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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about dh's bonus

283 replies

bath4 · 09/10/2011 21:02

Dh has a good job and earns enough for me to be a SAHP. We have a joint account which I rarely use and a joint credit card. I use this for day to day stuff. I don't spend a fortune on myself. Just buy essentials.
DH has just received a bonus. He has spent £200 on stuff for himself and £50 on each of 3 dc's. He has never said to me why don't you get something too.
Now in theory I could buy something but its not really about that.
I just want to treated as an equal. My contribution to household may not be monetary but its still important.
AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
bath4 · 09/10/2011 22:04

Maybe I should also charge for the time spent at the weekend looking after 3dc whilst he is having fun at football.

OP posts:
isthisweird · 09/10/2011 22:06

Maybe she cares just the tiniest of shits more about her DC, scottishmummy, than her DH's bonus. Hard for you to picture, I know.

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 22:06

if you want monetary remuneration go get a job
looking after your own kids isnt a chore or job its what parents do.implicit in being parent is the unconditional regard not a tally sheet for hours put in. considering parenthood as equal paid work is bizzare

Uppity · 09/10/2011 22:08

Grin Isthiswierd.

I sense... ishoos.

squeakytoy · 09/10/2011 22:09

being a SAHM is a leeeeetle bit more than just staying at home being a mum you know SM...

I assume OP does the housework, the shopping, the majority if not all of the cooking... and all associated tasks with keeping the family running smoothly..

It is called working as a team.

MrsSnaplegs · 09/10/2011 22:09

From the other perspectiveGrin I am the wage earner and DH is sahd he has free access to all money in accounts. I pay all bills out of a budget account and what is left is "ours" I never ask him to account for money. I had a bonus this month, not huge but enough. We need a new dishwasher, DH does most of washing up and it hasn't worked for months, I offered to buy one (all of bonus) and he said no to spend it on myself as I hadn't had new clothes in years. Managed to pick up loads of bargains so we still have money left over for some treats at half term for kids. He has had new boots and coat, asked my advice on the coat but more on how it looked as opposed to can I?
I suppose what I am trying to say is I expect him to spend some of the money on himself however he chooses without my permissionGrin

Hulababy · 09/10/2011 22:12

But scottishmummy - if the OP goes out to do paid work who then looks after the children? Childcare? And then who funds that? And with three children - financially would this always make sense?

A family should be a joint venture. Income needs to come into the family - how this is organised depends on how the parents can sort it between them, but it should all be shared imo. Because both parties are doing their bit generally, be it being out in paid work or doing the childcare or the housework or whatever. And then the outgoings should be shared also - from the family income pot.

I don't get the whole his and her money bit. Just seems so wierd in an equal partnership, a family.

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 22:13

yes and her dp is at work.you know that paid thang that generates the money that enables op to be housewife. as much as you list tasks and chores housewife isnt economically active or generate money to her family

no amount of listing tasks or jobs undertaken equates to being same as a salary
and nor should a parent try equate as i do XYZ task that is same as job. it isnt

LadyWord · 09/10/2011 22:13

"Its either a joint account, or it isn't.
Pooled funds, or not."

I don't agree - we both work, but I work and earn less than DP, and do more childcare. We both pay into a joint account to reflect our earnings, and keep some spending money of our own in our own accounts.

Even if one of you has no income, that could still happen, so you could have a joint family expenses account, and personal current accounts for personal spending (which some of the money would go into).

I would find it very hard with all pooled funds. I love spending my own money.

OP I think you should have got a "bonus" too.

ChippingIn · 09/10/2011 22:16

scottishmummy - yep, time for bash the SAHM again. Don't you ever get tired of it??

