No-one wants to come to 10yo's birthday

[MyChildHasNoFriends]

Just venting really. There's nothing I can really do about it.

DS is turning 10 in a few weeks. He's excited and wants a party. Unfortunately, not one of his 'friends' hitherto wants to come. None of them has invited him to their parties this year.

The ones I know well (because they all attend an activity that I run) have all invited one another, except DS, to birthdays, family gatherings and playdates. Their parents try to shush them but it's pretty obvious what they're talking about - and it comes out when the parents aren't around. The parents have all made vague excuses about being "busy" in mid November - when we have traditionally invited them all over to our house for the activity, followed by afternoon tea for DS' birthday. It's kind of worked the last 4 years, but it's obvious this year that the other kids in the activity (aged 11, 11, 12, 12, 13 and 14) have outgrown DS and find him annoying. They still do the activity sessions, because their parents make them: it helps them with their studies and I run it all for nothing.

Similarly the two families we know from other stuff have gone out of their way to be too busy to meet any time soon. It's also been obvious this year, during meetups that I've organised and paid for, that their kids close to DS's age find DS annoying and boring and that the only one who likes him is the 16 year old.

Family are all overseas. Similarly utterly uninterested cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

I guess DS needs new friends, and something interesting to happen on his birthday that distracts him from the idea of a party.

Is there a concert on locally, we have a few 'classic rock' , 'classical by candlelight ' type stuff on fairly frequently around here.
My son was a little like your lad, sung in a male choir though which helped with skills with other boys. The introduction of girls later meant an exodus of boys! He had no interest in football or sport stuff.
I second a special day out, museums, concert then pizza/ burger or a nice 'posh' meal and work on expanding his network for next year.
He will become 'cooler' in mid teens when girls realise the pop/ music stars they admire started off like your lad.

I’m super curious about the activity too. It sounds like it’s run its course really - any reason you can’t just wind it down now? It served its purpose for several years but no one is enjoying it now. Would free your son up a bit too.

My (autistic) daughter struggles socially. She’s a dancer and the bulk of her free time is spent at class but she doesn’t do a lot of socialising otherwise. I think uni and later will be easier for her - she just doesn’t get most teens and is really uninterested in what most of the kids are into just now. She likes old books and conversations about social justice and has a lot to say about suffragettes. She has nothing to say about makeup. I think she’ll find some interesting friends when she’s older so we focus a lot on encouraging her interests, taking her to musicals and ballets, and supporting her in dance.

This, this, this, this !!!!

I mean this kindly, but Autistic people often end up as lonely adults. There is not guarantee that if she meets other autistic girls that they will also be interested in the suffragettes. They might be focused on makeup!

The reason neurotypical people make and keep friends easer is they have the ability to be flexible. They might be interested in something, but can feign interest or develop enough of an interest in pokemon, makeup etc to bond with others and find common ground e.g. sense of humor. I have a large group of friends and we all like different things, but can bond with each other enough.

This is where social skills training comes in. It's fine to be really enthused by classical music/the suffragettes, but other people might not want to be om the receiving end of a lecture about it, and learning how to navigate social relationships, while still being true to yourself and enjoying the things you enjoy, is key to developing meaningful relationships. It comes naturally to some and is hard for others, but it can be taught so people find it a bit easier, and I think it's a mistake not to try it. In the same way not everyone finds maths easy, but saying in reception 'oh they don't like maths so no point in them trying to learn any of it' is not in the best interests of the child.

Do 10 year old boys have parties? I’d invite 2 or 3 school friends to something special. We went to a very expensive restaurant that welcomed dc. Thanks to Raymond Blanc. Find a day out and something dc will actually want to come to. Over the years we did a theme park, Zoo, theatre show, and didn’t do a party beyond 8. Boys went to football and rugby, (that might not be his thing!) but theatre and the zoo (we liked Whipsnade) or even a day in London work for 10 year olds.

I think it’s fair if the other boys have outgrown your DS a bit, as long as they’re not being mean to him in person.

