Worried by what DH's work says about his emotional responses

[Spriggs]

I had a long conversation with DH this evening about an issue that had been bothering me and which he had always brushed off. About his work really. I know that there are horrible jobs out there and I’m so thankful that I never have had to deal with those.

But he has done absolutely horrible things (nothing illegal), and did not flinch or bat an eye and didn’t seem to understand why I found it upsetting. Like seeing people die, children and all, and all of the suffering. And he earned so much.

We have a baby on the way and I was and am excited but wary now that I think that he can just switch on and off. Probably overthinking but I’m not ok with some of the things that he is ok with.

edit: I did post about this before in case it sounds familiar.

He’s mainly involved in training but also some tactical military support and did protection for some companies I think. As I said when I met him he was already doing the training part. I hadn’t asked about previous roles and responsibilities before.

He’s not a freak who gets off on killing people. I think I just can’t understand how he can disconnect but as others have shared here it seems to be perfectly normal.

I just got worried about what things will be like when the baby arrives but I don’t even know why that came into my head. He’s not aggressive or violent.

Of course it’s legal.

Usually hired by governments to do different roles without the support or backup required. NGO roles. US and UK hired a lot of people for Iraq and Afghan. Doesn't mean they were out killing people on the front lines.

Call me old fashioned but, whether the pay and hours are good or not, which regime you are working for and who you are helping that regime to kill, sorry, defend itself from, kind of does matter to me when assessing whether “private military” employment is moral and justified.

I’m finding some of the attitudes on this thread extraordinary, tbh. Yes, we need to have an army to defend ourselves. That doesn’t mean that all regimes and all armies the world over are of equal moral standing or that signing up for the British army is equivalent to signing up to whoever pays you the most.

WTH…

It[s a mechanism we learn to self-protect. Our teacher at physio school told us: What happpens at work stays at work, what happens at home stays at home.
It[s essential to learn this so as not to break down and become useless at your job.

This. He wasn’t defending his family or country he was a private hire killer?

Sounds like you’re fine with it again then.

They are also hired by such entitles as the US government to do the sort of 'work' and engage in operations Congress would raise serious questions about. The US government is not the only government that hires 'private military' personnel.

Think Blackwater, and the Wagner Group.

Legal - but not public knowledge, not subject to the inquiries or oversight of members of parliament, and answerable to exactly whom?

He may well have been defending his country. Private military are used by the armed forces to protect supply chains and bases, and provide VIP protection.

Or he may have been protecting strategic commodities like oil pipelines. For the company that owns them rather than his government, but nevertheless essential to his country's security.

Or commodities that aren't essential.

Or he may have been involved in illegal mercenary operations.

There's no way to know if OP doesn't say. And she might not really know, but she sounds okay with whatever the nature of the security is.

The Wagner group is Russian, and very much a Russian military proxy. Mainly engaged in both mercenary and regular private military contracting, though only via the Russian government. By "contracting" for other governments Russia gains supposedly plausible deniability when they pop up doing mercenary stuff. I don't think there's any suggestion they've ever been hired by the US government, though. And the US government have completely changed how they use contractors since Blackwater's Nisour horror. Though the history of deep state actors in the US would make a claim that they aren't or won't do anything with illegal military contractors foolish.

Actual mercenaries are more likely to be found now in places like Libya, Ukraine (on both sides), Congo, Sudan.

There's a huge grey area with corporate security work, where governments have poor control over their territory but sell resource rights to corporations and the corporations have to provide their own military security because of the threats of well armed paramilitary opposition/organized crime. That goes on all over South America, and Africa.

Still, OP's husband is far more likely to be training military and security personnel, guarding humanitarian aid or embassies, or other static sites. If he does so in a country that's chaotic, he may have to use deadly force to defend other people's lives.

@AmnesiacDream

You have no reason to assume the OP's husband guards humanitarian aid convoys, or whatever other noble fantasy you have in mind.

Private military means someone hired for their ability and willingness to do work that is done quietly and without fanfare. It could be anything, on behalf of anyone, and for purposes the individual does not question. Working in a shadowy, unaccountable space means questioning the legality of the work is appropriate.

There is no suggestion that Wagner was or is involved in US operations. Though who knows.

I don’t really know so I can’t answer those questions.
And I don’t want to know more details if I’m honest.
I’m ok with him doing a training job

Honestly, what I know about private military is that they don't pay enough for people running the risk of being shot at or blown up. Sure it's better than army pay but it's not a fortune for the risks involved.

@Spriggs I noticed that you did not answer any questions about how your husband treats you, and whether he is a loving partner. That's fine of course, and you don't have to answer.

I find it worrying though. My first thought when I read "private military" was that these men operate in such chaotic and hostile regions where violence is so normalised that it affects every part of life. The private military element adds yet another layer of murkiness.

My second thought were the women living in these areas and the horrendous sexual abuse they suffer at the hands of men no matter their allegiance, including foreign military forces who are there for months or years.

If your husband spent stretches of time in there places there is a chance that he too engaged in acts that brutalised or exploited women or other vulnerable people. I am writing this because you yourself seem to be compartmentalizing a lot, and that you have never allowed yourself this thought.

There is a reason why you started this thread and I don't think the morality of his profession is the real issue here. Men like this will show their true colours eventually, and sadly pregnancy is one of the most common times for the first cracks to emerge.

I think the fact you don’t want to know says a lot.
Are you worried you’re going to see a side to him that you want to pretend doesn't exist?

You obviously had reason to start this thread.

Something about his “line of work” obviously doesn’t sit right with you.

Always trust your gut instinct.

I haven't assumed that. I've pointed out that private military is most likely to be training or defending people from attack. It's rarely shadowy, though that side does exist.

I know somebody who did this work. They were genuinely nice and very family centric.

Somebody has to be prepared to do the stuff we don't even want to think about. If they don't do it well, they come home in a coffin.

I was a nurse and dealing with death and suffering is an inevitable part of the job. You can have great compassion at the bedside and then be expected to grab your supper because that's the time you have for a break. You still have family who need you when you get home. You can't spend your whole time pondering what happened. So you put it in the box and get on with the rest of your day. It's not cold, it's just the only way to get through the days.

And there you go. You’re willing to ignore the awful things he may have done for the pay packet. You seem suited

What is it with people bringing up the healthcare job comparisons? Its not even remotely comparable to people who willingly enter conflicts willing to kill for whoever pays the highest amount.

Easy for you to say when it’s not your marriage. I’m not interested in the money but in giving my child a safe and loving home. Why is that so difficult to understand

@BeurialJimberley I've noticed your snippy replies on another thread. You must be one unhappy person.