To be upset about DPs porn habit?

[Flojo1979]

Ok, too much info for a monday morning. I dont get the whole porn thing, i hate it. I think its my DP getting off on another woman etc etc. Told him this a few months ago, b4 he moved in and expected him to respectfully refrain from such things. Since then hes moved in and well to put it blunt, got it on tap so has no reason to watch ever again, right?
So last night i said lets go for an early night (nudge nudge wink wink) and he said no I'll stop up for a bit u go up etc, fair enough, a guys allowed to say no ta too and off i toddled to bed. I heard his laptop boot up and when he went to work this morning in my usual suspicious ways, i checked his history, and he was on porn last night, when i was in bed!
Angry, furious, annoyed, upset, betrayed and oh feeling like he prefers that to me, and i must be rubbish!

Ooh I've met some frotterers.
I never knew they were that

Its not usual for him to turn me down. Its generally if i want it we do it and if i dont we dont. Its not how i intend it, but he deliberately has this thing where he waits til i instigate it cos he doesnt like the idea of instigating it and being rejected.

But the thing is RedGreenBlue, porn is a bit horrid, y'know? Like just that little bit degrading to women?

I don't like porn and I wouldn't like to think of my dh using it (he doesn't). but...

"I heard his laptop boot up and when he went to work this morning in my usual suspicious ways, i checked his
history," tbh I think this says something about you too. Ok so you don't like your dp using porn. But it's clear from your need to snoop and check up on him that you have trust issues within your relationship. I would be hurt upon finding out that dh was using porn instead of having come to bed with me, but equally I would be hurt to find out that dh was checking my computer history in the morning because he was suspicious of what I'd been doing.

How are you going to explain your lack of trust in your dp when you confront him about this?

You knew your dp used porn before you moved in together, you demanded he stop and now you are snooping on him to ensure your demands are being met. All in all not exactly solid grounds for a relationship.

HellAtWork

where the hell have you been ?

Bloody brilliant post. Are you a namechanger ?

I think women don't like partners watching porn as the are not self confident. It is something of a knock to the ego, as in: "oh he must be a sicko and want ME to partake in scenarios I find humiliating/unsexy/demeaning and want me to be thinner, bigger breasted, younger, less postnatal and I don't sexualy satisfy him" thus more about you than the feelings about porn per se. He doesn't think that at all of course.

I'll back up the chap above, to an extent. Women may not WANT men to think that way, not all of them do of course, but face facts ladies, a lot of them do. Men/women = different beasts.

You don't have to chat to a porno, help it with chores or make unselfish sexual moves. I can see why it is a quick need meeter rather than the whole seduction routine. Tis why so many men are such fans of oral. Women like sex and love, men more detached.

Apparently I am in the minority. I don't have a problem with DH viewing porn. He still wants to have sex with me when we aren't too zonked. I don't think he prefers the ladies in the films to me as such. Is just a fantasy. Just as I don't prefer Robert Downey Jr to him (well maybe I do a bit lol) because I don't know and love him, just think he's a fox.

RGB, you were doing so well, right up until you ruined it with your last sentence .

Not all porn is bad, not all men who watch porn are bad, most (internet) porn is generally from dubious sources where you have no idea if it's made ethically.

If OP's partner turned down sex in favour of using porn then he is an idiot, plus most men don't need a woman to practically straddle his face to know when she fancies sex.

Bringme. Yeah right, I am jealous of the young drug addict lovelies with giant silicone breasts being double fucked.

Women don't like porn because it is DEGRADING AND DEHUMANISING to women.

I'm very self confident thanks, my objection ot porn isn't a self confidence one, it's a political one,

Sheesh, women have got v. depoliticised haven't they? What have thye been teaching them in schools?

pole dancing

flo even if he is wanking with out using porn he is not always going to be thinking about you. he is going to think about that girl on the bus or a woman at work or a situation he remembers or a fantasy he wants fulfilled, because masturbation is mostly stimulated by fantasy either mentally or visually. so if you dont mind him masturbating to these mental images is it purely because you can see the things that he may like to masturbate to?

Every cliche in the book bringmesunshine - well done .

HullyGully

There's a difference between disliking porn, and believing that everyone who uses it is an emotionless sex-pest in the making, who'll use their partner just to satisfy their perverted lustings.

There is also a very wide range of material that is classed as "porn". In this instance, I think the OP has suggested what their DH was looking at was more at the "Page 3" end of the spectrum, than the "chained up gang-bang" stuff which is utterly revolting (to any decent human being).

Should all readers of the Sun be locked up to save society?

(As it happens I think that answer is "yes", but for different reasons)

add not trying to be inflammatory btw genuinely interested.

Tits over the breakfast table insults all of us as evolved human beings.

I also don't think that the op was "suggesting" any end of the spectrum. Page 3 is just the paper end of the wedge. The fact that there are still daily tits in Britain's bestselling family newspaper makes me want to scattergun the cynical cunts who produce it.

Flojo I may be off the mark here but weren't you posting recently that your DP had left you because you'd asked him to start helping out a bit around your home? From what I can remember the general consensus was that he was treating you like crap. So now Im assuming he's back but is now using your PC to watch porn?

