No-one wants to come to 10yo's birthday

[MyChildHasNoFriends]

Just venting really. There's nothing I can really do about it.

DS is turning 10 in a few weeks. He's excited and wants a party. Unfortunately, not one of his 'friends' hitherto wants to come. None of them has invited him to their parties this year.

The ones I know well (because they all attend an activity that I run) have all invited one another, except DS, to birthdays, family gatherings and playdates. Their parents try to shush them but it's pretty obvious what they're talking about - and it comes out when the parents aren't around. The parents have all made vague excuses about being "busy" in mid November - when we have traditionally invited them all over to our house for the activity, followed by afternoon tea for DS' birthday. It's kind of worked the last 4 years, but it's obvious this year that the other kids in the activity (aged 11, 11, 12, 12, 13 and 14) have outgrown DS and find him annoying. They still do the activity sessions, because their parents make them: it helps them with their studies and I run it all for nothing.

Similarly the two families we know from other stuff have gone out of their way to be too busy to meet any time soon. It's also been obvious this year, during meetups that I've organised and paid for, that their kids close to DS's age find DS annoying and boring and that the only one who likes him is the 16 year old.

Family are all overseas. Similarly utterly uninterested cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

I guess DS needs new friends, and something interesting to happen on his birthday that distracts him from the idea of a party.

He went to a fortnightly complex board game activity that a school mate’s dad ran at their house for about three years for four of them who were definitely very geeky and not in step with the football crew.

As a parent in a similar position a lot of years ago, I made some changes to our home environment to give the DC more in common with their age group.
Think, swapping R4 for a local radio station. Watching a main stream kids show together.
We’d accidentally detached ourselves from everything other people cared about, which impacted the children’s ability to relate to others their age.

@MyChildHasNoFriends he sounds like my future son in law who I've known since he was 7! Never part of the herd, a bit awkward, niche interests in which he became an expert and does and loves, v clever boy who is now doing a v clever and highly paid job, speaks three languages. He grew into himself although I suspect he is v high performing ASD.

Give him time and freedom and love to flourish. The herd often exhausts itself and gels because its members are usually unremarkable.

Hopefully he can find more boys interested in the same thing when he starts high school

Is he an only child @MyChildHasNoFriends and are your interests the same?

Drama club would be the best place for him to engage with people and still get the opportunity to sing at panto. Our juniors club is ages 8 to 12.

Local libraries often have book clubs for children/teens
He sounds as if he has matured far faster than his peers, in my experience not many 9 / 10 year olds have his interests (sadly!)
I would also end this activity- you’re providing free childcare for ungrateful parents - why?! It doesn’t sound as if either of you are getting a lot out of it - also what is it?

He sounds lovely op. I hope he finds his tribe. One of my sons joined a lawn bowls club aged about 10. He's one of the few young players, he mainly likes to sit in the bar with a can of coke and listen to the chat. He still plays there now hes well into his teens and has joined some regional teams.

If he likes older people could you throw an afternoon tea party and invite them to drop in? Maybe they would like an invite. Either a smallish thing for people you know he likes or make it a sort of community thing in your church hall if it would feel weird in your house?

I took balloons and a cake to the bowling club for ds one time and he had a great time to himself.

Embrace his interests, even if they're not typical for his age. It sounds like you're doing that anyway. Good for you. So many people try to make their kids fit. So what if he has a birthday tea with a few 80 yr olds? So long as he ends the day feeling good about himself that's all that matters.

I know its heartbreaking to see. My eldest is very unique and her peers find her irritating. She is very academically bright but socially very awkward. We are waiting for an autism and adhd assesment. Ive realised that NT doesnt mean deficit she is so advance in all other areas but socially. She gets on better with adults and small children. Than her peers.

On to the party thing. The feeling of being not wanted is hurtful. Id think about what he would like to do youst the two of you. Maybe like a theater trip or a day trip. Mine love rollercosters.

On another note, I'd consider closing the group you run. Id consider if the environment is benefiting your child. What is he and you getting from it? If its a source of pain and exclusion for him I wouldnt continue it.

OP - I have been there with my lovely teen, when he was at primary he hung out with girls and then in y6 that largely stopped and then he didn’t really have anyone except a couple of friends he used to see very occasionally. I was dreading secondary but things were so much better for him there. He actually ended up reconnecting with some old friends, made a couple of new friends and was so much happier. He’s now in sixth form and has such a great bunch of male and female friends and has a great social life.

I know it’s heartbreaking when they don’t have any friends but honestly things can change very quickly and positively.

sending lots of love to you both.

Yes.

My year 5 boy is quiet and not into football or anything and it has made it a little tricky, but at school he’s made a close circle of friends who look out for him. It helps that I’ve also cultivated good friendships with the mums so we are invited to parties and do things at weekends etc.

I would look for other activities where these friendships can be cultivated, you might need to help facilitate this too.

As for the “activity” you run, I’d probably wind it down now.