I’d either do a whole class party for his school friends or if he doesn’t want that take him for a treat day out instead of a party.

What is the benefit for you and your son of running this activity?
it does come across that you’re being taken advantage of, I’d say of your own doing in a way as you’ve obviously been happy to provide this ‘club’ or activity and pay for stuff.
but it sounds like in the past your son has benefitted from the friendship it’s brought with it.

now that’s not the case and your son is being actively excluded. I understand the ages of the other children mean it’s ok for them to have grown away from a 9, soon to be 10 year old but I certainly wouldn’t be facilitating that in my own home or at my own cost.

i suggest you give notice that you’ll be stopping the activity at the end of November as Christmas / December will be busy for everyone and then that’s it, you have decided not to continue in the new year.
if parents suddenly claim you, your son, or the activity is the best thing ever and “they / their boys so sad” then just thank them for their comments and say while it’s been great, it’s not something you feel works for your family now.

We had a similar situation and DS got a special day out instead of a party because I knew no one would come. We’ve moved schools in part due to this and it has helped but appreciate at 10 that probably isn’t an option as he’ll be moving in September?

Yes, does he actually want a party with a bunch of kids from school, or is that just what you think is "normal"?

Have you asked him what he would like to do?

I would get tickets to a show or event of his choice, and maybe an overnight hotel and make a big special trip of it.

Hi OP, my 10 year old daughter is similar to your son in that she is different from her school peers , she looks much older and is very tall but is more child like in temprement , she plays a few instruments , loves 80’s rock music , animae and 80’s movies. The girls in her class love Cats eye and are all in a snap chat group. We dont do socoal media , mobile phones for our kids etc as we think its toxic at such a young age.

She has one good friend in school but none in the many afterschool activities she is part of for years. She is bubbly friendly and talks to everyone but is still on the outside she feels the exclusion so deeply. We foucus on her talants and achievements and how being herself is the best thing to be. She tries so hard to fit in and she feels lost. I wish I could show her a snippet of the future as my beautiful quirky girl is on her way to becoming a truly amazing young woman who I'm sure many will be proud to call a friend when she finds her people. I feel for you too I know how heartbreaking it is to see their hurt and not be able to fix it . Our kids will take the road less travelled but will have learnt kindness , resillience , humanity , and the gift of truly being yourself. ❤️

Another option could be to do a large or medium sized mixed sex school party. Children you know through school usually tend to come even if they're not close friends. Presumably there are both girls and boys that he gets on well enough with and is used to collaborating with in school even if there aren't close friendships. Something activity based so there's not loads of chat expected.

Yes, this is sensible. I’m thinking back to the boy I went to school with. I was one of the ‘kind girls’ who would try to be his friend and take an interest in his hobbies as I could see he was being left out by the boys. It was a lot of effort for me and meant that I missed out on playing with my friends, which is what I really wanted to be doing.

I eventually realised that it was all one sided. I would listen to him talk about his interests (try to be interested and ask questions) but he had no tolerance for me talking about mine and also did not really seem to appreciate the effort I was making or care wether I was there or not. I still occasionally see him as an adult and he ignores me, so that’s the thanks I got 🤣 Like you say, nobody has friends with the exact same set of interests but it’s good manners and sociable to not just dismiss other kids’ interests as not your thing. If this isn’t coming naturally, some work around this sounds worthwhile.

my good friend was in this situation about 3 years ago with her daughter. She was sending her daughter to an out of school activity and went out of her way to encourage the friendship her dd made there. Only to discover they really weren’t interested in her dd. (She is an only child with a large personality and can be a little over bearing.) Friend had actively discouraged friendships with local kids near home and her dad had no friends in school.

She had to really sit down and allow dd to make
her own social connections. I think she really struggled with it. Especially since it was difficult for her.

It's fine to be really enthused by classical music/the suffragettes, but other people might not want to be om the receiving end of a lecture about it, and learning how to navigate social relationships, while still being true to yourself and enjoying the things you enjoy, is key to developing meaningful relationships.

