No-one wants to come to 10yo's birthday

[MyChildHasNoFriends]

Just venting really. There's nothing I can really do about it.

DS is turning 10 in a few weeks. He's excited and wants a party. Unfortunately, not one of his 'friends' hitherto wants to come. None of them has invited him to their parties this year.

The ones I know well (because they all attend an activity that I run) have all invited one another, except DS, to birthdays, family gatherings and playdates. Their parents try to shush them but it's pretty obvious what they're talking about - and it comes out when the parents aren't around. The parents have all made vague excuses about being "busy" in mid November - when we have traditionally invited them all over to our house for the activity, followed by afternoon tea for DS' birthday. It's kind of worked the last 4 years, but it's obvious this year that the other kids in the activity (aged 11, 11, 12, 12, 13 and 14) have outgrown DS and find him annoying. They still do the activity sessions, because their parents make them: it helps them with their studies and I run it all for nothing.

Similarly the two families we know from other stuff have gone out of their way to be too busy to meet any time soon. It's also been obvious this year, during meetups that I've organised and paid for, that their kids close to DS's age find DS annoying and boring and that the only one who likes him is the 16 year old.

Family are all overseas. Similarly utterly uninterested cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

I guess DS needs new friends, and something interesting to happen on his birthday that distracts him from the idea of a party.

Nobody is calling the OP's child lesser, please link the post where someone said that?

They have fairly accurately noted that it's likely he needs help with social skills. The evidence for that is laid out by the fact despite doing activities with kids with shared interests, he doesnt have any friends!!

Nobody is saying he is lesser, but its pretty arrogant/foolish to blame his lack of friendships all on the other children, saying its that the other children arent right for him, arent suited to his intellect etc.

This boy has not managed at the age of 10 to make any friends, he attends school and attends extra curricular avtivities aligned with his interests, alongside other kids. So its a pretty clear conclusion to draw that his social skills need work.

Your son sounds like a really interesting kid! I am a professional musician, and I teach a lot as well as freelancing etc. I coach youth orchestras and regularly run residential courses as well. He will be fine. Things might be a bit lonely at school, but he will be living his best life when he finds his “tribe”, who will probably be a lot like him. It’s just a difficult age right now. It won’t always be this way.

You are right, OP, that DS will almost certainly find his tribe a bit further down the line.

I think you have done a fantastic job at supporting him and encouraging him to find friends. It isn't always easy when a child is out of step with typical interests, but looking for other places where young people with his interests gather will be useful. As I said above, I think the suggestions of drama clubs is a good one to pursue. There is no point pushing the activity you were organising, as that ship has clearly sailed.

In the meantime, and while you support him in finding his tribe, remember there is nothing wrong or shameful in him enjoying adult company. The most important thing is that he has company and interaction that stimulates and provides interaction. Yes, of course you want to encourage same-age friendships, but I also think it is important you don't give the message he somehow needs to change who is is or conform to some sort of "normal" that doesn't reflect his own interests as being of value. And plenty of people WILL enjoy his company and him for who he is; it's just a matter of finding them.

Yes, we cross-posted. Exactly this OP.

This exactly.

It is sad OP but hopefully he will find people who he likes and want to be friends with him later this year or in secondary school.

From 11 we did cinema and McDonald's.
Most kids like that.
My DD has a 31st August birthday. Loads of people cry off. She organized her own events from 16. She's a geek too and doesn't care one bit now. At 11- 15 she didn't fit in. Sixth form and university have been much better.

How about a special day out instead to a theme park or something DS is interested in rather than a party? Such a shame when other children start to distance themselves from other children they are usually friendly with but it happens in life unfortunately 😕 I'm sure you'll come up with something lovely to make your DS feel special on his birthday 🙂

Is he an only child?
one of my kids had a very similar experience at primary school, and was lonely for a time, ostracised by close friends due to their prowess at a particular hobby they all wanted to do but weren’t as good at.
it was sad but we adjusted and did things as a family etc and I kept saying you’ll find your tribe in high school which they did, and flourished in terms of friendships and experiences outside of school

I think you've built a really solid foundation of interests and just around the corner are relationships that will click for him.

Do not whatever you do let screens and/or gaming fill whatever void you feel is there. That will not make things better.

Just let it be, and the wheel of fortune will keep turning, and it will feel better very soon.

Very curious about what the home run activity is!

On the friends front, is it worth considering a) an audition for the National Children's Orchestra and b) an application for an 11+ Music Scholarship to a private school?

I work in a private prep school and, while most of the children share the mainstream interests and social behaviour of all children, there are always a few in every year group (more often boys than girls) who sound very like your son and make their own little close knit social groups based around their music, coding or reading interests. If your son is ND, there also seems to be a much higher proportion of ND children in many private schools than would be statistically likely (many thepries as to why that aren't really relevant here).

His father is a classicist and his mother an art historian

What is the relevance of this?

Most of the kids at my children’s school have educated, professional parents, but they are still kids who like football or K-Pop or whatever.

A 10 year old who wants to talk about classical music, or travel, is no more or less interesting to me than a 10 year old who wants to talk about football or pokemon. It doesn’t matter what that child’s parents do for a living, they are still operating at the same level of understanding as any other 10 year old, and beyond sounding impressive, they are still children who are being humoured by adults.

