No-one wants to come to 10yo's birthday

[MyChildHasNoFriends]

Just venting really. There's nothing I can really do about it.

DS is turning 10 in a few weeks. He's excited and wants a party. Unfortunately, not one of his 'friends' hitherto wants to come. None of them has invited him to their parties this year.

The ones I know well (because they all attend an activity that I run) have all invited one another, except DS, to birthdays, family gatherings and playdates. Their parents try to shush them but it's pretty obvious what they're talking about - and it comes out when the parents aren't around. The parents have all made vague excuses about being "busy" in mid November - when we have traditionally invited them all over to our house for the activity, followed by afternoon tea for DS' birthday. It's kind of worked the last 4 years, but it's obvious this year that the other kids in the activity (aged 11, 11, 12, 12, 13 and 14) have outgrown DS and find him annoying. They still do the activity sessions, because their parents make them: it helps them with their studies and I run it all for nothing.

Similarly the two families we know from other stuff have gone out of their way to be too busy to meet any time soon. It's also been obvious this year, during meetups that I've organised and paid for, that their kids close to DS's age find DS annoying and boring and that the only one who likes him is the 16 year old.

Family are all overseas. Similarly utterly uninterested cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

I guess DS needs new friends, and something interesting to happen on his birthday that distracts him from the idea of a party.

This, you will find the classical music loving kids at your local music centre in choirs or orchestras. Its rare to find a child whos knowledgeable or interested in this but doesnt play/sing.

Tons of kids like books and at our school they all watch newsround etc. Have you been regularly having classmates over through primary school to support him building friendships there? A group with only older kids was never going to replace friends at school.

Echoing the advice about talking to the school and also finding a theatre or music group.

I would not stop the free activity if your son (and you) enjoy it, as long as the kids and parents are polite and say thanks. But I’d accept that it isn’t going to lead to close friendships.

It's really shit isn't it. We had exactly the same around that age, not one person responded. In the end, I pulled him from school for the day and we went on a day trip somewhere he really wanted to go that was a bit further and more expensive than we would usually go. I told him it was a special treat and when he asked about a party I told him we couldn't do both because of the cost I didn't want to tell him no one wanted to come!

The following year we went out with friends who have younger children, and the year after than he invited one child from his class to come over and play the switch. DS has never had any friends at school. It's really hard. No one is horrible to him or anything, but no one wants to be friends with him. He does a couple of clubs out of school and has one friend from there (although I think it's more of a no one wants to group with either of them so they're left together kind of friendship).

If this activity is at your house then it might be quite boring for a group of 12-14 year olds and afternoon tea - just no. Couldn't he ask just one friend of even two friends to something a bit more exciting.

If he really wants a party, what about a whole-class school party? He doesn’t have to have loads in common with them but he’ll be with them for the foreseeable future and it’s no bad thing to encourage them to rub along.

Okay so from his interests what about a church choir, drama group, musical centres (sometimes music schools do all morning ones on a Saturday). Dance lessons. A book club. Instrument lessons and looking at county orchestras and ensembles. If he doesn’t want to act, he could look at backstage or sets. Look at the county music education services (we have one who does a variety of Saturday am classes quite cheap).

Chat to other kids who like any music, listen to their suggestions and discuss albums. If anyone plays an instrument in class can they get together to jam - this may help get him ready for secondary.

Yes, I realise the activity won't lead to close friendships.

He does a lot of classical music already, plays in 3 orchestras, sings in a church choir, plays organ for church services etc. At the church he's friends with all the pensioners in the congregation, as the choir is all tween/teenage girls who ignore him. At the kids' orchestra there are a few more boys, but it's still mostly tween girls, and there's a lot of incompetent playing, jostling for position and cliquey behaviour, which he largely opts out of. He gets on better with the adults in the other two orchestras. He'll find his tribe in a few years when he's old enough for the youth orchestra (it's ages 13-25, about 1/3 are uni music students), and most of the kids he's currently mixing with will have either dropped out or not got into the youth orchestra.

I used to invite kids from school round for playdates, but as I've said upthread, they were girls and that's dropped off completely in the last year or two.

I need to find a facilitated book club or news discussion group or something for him, I think.

Have your own family celebration, go away for the weekend,stay somewhere special. We did this as our DC got that bit older, I think parties are a pain! I know the children have fun but they can also be upsetting, who’s invited, who’s not.
We stayed at some great places over the years, Marwell zoo and Hotel, Legoland hotel, Chessington Hotel, short breaks at different Haven resorts.
Our 2nd DS, his birthday is early August we could get away without a party-he had some when he was young , we’re not that mean but when he was 9+ we asked him if he wanted to go away instead and he always did. We did the same with our eldest and their younger Dsis
Hope you have a lovely time for his birthday, Happy Birthday 🥳

Speak to school to see if he has pals. And choose secondary school carefully. Some will have a better fit

The activity is good. Maybe do a cake or something at end of it but it won't lead to friendships

But mine are in the older category and wouldn't want to go to. 10 birthday. That age is brutal.

For his birthday go away. Do something nice as a family. Hope he has a lovely time.

I think he will just fit in better when he's the sane age as the average age at the orchestra. Sounds like he is just out of step at the moment because he's ahead in his abilities for his age. Sucks for him now, but it ought to get easier.

Immediate solution is treat as family day out not party.

i found parties dropped off at that age anyway and yes older teens will absolutely not want to come.

presume he’ll be at secondary soon which has a much wider friendship group.

re music, yes can be female dominated especially church music. My dc didn’t like it for that reason.

music services usually have a variety of ensembles so depending on what he plays he could join more than one.

my dc played brass so joined the local brass band which was roughly equal male/frmale.

