No-one wants to come to 10yo's birthday

[MyChildHasNoFriends]

Just venting really. There's nothing I can really do about it.

DS is turning 10 in a few weeks. He's excited and wants a party. Unfortunately, not one of his 'friends' hitherto wants to come. None of them has invited him to their parties this year.

The ones I know well (because they all attend an activity that I run) have all invited one another, except DS, to birthdays, family gatherings and playdates. Their parents try to shush them but it's pretty obvious what they're talking about - and it comes out when the parents aren't around. The parents have all made vague excuses about being "busy" in mid November - when we have traditionally invited them all over to our house for the activity, followed by afternoon tea for DS' birthday. It's kind of worked the last 4 years, but it's obvious this year that the other kids in the activity (aged 11, 11, 12, 12, 13 and 14) have outgrown DS and find him annoying. They still do the activity sessions, because their parents make them: it helps them with their studies and I run it all for nothing.

Similarly the two families we know from other stuff have gone out of their way to be too busy to meet any time soon. It's also been obvious this year, during meetups that I've organised and paid for, that their kids close to DS's age find DS annoying and boring and that the only one who likes him is the 16 year old.

Family are all overseas. Similarly utterly uninterested cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

I guess DS needs new friends, and something interesting to happen on his birthday that distracts him from the idea of a party.

I agree with this
They have been attending the activity, that doesnt make them friends although close friendships often develop through shared interests
They dont invite him over, socialise with him and the parents dont socialise with Op either so Im baffled as to where this ever became friendship?
Its not unusual for ND people to misunderstand aquaintances as close friends?

I agree that being able to talk to adults doesnt make a child mature, its often poor social skills and being unable to relate to other children
If hes into music then encourage him to join the school choir/ band and see if like minded kids pick up friendship rather than expect this transactional arrangement

Also, be aware of how you describe the kids around him. I have a friend who alienates her child by describing people negatively, and so swaying the child to think they aren’t people to be friends with. Do you describe these ten year old boys as ‘macho’ to him? It’s a really weird descriptor. Be careful that you aren’t creating the problem.

I don't think the parents or other children are doing anything wrong. The main issue is clearly the age difference, and the fact that these children are not his friends (even OP admits this) but happen to do the same activity. When kids are younger, it is often about parents getting them together/organising play dates and hang outs, but in secondary school you choose your own friends. Ops son may be more serious or mature than other 9 year olds, but he is still 9. OP, it feels a bit shit but it fixable - he just needs other activities or interests which suit him and where there are children of his own age. Have you thought about Cubs? Are there child friendly options for the things he does enjoy like gardening etc? Also even though he has his own interests, does he spend time doing things that other children do, such as watching particular programmes, following football, playing computer games etc? If not, these can help him to connect with children in his class, kids of his own age. Those who struggle with friendships often struggle more when they can't join in when everyone else is talking about. I'm not suggesting forcing him to be something he isn't, but just suggesting that you expand his interests to include things that wll help him to relate to his peers and vice versa. I would definitely try to address it now though, before he gets to secondary school.

Yes, as a gift take son to the Museum.

But for a party I would invite 10 school mates to a bounce park or similar.
Go carts. Arcade games. Basketball court.

Choose boys his own age.

Otherwise have afternoon tea at a local park with soccer balls, food and technic lego on mats. Ask his teacher to choose the ten boys.

Use the birthday to give your child an experience that he doesn't normally have, but which most boys his age do.
Reconnecting with his classmates could be positive.
It's a bit like having your toddler try beans 10 times before they like it.

You keep saying other kids find him annoying. Do you think he acts annoying to other children?

It sounds like this activity group isn't a friendship group really, you say it's just a bunch of kids being forced to attend something that helps their studying by their parents. They may be friendly with each other but I wouldn't expect to be best mate's with kids from something like this.

Kids shouldn't be forced to attend activities or have certain friends.

Surely he has school friends?

@MyChildHasNoFriends

Check out Andrew Godwin on Facebook - he is the guy I mentioned upthread who gives examples of good and bad conversations. It’s aimed at boys.

As I searched to find his name it seems he may have a podcast too - I’ve not listened to that but I always listen to his posts when they pop up on FB as I have kids a similar age to yours and I can see it being handy.

Neurodivergent or not, don’t assume a social skills group wouldn’t have benefits for him if it’s something his school can provide.