Some children are super sociable with loads of friends and others are more solitary - just like adults.
Maybe stop talking about birthday parties and the like with him and have birthday meals and birthday activities instead.

I wouldn't expect a 14 year old to invite a soon to be 10 year old to a party, even if they are the child of someone who runs an activity their parents make them go to.

Perhaps stop the activity and enrol your child in clubs that meet his age appropriate needs as well as interests and activities.

Yes, I do agree about the importance of finding common ground with peers - and that skill remains throughout life.

And yes, some children are pushed to sound impressive to adults.

But not EVERY child who is bright and enjoys adult company is socially challenged to a greater extent than their peers, and not every bright child is "putting it on." Some are genuinely interested in these things - and genuinely interesting if given a chance.

The issues are the age difference and wrongly assuming they are his friends when in fact they are just attending a free activity you provide (I'd be minded to stop this).

You are right in that he will eventually find his tribe.

In the meantime, there is no point trying to arrange a party. Make a fuss of him and arrange something that you know he will really enjoy.

I would suggest he joins something like Scouts. He should be able to meet some new friends there.

The relevance is he had pertinent information that did make it genuinely interesting.

ETA and actually the reason why I was discussing that child was because, having seen the sort of conversation he was interested in having, I could quite understand why he wasn't finding the group conversation interesting. And my point is there was actually nothing more socially "off" about him than the others. They were just different.

But yes, it is important children try to find common ground with others, but that goes two ways, and dismissing a child as a boring little misfit isn't any better or worse as a social skill than not knowing much about Pokemon cards.

Awww OP I feel your pain. My DD turned 9 in the summer holidays but we pretended everyone was away and took her on a day trip instead as we knew it would be a tricky one to get people together.

My DD sounds similar, I bet she’d get on with your son. She’s not in any of the girl cliques and most of her friends/acquantances that she does have at school are the quieter/geekier boys as opposed to girls.

Is he in Y7? I am really hoping that secondary will be a time for DD to find her people.

Here is an example from @RosaNovella : I agree that being able to talk to adults doesnt make a child mature, its often poor social skills and being unable to relate to other children

And when I posted: I hear, and agree with, what you are saying about him needing to learn ways to connect with his age group if he is going to make age-group friends, but many very bright children do chat better with adults as their concepts are more suited to adult conversation. It's aberrative for sure, and he would do well to develop his give and take with his own age group, but I think you are being a bit harsh implying his social skills are somehow lesser than an average 10 year old. They are different: different strengths, different weaknesses.
your response to that was that you disagree.

And @Vivi0 went so far as to say there is "nothing" a 10 year old could say that would pique her interest. It's just a generally dismissive stereotyping of very bright children as boring little misfits whom no-one wants to talk to, not the children and not even the adults, who are just suffering them.

Well, that isn't necessarily true for all, and, in particular, I think Op is making a really concerted effort to help her DS make connections, including age-appropriate ones, and I'm not sure any of that negative and ultimately derisive stereotyping is fair or helpful. It's all very well to talk about snobbery, but inverted snobbery is a thing too.

And it isn't a case of blaming the other children for not being bright enough. No-one has said that. What it IS a case of is accepting we all have differences and weaknesses and being a bit human about accommodating them without needing to look to place "blame" on either side of the equation to encapsulate the mismatch.

I think gently encourage him that there are lots of other fun activists he can enjoy instead of a party. If he struggles do much socially would he realistically still enjoy a party? I know he’s saying he wants one but perhaps he doesn’t know there are other options.

I’d tell him most kids don’t have parties every year as there are other things they can do instead. I’d take him for a day out somewhere or a night away and let him chose where and what.

It is awful when kids are isolated but as you say, he will find his tribe.

None of those are examples of any poster describing the OP's child as lesser? They were talking about the childs social skills, not the child themselves being lesser.

Strongly agree with this. Look at some activities that suit his interests. Here are some ideas, including some that may be totally off-target but perhaps will suggest other avenues for him to find kids his age who he might click with.

• Choir
• Youth band (some councils and charities offer free or subsidised youth music groups)
• St John's Ambulance youth group - "Badgers" - they learn useful skills and many stay for the social side. Red Cross do similar.
• Historical re-enactment groups. Some run camps for kids and their parents.
• Theatre / drama is great for building confidence with peers as you're interacting in a structured environment. Maybe look for eg musicals, Shakespeare, rather than more poppy productions.
• Sports - archery? Table tennis? Something involving time to chat in between bouts.

You need a special trip. A theme park? A night away? A zoo?

Well I am trying to say the social skills themselves are not necessarily lesser, just out of step.

It may be OP feels her DS's are "lesser", but I don't think we are in a position to simply assume that.

Sounds like he us already in county music groups but it of a standard to be playing with young teens rather than his own age who will likely just be beginning their instruments at the moment. So it isn't helping currently.

I wonder if there's benefit to him learning a new completely different instrument so he can go back to the beginners groups to meet some same aged children?

I agree but that doesnt apply here

Op runs an activity, that doesnt give her automatic rights over a group of people