No-one wants to come to 10yo's birthday

[MyChildHasNoFriends]

Just venting really. There's nothing I can really do about it.

DS is turning 10 in a few weeks. He's excited and wants a party. Unfortunately, not one of his 'friends' hitherto wants to come. None of them has invited him to their parties this year.

The ones I know well (because they all attend an activity that I run) have all invited one another, except DS, to birthdays, family gatherings and playdates. Their parents try to shush them but it's pretty obvious what they're talking about - and it comes out when the parents aren't around. The parents have all made vague excuses about being "busy" in mid November - when we have traditionally invited them all over to our house for the activity, followed by afternoon tea for DS' birthday. It's kind of worked the last 4 years, but it's obvious this year that the other kids in the activity (aged 11, 11, 12, 12, 13 and 14) have outgrown DS and find him annoying. They still do the activity sessions, because their parents make them: it helps them with their studies and I run it all for nothing.

Similarly the two families we know from other stuff have gone out of their way to be too busy to meet any time soon. It's also been obvious this year, during meetups that I've organised and paid for, that their kids close to DS's age find DS annoying and boring and that the only one who likes him is the 16 year old.

Family are all overseas. Similarly utterly uninterested cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

I guess DS needs new friends, and something interesting to happen on his birthday that distracts him from the idea of a party.

Does he nit have any school pals? The age ranges you've listed are tricky, as there's a fair amount of changes happen from tweens to early teens. I certainly saw with my 2 boys that the age gap of 2 years became a gulf at those ages. A 12/13/14 year old is definitely going to find a 10 year old annoying. Not because DS is annoying but just the age gap is.
So you've read the room correctly. I'd invite a few kids from school and maybe go to the cinema or something with a burger afterwards. That is low key and distracting and takes up plenty of time !

They are actually different ages though? It does make a difference. Does ds have any friends at school his age?
If you feel used re the study group, end it. I would consider that very seriously in your place.

Yes, it's a really tricky age. At school he has no real friends - and none he'd want to invite to a birthday. He used to be friends mostly with girls, but they are all in the hyper-cliquey tween phase now, and he has nothing in common with the sporty macho boys (and seemingly no ability to identify that some of the boys must not actually be that sporty or macho). Which is why he's generally been focused on the kids who come to the activity I run, because that's his passion and those kids all enjoy it too.

Yes, what about his classmates?

In your shoes I'd arrange a special treat just for him and not a party.

Then put the energy elsewhere. You can't keep chasing people who are not responding, it's unhealthy.

Our eldest child was always in the same boat and my heart broke for him.
We always did family treat days instead, finished off with a meal out somewhere.
Once he went to secondary school it all changed and he found his herd.
He’s been invited to more birthday cinema trips, jaunts into town etc in 2 year of secondary then he had for his entire time at primary school.
Hang on in there, it does get better!

I can’t imagine a 14 year old and probably also 12 year old really wanting to go to a 10th birthday party.

I guess there’s also a weird dynamic that he is the leaders son.

you need to find ways for him to make other friends - school, sign him up for other activities.

What do you mean they have outgrown him and find him annoying- is it just he is younger or acts a bit younger still (which can fine too)

They don’t actually sound like his friends just other kids who do an activity together

In your shoes I would be focusing on the school classmates more and trying to find buddies for him there as he still has a lot of schooling to go

Invite the girls he used to hang about with at school it may help him re establish those friendships at school. All of mine had mixed sex friend groups in year 5 and 6. There were lots of single sex groups but some were due to parent meet ups out of school.

I saw a Facebook post the other day by some young man demonstrating to boys how to make friends and how to have conversations which flow and encourage friendship. I thought it was a great idea. Basic, with examples of good and bad conversation. Really helpful for some boys. I’d maybe spend some time on conversation skills if he genuinely has no friends inside or outside of school. Personally I’d end the free study group and focus on that.

