Worried by what DH's work says about his emotional responses

[Spriggs]

I had a long conversation with DH this evening about an issue that had been bothering me and which he had always brushed off. About his work really. I know that there are horrible jobs out there and I’m so thankful that I never have had to deal with those.

But he has done absolutely horrible things (nothing illegal), and did not flinch or bat an eye and didn’t seem to understand why I found it upsetting. Like seeing people die, children and all, and all of the suffering. And he earned so much.

We have a baby on the way and I was and am excited but wary now that I think that he can just switch on and off. Probably overthinking but I’m not ok with some of the things that he is ok with.

edit: I did post about this before in case it sounds familiar.

Hmm.

i have seen people die. I worked in the healthcare sector and have also spent time working in schools and heard and seen some horrendous stuff.

it gets to you to start with and you do learn not to be so emotionally affected by it, not least because others need your support, not you collapsing in tears.

are we talking medicine or similar?

He's hardened to it and can detach because it's not his family.

You're reading far too much into this.

What horrible things has he done that they are not ilegal? Sorry, but your post is not clear at all

In my job I see death and awful things on a daily basis.

The thing is, they aren't my awful things, and it isn't my sadness, and it doesn't belong to me. It's a part of my job, and it's a part of life. Some of us need to have jobs that have regular contact with the messiness and unpleasantness of life.

I assume possibly military - one would assume that he can justify his job and actions by utilitarian principles, avoiding harm to others, and seeking justice for those that are oppressed

Military would be my guess.

Even in jobs that sound sweet and lovely, like primary/nursery staff, they have to deal with child abuse-do they say on average 2 in a class? Maternity staff have to deal with baby loss every day. Yet they just have to try to get on, and smile when dealing with the nativity play/the next happily pregnant woman in for bloods. You might say it's not the same as a soldier/police man etc, but it is something heartbreaking they have to learn to cope with, and most of them do have kids of their own and are great parents, so there is no reason this should stop him being a good person to have a family with, if you want to.

Many surgeries are extremely brutal especially the big ones.

if you have to amputate someone’s leg it really is quite an unpleasant process.

obviously I do not know if it’s medicine, other careers with unpleasant situations are available.

Military then. I mean I don’t know why you would skirt around it if you want proper answers. My ex was a military police officer in Afghanistan for two terms of duty. Yes it’s grim.

Yes military and private military

My DH has seen some terrible things in his job. So have I. Since we have had DD we are both far more emotional - DH in fact can no longer detach himself from anything that involves a child and has cried at work. This is not something that would ever have happened before. I have changed careers but I even cry at the news now - before, when actively dealing with stuff I’d get a lump in my throat and carry on but now I can’t even hear someone else talking about these things without bawling.

Death is a part of life. Unless you’re bringing about the death of simply has to be accepted as part of the human condition.

If he was killing people well, yes, that would horrify me.

He did but I expected that. I didn’t expect the indifference to it.

Well as he “earned so much” that’s ok then. If he works in the military this is part of the territory- I would not or could not be involved with someone who did atrocious things (legal or otherwise) and got paid for it. High pay as you indicated would suggest it’s a career path and something he’s comfortable with. That life is not for me but you set your own standards on what is acceptable.

It is probably a coping mechanism. All neat and tidy in a little box in his brain in order to cope with it without losing the plot.

Many soldiers get ptsd later in life. I'd be more concerned about that.

It's not real indifference. More like "I can't go any deeper than yes I did this because it will break me".

Please don't push it with him and watch him parent instead. Watch him care for something and don't judge him for his past.

What DID you expect?

I can't judge because you give too little detail (understandable) but I can see being unsettled by someone whose job involves causing harm and suffering to others in order to simply line people's pockets. I dumped a boyfriend who worked for a cigarette company when I was younger because he just didn't care about the damage smoking did, though he didn't smoke himself.

I don’t know

I assume if he wasn’t able to compartmentalise like that then he wouldn’t be able to do his job.

You married someone in the military and now you are surprised that he killed people and isn’t emotional about it?

Its not that we dont care, you can be assured most of these memories have been buried deep. Its hard to describe but I was an entirely different person both emotionally and mentally at work than I was at home.

I presume he was in that line of work when you married him and then chose to have a baby with him. I also presume he didn’t suddenly go from being at a desk to active duty. So you knew. The thing is, he can’t be who you want him to be (and why exactly?) and still do the job or stay sane. So what do you actually want?

I’m not trying to be insensitive and do understand that accidents happen but I’m profoundly confused by the back you seem to be not ok which a huge part of who this man is and yet you are having a child with him. That is just wild to me.
However, in his defence my husband is a paramedic. Obviously a very different side of the coin but he has seen horrific things that people could only imagine in their worst nightmares. He is hardened to it, because you have to or you don’t survive the job and his desire to help outweighs everything else in him. So sometimes he talks about people who have had horrific things happen to them or died in a matter of fact way that knocks me a bit but I remember that I couldn’t do it for even a day. Since we’ve had kids though, the children jobs he has break him every time once he gets home.

I doubt your husband is indifferent. I think he has learned to compartmentalise those experiences and lock them away, in order to do the job. We train soldiers to be killers, then expect them to slot back into civilian life. Very few manage it. PTSD is rife. If your husband is coping that's a good thing but don't be fooled into thinking he's unaffected. Keep a watchful eye for signs of depression and PTSD. Having a new baby may bring up buried feelings too.

They are taught to kill. If he is infantry that is their literal job. They teach them mechanisms to detach themselves because the horror would overwhelm them otherwise. I’m sorry that you didn’t know this when you went into a relationship with him, which is as much on him as it is you. I used to be with a military police officer, not only are they trained to do what is necessary they have to pick up the pieces after others. It’s awful. But you must have known some of this to have kids with him? There are lots of military wives places to get help and support.