Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Is life always this crappy

468 replies

sincerestwonders · Today 13:43

Any one else feel like this but I dunno why my life has been just so hard lately for me and my 17 1/2 year old daughter. Last year I felt completely different, this year I feel burnt out and just bored and unmotivated. I have a guy who keeps coming in and out my life he works abroad so he isnt a stable presence but I feel stuck and dunno if any of you have similar life experience or advice as that would be so useful.
My daughter has not been to school since age 8. I chose not to keep her in school because of some of the things we encountered in her school such as staff pinning kids down in isolation rooms as a punishment and like harming "bad" kids by restraining them in the classroom, which I did not want my young daughter to see or felt was appropriate.
She has been home educated since then. At the minute she has 2 gcses, a 9 in Spanish and 8 in computing/ICT. Her maths and english skills are quite subpar to be honest. She is a good speller, yet struggles with reading long books and guessing the "intention" of authors which is what a lot of GCSE is about. Her maths is reasonable and probably key stage 3 level, not the best but GCSE math standards are so high these days. In the last year she has done a cookery course, several language courses, business administration basics and we were asked to do an art course which she bloody hates and has no artistic talent really but we are 3/5 of the way through that and she just cant think of ideas and hates it and obviously wishes she was doing something else. The obvious thing to do next is driving, but the theory test I dont quite know how to study for it seen as I havent driven since I was in my 20s cos we live in an urban area where we can bus walk everywhere. The other thing I struggle with is deciding on the gold DOFE program. She has done it for 18 months, did all sections and loved the volunteering element. Its done all bits except the Expedition, and honestly how is a weeks walking, eating garbage and carrying a 20kg bag up a mountain useful to the development of a young person? This isnt the 1940s. We originally did this with a dofe open award center. She attended 2 training days. On the first one she was assigned to a team of 5 other girls, all of whom were friends from that posh arse Hills Road college in Cambridge. They ignored and excluded my already friendless daughter and walked ahead. My daughter is 5ft 4 70kg and is not unfit, she does swimming and dance, but no way can she walk 20 miles a day like they suggested with a back breaking Army bergen. The idiots said the expedition was to take place in summer. Considering the heatwaves we have had its a recipe for sun stroke, burns and nausea. On the second day she asked whether she could have a parent see her at a particular point of the day or night as she is high anxiety and gets sick when away overnight from parents she can stay at nanas house without us but it seems being away at night without parents presence is traumatic for her. She went to mendip activity center last year and being away led to panic attacks and a drinking episode. They said no,okay, but I dont think they care about her needs. The food is another troubling element. They suggested eating those gross ration pack boil in a bag meals. My daughter wont eat them preferring fresh foods, and wouldnt eat any with meat in them due to concern of quality. She would have to handle bottle gas, flames, putting up a tent, no contact even a mobile phone with parents, possible injury, carrying own excrement, managing herself miles from anywhere at 17 YEARS OLD what is this SAS basic training? We had her walk 10ks every week, every time her feet would begin to blister and bleed she has size 3 feet for context with the bag on so I decided to leave that centre and look at these expensive private expeditions on canoes but she wont do that either. This has led to a lot of arguments with me and her dad who the dad says stop pushing and she has done enough already. The final issue is she obviously doesnt want to go to uni next year but she just cant think of what job/career to do and seems to have lost interest in anything. Sorry to rant but any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

OP posts:
khakipant · Today 15:23

This is why home schooling should be highly regulated if not illegal. What you’ve done has ruined your daughters life: how did you expect her to learn to manage and overcome anxiety if you kept her at home away from her peers for a decade?

Imisscoffee2021 · Today 15:23

Tbh, you have curated her life to be one of less achievement and less experience, and yourself put down or assume you understand various life experiences and think them not of value, ie climbing a mountain and sleeping in a tent for DofE.

You've done her no favours. If that's true about one school, why not enrol her in another? I feel for her, she doesn't seem to have many options atm. I hope that changes.

moggiek · Today 15:24

This can’t be real.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

XelaM · Today 15:25

BunkBedsArePeopleShelves · Today 13:57

What the hell did I just read? That poor kid

This. OP - are you serious?! Wtf are you doing to your daughter?! Stop babying her!!!!!! She's 17 - not 7!!!!

LoveWine123 · Today 15:26

So there are quite a few questions you are actually asking us to answer and I'm not sure we can all give you definite life advice for both you and your daughter. That's quite a lot to unpick in one post...

Does anyone else feel burnt out, bored, and unmotivated like this?
Has anyone experienced a similar situation with an unstable relationship?
Should you continue encouraging your daughter to complete the Gold DofE expedition?
How can you support a daughter who struggles with anxiety and independence?
What alternatives might be available if university is not the right path?
How can you help your daughter find direction, motivation, or a career interest?
What should your daughter's next educational or developmental steps be?

