Worried by what DH's work says about his emotional responses

[Spriggs]

I had a long conversation with DH this evening about an issue that had been bothering me and which he had always brushed off. About his work really. I know that there are horrible jobs out there and I’m so thankful that I never have had to deal with those.

But he has done absolutely horrible things (nothing illegal), and did not flinch or bat an eye and didn’t seem to understand why I found it upsetting. Like seeing people die, children and all, and all of the suffering. And he earned so much.

We have a baby on the way and I was and am excited but wary now that I think that he can just switch on and off. Probably overthinking but I’m not ok with some of the things that he is ok with.

edit: I did post about this before in case it sounds familiar.

They become extremely desentized and emotionally cold . I do believe it's a thin veneer and they are not emotionally dead just able to ignore and block out . Eventually itf does catch up which is why PTSD and MH are sick massive issues for veterans . My child is military.

Once dated someone who worked in accident A&E. Their work was similar to what you describe, seeing people, children die on a daily basis. They spoke very dispassionately about it. The bottom line is they are professionals, and they are trained to deal with these situations professionally, and not emotionally.

He has to detach or he wouldn't be able to do his job. It really is that simple.
Maybe your actual question, then, is: Can I live and co-parent with somebody who is paid to kill? Can my child and I live off his earnings?
Only you know the answer to that.

You may be confusing becoming desensitised with indifference. They are not the same thing.

Didn't You know what his job was when you decided to marry him? I can’t help thinking any ethical qualms about his line of work should have come up at the ‘should I date this man’ and ‘should I continue this relationship now that I understand what his job is’ stage.

Have you never thought about this in the context of yourself as a woman?

So he has killed people and seems indifferent? No, I couldn't be with someone like that. Killing someone is traumatic and cutting off from the trauma is a way to cope. But it doesn't go away, it just causes problems elsewhere and further down the line. Being cut off from some feelings usually means cutting off from all feelings such as loving, tender and joyful feelings too. Not ideal with a child on the way. Is he still in the military?

When I met him he had already moved into a training focussed role so his previous responsibilities didn’t really come up much. To be honest part of me probably didn’t want to know and he doesn’t really talk about it much.

Thanks for the comments explaining that the desensitisation and detachment is normal and that I confused it with indifference. It has helped

So mercenaries hired by governments.

That’s okay then.

Read that or lived that?

It could well be that he's had sufficient training to help him deal with it.

Nothing like your DH does, but my DH is one of the most caring people I know, in 32 years he's always been there to listen and if I asked him not to go to the gym this morning as I wanted him to do something with me, he would do. He's stopped work now, but admitted he found it hard when dealing with certain work issues. He's said he soon realised he couldn't go beating himself up about what he'd come across at work, at home as his home life was far more important to him than a job (even an important job).

I’m not sure that I would consider being a mercenary, getting involved in a conflict for money and seeing, possibly causing, death and destruction for the large payout, as similar to working in A and E.

Grim I couldn’t be with someone who did this as a job or ever did even

It's a bit late to be worrying about that. Most military spouses have considered that the person they are dating is trained to kill from very early days.

I think we are all involved in causing acute suffering to others. We buy fashion and use mobile phones from companies that depend on exploiting workers - often keeping them in conditions that are near slavery. We drive cars that cause heavy pollution and create an environment that gives some children breathing difficutlites - and means it's very difficult for nearly every child to enoy the free outdoor play that is essential for mental and physical well-being.. The majority of us eat meat and use animal products that means livestock are bred to be killed or exploited in some way.

And, simply because we have to go on leading ordinary lives, and making more ethical choices involves signifcant inconvenience and sacrifice, we carry on doing what we do.

I don't think what the OP's partner is doing is signficantly different. If he is unhappy in his work and wants to change that is another matter.

