To be upset about DPs porn habit?

[Flojo1979]

Ok, too much info for a monday morning. I dont get the whole porn thing, i hate it. I think its my DP getting off on another woman etc etc. Told him this a few months ago, b4 he moved in and expected him to respectfully refrain from such things. Since then hes moved in and well to put it blunt, got it on tap so has no reason to watch ever again, right?
So last night i said lets go for an early night (nudge nudge wink wink) and he said no I'll stop up for a bit u go up etc, fair enough, a guys allowed to say no ta too and off i toddled to bed. I heard his laptop boot up and when he went to work this morning in my usual suspicious ways, i checked his history, and he was on porn last night, when i was in bed!
Angry, furious, annoyed, upset, betrayed and oh feeling like he prefers that to me, and i must be rubbish!

A mature man in a committed relationship would surely discuss and come to some agreement / compromise with his partner if he felt that strongly about his need to use porn?

The trouble is that a lot of men merely pay lip service to their partners' concerns and carry on with their compulsive behaviour - a man switching on porn the second his partner goes to bed has issues imho.
A man who is horny ( for want of a better word) should be able to ask his partner if she is interested in sex , and surely if OP's bloke was horny then there is no way he would have misinterpreted her advances, most men would be upstairs faster than you can blink with an offer of sex, no matter how subtle.
If he's that dim then she should be far more direct with him.

I used to use porn. Probably about 2 or 3 times a week (am definitely namechanging again after this!) I didn't really think too deeply about why the women in porn were doing porn - I just assumed they were being paid and were exhibitionists. But you know what? As a woman it got very tedious having to scroll through images of women being humiliated and degraded just to find people having 'vanilla' sex. It kind of kills the moment. And even when you do find something wankworthy....look into her eyes? Is that enjoyment you see? Arousal? Or is it the reflection of the porn director telling her to keep going even if she's in pain/gagging/wants to stop?

"Its a general site, one with everything on. He'd have been looking at womens boobs."

The phrase 'one with everything on' implies its not just boobs. RGB I am sure you know that porn has changed drastically since the 70s and not just in terms of pubic hair styles. SGM has already referred to the proliferation of the 'let's penetrate every hole we can and hurt her while we do it' - then there's the obsession with women being 'teens' even when they are clearly not but if teens are what men want that's what is provided - and the increased scatalogical focus (2 girls, 1 cup is available on YouTube for any of your kids to watch anytime they want). With the advent of free and amateur porn, the porn industry is having to create more and increasingly degrading/humiliating/violent scenarios where women have their dignity/spirit/souls fucked away for our wanking pleasure.

I think I just grew up. It probably helped that as a woman, I could identify with other women's pain and hurt and degradation. I am not sure why men who wank to porn don't think of women as human beings even if they don't view them as equal. Fundamental lack of empathy? Or just a sense of entitlement that overrides any sense of humanity?

RGB It was the way in which Dad trivialised the emotional aspect of sex that pissed you off? Interesting.

Nothing to do with the fact that he said the OP should be willing to engage in whatever her porn hound DP wanted to do sexually? (I assume paedophilia/a bit of scat etc is just being 'broadminded' since we didn't know at that point what her DP was looking at...and TBH still don't really) Or that all men would imprison a group of women to rape on demand given the opportunity?

If someone said that about a group of people I am identified as (women/lawyers/parents etc.) I would be more than pissed off. And my point about 'hysterical' was that Dad had leapt in with some horrific generalisations first, yet it was not those generalisations which you jumped to label as hysterical. FWIW I didn't agree with that post any more than Dad's.

HellatWork

I read "general site, one with everything on" as meaning it has both porn and non-porn, eg like the Sun, or FHM. I didn't read it as meaning it was a proper porn site, but OP was saying she knew her husband would only stay in the shallow end. Not sure how she could be sure in that situation?

But I may have misinterpreted. Either way I think the point stands on what OP needs to be worried about (or not) in her cirumstances. If she'd wanted a debate on the morality of porn, she could have picked one of the 1000 other threads on MN on that topic.