If I'm honest the first thing to do will be to get your daughter assessed as I'm not certain I agree that she doesn't have SEN. There are quite a few things in your post that suggest that she does. She sounds neurodivergent. I think my second priority will be to get her into an environment where she has normal social interactions with young people of her age. Sitting at home with her mum is unlikely to give her the social skills she needs as well as expose her to situations that will allow her to build her general life skills. You seem to have built a cocoon around her and not allowed her to be exposed to real life. Get her assessed so you have the full knowledge of what her actual needs are and go from there.

ThisWiseRobin · Today 15:28

sincerestwonders · Today 13:56

She doesnt have SEN but has high anxiety and her development is maybe 2 years or so behind peers she was a highly anxious child but it isnt her or my fault

I'm going to suggest from reading your post, and the way you flipped off resilience exercises like DofE and over protected her, there is definitely an attitude adjustment needed by you.
It is your fault and instead of letting your child learn to function in tge big wide world you've tucked her away like a teenage Miss Haversham.
And I'm sorry, but I do not believe the stories you tell about the school. I think she made them up.
She does deffo not have SEN she has bats%^^ crazy upbringing. Please in the name of all that is holy, let her go to college. Anxiety or not, tough it out.

anyolddinosaur · Today 15:28

If this is serious enrol her in college. She can study Maths, English and a language or two. If you want her to have a job she needs some qualifications and most home educated children take exams and go to college.

LondonLass2026 · Today 15:29

I was a highly anxious child and the only time I was allowed to miss school was when I had chicken pox.

CremeDeMure · Today 15:30

This poor young woman. Utterly failed by the one person who is supposed to have been fighting for her. Heartbreaking.

Shows how easy it is for children to slip through the cracks. Social services should have been involved years ago.

Corinthiana · Today 15:31

So when your DD witnessed these terrible violent acts on primary school, did you report it to the police?

ThisWiseRobin · Today 15:31

PinkBottle75 · Today 15:05

OP, think of a tree, grown inside the controlled environment, where no harm comes to it.

It sadly provides a powerful cautionary tale about the dangers of overprotection. In a controlled, windless biosphere, (like the Eden project for example) trees are shielded from the harsh forces of nature. They receive optimal water, perfect nutrients, and constant warmth, allowing them to grow rapidly and look pristine. However, because they never battle the wind, they fail to undergo thigmomorphogenesis—the biological process where mechanical stress triggers the growth of deep roots and thick, supportive "stress wood." Without this adversity, these seemingly perfect trees remain structurally weak and often collapse under their own weight.

Your DD needs to re-enter the world.

If she struggles with anxiety, she needs professional help, in the form of talking therapies, like CBT and support with medication to calm the mind loops that contribute to anxiety, for instance either Escitalopram or Sertraline are good first line anti-anxiety medications. They're called anti-depressants but at lower doses they control anxiety often very well. She needs to learn to deal with her anxiety so she can go out and live her life, like everyone else.

These medications can be life-changing. I'm fed up of SSRIs getting a bad rap. If it means they allow people like your DD to function, let them take one every day for the rest of their lives. Some people just have more sensitive nervous systems and the sooner we accept, the more people can be helped and get on with living a full and happier life.

Once her anxiety is controlled, she needs to go to college asap or vice versa. Try college and see how her anxiety copes, and then get the support you need.

You need professional help at this point. YOU need to reach out for help yourself because you can't manage this any longer by yourself. It's understandable to want to protect your child as much as possible but at some point, the pendulum can swing to far and I think in your situation this may have happened.

You did with the best of intentions but now you need to find another way to re-intergrate your DD into normal life. Talk to colleges and find out what the options are. More than get her into the world so she can start to live.

She's obviously a capable girl, done her Gold D of E except the expedition - that can still be done later when she's more fit and there's a better fit of people, now she needs some academic support to raise her general level to that same as the average person in the UK. I think that's possible. Come on Mum, you can do it and so can she.

Absolutely brilliant analogy here. Well said.

Yupstillhere · Today 15:32

Plenty of children have a tough time at home and school. That's a sad situation but deciding to home school and living in a bubble isn't helping her. Yes life is tough and school can be shite that doesn't mean don't go. Trying another school would of got her further than she is life right now.
You're failing her as she doesn't have maths and English. She's not going to have a fighting chance. You seem to have told yourself a story about how life is for both of you and are staying victims to it.

Duke of Edinburgh isn't necessary. Maths and English are. So is resilience, independence, problem solving, learning that you aren't the most important person. Team work. Patience.

Living with you and being badly home schooled and attending some clubs isn't a rounded balanced start to life.

I think you think you've tried to help her but sounds like you've fed her anxiety to me. Life doesn't owe either of anything. She's going to be against people with a much better education.