Is he bothered? I don’t think you’ve actually mentioned what he thinks or feels about this. I ask as I went to school with a boy who struggled to make friends and preferred to talk to adults. His mum was lovely and used to try to facilitate his friendships with classmates with parties, days out etc but he never seemed interested in us, the fellow kids, and would end up talking to our mums.

I think you're focused on feeling a bit cross with the other dc, and your efforts would probably be better directed in working with his teachers to improve his social skills and help him build friendships.

It sounds as if he doesn't understand friendship very well, if he's misunderstanding that people who share an activity, or older people at church are friends. His school might be willing to support this through their pshe curriculum, and you could scaffold at home with discussions or books. I think it would be a mistake and doing him a disservice to focus on him being "out of step" and that everything will be fine when he hits a certain age, when you could help him to build the skills to have more rewarding friendships now.

I have a dc with autism, so can connect to some of this. Some of the things that helped us were lots of coaching and playing through social scenarios with toys, hosting a lot of 1:1 playdates so relationships could be built without the complexity of group dynamics, and finding groups that shared their special interests.

For the birthday, I agree that a special day out is probably a good alternative.

I dont think the parents are behaving "really shittily" as you put it. They cant (and shouldnt be) forcing their 12/13/14 year olds to hang out with a 9 year old. These kids are not friends with the OP's child, they are friendly with him at the activity they attend together but not friend to see outside of the activity. There's nothing wrong with that, and its not surprising with such a significant age gap.

You don't mention how DS seems to feel about having minimal friends OP? Does he want the birthday party or would he prefer a trip to the museum?
I was one of those children who seemed like they had friends everywhere but was actually friends with nobody.
I don't run birthday parties for my children, several reasons, so we always have a family day trip or activity doing what the birthday person would like to do (within financial reason!)
Maybe as part of DS getting older he'd prefer a day out based around his favourite things?

Unfair to say parents are behaving shittily.

I feel for OP’s son too but the other kids are allowed to have agency too. You can’t just ‘make’ children be friends with someone they just don’t relate with.

Take him on the day trip of his dreams. Is there a museum he has always wanted to go to - or does he prefer an old favourite? Lunch at a favourite restaurant. He can choose an extra birthday present from the gift shop. Is there a film he really likes that you could watch in the evening, with his snacks of choice or a take-out he likes? Really make it a perfect day for him.

When he's older, he'll find friends he has something in common with. It sounds like he's just been unlucky being the only intellectual/geek type in his peer group.

Does he actually want a party? Lots of children don't have them due to costs these days and it is much more a KS1 thing.
As they get older more do the invite one friend out for the day or as others have mentioned doing a family day out.
What does he actually want to do?

I once listened to a podcast where Tom Allen described bunking off school one day to take a trip to Calais with his elderly neighbours where they had a wonderful seafood lunch. I think your son would probably enjoy something like this (I am not meaning you replicate the Calais/ seafood outing but something a bit unexpected that appeals to his interests)

Try not to blame the other kids, I doubt they are being deliberately cliquey, they just don't relate to your son right now as their interests/ages are different

I know this s thrown around on here a lot OP, but is he autistic? It sounds like he is a lovely boy who has a lot of strengths and interests, but he doesn't really understand social interations and friendships. A neurotypical child might try to get into pokemon if boys in their class liked it, as a way to bond with them, rather than talking to them about the news.

I agree you shouldn't be angry at the other children/parents. Children should be polite and kind, but no ones owes anyone else friendship, especially not a 14 year old to a ten year old they see once a week at an activity

Does he want friends his own age, or does he actively prefer the company of adults?

DS1 was similar to this at age 9. He's autistic. His (intense!) interests were always misaligned with those of his peers, and he struggled to make friends. Adults were friendly, would engage with him about his interests and their behaviour was much more predictable to him, which he liked!

We did family trips out for birthdays. He's now 16.5 and has a nice group of friends. But he rarely wants to see them outside of school and still never wants to celebrate his birthday with them (he goes to their birthday events though).

He's very lucky that they all understand him and still include him, despite his reluctance to reciprocate!

Good idea. Or a Classical concert somewhere special?
And I’d drop the activity that you’re providing for free. Tell the parents that it won’t resume after Christmas. You are not obliged to give any explanation.

Definitely don't blame the other kids or their parents..

Statements like this would make me not encourage my child to go to the activity or the birthday.

You are sounding like one of the parents I know. My child has taken a step back as the child is so emotional and sensitive that it is hard work. Different circumstances but similar.

I don't think the other parents are behaving shittily re: their kids not being friends with DS. I agree the age gap with kids 2, 3, 4 years older at this age really doesn't work well, and I think those kids are absolutely allowed agency.

It's hard because these kids who have been more friendly in the past and who have enjoyed playing with DS each Sunday afternoon, and I used to get on well with the parents; but now the parents just drop them off and pick them up in the minimum amount of time, and essentially treat me like a free teacher that provides a service for their (increasingly disengaged) kids. I think things will shift next year as at least one family is likely to drop out, so I might take that as an excuse to end the activity.

I also agree that DS isn't particularly talented at making friends with age peers who don't find him interesting or useful. He'd rather ask an adult about their garden or whether they liked the concert we saw them at, etc. He needs help learning to make small talk with people his own age. Any suggestions of books etc much appreciated.

Instead of running the current activity why not use the time to host a discussion group for him and line- minded kids his age if you can’t find one for his age group already running?

My DS2 would have liked this at ten.