My child has always had difficulties around friendships (ASD) which got more pronounced through primary. We’ve always done a Big Day Out for his birthday and, where it suited (summer holidays), a tea party with family (not local).

OP why are you writing off your son forming social connections with other boys?

Sometimes part of socialising is paying heed to what others are interested in, whats popular at the moment and paying a bit of lip service to that.

Yes music can be mainstream - im very familiar with this scene myself, but the kids participating still have contemporary interests as well as liking music.

It sounds like you've unwittingly encouraged your son to avoid any modern stuff, perhaps a bit snobbishly, and he's ended up perhaps coming across to peers as a bit unusual.

I know loads of kids in the youth music scene and ive never come across a boy who doesn't like video games! Have you tried getting your son doing a bit of gaming to help him have an avenue to connect with peers?

He sounds lovely and just hasn’t found his people yet. I’m sure he will when he goes to college and university. It’s a shame the older kids from your group don’t want to be his close friend, but there’s nothing you can do about it. But remember it is their loss not his! 🌺

I'm sorry, OP, this is heartbreaking for you. It seems like you've had a lot of good advice on here and I do think your son will have a much better time as he gets older (though I agree with other posters that more neurodiverse kids and adults often find it tougher to make friends).

I think upper primary is a particularly hard time, and I did say to my son (who sounds similar to yours) at one point, this is the hard bit; it's going to get easier when you're about 14. It was very hard but he got through it and is now having a nice time at uni and I think he has a little group of friends. (He's very self contained and not that communicative, but he seems happy.)

I hope you can find something nice for him to do on his birthday and that the future years are much easier on him.

Your son is like a mini adult in his interests, in fact a very mature mini adult. any oddness from other parents might also come from a place of insecurity or intimidation, and therefor they (or their children) shun him. I agree re the museum weekend. I’d also encourage him to volunteer at his local museum or local history society. There won’t be so many other young people doing such like, but maybe one or two very similar minded kids WILL show up and become buddies with him. Or through such volunteering, he might discover relevant youth groups or simply enjoy the talks and social events that happen at these places (even massive museums do a lot of outreach!)

This is really key. I was brought up like this and it made me stand out. Children need that currency to help them make friends.

Do you indulge him a lot? I know a boy who sounds similar to your son who is very used to being listened to, being adored by the grown ups for his impressive knowledge and given too much leeway.

Does he have to listen to you, your husband or siblings even if he’s not interested?

Does he know how to ask questions and show genuine interest in the answer?

Does he understand that he needs to talk about things that are a common interest?

Have you 1) asked him what he wants and who he’d like to invite and 2) actually set a date and invited them with a clear RSVP date that you follow up on so arrangements can be cancelled if necessary.

I would do this, and if say only 2 can come, change your arrangement to a day out, activity or sleepover.

If no one can come you’ll perhaps need to chat with the most sympathetic mums and see if shifting the date will work, or what the probkem is.

I sympathise as the mum of a daughter who has friendship issues but don’t risk self-sabotage. Also it is a funny age for birthdays - my 12 yo who is very popular and never short of invites this year didn’t want a party, just two old friends from primary to sleep over. She didn’t feel she knew her new friends well enough to invite to her house and I wasn’t keen on them hanging round the town shopping as they are still all “little” rather than tween looking.

Good luck xxx

Sorry OP I can see how this would feel hurtful. TBH, I think it is a bit off for the families to all invite each other to things and not include you and DS when you are running the activity. No, they may not find him as interesting if he is that bit younger, but when there is a group I think it stinks a bit to leave one person out.

That said, the children aren't going to want to hang round with someone up to four years younger in the next few years. Teens get complicated!

You have been doing the right thing to try to support your DS with friendships in this way, but I would cut your losses at this point. It has run its course and you need a new approach.

Announce you are stopping the group and instead sign DS up for some other activities. I thought a musical theatre group or chess sounded good ideas. Try to choose a session geared more towards your ds's age group. It is good for him to get the skills (and intel!) to help him relate to his own peers, even if he still enjoys adult conversation.

This is so true.

Do you think you’re both ND, OP? I think exploring this a bit more might be really helpful. Would he be interested in scouts or drama? If he’s very musical then drama could open up a whole new seam of friendship. I think you’ve got to steer him to be at least a little bit more mainstream so he doesn’t end up isolated.