I can’t recall reading anywhere that OP's DS was actually 'lecturing' anyone about classical music? 'Enjoys discussing' was the term she used.

OTOH it's fine for boys to be obsessed with football, sport etc. because that’s judged to be 'normal'…

Whole class party will just result in no shows. More angst. Don’t even think it. Just something special for maybe 2 from school. They will come if it’s special. Talk to the parents first. We found doing something others didn’t do worked better.

If he is meeting a lot of children and not making friends at all...he may be autistic and personally I would want the diagnosis as it will help you all understand his social struggles

Most adults will humour a 10yo chatting to them about an interest, it doesnt mean that the child actually has adult social skills or that child will thrive in social situations as an adult. Most adults are capable of adjusting their social skills to encourage a child to chat, hence why ND children can often talk to adults easier than their peers

Gently I would say if hes unable to make friends his own age he does have poor social skills. Being unable to relate to your peers, only being able to socialise with people that share the same niche interests are poor social skills

I think there's a lot of bs on this thread, its unlikely at secondary theres going to be a crowd of boys who love classical music and the news. Its unlikely that he will thrive as an adult if hes not made friends to that date

Personally I would look at introducing some interests that are slightly more common in his age, a theatre group rather than just orchestra. Listen to some current music, watch some TV that children like. Give him something to talk and relate to other children

This is my son. He loves books and 90’s indie music. He’s 10 too. He does like football though and goes the match with his dad so he has something “common” to talk about with the boys at school.

the difficult is looking at the ages - they have moved up to high school and your son is still in junior school and they probably think he’s childish. I would encourage him to try and find friends out side of the activity you run. What else does he do?

Is he neurodivergent? I wonder with him not being sporty and having more girls than boys who are friends? My son was exactly the same and it's common for ND kids to have social difficulties. Can you do some exciting experience for his birthday just with family? There are no easy answers, I'm afraid, but your support will go a long way to help him.

Your problem here is your expectation that a group of older kids will want go to a younger kids party. He's 9 years old turning 10 therefore primary age, these kids are all secondary aged. Theres a really big gulf betweem a 9/10 year old and kids age 12-14 maturity wise and you are being unreasonable not to see that.
Just because they tolerate him at an activity does not make them his friends.
Why not invite peers from school who are his age?

Tbh i think you made a mistake just ignoring the school kids and focusing on these activity kids as this was always going to happen at some point due to the age gap. He needs friends at sch and its not surprising he has none if every year hes not invited anyone from school to his birthday and im guessing as never invited anyone over to play either. Kids dont actually have to share all the same interests to get along, my son isnt sporty at all but still gets on with a couple of sporty kids. You seem to have just written off the whole class of kids.

You havent done him any favours socially OP im sorry. My son likes all the things you've suggested but i also ensured he was exposed to some contemporary culture to like pokemon, minecraft, current tv shows, because otherwise you are setting them up for a tough time socially. Sometimes kids need to go a bit outside their comfort zone to connect with other kids, start fostering some more contemporary interests as this issue will only multiply at secondary. Just because he likes classical music doesnt mean he cant like pokemon too, they arent mutually exclusive.

Not helpful, but I will say when I worked in libraries I genuinely adored children like yours. They made my day.

You can't fix this year's birthday party but you can overspend a little on a big day out/overnight stay catered to his interests, and make him remember the day with fondness anyway.

I think that's the mistake people are making. Waiting for the 'perfect' friend to come along who shares all the exact same interests, so they will be more willing to listen to someone talking about it. But actually, that is very unlikely, and still might not work if they don't get on/rub ach other up the wrong way.

The ability to get along with people and make connections with people who are different to you is really undervalued I think. If you mention your interest and someone doesn't seem bothered, then pivoting and asking them about something they've mentioned, and trying to find some common ground is how you make a tenative connection. Just carrying on or rejecting them as 'normal/common' will leave you lonely.

Is he spending enough time with children? Or is he one of those kids who is always with adults so doesn’t have social skills with kids? Does he go to any groups outside school which you aren’t present at? I think all those things will help.