I do think there is a huge difference in maturity between different 9 and 10 year olds and kids get seen as irritating if they are immature and silly as some kids have hit puberty and are a bit more mature. I would invite kids from school over one on one (maybe see if the teacher thinks he gets on well with someone) and try and help him rather than do the free classes for the older kids.

I’d take him for a day out instead. Older kids of 14/12, really aren’t going to want to go to a 10 year old’s party, sorry.

Can the school help with friendships separately?

Is there something else you can do with him. Maybe a day out or something related to his hobby which really would be a reward for just the two of you? I think you have to accept that for this year there just won't be a party

Just to clarify, DS is one of those kids who likes discussing books, classical music, theatre, the news etc.

With kids his own age who are totally normal and sensible and lovely but who like Pokemon and K-Pop (or whatever), DS doesn't have much clue about what to say. He used to be able to just kind of play and chat with girls, but as their interests have matured, he has matured in a different direction. He gets on far better with adults than kids now.

We'll maybe go on an overnight trip to a museum in the next town that he loves, take him out to dinner, etc.

And you're right, the kids in the activity aren't really his friends. It's just that they have slightly more in common with him than the age peers at school.

Op I’d guess the fact you mention you pay for the activity and that it’s in your house that you don’t love doing it and it needs to stop- not in a bitter way just in a sorry I’m not doing it anymore way. And you need to see what things he could join instead with people of his own age. On the party thing we mostly do a family day out anyway, theme park, bowling, even hiking with a party

This is so sad. Have you spoken to school about his social difficulties?

I agree with the last posters. Take him away for a weekend instead.

Ps look up your local library to see what clubs they have and see if he’d like for example to start music if he likes classical music or start playing chess for example or if he likes Lego look at local brick clubs

My kid is having friendship issues and we are doing a big family treat thing instead of a party. We haven't said that's why!
It's difficult. Hopefully he'll find others he has more in common with soon.

Does he go to a theatre class outside of school? That might be a good place for him to make friends with kids with similar interests.

Not helpful for your party now but does he play an instrument if he likes classical music? Maybe that's what your hobby group is?

But as he gets older that ought to really open up friendships for him, particularly at secondary school. There's likely to be choir, orchestra, wind band, jazz band etc at secondary school and being involved will be very sociable. He'll be with his peers in those groups.

If he doesn't play anything yet get him to start now!

This is really sad OP. My son also struggled to make friends around the same age and his ‘friends’ all seemed to shake him off at a certain age. It was horrible. There were a lot of long (but also lovely looking back) weekends where it was just me and him - family live away. He started volunteering at a local heritage railway and made loads of friends at different ages there. It’s helped with his confidence in other areas and also helped him feel less alone. I kept saying they are just not his people at school but keep being friendly and he’ll reach an age where people start to be less sheep like and he’ll find it easier to make friends. He’s 15 now. Still doesn’t have loads of friends but is much more confident and does have a handful of very good friends. Good luck OP. Find something he can do which will build confidence outside of school.

Oh OP this is so so sad :( Your poor boy.
Thing is though, whilst the parents are behaving really shittily here, as they should be teaching their kids to be polite and grateful, who wants a load of fake friends at a party, and also why should you pay for them!
It sounds like a lovely day out to somewhere out the ordinary for you and him (and any siblings or dad if they are present) might be the best idea....put your money into something solely for him rather than aload of kids who don't deserve it anyway.

Rather than organising a party, can you take cake and sing happy birthday at the activity so he can blow out a candle with others and share some cake? And then plan something special for his actual birthday.

Organise something with him - a trip as you suggest to a museum, maybe a film or theatre as well.

I agree this sounds like an opportunity a special treat rather than a party. For the wider friendship issues, this can be hard when they are in primary school and don't have "mainstream" interests. Can he join more activity groups linked to his interests? Eg my DD had no real friends among her peers at primary school but made friends at her local theatre group.