Worried by what DH's work says about his emotional responses

[Spriggs]

I had a long conversation with DH this evening about an issue that had been bothering me and which he had always brushed off. About his work really. I know that there are horrible jobs out there and I’m so thankful that I never have had to deal with those.

But he has done absolutely horrible things (nothing illegal), and did not flinch or bat an eye and didn’t seem to understand why I found it upsetting. Like seeing people die, children and all, and all of the suffering. And he earned so much.

We have a baby on the way and I was and am excited but wary now that I think that he can just switch on and off. Probably overthinking but I’m not ok with some of the things that he is ok with.

edit: I did post about this before in case it sounds familiar.

You detach, it’s as simple as that
I adore my pet, my family, my friends etc and I’ve had the usual emotional responses to losing people
But at work or in an emergency, another part of me kicks in and I become this calm in charge person. If your leg is hanging off, I’ll help and I’m the person you want there. If my own cats leg is hanging off, I would be hysterical

Private military? You got married to a soldier for hire - a literal mercenary - and are now worried that he might not be a great person?

He won’t be indifferent. But if he doesn’t condition himself to be or or wasn’t trained to be so he wouldn’t be able to do it. That’s why.
I see this in a small way now with my DS. He’s doing his military service in a European country where it is mandatory. The first frew weeks he was in a state of shock and a bit traumertised. But at a certain point he had to drop out or continue. To continue he had to find ways to cope. And one of those ways is to sort of shut your self off or make a decision that this is your path.

He kills people for money ? How could he do that and stay in touch with his compassion?
You could ask him to find a different means of making a living.

This. My husband served two tours of Afghan and I know memories are ‘in a little box’. Some stories I am aware of but I’m sure many more are hidden away possibly forever.

Can I ask why you had a long conversation about what he was ordered to do? I would be very concerned about pushing him to open up about what happened then not being happy with how he feels about what happened. That cannot be good for either of you mentally.

Guessing a mercenary if its good earnings?

But one would have to develop a degree of detachment or you’d go mad… you knew his job, why did you expect?

Is being a mercenary legal?

Thanks for those who seem to understand this. He must have that sealed off box in his head too.

Private military is not mercenaries or illegal

He's not indifferent and you sound very callous he clearly does a very difficult and demanding job and a bit of empathy and understanding rather than criticising his coping mechanisms might make you happier. Poor man.

Typical MN mollycoddling grown men. ‘Poor man’ who chooses to be a paid private soldier. 🤔

His lack of empathy is weird, and any normal person would recognise that.

I don’t know what to say really, OP. I left my ex of seven years because he was emotionally stunted and his complete lack of empathy for others became more apparent and gave me the creeps.

How do you know all the things he’s done? Because I would bear in mind that a lot of this things he’s told you are likely to be exaggerated or possibly even straight up bullshit? But if not then yes of course he doesn’t think about it, he couldn’t could he, and still function. It doesn’t mean he’ll be a cold loveless father .

Military or healthcare etc - seeing people dying is part of the job. Just because someone doesn’t appear to get emotional about doesn’t mean they don’t care

Yeah I would draw the line at mercenaries.

This. Some of us can totally detach and it's down to it not being our life. We are the lucky ones in some jobs.

Can you explain the difference?

Of course he has! Did you never think about this before you decided to have a baby with him?

Also hang on....has he killed children?!

Sounds like a terrorist

He's a PMC. Private Military Contractor. Mainly security in a conflict zone but could be other stuff (I knew one bloke, ex-signals, who was doing telecoms work in Iraq as a PMC). It's not like the 1960's Congo.

What is he like otherwise and what is it that you are worried might happen? There is a lot of missing context here but your gut seems to be telling you something is not right. Yes people usually compartmentalise in difficult jobs but I couldn’t be involved with someone in private military as it is unlikely we would have values which aligned. Do you know what his values are and what yours are because that’s a starting point to predict whether you have a solid future or not.

Private military are hired my governments, usually for security reasons,

I was struggling to understand what 'private military but not mercenary' could mean. So I Googled it. It's open to debate, really. Although I've barely got my head round it yet.

@Spriggs your DH is some kind of military personnel and you've been compartmentalising it yourself until now. I honestly think you probably need some counselling to help unpack this, because you either learn to deal with it and support him, or accept that you can't which is probably the end of your marriage. And given that you're pregnant you need to make urgent progress on how you feel about this.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Private_military_company

Military personnel are more likely to be violent at home, so you're not wrong to be worried.