Is life always this crappy

[sincerestwonders]

Any one else feel like this but I dunno why my life has been just so hard lately for me and my 17 1/2 year old daughter. Last year I felt completely different, this year I feel burnt out and just bored and unmotivated. I have a guy who keeps coming in and out my life he works abroad so he isnt a stable presence but I feel stuck and dunno if any of you have similar life experience or advice as that would be so useful.
My daughter has not been to school since age 8. I chose not to keep her in school because of some of the things we encountered in her school such as staff pinning kids down in isolation rooms as a punishment and like harming "bad" kids by restraining them in the classroom, which I did not want my young daughter to see or felt was appropriate.
She has been home educated since then. At the minute she has 2 gcses, a 9 in Spanish and 8 in computing/ICT. Her maths and english skills are quite subpar to be honest. She is a good speller, yet struggles with reading long books and guessing the "intention" of authors which is what a lot of GCSE is about. Her maths is reasonable and probably key stage 3 level, not the best but GCSE math standards are so high these days. In the last year she has done a cookery course, several language courses, business administration basics and we were asked to do an art course which she bloody hates and has no artistic talent really but we are 3/5 of the way through that and she just cant think of ideas and hates it and obviously wishes she was doing something else. The obvious thing to do next is driving, but the theory test I dont quite know how to study for it seen as I havent driven since I was in my 20s cos we live in an urban area where we can bus walk everywhere. The other thing I struggle with is deciding on the gold DOFE program. She has done it for 18 months, did all sections and loved the volunteering element. Its done all bits except the Expedition, and honestly how is a weeks walking, eating garbage and carrying a 20kg bag up a mountain useful to the development of a young person? This isnt the 1940s. We originally did this with a dofe open award center. She attended 2 training days. On the first one she was assigned to a team of 5 other girls, all of whom were friends from that posh arse Hills Road college in Cambridge. They ignored and excluded my already friendless daughter and walked ahead. My daughter is 5ft 4 70kg and is not unfit, she does swimming and dance, but no way can she walk 20 miles a day like they suggested with a back breaking Army bergen. The idiots said the expedition was to take place in summer. Considering the heatwaves we have had its a recipe for sun stroke, burns and nausea. On the second day she asked whether she could have a parent see her at a particular point of the day or night as she is high anxiety and gets sick when away overnight from parents she can stay at nanas house without us but it seems being away at night without parents presence is traumatic for her. She went to mendip activity center last year and being away led to panic attacks and a drinking episode. They said no,okay, but I dont think they care about her needs. The food is another troubling element. They suggested eating those gross ration pack boil in a bag meals. My daughter wont eat them preferring fresh foods, and wouldnt eat any with meat in them due to concern of quality. She would have to handle bottle gas, flames, putting up a tent, no contact even a mobile phone with parents, possible injury, carrying own excrement, managing herself miles from anywhere at 17 YEARS OLD what is this SAS basic training? We had her walk 10ks every week, every time her feet would begin to blister and bleed she has size 3 feet for context with the bag on so I decided to leave that centre and look at these expensive private expeditions on canoes but she wont do that either. This has led to a lot of arguments with me and her dad who the dad says stop pushing and she has done enough already. The final issue is she obviously doesnt want to go to uni next year but she just cant think of what job/career to do and seems to have lost interest in anything. Sorry to rant but any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

Get her into college and start with functional maths and english. Don't do it at home. That won't be overwhelming or too many hours but will get her in the habit and around people. Then she can move on to more GCSEs and make plans. You need to support her - because all this is your fault. You can still fix it. And forget DoE it's pointless in the absence of qualifications and life experience. Also get her medication/therapy for her anxiety. Sometimes you must say 'you have to do this' not 'never mind don't do it if it's too hard'. That just makes people feeble and that is unfair.

Erm. They definitely can eat those manky meals, walk the miles, carry the backpack and not phone their mothers. That is sort of the point of DofE - doing something challenging without parental support.

I think working on her resilience and maths and English skills are key. Could she not do them online? She really does need GCSEs in maths and English language Given the grades in the two subjects she has I don’t think dropping down to functional skills should be necessary.

Yes, this is the sensible thing to do. Get her into college asap. It’ll be difficult at first but it’s worth trying and the sooner the better.

Find out about the pastoral help and what they can offer her.

D of E is entirely optional and it doesn’t sound like a good fit for her right now.

Find her some structure and a clearer pathway.

Good luck to you both.

Sorry Op, you may think you are doing the right thing but you are sabotaging her future.

Also, how can your daughter read when you donot know the purpose of paragraphs?