Bath - I think you need to have a talk about things. It is not his money, it's family money. It doesn't matter if it's the regular weekly wage or a bonus. It is not his. No matter whether you continue to stay at home or go out to work, you need to discuss finances because either way you need to both have the same amount of disposable income.

callmemrs · 09/10/2011 22:18

You sound unhappy with the budgeting and tightening of belts Which is part and parcel of having one parent not earning. If you aren't happy, then the obvious answer is to go out to work too. I don't think you should begrudge your dh having earned his bonus- its over and above his normal income, and why shouldn't he treat himself a bit.

notlettingthefearshow · 09/10/2011 22:18

Oh, I can see why you feel undervalued. He really should have thought of you since he was treating the kids and himself. It probably is a bigger issue of him thinking of it as his money, which as everyone points out, is unfair. To give him the benefit of the doubt, he probably assumes that if you need something you will buy it. If you disagree with the way he spends the money eg Sky subscription, you should be more assertive (be prepared to argue for what you feel is more important).

On this occasion, I would decide on whatever it is that you genuinely want/need and say something like. 'I might go shopping tomorrow - I could really do with some new winter boots. We should be alright moneywise, shouldn't we, since you got that bonus?'

Good luck! x

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 22:19

of course it is his,but i suppose if you dont earn you need to conceptualise it as shared and equal dibs

its is his bonus based upon his demonstrable work and output

isthisweird · 09/10/2011 22:20

I've never understood why you get so het up about what SAHM's do scottishmummy. Why do you care so much? Really? Does it make you question your own choices or do you just enjoy having a go at people?

pointydog · 09/10/2011 22:21

Do you ever treat yourself to something?

Original poster
bath4 · 09/10/2011 22:21

Just wondering scottishmummy how much yo have to pay for childcare relating to your income?
In my case our family would not be much better off once cost of childcare is taken into account.

OP posts:
Original poster
bath4 · 09/10/2011 22:23

Yes I guess I do. But its only small things. Never more than about £10. If i wanted to treat myself to something costing £200 I would discuss it first. (Not that I have ever done this)

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 22:24

its mn people get het up about sausage rolls without it necessarily being a pivotal part of life lived. you could equally ponder why do folk who dont ff or use nursery for example get so animated about things they dont do

oh i know!because on a discursive forum people discuss,perhaps?

isthisweird · 09/10/2011 22:24

No, it's more than that SM.

It's called having an axe to grind.

LadyWord · 09/10/2011 22:25

Yes but SM. If you are a man who has kids and a wife/partner who is a SAHM, basically you ARE paying her. It's her "living" to do that. If she wasn't there, or if you both work, then the childcare has to be paid for. Someone who is being a SAHM is taking that role instead. She is making a contribution which has value including monetary value.

Surely you don't think it would be fine and dandy if he said "I'm fine with you looking after my kids but you can't have a home, food or clothes, feck off it's my money".

And I can assure you I myself cannot IMAGINE not working and find it hard to imagine how SAHMs can bear not earning money in the "bringing home the bacon" sense - but I still support their right to do it and be treated as an equal when they do.

discobeaver · 09/10/2011 22:26

I think the first line of your post is telling OP. He "earns enough for me to be a SAHP."

He is 'allowing' you to do this, you rely on him, he holds the cards. You feel unequal, which manifested itself in the divvying up of the bonus.

Him, then the kids, then you.

That's the emotional reaction, but plenty of other posters have shown it's not necessarily the right one.

I would feel the same as you though.

pointydog · 09/10/2011 22:27

Is he generous to you on birthdays?

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 09/10/2011 22:27

"its is his bonus based upon his demonstrable work and output"

Not necessarily, my last firm used to share out bonus depending on the profits throughout the year, as we'd all contributed to the firm's success.

A little bit like a family, in fact. Oh no, wait...

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 22:31

whats your point boulevard?bonus usually paid to named salaried employee for their contribution. now how the employer chooses to divvy that up,well thats up to them.varies from firm to firm.one do collective team bonus, others do individual bonus

startail · 09/10/2011 22:32

We've had a joint account since the day we were married. DH has always earned more than me. I was a student and now a SAHM. We both spend it, we only discuss large purchases. I don't check his credit card he doesn't check mine. As long as more comes in than goes out no one worries. Just the same now there's a reasonable amount as it was when there was very little. Can't imagine being in a relationship where money caused much tension it would be horrible.