Worried by what DH's work says about his emotional responses

[Spriggs]

I had a long conversation with DH this evening about an issue that had been bothering me and which he had always brushed off. About his work really. I know that there are horrible jobs out there and I’m so thankful that I never have had to deal with those.

But he has done absolutely horrible things (nothing illegal), and did not flinch or bat an eye and didn’t seem to understand why I found it upsetting. Like seeing people die, children and all, and all of the suffering. And he earned so much.

We have a baby on the way and I was and am excited but wary now that I think that he can just switch on and off. Probably overthinking but I’m not ok with some of the things that he is ok with.

edit: I did post about this before in case it sounds familiar.

He isn’t just shoving it into a box to deal with on his own. He has told you. Probably just leaking a bit to his safe person?

My husband is ex military too. Front line. And also private work afterwards. I'm posting as I relate to your concerns when our baby was due.
As others say. Its a job and requires particular training and mindset. It he generally a loving and caring partner? I do think you have to be a 'type' of person - hence why the selection process is tough for some of the branches. And yes I think that does go hand in hand with things that can be problematic for a relationship - avoidant attachment style maybe? PTSD that isn't always recognised but impacts. The fact he 'brushes off' you worries may be symptomatic of these traits. So my message has two parts. You may be married to someone who has certain relationship challanges. The part two though is if you have good evidence they are consistantly a good partner to you, then take that as a good sign. Brushing off worries of a pregant partner isn't a good sign though I must say - I understand why you feel uneasy. If its food for though for you - I can tell you that ater on (years after our baby was born) when discussing those old worries with my husband he told me it was hurtful for him at the time to hear me share my worries that he wouldn't be a good father basically. I supposed I'd say he did brush it off at the time too....to prevent his hurt. He kept that hurt from me to not give me another worry, so kudos there I suppose, and explains somewhat why he couldn't deeply engage on the matter as I wanted that connection. But he just couldn't. And its that kind of trait you might experience given his ability to do his job.

I have no experience of this, so feel free to ignore.

But I have PTSD from childhood, and ds1's (constant, he was an unhappy baby) crying cut to my very soul and although I held it together, part of me was sent right back to the agonising helpless childhood pain I'd experienced.

I was an older mum and had developed a lot of healthy coping skills etc so my babies were always safe with me, but it really opened up old wounds to their very core.

So, no idea if this is helpful, but maybe just keep a little eye on his emotional reactions to the baby's distress, in case they unlock something, and be ready to step in if necessary (as I'm sure you would anyway).

My DH has complex PTSD from working as a peacekeeper, but it took years for us to realise, but a lot of weird out-of-character responses to things are because of that. He was very shut off about some things because of it. It might be worth you reading up about it and see if it seems familiar. If it is that, he does need treatment, it doesn't just go away.

Compartmentalise during. Unfortunately those experiences get stored somewhere.

If he didn’t switch off he would be traumatised. It is totally normal response in some jobs. Does he treat you badly and detached?

Of course it's not healthy! Dissociation, suppression, splitting - these are all the basis of most psychiatric disorders!

To really heal and 'be ok' you'd need to completely accept and integrate your actions and behaviours. But it's completely unfair IMO to place that responsibility on individuals when our society as a whole is organised around militarism.

The system brustalises some people just enough that it can use them to forward its aims, in this instance state-sanctioned murder, and then dumps them back in civil society to absorb the after shock. Many people don't want to acknowledge the suffering their relatively comfortable lives are built on, which you can see reflected in the way some posters are talking to the OP here (you knew who you married etc) and the husband would experience stigma if he Eg became an adict or abusive.

I thought private military was just a euphemism for mercenaries.

So he goes where the high pay is to potentially kill people and you wonder why he’s “compartmentalised” these things.

Both DH and I are in the emergency services. We have seen and had to deal with some horrible things over the years (both long service). Although we are always kind and empathetic when dealing with people where it's needed, we are both quite emotionally detached. I was go so far as to say I am emotionally very cold, I find these days I barely get affected by anything.

However, DH said something profound the other day- I care about the people I need to care about. He is the most wonderful loving caring person to family and friends, as am I. We also have DC, and there is nothing but love and affection in our household.

If your DH is caring and loving towards you, regardless of how he is at work, then he will be the same towards your DC. Work and home life are different, regardless of what he might have seen and done in his work. As long as it's not affecting his MH, then I don't see an issue

What "absolutely horrible things" are not illegal? Is he a soldier?

"Private military"

So a mercenary ?