I see. So if all else fails, put on your uniform and pretend to be the Thread Police. Are you going to give me a ticket for straying outside your personally defined bounds of this particular thread? If so, please make it quick because there's a queue of people straying away from the OPs all over this site so you're going to have a busy life day.

I have already responded to the OP several times. And apologised for derailing. I am, I think, last time I checked, still free to articulate my own views all over this site so long as they are not troll-hunting, or offensive in terms of sexism, racism and disablism.

OP - about the snooping. If DP has not bothered to delete history he has probably not turned off the text search recognition thingy. So if he was looking at www.bondage.com and you typed in Bond (to check the price of your Gilt-edged securities or some such thing! ) it would automatically complete it as if you were looking for the bondage site because it would be the most recent site. If he has been so careless/disrespectful to not even try and cover his tracks, knowing your views on porn already, then I don't think he has much comeback do you?

In fact I would approach it from the angle that he obviously does want to discuss this with you, otherwise he would have been trying to hide it.

OP i think that you were maybe a fool to move in with a man with a big porn habit thinking that he might somehow stop. Maybe if he were a man looking at porn whilst he was single and wasn't getting real sex then perhaps he could stop when in a relationship. However, he was looking at it whilst he was having as exual relationship with you. No way was he going to stop. When men get confronted and they say that they will stop, they are lying. They just find a better way of doing it in secret.

Now I say all of this and i actually have no issue with porn. I really dont like getting all political about it. Yes, I guess there are some women in porn industry that hate what they do and are exploited, but I bet that there are a hell of a lot who absolutely do it through choice.

My DP has watched porn. Usually with me. I wouldnt object to him watching it without me. I would object to him refuseing sex with me to watch porn. Thats not healthy.

Oh, and i do agree that some women hate porn as it makes them feel inadequate. If the women in the film has a great body, atractive etc. then it's natural that it would make someone feel insecure. Especially if the man uses porn excessively and like the OP's Dp, instead of actual sex with her.

My Dp doesnt prefer an unknown women in a film to me, but if he was using porn excessively, then I probably would become irrationally jealous over women he had never met I guess.

Carmen Is your general approach to life to assume anyone making promises to you is bound to break them? And that it is your fault in expecting them to keep promises when they let you down? Life must be tough.

There is porn for every peccadillo. Overweight women, geriatric women, flat-chested/large-breasted women....we could all, if we so wished, become pornstars. Seriously. So this argument about women disliking porn because they are insecure doesn't really make sense. Of course it breeds insecurity - that stems from the deceit and disinterest in the living breathing 3-D OP. The OP has seen some of the porn the DP was looking at and because women as a whole are being told we are too thin, too fat, not blonde enough, not exotic looking enough, need lip/boob enhancements is making comparisons to herself and feeling down. Understandably. But if the OP really wanted to do porn she could. Presumably her DP would not have a problem with that. So, while recognising why that is OP is also feeling down (don't do it to yourself OP, please, I can only speak from personal experience and I do agree with Dad on this that while wanking you are not thinking ooh if only my partner looked like that - the brain is pretty much disengaged) the OP is also feeling let down that she has been lied to.

OP - there are men who exist who don't use porn. Or lie. They are real. I think you need to have a proper chat with your DP about what his choices are so that you can make yours.

Alternatively have a good search for 'big dicks' 'well hung' etc. and leave it for him to find on the laptop. Maybe he will bring it up with you then?

I think the post by dad makes him sound like an idiot. Poor men have no self control do they?

Some poor blokes have 'needs' you know that women couldn't possibly understand. Why is it always portryaed that men have urges or fantasies that women would apparently never 'get'. Do women only want straightforward sex then and not enjoy any kind of dirty sex. It makes me laugh.

Men only use this excuse to do as they please.

I like to think of myself as pretty unshockable and I would be mortified if i had a partner who was too scared to tell me what he liked in bed. What kind of a basis is that for a healthy relationship?

No hellatwork, that isn't my general approach to life at all

I am not so stupid though that i would belive that a man i was dating who was heavily into porn would stop becuase I asked him to. It is clear that the OP's DP has issues with a porn habit. Any bloke that was using porn instead of me would be history.