Having just posted a huge thing about hanging out with older people, I do think there's some truth in this too.
So as always, you're looking for the elusive happy medium that keeps as many doors open as possible.

Just coming onto say exactly this.

It used to break my heart and I used to worry about him so much.

He found his tribe in high school though, and he thrived.

There ended up being a group of about 16 by the final year, boys and girls. They were a really nice bunch.

They were the kids who were so quirky/nerdy, they ended up being the ‘cool’ group by the time they went to University.

They 30 now, the friendships are still going strong, and various members still meet up from time to time. They drift in and out depending on life and where they happen to be living.

A group of them were staying at my DS’s house last weekend.

It really does get better.

@MyChildHasNoFriends I have been there, both myself and one of my daughters. His interests and emotional maturity/intelligence are out of synch with his physical age. I was lucky to find a few kindred spirits along the way as I was growing up, as was my daughter, but it can look very isolating to adults. Honestly I'd stop trying to hold traditional birthday parties, and say to him "You know, these boys aren't really interested in the same things we are, how about for your birthday we have a treat just for us?" Off the top of my head, given what you've said about his interests, a trip to see an opera or classical concert, and a special meal out? If the budget allows, maybe make make it an overnight stay?

Don't worry too much, he'll find his tribe somewhere some day.

@MyChildHasNoFriends The message I've quoted could easily be describing me (although I'm female). I have Aspergers (diagnosed as an adult) and, in childhood, had pretty much no friends, having been brought up by older parents on a diet of Radio 4, crosswords, visits to museums and no television (but hundreds of books).

As an adult I've gone on to have two very successful careers, had relationships (although I now prefer to live alone other than my animals) and have a fantastic daughter and son-in-law. Your boy will be just fine 😊Why not let him create the ideal birthday outing (on the basis that 'everyone does boring parties') and I'm sure you'll then be able to find children just as beautifully individual to him who will enjoy the day.

Have you spoken to school about this?
Rather than reading a book about it some schools will have staff who do pastoral roles and work with children in small groups on things like social skills and interaction.

Also is he an only child?

I definitely think big family days out are the way to go at that age. He'll probably remember it more and feel more special because all the attention will be on him.

I'm sure there are other children around his age who do like the things he does and perhaps there are specific interest clubs he can join and make new friends that way. Libraries sometimes have details of these.

Hope he has a good birthday 🎂

A night at a museum sounds brilliant. With his music interests I think he'll find his people when he's a little older. I went on residential youth orchestra trips, a lot of children like yours were there. Hopefully there's a secondary school around that will suit him and might have one or two like minded children?

Is he autistic? Obviously there are kids who prefer to connect with adults/love classical music and church organ who are NOT autistic but not many. If you think he may be neurodivergent then he needs neurodivergent friends, that's where he will find his people.

It sounds like you are very busy but any way you could start a club like the one you describe? I’m sure there are similar children who would love somewhere to go themselves.

Assuming he probably is neurodivergent, he's not neurodivergent enough to qualify for anything like social skills groups, though I can ask the school about this. I do agree we've all kind of cut ourselves off from mainstream interests, though I'd assumed that music would be a relatively mainstream interest with youth orchestra and national secondary schools' orchestra etc. Naively i had thought church choir would be good for him because it wasn't with boys, but I hadn't anticipated the degree to which he would be totally invisible to girls. I sincerely hope he gets into a secondary school that suits him.

Don't worry about it, OP.

Plays in 3 orchestras and has loads of interests. Music nerd (that's a compliment, not an insult).

He's going to be one of those cool intellectual types that's massively popular with girls at uni.

However if as you say he wants to have a party and loads of friends he's going to have to do typical 10yo boy stuff and then typical 11 and 12yo boy stuff. Which he will probably find boring.

Do you have an Escape Rooms type activity near you? Shouldn't be too hard to find 1 or 2 others to join in and then go for hamburgers afterwards.

I agree with what others have said, there’s a huge difference between and a 10 and 14 year old, and if you are the group leader they have probably felt obliged to come along previously. You should enrol your son in classes he is interested in where he’ll meet others with the same interest like drama or chess or whatever he enjoys.

Sounds tough... Your son sounds great and I'm sure he'll find his tribe in time.

Could you do cake &happy birthday at the session/group you run when it's closest to his birthday so the kids he would ideally like to celebrate with are there but it's not actually a party.

If your son wants friends then he might need a some support on how to go about it. He'll never find people whose interests exactly match his own. That isn't how friendship works. If he is being annoying then he needs to learn what people find annoying and how to avoid annoying them. This year would be a good time to develop those skills so that he can use them when he starts secondary school.

Does he want a party. Or do you want a party and he’s going along. I ask as my son sounds similar. His interests are birds, nature, history etc and he also converses better with adults than his peers. He doesn’t actually care about a party. He’ll choose one person he gets on with and have them over to eat pizza and that is enough. Or he’ll choose a thing to do as a family and he’s fine. In fact he prefers it. It took me longer than I’d like to realise that this was actually better.