think if you took more control of the joint account that may help things too, he should not be the only one ensuring that the figures tally at the end of the month.

MULLYPEEP · 09/10/2011 22:47

Would you not just say what you fancy buying yourself whatever from the bonus money (if you indeed want anything)? Make him be clear how he feels about the money and then decide what you want to do. I am a SAHM for now, but if I encountered that shit from my husband I would seriously have to get a job. Our money is our money.

EightiesChick · 09/10/2011 23:02

I actually think the bonus/ equals / SAHM thing has become a bit of a red herring here. The actual situation, leaving work roles aside, is that the husband/dad has come into some extra money and has bought presents/treats with it for everyone in the family except his wife. Now stand up anyone who can say, regardless of whether they WOHM/SAHM or whatever, that that wouldn't hack them off in her shoes.

Bringing it back to the general, then, OP, what do you think would be his reason for not buying you a present when he has got himself and the DC one? It sounds to me like you suspect that he is not thinking very generously of you as someone who 'deserves' Hmm a present,a dn by inference that he thinks you have a comfortable enough life anyway. In the context of what else you have said about his comments on your joint finances, I would be slightly concerned.

My dad has his faults, but one thing I have always hugely admired about him was that on the occasions he won money in a work sweepstake, or got an extra payment of some sort, he brought it home and split it between the whole family. Everyone got the same.

frutilla · 09/10/2011 23:04

YANBU. It's still thoughtless to be excluded in the celebration of the bonus. I'd feel left out that he didn't treat me too, but I wouldn't make an argument and put a downer on things unless he's always selfish. I'd write it off as brain fog this instance...

Morloth · 09/10/2011 23:20

If DH gets a bonus we both get 10% each to fritter, the rest goes straight onto the house.

We are a team, the only reason DH can have a couple of kids and still have a great career is because I pick up his half of the childcare/house stuff and he picks up my half of the making money.

AmandaCooper · 10/10/2011 07:04

If you're a SAHM it's not just the actual work, there's the sacrifice too: his career for yours. He soars up the ladder while you stay stagnant and miss opportunities to enjoy the rewards of a growing career. Sharing a bit of the bonus is absolutely the least he can do in return.

Bubbaluv · 10/10/2011 07:29

I think ScottishMummy is Xenia's little sister.

Uppity · 10/10/2011 07:31

Calmemrs, the childcare costs should not wipe out most of the OP's income if she works, because her DP should be paying them out of his income.

That is presuming that he earns more than her and she's going to be the one who picks the kids up, is the contact point for illness etc. Of course if she earns the same as him and they take it in turns to pick up the kids, then they can pay childcare costs at the rate of 50 50.

Uppity · 10/10/2011 07:32

That may be completely irrelevant btw, the OP may not want to get a paid job atm - but I just wanted to point out that it is not mother's responsibility to fund childcare, it's that of both parents.

RedHelenB · 10/10/2011 07:36

Bath4 -maybe it is time to earn some money for yourself if that's how you fee, just a few hours a weekl. I never completely gave up work, but had really scaled it down but as a lone parent now am really glad I wasn't completely out of the workplace!!

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 10/10/2011 07:40

I would say that being an 'equal' means not needing permission or approval or a suggestion to buy something, but just going out and getting it. Like he did.

So 'I want to be his equal so I want him to tell me to get myself something' makes no sense.

You're not his equal if he gives you £50 and says "Go get yourself something pretty" - you're a 1950s housewife! Grin

The 'my money' thing is wrong. I hope you put him straight on that one and he never says it again. Otherwise - present him with an itemised bill for everything you do! If he treats you like an employee - act like one!

akaemmafrost · 10/10/2011 07:42

morloth put it perfectly.

SM you are talking complete crap.

Squitten · 10/10/2011 07:48

Completely agree with Hecate - if you want to be an equal, why are you seeking his permission?

Bellavita · 10/10/2011 07:49

I would say to him that you are taking x amount to buy yourself something, end of.

DH has just received a payout of shares, now this is mainly for paying off our mortgage, but he always says we both need a treat out if it, he has ordered himself the new iPhone and he insists that I take the same amount of money too - he came with me yesterday and I bought a diamond bracelet, if it had been £100 extra he still would have been ok with it.

You need to sort this out and quick otherwise it will start eating you up.

MilicentBystander · 10/10/2011 07:52

Scottishmummy, do you just put the acronym 'SAHM' into the search function every hour to make sure you don't miss one of these threads, or is it some kind of sixth sense that always tells you when one is on the go?

Grin Grin Grin

I tell you what SM, being in your relationship must be edge of your seat stuff. God help you if you lost your job.
In fact, it's not a true relationship, where people cling on to their own money and deny the other partner access if they are a SAHP. It's actually considered a form of abuse, did you know that?

forrestgump · 10/10/2011 07:55

I am a sahm too bath and like you, have a dh who works bonkers hours, and also gets lovely Bonus payments. however when I quit my job many, many years ago, we sat down and laid up some ground rules. that I think is where your issues fall. You really need to sit down with him and let him know that you are not an unpaid housekeeper, you are his partner.

BimboNo5 · 10/10/2011 07:56

Just be like me- ive already spent half of DH's tax rebate on a holiday!

MilicentBystander · 10/10/2011 08:01

Morloth agree, perfectly put.

If I were to put my psychiatrists hat on I could say that Scottishmummy has ishoos about this, big ishoos because underneath she is pissed off she doesn't have the choices other women have so she shits on them to make herself feel better.
Now, whether she hasn't the choices because her partner ( and as they are unmarried her position is, of course, far more precarious than a housewife) doesn't command the sort of salary that enables her to be a SAHP or whether he is the sort of man who insists his money belongs to him, we don't know.
But I suspect I'm not far off the mark.