Why have you allowed him back - and why are you now allowing him to do this?

I'm sorry if I've got it all wrong but I think you really, really need to kick him out for good and work on your self-esteem.

You just can't argue with the razor sharp logic of someone who thinks that the only reason a lot of women don't like porn is because they're jealous.

Yes yes off I go to rescue my bra (and post) from the flames. Each to their own, some women are bothered by porn, others aren't.

Your response is contradictory. I think the women who appear in such films may also be degraded by being distilled down to "drug addicted lovelies with giant silicone breasts". Surely if your obection with the degradation you would describe those same women as victims of a misogynistic industry non?

Yes am sure some women's objections are political, but some undoubtedly feel threatened.

Thing is OPs partner obv likes it, which means:

a) silently fume about it
b) get over it
c) confront him
d) ask him not to do it again and explain why feel let down/betrayed
e) "dump the bastard"

None seem attractive, what I think OP would want (though obv don't know) is for OP to say that she was right it is degrading and he doesn't find it sexy, or if he doesn't feel that way to at least pretend or conceal his true feelings. Well, QED, he clearly doesn't feel porn is unsexy. So a circular problem.

Hully:

"Its a general site, one with everything on. He'd have been looking at womens boobs."

That's pretty vanilla imho. Aside from the rightness or wrongness of it (which is subjective), a majority(1) of men look at stuff at least that strong, and society has managed to hold together so far.

(1)yes, I'm claiming that >50% of men look at porn that is at least as strong, or stronger, than topless women. Because I believe that to be the case.

In response to one of OP's questions, No - looking at this stuff doesn't make him likely to stray. Because loads of men do (whether or not they are in a relationship) and it doesn't lead to a relationship breakdown.

Some of those relationships will have broken down, but that doesn't mean this is the reason.

Frankly the bigger issue is that he's choosing wanking over sex - either because he didn't think he was going to get any, or because he prefers a one-man show. That latter option is the bit you need to address, whether or not he's doing it over Katie Price or Mother Theresa.

If I am able to have relied on cliche then I am obviously not alone in my views. A cliche being so because it is a typically held response. It's a debate, there are two sides. Not agreeing doesn't mean anyone is wrong, just that people hold differing views on the same subject. Obv.

On the other hand, just to be contradictory, I DO have a problem with the (frankly unstoppable since the birth of titillation) use of porn, particularly on the internet, by teenage boys. Increase in false expectations, objectification of girls in their peer group, violence in relationships. But that is a whole different can of worms than a mature man in a committed relationship using porn.

Good post RGB

RGB I deliberately haven't poked fun at Dads spelling or typing because I felt it would be a cheap shot and miss the point - he may or may not be dyslexic or he might have missed out on a good education or he might be typing one handed with one of his sons on his lap. Who knows? It's the substance of what he is saying that I disagree with. He can type it any way he likes. Still comes out as morally bankrupt every time.

And on being 'hysterical' - funny that the first time this word pops up it is applied to a woman.

hys·ter·i·cal/hiˈsterikəl/Adjective

1. Deriving from or affected by uncontrolled extreme emotion: "hysterical laughter".
2. Extremely funny.

I would say that a 'raging hardon' (implying erect penises are uncontrollable) and must be followed to their logical conclusion is more than a 'bit' hysterical. It would also be funny in the sense of 2. if it wasn't just the kind of argument that leads to women being told they have to cover up/dress as X Y or Z to avoid being raped. My hand sometimes feels compelled to want to punch people talking shit. Thankfully, my brain controls my hand and I can stop myself because (a) it would be morally and legally wrong; and (b) there isn't a long entrenched all-pervasive myth about women being unable to control their urges to punch people as some kind of 'mitigation'.

Generalisations don't help, you're right there. As a man were you offended by Dad's assertions about all men too?

Hellatwork - great post!

OP i think he needs to be told that you find this unacceptable and that having the odd wank as well as sex with you is fine but leaving you on short measures is not.

Also if you have just moved in together shouldn't he be a bit more lustful for you?

When my DP and i moved in together (he had never lived with someone else and had a very 'single mentality'). I had to make this clear to him. He doesn't like porn (thankfully) but occasionally used to turn down sex and then sort himself out. It was just what he was used to and he was lazy.

When i explained that i was frustrated and to me this would only be okay if it was as well as, not instead of sex. We also took the pressure off by not making all our sexual activities penetrative; so if we just fancied a hand job we could do that for each other.

He was getting stressed about thinking that every shag should be some mega session (like it was before we moved in because we saw each other so infrequently).

However, i know some men absolutely refuse to give up porn so if you don't like it and he wont give it up you have to make a decision.

Jesus wept. You can be safe in the knowledge that my use of the word 'hysterical' wasn't a veiled piece of misogyny.

Yes, I was offended by Dad's comments, and maintain that he's a damn fool (though my typing comment was separate to his foolishness, it was just a topical cheap gag).

I hate that people try to claim that sex is harmless. It's about the most intensly emotional act (in a good or a bad way) you can conduct, and trivialising it like Dadof2 did pisses me off.