Your attitude towards children being snobs gearing up for university is disgusting.
Your prejudice and narrow minded views shouldn't be inflicted on anyone, yet alone your daughter who is behind her peers.
I'm embarrassed for you.

DistanceCall · Today 15:33

sincerestwonders · Today 14:00

Everyone says I'm a bad, overprotective parent and Im sick of it. I think taking my daughter out of the pressure and anxiety of school was the best thing to do given circumstance she has had a comprehensive home education to 16 and has done some specialist courses. I am aware she needs more of a social life but she has suffered high anxiety as a kid around school, puberty, her emotions, extreme pressure and demand.

Your daughter had a problem with her social environment. Your solution was to remove her from her social environment altogether and homeschool her.

Yes, you have smothered her and this is the result.

You need a good therapist, for both of you (separately, not together.)

StandingDeskDisco · Today 15:35

For all those saying that 8 GCSEs is average, a quick google shows me that is for exams taken, not passed.
Assume that for middle-range students they fail a few (i.e. get low grades), I would estimate that the average number of GCSE passes attained might be about 5 or 6, not 8.
And that is average, which by definition means that half of school leavers get fewer than 5 or 6 GCSE passes.

Never forget that trailing bottom half.

SassyLemonFish · Today 15:37

This is one of the saddest threads I have ever read. That poor girl. I really wish there was some kind of inspection system for home education. I worry that mental health issues and anxieties are projected onto these children. I also worry about children who are effectively denied opportunities to socialise and make friends, particularly if they have no siblings.

TealHacks · Today 15:38

The undeniable factor making a lot of this so 'crappy', is you OP.

I have a guy who keeps coming in and out my life he works abroad so he isnt a stable presence but I feel stuck and dunno if any of you have similar life experience or advice as that would be so useful.

And then there is the rest of it. The common denominator is you and the way YOU have chosen to live. Your dd's have had no say in the life you have given them.

You need outside help and support.

BigYellowBus · Today 15:38

In another thread, the OP seems to have two children though no mention of how the second is educated

grinandslothit · Today 15:38

I really feel sorry for your DD
Has she had any therapy or medication for her anxiety issues? I'm guessing not because you seem rather passive

Anxiety is a treatable condition as is social skills

You pulling are out of school all these years just made it worse not better.

think about it if the reason for her anxiety was school it would have went away when you pulled her out of school but it hasn't happened has it

It seems like so many parents on here wait until oh yeah my child is going to be an adult next year, now what? because they've just been passively going along because they were a child and not thinking about the future

Get her into some therapy and if prescribed medication so she can have somewhat of a normal life

I have a relative who has done this to two of her children and I will never ever forgive them

Justploddingonandon · Today 15:38

I actually initially thought you'd pulled her out of a special school as adults restraining children or even having an isolation room in a mainstream primary is almost unheard of (not saying it didn't happen, but would be very unusual and would only be used if a child was hurting themselves or others and even then they try to remove everyone else first).
Your DD does actually sound a bit like my ASD DD with things like the anxiety, food issues and struggling to work out author's intentions, she's very literal minded. She also has perfectionist tendencies so needs a lot of encouragement not to give up if she can't do something perfectly. However in your DD's case I think you'd have to make her world wider before that could be explored, as it would be too hard to unpick if there's something like that underlying or it's the result of patchy education and limited social opportunities.

Corinthiana · Today 15:38

SassyLemonFish · Today 15:37

This is one of the saddest threads I have ever read. That poor girl. I really wish there was some kind of inspection system for home education. I worry that mental health issues and anxieties are projected onto these children. I also worry about children who are effectively denied opportunities to socialise and make friends, particularly if they have no siblings.

I know, it's shocking. God knows what's happening to some of these young people.

BunkBedsArePeopleShelves · Today 15:39

sincerestwonders · Today 14:02

I said when she is 18 she can go to college or work, but now I wonder whether to just let her go to college, because she has high anxiety and poor social skills. She has been bullied at primary school and just struggled as a kid to adapt to the school environment.

Of course she has ..you created this life for her. You made her anxious and kept her from developing social skills

stuffedanimalsandchocolate · Today 15:39

Why didn't you try a different school? Your daughter now doesn't have a good education and has no friends, no life outside of you.

Minasama · Today 15:40

Naurrr · Today 14:14

...is 8 GCSEs not just the bare minimum? Confused

An interesting aside - my dad is 80 and he went to grammar school in the 1950s-60s.

He left school with 8 “O” levels and was one of only 3 kids in his whole school year that got all 8 O levels. In a grammar school!

It had been his great ambition to get 8 and he’s still pleased he achieved it.

So it did used to be really rare!

CitizenofMoronia · Today 15:41

its you, get help.

Yupstillhere · Today 15:41

Plus you can't figure out how to study for a theory driving test, I hope this thread is fantasy otherwise what the hell are you doing home schooling.