It could mean he will be a brilliant dad who can stay calm and rational during the tough times.
It could mean he is dead inside and unable to love but surely you would've picked up on that by now?
It could mean he has repressed a lot of trauma which is going to hit him like a ton of bricks one day and lead to some serious mental health issues which could include aggression.
I hope it's the first for you but I would be worried about the third. I wouldn't date a man from the military.

I've only seen horrendous things through work (hospital) and it was a tough learning curve for me the first time to go from last offices on a patient we knew very well, to clorcleaning that bed- and all of a sudden a totally new person was in that bay and was asking about visiting hours or the WiFi code.

I don't know how I got used to that, I know it took a long time.

Being military isn't something I know anything about but I imagine there's a much harder learning curve.

He compartmentalises, frankly it’s healthy when you are dealing with genuinely horrifying situations. If he wasn’t able to do that he wouldn’t be able to function. I’d be a lot more worried if he wasn’t able to.

This is the job, theres nothing wrong with him, violence isn’t always wrong it is sometimes necessary. Someone capable of violence is safe to be around if they can direct and compartmentalise it, safer for you and for the people he comes into contact with at work. It doesn’t make him unfeeling, it makes him useful. I really would not judge him harshly on this OP.

It's strategic indifference, there are jobs that would be impossible without it. It's a coping mechanism.

I hate to say it but you can't shut the gate after the horse has bolted, and you'll have to deal with things as they arise. If they do.

Is there something in particular about his behaviour towards you that makes you concerned about his coldness?

Absolutely this. My hubby is ex military, sniper specifically, and I have seen him at his worst after performing his job on many tours including Iraq. It's definitely a coping mechanism. They have to box it away. It's not indifference, it's self preservation.

Mercenary?

Well you either think he’s a psychopath or you don’t. I personally know I’m so empathic that I can actually shut down completely in certain situations so I don’t feel anything as a protective barrier. It comes across as hard and odd to others but it’s how I’ve learned to manage overwhelming emotions.

I haven’t killed anyone but have had to choose to end someone’s life by removing medical care. And I’m ok with that.

We were also burgled in the night - men in our house when we and our children had been asleep. They took what they came for ( keys to our cars ) and left as we corralled our children at the top of the stairs and called 999. I have no doubt at all in my mind that I could have killed to protect our family in that circumstance and I would not have lost any sleep over it. If your husband is military what he’s doing is similar to that but on a country protection scale.

I think you’re being completely unreasonable and somewhat naïve. When you think about what nurses, ambulance, police, active military and all those first responder type rules who are seeing the worst of humanity, they have to have their own coping mechanisms which might be completely switching off, blocking things out, black humour, all that sort of thing but that’s how they get through things otherwise this world will come to a halt. To imply someone who sees suffering and gets on with the job and life must be some sort of psychopath is highly offensive.

The assumption behind a lot of these posts is that being able to compartmentalise, to switch on and off, to be detached, is a bad thing.
Perhaps it is a virtue. A valuable skill which we need some humans to have.

Certainly being over-sensitive and taking on the pain of others, especially when you are not actually involved and it is just something you have seen on TV, is to my mind not always a virtue, not always a sign of a good and kind and empathetic person. Such people may just love the emotional drama, getting caught up in a mass reaction along with other people around them, or love virtue signalling.

What is he like with people he loves ? THAT is the true litmus test. If he is loving and warm and has 'all the right feelings' then he is simply compartmentalising.

My DH dealt with some horrific stuff in his previous job but he handled it well for years. He was able to section it off as 'work' but then he had a series of bad things happen to him and the barrier dropped and he mentally crashed. They were going to get rid of him but he took early retirement.

I have to ask though. You must have known all this about his basic personality before having DC with him, no?

Hi OP
I have heard of A and E doctors in hospitals who go to pieces when its an illness with their own child. I think people learn to detach from the job, to do the job. It's not the same thing as having no emotion or being detached from their own family.
Have you ever felt that his job has stopped him having normal emotional reactions to you? Has it affected your relationship? (Emotionally not logistically). If not, why do you think it would be different with kids?