To be upset about DPs porn habit?

[Flojo1979]

Ok, too much info for a monday morning. I dont get the whole porn thing, i hate it. I think its my DP getting off on another woman etc etc. Told him this a few months ago, b4 he moved in and expected him to respectfully refrain from such things. Since then hes moved in and well to put it blunt, got it on tap so has no reason to watch ever again, right?
So last night i said lets go for an early night (nudge nudge wink wink) and he said no I'll stop up for a bit u go up etc, fair enough, a guys allowed to say no ta too and off i toddled to bed. I heard his laptop boot up and when he went to work this morning in my usual suspicious ways, i checked his history, and he was on porn last night, when i was in bed!
Angry, furious, annoyed, upset, betrayed and oh feeling like he prefers that to me, and i must be rubbish!

YANBU to feel upset about it.

I would feel very upset with DH if I'd been nudging and winking but he chose to have a wank in front of the laptop instead. I'd be insulted and hurt.

YANBU. I don't think porn is intrinsically evil and tolerate a bit but if my DH/DP preferred it to coming to bed with me I would be very hurt an angry. You need to talk to him in a non-confrontational way about this and figure out where its coming from.

Bloody porn its the root of lots of problems between man and women but please dont judge yourself the majority of men have and do watch porn at some point or another and women do to and some do together its not a judgement on your preformance its just another way of getting of,your man will still have a wank even though he "has it on tap" he wouldn,t have just moved in with you if he thought you were crap in bed,do you have a regular sex life?if not i can totally understand the insecurity and if you really do hate it and have told him so he should respect that,equally so though hes only just moved in and your checking the history on his laptop

oh and yes i would be pissed of to with the last night senario so yanbu there at all

Of course I would be upset too! Maybe he was tired and lazy so found it easier and quicker to pleasure himself instead of pleasuring you too. Have a chat later and let him know how you feel.

ok, heres a mans point of veiw
firstly, the signals women give off are rarely picked up by men , he , i would assume, had no idea you were suducing him to bed, he probobly thought you were tierd, and if he was horny and it turned out you wernt in the mood attall and just wanted to sleep, there he it with a raging hard-on next to the woman who's body he desires and he cant sleep, not ideal, belive me.

porn can offer stuff that a girlfreind might not be able to, maybe one certian thing really turns him on, a fetish for something, ruber or fur , maybe he has a submissive compulsion that would embarrasse him to tell you about, if your broad-minded enough you could possibly squeeze it out of him and go and enjoy whatever that is together.

lastly, he doesnt feel emotional attachment to any of the naked ladies he wanks over, it's just a fun 10 minutes wanking over pretty girls , lots of images , different types, men usually cant have a hareem, but historicaly men who have had that oppertunity have chosen to have one .

one more thing, a big difference between the sexes, men are very visual, they love to see women undress, it really gets them, women are much less visual, read a woman an erotic text and your much more likely to turn her on than if you show her a picture of a naked man. do you have erotic literiture in your house? are you being arrogant to assume that the manner you get turned on is acceptable and the way he does isnt?....and relax, it's only porn!

OP - you made it clear that you would not be tolerating porn. He is happy to be deceive you. Let him find someone who will if porn is SO important to him. It is clearly more important to him than actually having sex. When someone chooses to wank over porn rather than have sex you have to question whether they have an addiction?

And here's a translation of Dads post

1. Men are incapable of subtle social interaction.
2. Erections (as evinced by the phrase "raging hardon") are violently overwhelming? Men are basically mindless bodies attached to rampaging genitalia which they have no control over.
3. Due to the combination of (1) and (2) and your place as a woman you need to look at sexually fulfilling his desires whatever they may be.
4. Porn replaces the "need" that men were able to fulfil of times past when they were able to imprison women in groups to be raped and abused as sexual slaves. All men would do this if they could.
5. Despite lots of scientific research that shows women to be as equally visually stimulated by sexual imagery, let's perpetuate the myth about men being 'visual' because it lets them off the hook for 'needing' porn.

