Worried by what DH's work says about his emotional responses

[Spriggs]

I had a long conversation with DH this evening about an issue that had been bothering me and which he had always brushed off. About his work really. I know that there are horrible jobs out there and I’m so thankful that I never have had to deal with those.

But he has done absolutely horrible things (nothing illegal), and did not flinch or bat an eye and didn’t seem to understand why I found it upsetting. Like seeing people die, children and all, and all of the suffering. And he earned so much.

We have a baby on the way and I was and am excited but wary now that I think that he can just switch on and off. Probably overthinking but I’m not ok with some of the things that he is ok with.

edit: I did post about this before in case it sounds familiar.

OP he's doing what he has been trained and conditioned to do.

While to the majority of people yourself included that raises the question of how can you do that and not think about it...he has been trained to protect the others he is around at any cost and that other person is a hostile end of.
In war zones he has to follow the orders he is given regardless of what suffering he sees around him.

It doesn't say anything about him just that he's doing exactly what he is trained. There is a reason ex military can then struggle when they leave with "civilian life" and many go into private protection instead - same rules easy to follow.

I've worked with many an ex serviceman and women and also have friends in the military. You don't need to understand it just accept he's doing what is conditioned. It doesn't make him a bad person and doesn't mean he will switch off with you or your baby which I'm guessing is your fear.

Yes this! Completely different.

I know being in the military can cause longstanding trauma and MH issues for some people but I've also known of others who function perfectly normally in their civilian life.

One example my late FIL, wartime and after army officer. He talked very little about it, occasionally to my DH and from what he's told me (which I think was further edited) FIL saw and experienced some truly awful things and yes, of course he killed people, he was a soldier in wartime. He was also an wonderful husband and father, much loved and from many accounts thoughtful, sensitive and kind.

Plenty of psychopaths around who haven't done a days basic training.

Did he witness children dying or did he kill children?
If the former, I think I'd understand compartmentalising it. If the latter, I would struggle with the apparent indifference. In fact, I'd struggle with it full stop.

If it helps at all, I met my husband when he was in a similar role and he has a similar background and presentation to yours.

People who are in the military (in any country where there isn’t forced conscription) believe that they are fighting to protect their country and the people in it, broadly speaking. They’re also following orders. It’s nothing even remotely similar to murder. They are doing the job they’re trained to do, and fighting for a cause they believe in. They either learn to live with it, usually by compartmentalisation, or they crack with PTSD. I’m assuming you don’t wish the latter on him.

If it makes you feel any better, I know bits and bobs. Front line service. I don’t ask, he doesn’t volunteer. If I asked, which I did once, he gave me some information but nothing particularly detailed. He was right not to, I didn’t need (or on reflection actually want) to know.

More relevant to your current situation though, you could not meet a man more devoted to his kids. If every child had a father like my husband, the world would be a better place. The kids are his life, he’s been consistently amazing for 2 decades and has never wavered in his devotion or commitment. He’s soft and kind with our animals, he babies them more than any of us. He’s a genuinely kind and warm person, who happens to have a past where he was in the military and saw terrible things. They haven’t defined who he is, and he’s long out of service now.

Original poster
Spriggs · Today 06:45
Private military is not mercenaries or illegal

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Ive seen awful things over my 46 years in the health service. I worked in childrens burns for a few years and plastics and reconstructive surgery after horrible accidents and so on. Now I work in vascular and see gangrene everyday.
I no longer have any feelings about it I just get on with the job but I have noticed i get very upset about things like my cat dying....over the top abnormal grief that possibly isnt healthy. I think those buried feelings have to go somewhere.

Yes, people keep trying to say there is a difference between private military and mercenary, but there isn’t.

If you are working for a foreign government’s armed forces for big bucks you are a mercenary. It may well be done legally and with all the correct paperwork. That doesn’t change the fact that you are taking money for working for a military which is not that of your country. Dress it up how you like, it’s still being a mercenary and still morally reprehensible.

Joining the military means protecting our country, it's interests and humanitarian deployment as well.

Indeed, but joining the “private military” does not mean protecting our country etc etc

I know a few people from similar backgrounds, men and women. They really do have to put it in a sealed mental box.