I'm going to be blunt - you've destroyed your daughter's future with this nonsense. I'd actually say this is borderline abusive what you've done to her.

Good gravy.

Not sure how the OP can expect to help her daughter's English skills since she can't even punctuate her first post properly.

I think this is a troll!
Why was she not enrolled into college at 14?
Failing that why didnt you from 14-16 get her ready to take her gsces, you've had since she was 8 to save for her to be able to atleast have english and maths.
Now shes at an age where she could go to open university as a home educated child there are lots of path ways.
Instead of helping her anxiety you have made it worse,hiding behind 4 walks with no socialising.

I suggested functional skills level as she should manage it fairly easily so not too much stress as she will also be dealing with the whole socialisation thing and finding her way round and eating the crappy canteen food etc. It's looking at it in the round.

Hills Road is a normal state sixth form. A lot of my mates went - you didn't need anything spectacular to get in, just a basic level of education and GCSEs. Gold DofE is hard, most kids don't do it and there's no reason she has to.

And if you live in Cambridge, what primary school was she at? Because there simply aren't any really rough schools. Even the worst estate is fine.

When I read your OP I found it quite overwhelming. You mentioned several l different ‘courses’ , the DofE award, driving lessons.

It all felt muddled to me and like it lacked direction and purpose. You seem confused. I imagine that must be difficult for your child as well. It made me feel a bit stressed reading it. Like- ok do your DofE (but there’s so much wrong with it) and the next step is driving lessons, but she only has 2 GCSE’s, and she’s doing an art course but has no artistic talent. Argh!

Just choose an end point and work towards it. What does she want to do? Then start taking one step at a time to get there and stop veering off course. I don’t think you can help her with this she needs to go to college and follow a structured programme to get somewhere.

It is not comprehensive without maths or English to a reasonable standard that sets her up go go out into the world

I’m aware that this is going to feel like a pile on now but by keeping your daughter’s world small, you’ve stunted her emotional growth. She needs to very quickly be supported to regain independence and the functional skills that will allow her to progress and mature at an appropriate rate.

You are quite fixated on DofE but did she do bronze and silver? At my daughter’s school it is compulsory to do bronze and lots do silver but not all of the students do gold. This is a work hard, play hard type school and even then gold isn’t for everyone. You have dumped a socially isolated, anxious kid into something pretty challenging and then seem surprised it’s a bit much.

You can't 'let her go to college' - she doesn't have enough qualifications to be accepted. Honestly you have royally screwed her over

All this. Get a grip and focus solely on the gcse maths and English. Start treating her like an adult.

you try and you can't go back anyway

Sadly you are projecting your own anxiety and not preparing that young adult for real life. She's 17, not a child, she's nearly an adult. You don't want to hear it, but it's a fact.

because she has high anxiety and poor social skills. the anxiety comes from you, the lack of social skills from being stuck at home.

At this point, she needs to do anything as long as it get her out of the house with an over-protective mother. A job, volunteering, camp, anything as long as she does SOMETHING. and you stay well out of it.

She's an adult. A young one, but stop thinking she's a child, she's not. She needs to learn now what she hasn't learnt because she was slobbing around at home.

Focus on her getting her Maths and English GCSEs. Keep her load light until she gets those and then see where she’s up to. Small steps.

If you look at University of Keele website they run summer courses that are equivalent for Gold DofE Expedition. She stays in a uni room, mixes with peers, manages getting to her course and feeding herself.

No heavy bag, no blisters and no horrible unfriendly girl hangs!

Hang in there.

Does she have any friends? What have you done to ensure she is well-rounded socially?

You are blaming everyone but yourself.

Previous school staff
Posh children
D of E organisers
People who make camping meals
Etc

I came on here to say something nice, but I can't think of anything nice to say.
You have created her anxiety and social skills by projecting your own anxiety on to her.

Homeschooling was such a poor choice.FFS forget the DoE and get her Maths and English GCSEs. And stop blaming unfriendly girls, posh kids and everyone but yourself.
I hope this isn't real. Poor girl.

Disgraceful way to bring up a child. I'm not bloody surprised she has anxiety.

And yet your dd, who clearly has ability to have got 8 and 9, only has 2 GCSEs

OP - I would support and encourage her to go to college and get some actual education.

It's really hard but young people build resilience and independence by learning that they can survive and do not have to be a victim all the time.

I am going to be harsh here and say that the issues your daughter is experiencing are largely down to you.

DOE GOLD is really tough. You have to do Bronze and Silver before jumping into Gold. What were you thinking?