DD behaved abysmally and need to vent

[Innish22]

My DB looked after both of my DCs at the weekend and DD (11) and himself had a falling out. DB was furious when dropping them back and said outright that he won’t be looking after her again.
I don’t blame him and I’m very disappointed in her, but I also know that my brother holds grudges for ever, which means that this will cause friction for the wider family.
DD is digging in her heels and refuses to apologise, but she seemed upset this evening and I think that she is ashamed and will come around.
That’s it. I just needed to vent because it’s the last thing I needed to start the week.

The tone of the thread is equally concerning due to people either not reading or not understanding what OP has said. Sometimes kids are just nasty - they pick up and use these words without realising what they actually mean, and l’d say it’s pretty clear that’s what’s happened here, given the circumstances. DD didn’t report the incident to OP either. Her brother did.

She was nasty but she's 11. She was trying to get a reaction, she won't understand the full implications of what she said.

Your brother is being ridiculous. Yes, he should be angry but to hold a grudge against an 11 year old is dramatic and stupid.

Your brother would be chill with being accused of being a paedophile?

I bet if you spoke to him and asked that, he wouldn't be super jazzed with your kids.

Alarm bells for what ? Yes, DD was angry and admitted she had said it because she was mad at being told off. And OP isn’t dismissing anything from the point of view of her brother being ‘dramatic’. This is a serious matter and he knows it, he has every right to take it personally - how else is he supposed to take it - and every right to be angry. DD is conflating being gay with being a pervert. He isn’t being the slightest bit dramatic and if I were him I would insist that from now on I would not be anywhere near DD unless another adult was present.

Unless I’ve read this all incorrectly OP to me what your daughter says is extremely serious and could have dreadful repercussions for your brother.
No wonder he’s angry.
You need speak to her and make her understand what she said is worse than say (for example) swearing at him etc.
No one of whatever age should be throwing accusations around like this.

what do you mean you will be speaking to her, did you not do that immediately? That’s a horrendous and such a hurtful accusation to make. She should be suffering a serious punishment right now.

I refused to look after a friend's daughter for less than this. She went home after a week with us and made some weird comments about what we fed her. Her mother called me to check up on it. Pretty harmless really, but the next time I was asked to have her for a week, I declined. Who knew what else she was capable of coming up with?

I think DD will be suffering consequences in the wider family for some time to come. Everyone is going to feel they need to protect themselves around her.

Sorry but 11 year olds know what they say, and what she said was off the fucking scale just to get attention.

Im bi i like women too does that make me a perv because i like women and i also looked after a child once.
I would be just like your brother op id be pretty pissed off and never look after her again, if my neice said that about me.
If she gets away with it now what else will she say or even spread in the long run.

That’s a bit much,

I agree she should be punished, lose any electronics, grounded etc, but I don’t think notifying the school is appropriate at all.

Presumably Jackie Weaver. #heroine

This and ive seen it happen with families.

Trust me she knows. That’s why she said it. She did it to hurt, she’s admitted as much herself. She’s eleven, not five, and the op hasn’t said she has additional needs.

Blimey, OP. No wonder you’re stressed.

Why won’t your DD apologise? If she’s admitted she said it in retaliation to being told off.

You need a serious talk with her. On the one hand, she needs to know that if anyone does anything inappropriate to her, her sibling or another child, you’ll always believe her and so it’s very important she should tell you, as that’s a crime. On the other hand, you should explain that’s why it’s very serious to cry wolf and say it about someone if it’s not true. Because it’s accusing someone of a crime.

And finally, you need to explain to her (in an age-appropriate way) how calling gay men pedophiles is a long-standing homophobic trope. So, she should challenge people who she hears say that. And that gay men, like her uncle, used to be at risk of prison simply for being gay until 1967 - and 1990s in the military.

Hopefully, she’ll realise why her uncle is so upset. And hopefully, if she apologises to him, he’ll understand she’s a child ignorantly repeating things she’s heard and now understands and is sorry. If he holds a grudge, that’s on him. But TBF I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to look after your DC alone.

I think its true who will she blame next the teacher.

I don’t blame your DB for being angry. This is a very serious allegation. If I was DB I’d never be on my own with her ever again, I couldn’t trust that she wouldn’t make up something extremely damaging which could potentially impact the rest of his life. You’re being too soft on her.

Shes 11 not 4.

I agree with you.
Ive seen families torn apart over lies like this, and when the truth comes out its to late.

Where on earth would she get that from aged 11, OP? Who is saying those things around her? I bet she heard another homophobic adult say it about gay men and she is just repeating it.

I don't think your brother is being ridiculous, no wonder he is angry and hurt. It's such a serious allegation and insulting to your brother. Some kids just hrow around words like pedo, nonce etc like everyday insults .

Now she knows one little word can cause so much drama and get attention, what other little words is she going to use in the long run.
All kids her age must have heard the story of the boy who cried wolf.

Wow that"s really disgusting behaviour from your DD. I think that's unforgivable.

So because OP didn’t say it, you’re assuming the opposite is true ? Your comments are coming across as homophobic, because the OP has pretty much given the language used and the context - the child herself admitted she said it because she was angry at the time - and you’re still trying to turn it into something else. And all of this, despite the fact that it wasn’t DD who told OP of the conversation, it was OP’s brother himself. Pretty stupid to bring it to the attention of others if there’s any truth to it.

I can pretty much guarantee your child will use that word on the playground at school. Most 11yr old boys I've taught would. It's fairly common in primary schools.

Sounds like your child is more adult than your brother