You are forgetting that humans evolved in small bands, that killed animals, and went into 'gang warfare' with other bands over food sources and territory.

Being okay with gore and death and killing and inflicting pain is a very useful trait for some humans in the band to have.
Not everyone in the band, just some.

Don't imagine that we have 'evolved' to be so very different from our ancestors.

This would freak me out too OP. Yes, people in the military can (have to) compartmentalise, at least for a while. I've also never met anyone in the military who wasn't massively fucked up. I'd personally be extremely wary about getting involved in any kind of relationship with a military or ex-military person because of this.

Look at the 'Putney Pusher.' Ex-military, thought nothing of shoving some random woman under a bus, just because she was in his way. He'd mown another woman down on a motorbike previously. That basic disregard for human life isn't normal - certainly not in civilian society.

My old boss was a palliative nurse and she said she became desensitised to seeing them die because she saw thousands of people die over the years. She ended up retraining and leaving because it got to a point where she didn’t care and would make jokes about it. She realised that she had lost her empathy and needed to leave, which she did.

Oh please you do realise the military who do all these "awful things" you seem to despise with your oh so moral judgement , are the reason we aren't under nazi/communist etc rule. Grow up.

If you see people die because you're a health worker or emergency worker then you do learn to not let it get too upsetting. Simply to protect yourself emotionally and remain professional. But you'd not be doing cruel things to people, you'd be trying to save them.

If you see people die because you kill them as part of your job (military, capital punishment worker?) I presume it does have to be compartmentalized. Like they feel they are doing it for a good/justifiable reason.

It doesn't necessarily mean they'd be cold or unloving or violent towards their own kids or family. They may suffer PTSD from witnessing lots of bad things though. And it would be important they did plenty of therapy if they needed it.

Joining the military means protecting our country, it's interests and humanitarian deployment as well. Yes, it's a career, but that, in my opinion comes second to the primary role, which is defending us as a nation.

It's not nice in some instances. Your husband has learnt to compartmentalise, as do the medical profession, police officers, fire crew etc. He has to compartmentalise to be able to cope with whatever he's had to do as part of his role. If he couldn't do this, he wouldn't be able to do his job.

You having a child, and his job, are two separate compartments. His job doesn't mean he's going to be a poor Father. In fact being a Dad might, make compartmentalizing harder for him.

I have a friend who deals with safeguarding at the council, some of the things he has to hear and deal with, regarding children is horrendous. Many people in all professions have to deal with dreadful things.

One of my oldest, kindest, loveliest friends has definitely killed.

I appreciate I’m not in a relationship with him (he has an equally lovely wife) but for me it’s so far detached from the version of him that I know that I don’t put the two together at all.

I haven't forgotten anything thanks. I am saying that the responsibility lies with society rather than individuals as others benefit from those traits AND society is to some extent set up to create those traits in groups because they are advantageous to the social structure. Cf any lit to do with boarding schools and colonialism.

Bit of a difference between defending our nation from hostile forces and joining another country's private military for the money, wouldn't you think?

Oh please you do realise the military who do all these "awful things" you seem to despise with your oh so moral judgement , are the reason we aren't under nazi/communist etc rule.

For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' Chuck him out, the brute!"
But it's "Saviour of 'is country" when the guns begin to shoot;
An' it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' anything you please;
An' Tommy ain't a bloomin' fool - you bet that Tommy sees!

I don’t understand why people are comparing it to being a paramedic, fire officer, doctor, emergency services.
These are jobs that require being involved in and witnessing horrendous things but they are there to help.
They haven’t purposefully killed people. It’s an entirely different ballgame to being in the private military. It takes a certain person to get into that job in the first place and you’ll only get worse during the actual job. Avoidance, compartmentalising, all sorts of trauma and unhealthy ways of processing emotions.

When your partner is in the military (or similar organization) its like you live with two people. There is a kind husband and father (or wife and mother). Then there is the other person he becomes when he puts on his uniform. The "soldier self" that he does not want you to meet. He has a half life of duty, hierarchy and sometimes brutality. He can never allow the two halves t meet. So he keeps that person locked up inside. Try to understand what a psychological burden that imposes upon a human being.

I’d be disgusted with a man (or woman) who took a highly paid private military job that involved killing children. You’re right to be disturbed. You’re having a baby with a man with no moral compass or empathy

My dh is an ex police officer. Has seen some hideous things. It's not that they don't care, it's that they compartmentalise very very well to protect themselves and let them live their lives at home.