And when i talk of women feeling insecure with their Dh watching porn, I am referring to the steretypical view of an attractive woman. Young, great body, facially attractive- the page 3 type. Not the the more 'unusual' porn, the hugely obese women etc. Most women want to look atractive and be slim, its a fact. And to find your dp watching porn obsessively with those type of women involved would make someone jealous. Doubt as many women would feel as insecure if they Dh was watching porn with a middle aged slightly frumpy housewife as the main actress!

and society has managed to hold together so far.

Really? Whose society is that then? Yours?

I can quite categorically say that I am not jealous, in any way or for any reason, of the women who work in porn

If my husband was regularly watching porn instead of shagging me, my first thought would not be that I was in anyway inadequate, but that he was

OP (remember her ??) needs to acknowledge that fact and decide on her response from there

Flojo I kicked him out, he started thinking, went away and found out exactly what I had meant when I spent several hours screaming about exploitation of women. He was horrified, phoned me to talk and we spent six months talking, eventually I agreed that our relationship could start up again, he moved back in six months after that. It took another year for me to start trusting him a bit more.

It is almost three years since he moved back in and I am getting there with trusting him.

Incidentally, DP during the porn phase would agree to sex if I directly asked, but never initiated so I'd go to sleep and he could go wank.

hellatwork, that was quite good!

Righto this is my view on it,me and DH have not had sex in 8 months as I have been ill,now this may sound mad but I said I am more than happy for you to have a wank if you need one. We don't discuss it,he does not watch porn he as naughty pictures of me from a few years ago. Now I don't like porn and what it represents but I do understand we all have needs at times. I also said with a DD in the house watching porn is just wrong,we all share a computer and that would be so wrong if she found something. If a man had to put porn before me he would be out of here. Thats my views

I am not jealous of women who work in the porn industry either anyfucker. I too would think it was Dp who was inadequate if he chose pornrather than me. I would think he had serious intimacy issues.

However, some women probably do get jealous if their DH is like the OP's and he 'prefers' porn to her. I imagine it would then be quite easy to strat feeling that he found these women much more attractive than her. Even easier if a woman already maybe ism't that confident with her looks(as most of us aren't).

Yes, I see that, carmen, and IMO this is where OP is going wrong (political objections to porn aside)

Carmen. I think before you go accusing others of self-esteem issues you might need to check yourself. Fact. (Appears you can now say what you want and have it established as fact by just tacking 'Fact!' on the end. Marvellous! Makes a good debate so much simpler.)

"I am not so stupid though that i would belive that a man i was dating who was heavily into porn would stop becuase I asked him to".

Not because he loved you? Wanted to be honest with you? Thought you were the change in his life he wanted? Not because he wanted to make a commitment to you and thought you deserved to have it honoured? To believe any of those things would make you stupid ..why? Because you are unloveable? Because no man could want to do that? I am not sure I understand the logic of this apparent lack of self-esteem when you are simultaneously telling women who don't like porn they need to get over their own insecurities?

Most women are told they should be slim and attractive. By the media, by plastic surgeons wanting to keep in business, by the fashion industry, and the list goes on. Depressing fact.

Why would I be jealous of plastic fantastic? My baps are real and big unlike those barbie girls ;)

AF - am a namechanger but not anyone you would recognise am sure! Do frequent the Feminism/Women's Rights board and enjoy the debates over there. Has certainly educated me a lot and made me think, your posts included

Damn.

Never arse lick whilst dipping kit kat in hot tea,the image is pure awful

I bet I would recognise you, HAW, I have a beady eye like that

no matter, you said you will have to nc again, but I don't see why, tbh

I think most of us who argue against pornography from a political POV, have never said we haven't used it, had partners who use it now or in the past

the twits who write us off as born-again virginal humourless prudes have their head in the sand (am talking about the Feminism threads now, not this one)

I can talk about pornography, because I know about it, about what it consists of and what it can do

I wouldn't argue against something I knew very little about...that would be stupid and disingenuous

ahhhhhhhhhhhh so you are reformed porn users, their the worst

there even