(Scientifically speaking it appears women 'need' porn just as much as men do - unfortunately they just can't find a class of people over which they hold enough power to pay/abuse/use as their porn fodder - One such study: Anokhin AP, Golosheykin S, Sirevaag E, et. al. ?Rapid discrimination of visual scene content in the human brain? Brain Research, 2006 May 16)

1. And relax! It's only filmed rape, abuse and sexual humiliation of women.

It's not "only porn".

It's disgusting and I would seriously question how much I knew my DH if I found him spanking the monkey to it.

Thank you Hellatwork for explaining it so well.

"Porn replaces the "need" that men were able to fulfil of times past when they were able to imprison women in groups to be raped and abused as sexual slaves. All men would do this if they could."

Except that bit. Not sure I agree with that...

Also I would be perfectly pleasant about it - and say, look I don't think this is going to work out. I have a healthy libido and I want a real man to have sex with. I exist in all 3 dimensions and as such I need to have sex with other people who exist in all 3 dimensions and are interested in interacting physically with me. Your obsession with porn means that I need to find someone else to have a fulfilling sex life with. Good look with your 2d wanking - And send him on this way!

Bupcakes - All men would have a harem if they could comes from Dad's sentence: "men usually cant have a hareem (sic), but historicaly (sic) men who have had that oppertunity (sic) have chosen to have one ."

So in his view it is only the lack of opportunity that prevents all men from having harems.

BTW I do not agree with Dad's view of men. I think it is revoltingly sexist and is a horrible disservice to men.

Hellatwork - brilliant post. Everything thing you said ^^

x-post Prince!

Excellent interpretation of dad's post, HellAtWork.

OP, YANBU. At all.

OK, HellAtWork. I'm with you now :)

Dad's post was very patronising. It also makes men out to be unable to control themselves. Not an excuse!

OP, YANBU, but get to the root of this so no one has to hold secrets (porn/checking other's internet history).

Hell - thanks for clearing that up so well.

i watch porn, i wank while i am "getting it at home". i dont tend to do it when my dp is there because i dont see the point would rather have sex, but that doesn't mean i wouldn't if he was asleep and i was horny. wanking it a quick and easy way to get were you want to be and porn facilitates it, i can wank without porn and do, without the visual stimulation it takes longer though, so dad generalise much?. i generally dont understand a lot of womans problem with men watching porn.
but mostly op what i find interesting here is you knew your dp watched porn before you moved in with him, you knew it was something he was in to and liked to do for what ever reason and now you what expect him to not, just because you dont like it, when you asked him to respectfully refrain for your benefit did he agree to it? was it a deal breaker for you? can he wank without looking at porn or would that piss you off to. is it ok for him to imagine other women in his head instead of looking at them on a screen?

Thanks for that wonderful insight into your "wanking" habits, cannydoit.

hell at work, please dont translate my posts and try to turn me into somthing i'm not.
'women should fullfill a man sexual desiers whatever they may be' ???? i dont know who your argueing with, but it certianly isnt me.

the op is clearly upset about this incident, i was trying to shed some light on it and maybe she would consider some things that haddnt occured to her, ......what did you do? tell her to dump her boyfreind, great hellatwork, that will solve the problem.

lol sorry bup tmi but for some reason dad post which basically seemed to assume that women only like erotic fiction to make them horny got my goat and made me wonder if thats why he has to lie next to his dp with a "raging hardon" a lot.

Sorry Dad - for a moment I thought you said:

"porn can offer stuff that a girlfreind (sic) might not be able to...if your (sic) broad-minded enough you could possibly squeeze it out of him and go and enjoy whatever that is together."

Let me just go back and re-read your post.

Oh, you did say that.

Was I also mistaken when you said that all men would imprison a group of women to serve them as sexual slaves if they could? That no men would even question the morality of that, but instead led by their rampaging genitalia they would happily trap and rape a group of women indefinitely and over a long period of time (women were born and died in harems - raped from the cradle to the grave). I'm offended by your disgusting view of men on behalf of my dad, my boyfriend and all the men in my life who would no more want to do that than they would want to become Hannibal Lector. FFS. Have a bit of respect for your own gender will you? Not every man is as morally despicable as you.