Being in the military is what you do for a living. Its not what you are.

Your ex may have been around death a lot, but I imagine he was trying to save people’s lives though as opposed to purposefully trying to end them like OPs husband. So not really similar at all.

Anyhow:

OP: I understand how you feel. I understand that the Military are trained to defend and kill to protect our Country and protect others who are vulnerable and at risk and I like to think that the killing is done for morally correct purposes.

You have been very vague about your husband’s job, which is fine, but it means it’s hard for us to give an opinion on whether his role is something that would be classed as moral and whether it’s something we could be accepting of. Only you know that.

If he is running around killing people for reasons that aren't for the “greater good” then I think I would have a hard time with that too.

I’m glad it’s not just me who is baffled by all these comparisons!

Loving some of the posts by people who don't know what the fuck they are talking about.
Who do you think protects us?

It's the private military bit that's confusing people, mainly because @Spriggs hasn't explained what it exactly is, so people are jumping to the conclusion of mercenaries. It's not clear and most of us are not qualified - me included - to understand what exactly a not mercenary but private military is.

Can anyone else explain please?

I am not an expert, but AIUI, it's likely to involve providing services such as personal protection, training, technical and logistical know how and support in regions where there is conflict or instability.

I'm going to come from a slightly different angle.

It's hard for anyone not from a services background to understand the difference between military/ private military, but I'm pretty sure it's not as simple as heroic British army officer v evil mercenary selling his soul to the Wagner Group. I'm quite prepared to believe third party contractors could work legitimately with the British military, like specialist engineers working for defence firms etc etc.

But tbh I'm not sure it matters.

For me, the key thing is - certain behaviours often emerge during pregnancy that are predictive of later problems. It's why MWs are so hot on domestic abuse, as it often starts during pregnancy.

I have a difficult marriage. Not "abuse", but not good treatment. When I look back, I can see now that many of the behaviours that now plague our relationship began then.

My husband is in a field that is literally as far apart from military as you can get. But that doesn't. My point us: whatever the reason behind the behaviour, it may be an early sign.

It's always okay to question a relationship. It doesn't mean you are "shaming" him or "don't understand" him. His behaviour isn't your fault.

It's not particularly clear what he is actually doing/ not doing, but it is okay to decide you don't like certain behaviour and to make your own decisions accordingly.

But in his job he has to be professional and matter-of-fact. Clearly, he had to learn to cope with death and injury, or he couldn't do his job. OP, why aren't you proud of your husband for succeeding in such a challenging career?

It's really not much different to training own soldiers to be honest, better paid and better looked after probably. It's all security, operations and at times, fighting/killing.

It’s like the difference between an individual “self-employed” prostitute and one who works for a madam or brothel.

Technically the difference between a mercenary and private military contractor is basically that a mercenary engages in an offensive, front line role in conflicts. Which is illegal under international law.

Private military contractors do defensive work protecting supply chains or bases of operation, security for VIPs, etc. which is not illegal.

Mercenaries are rarely independent "soldiers of fortune" any more, though. It's big business. Corporations who provide them do so in pretty much the same way they provide legal military contractors, they just hide what they are actually hired to do.

I’m not sure it’s ‘indifference’ so much as survival. There’s a few professions where you simply have to detach yourself from the emotion of it all because if you don’t (and you feel the weight of it), you’ll be dragged down with it.

I’ve worked in chaplaincy and in that role you might have to sit with a family while their child slowly dies from cancer and then go home, whip up a spaghetti bolognaise and go out to a family birthday party and not let the afternoon’s horror seep into my ‘feelings’.

Looking on, you might think I am indifferent but actually it’s me compartmentalising both my worlds. If I carry the weight of the family’s loss into my personal life, I’ll very quickly go under.

Thank you so much for this. I also don’t really want to know the details and he hasn’t gone into detail anyway.
He too loves animals, but is pretty reserved when it comes to most people (not me). I think that he has shielded himself in a way and I think it makes sense.

Private military?

Quite frankly, is that a legal occupation?

Where has he worked? Who sanctioned his work?

There's a part of me that thinks someone who works in 'private military' must be a little bit more than just ok with the idea of killing people.