I think your suggestion of doing a special family only event with your son is a good idea . I think you have to distract him with that and gently steer him away from the idea of a party .

He still has some time left at primary to try and make some friends of his own age . I would look at trying to widen his interests and look at other outside activities that he may meet new friends at .

Could you have a word with his teacher about this and see what they suggest ? Say that you are worried that he is / will become socially isolated at school and is struggling with making friends .

I would really focus on helping your son develop new friendships if you can before secondary . It is difficult as friendships can’t be forced .

Secondary school can be good in that there will generally be more clubs , more children , the children will be split into subjects rather than form classes for some of the subjects . He may find other kids who share a passion he has .
The downside is though that the majority of children will be even more focussed on being “cool “and will pick out those that are “ different “ , “quirky “ .
Yes attributes that we should be looking to develop in our children and your son sounds amazing . But unfortunately peers can be cruel when a child / young person doesn’t fit in with the majority of boys who like eg football .

There is no benefit in trying to force your son into interests that he would hate . But do consider activities that he could try out eg scouts or his age equivalent . You said he likes music , what about learning a musical instrument / a choir ?

I’ve just re-read the OP. Two things stand out.
1.you’ve said there’s nothing you can do about this (when there is)
2.you suggested afternoon tea for a group of tweens/teenagers and that just shows your out of step with what tweens/teens would like. It’s about making things appealing to them.

This is really good advice. Sometimes only children can be a bit intolerant of other children and parents dont recognise their social skills arent the best because 'they talk to adults really well all the time!'

A pp who observed that adults will often humour a serious child talking to them, nailed it. A child conversing easily with adults does not reflect good social skills particularly.

Its really important socially to have a bit of give and take and there will always be an element of needing to conform a little bit - thats not saying everyone has to be sheep, but compromise helps society function. Part of becoming a successful adult is learning appropriate social skills and to some extent learning how to fit in and rub along with others. Making small talk with peers matters, like it or not.

Taking an interest in, and learning about, some popular stuff, doesn't have to mean abandoning the stuff you are really interested in, it just smooths the way socially a bit.

Then put the energy elsewhere. You can't keep chasing people who are not responding, it's unhealthy.

These are wise words OP.

There is so much pressure to be invited to and to attend birthday parties. Not sure about others on here but I was born in the 80s and never had a birthday party. I only got a small handful of invites over the years.

My DD is at a daycare centre and this year a lot of parties and invites have kicked up and we are always happy to be included, but I can’t help but wonder why it has to be this huge deal these days to have parties and celebrate. I think I’ll always secretly like the quiet cake at home with family and opening one nice present and that’s the birthday celebration done.

I think the overnight museum trip is a brilliant idea short term. I organised a party for my DC at that age, I made 12 going home bags but only 2 turned up! He recovered pretty well though (better than myself!).
Going forward, signing mine up to drama club on a Saturday morning ( nothing to do with the school) has worked wonders, he made a bunch of similar friends and the lessons provided great confidence and sociability.

I think some of this is a bit unfair.

It is pretty obvious OP's DS is bright and not having the SAME social skills as many other children his age isn't necessarily the same thing as having BAD social skills. After all, social skills mature and develop, so a typical ten year old's skills are only "good" social skills when they are 10. Eight years on and that same child's skills may look a lot more similar to OP's DS.

I hear, and agree with, what you are saying about him needing to learn ways to connect with his age group if he is going to make age-group friends, but many very bright children do chat better with adults as their concepts are more suited to adult conversation. It's aberrative for sure, and he would do well to develop his give and take with his own age group, but I think you are being a bit harsh implying his social skills are somehow lesser than an average 10 year old. They are different: different strengths, different weaknesses.

Your son sounds lovely. I know a very similar child, also a very talented musician. Secondary school was great for him - he's 14 now, plays in several bands (learnt drums and guitar after starting with more classical instruments) and has great, strong friendships with boys and girls.

The children simply attend a group the Op runs, they and their parents have done nothing wrong
Op has acknowledged they are not friends

They are 11, 12 to 14
My children didnt have friends 2 years older , if they were around it was because they were siblings of DC friends
The whole thing is a complete mismatch of expectations probably driven by ND
Im reading that the older DC and their parents are feeling uncomfortable about the expectations now